You've had a lot of pain in your life. I haven't read the other responses as I don't want them to bias mine. I am NO expert so take this if it's helpful but leave it if it's not. It seems to me that your problem isn't your weight at all. You and I have a similar weight history. I understand that 'I wish I'd EVER had the chance to be hot' thing you mention. I get it. However the WAY you managed those feelings only made it harder for you as you seem to completely understand.

Weight is a symptom of the larger problem which, in my opinion, is a lack of self worth. That feeling of lack can't be solved by weight loss. Oh, weight loss can help but that's because of the pride you'll take in yourself for accomplishing it rather than the actual weight being gone. We gain self-confidence and esteem when we impress ourselves by doing something that is difficult for us or that we judge is above our abilities. That's internal and self-driven. It may be losing weight (the process) or getting that degree we gave up on or going after our dream in some way but all of it comes from deep inside ourselves and our desires. Slef esteem cannot be GIVEN to anyone because it must be earned.

You are still looking for external validation whether it's attention from men because you are thinner or the flattery of fitting into smaller clothes. None of that will solve the internal struggle and you know this because external validation is the solution you've gone after your whole life but it's failed to 'fix' what is hurting inside you. Until you fix that, attention from other men brought about by weight loss may just help you down the same self-destructive path you've followed at other points in your life and leave you even worse off. That happened to my SIL. She's dead now because the guy she had the fling with when she lost the weight was nuts and killed her when she broke up with him.

Other people cannot fill you up. You have to tackle whatever it is that scares you most and overcome it if you want to feel that pride in yourself all the way to your core. You deserve to feel that good about yourself. You deserve to be defined by more than the size you wear but YOU have to do it- it will never come from anywhere else.

I think you are wise for seeking the help of a counselor and that guidance will be so crucial to you. I've needed that help before too and it makes a big difference. The greatest achievement I've ever experienced (and it was a pretty big, public one) was done at my highest weight. Weight isn't what holds us back unless we let it.

I'm not saying NOT to try and lose weight. It's a worthy goal that will make you feel better about yourself- just not for the reasons you seem to want to do it. If you start to FEEL better about who you are, the weight loss will be a natural result of being a more fullfilled person.

AMEN @ binderbee!!

Binder...you are of course right and I know that. I have known that all along.:(

Wow- so much of your post (OP) rings true for me at age 38. All of it except the husbands. I was also 175 at age 18 and went a little up and down until age 26 when I got to be 128 and finally knew what it felt like to be attractive to men and I did the exact same thing you did (no pregnancies though). I want to cry reading your post. I too feel too old even if I did get down to a weight I was comfortable at. No mini skirts, bikinis, cute tight t's. Full of varicose veins and cellulite. Competing with women 10 years younger and perkier. I dont even want to date because I feel like I will be judged. I just gave up. Why do we beat ourselves up? We are worth more.

I'm 43, and lucky in having a great capacity to create my own reality and a husband who helps me feel very attractive and desireable (and we both like being naked with each other). I haven't (completely) given up on the idea of wearing a bikini or a miniskirt (I've seen some pretty hot 60 year olds). We're very fortunate to be living in a culture in which there are fewer age-dependent norms (and if you can nurture an adventurous and confident spirit, there's no reason not to flout convention and do whatever you want, regardless of whether everyone else thinks you're crazy).

That doesn't mean I don't know or understand what you're saying. I've been fat since age 5, and despite it have had a pretty good life. Some pain, lots of joy, a fair amount of friends and many significant accomplisments, and I still sometimes go down that "woulda, shoulda, coulda" path.

Every choice and event in our life opens some doors and closes others. I had to go on disability a few years ago because of health problems (we still don't know much about what the autoimmune disease will bring as a couple of the possible diagnoses are pretty serious), and it made me start thinking about what I had missed, and all the things I wanted to accomplish in my life and hadn't - yet. There's no way to fit everything I want to do into ten lifetimes, let alone one. It does depress me, if I start thinking of everything I didn't and probably won't get to do. And yet, when I look at all of the things I have done, some are pretty good (or at least "interesting").

What can you do? It is, what it is. But, the silver lining is there is still time to do, what there's still time to do. I've even made a list. Some are small and silly (I want a small tattoo of a tree frog - to symbolize my husband who collects frongs, and a larger tattoo of a wolf - an animal I identify with), and some are bigger (like writing - I've started several novels in the past 20 years, but have never gotten very far into any). I'm getting the frog tattoo when I hit 100 lbs lost. I haven't decided when I'll follow with the wolf. I'm writing every day too (sometimes only a few minutes, sometimes hours).

I think that no matter what a person has done, seen, or accomplished - they can always get very depressed by looking at what they couldn't and didn't.
Women who married or had children young (or didn't), wonder what it would be like to have chosen a different path. Every life has endless possibilities, and yet you only get one life (unless you believe in reincarnation) so you never get to experience everything. You can't relive any of it, but even when you subtract all of the things you couldn't and can't do, you still have endless possiblities remaining.

Maggie I just turned 30 this year and I've had a lot of feelings you do. Like if I don't get my act together in regards to weight I'll miss out on certain things. I already wish I had appreciated my body a little better when I was in my early 20's but I didn't. My body will never be the same since I've had 2 boys and that isn't really a bad thing so much. BUT I do wish I would have just been a little more thankful of my size back then. All I can ever remember is wishing I was another size.

You are still young. I also believe we are only as young as we feel. Also having faith in yourself has a lot to do with it. I have a necklace I wear that says "Dream" and "Believe" on 2 different charms. I wear them to help me believe that I can reach my dreams and my goal weight.

Good luck!!