Tonight I went to see Life of Pi with my brother and two of our friends. I budgeted calories for a small popcorn but what I wasn't counting on was going to a pub afterwards. As soon as that came up I felt unprepared. I knew I had no calories left to spend and didn't fancy being the one sitting there drinking water while everyone else made merry.
So we get to the pub and everyone orders alcohol. I order a diet coke. Then the two who are small order food. Food comes and it's all I can do not to reach over and help myself to someone else's plate. But when food is offered I don't say no. I eat one chicken wing and a quarter of a quesadilla.
Thats not enough. I start to get angry. Why can't I eat? Why is the skinniest friend eating the most? What gives her the right?!? The two of us who are bigger aren't eating but the other biggish friend does have two beers. One of the two eating ends up leaving a little on her plate and when the waitress asks if she's done it takes great effort for me not to say "I'll finish it!"
It was a challenge and I don't feel totally happy with how it turned out. I don't like that I ate even though I could have eaten a lot more. I also didn't like my getting angry. Dieting is my choice not something that has been forced on me. I am benefitting. I didn't choose to get fat but I did make decisions that led me to this place. But I felt like I was being punished.
Fortunately I can still say I had a good time and that I came in under 1600 cals (but my goal is always 1200). I am however bummed cuz I havnt achieved 1200 since Friday and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna maintain or gain this week.
My first two weeks of dieting went so smoothly that I erroneously thought that this was gonna be easy. Boy is it hard. When I eat alone I do much better but last night I was alone and went over 1200 too. Rats, rats rats!