hello Again
 

Hi everyone.

Jollygirl! congrats 50 lbs! that is alot. Good for you.

As for relationships..I have realized that my relationship has been with food and that is why I am not in a relationship. I keep being interested in men who aren't interested in me and then I obcess or we date a bit. the solid great ones who are interested in me I find something wrong with.

It's interesting. A month ago I moved into this new condo and fell madly in lust with my landlord. I couldn't stop binging every 2nd or 3rd day and I didn't know why. In the end I figured out it was because he liked me and I liked him and this could work out, and that would mean change. and my eating disorder doesn't have room for change "yet". It's too scary. Being an "addict" I had us married with children...in my mind. then we were supposed to go out for coffee and didn't...I was upset..but I realized that as soon as I thought he wasn't interestd I stoped binging.

So then I looked at this pattern closer..I always get obcessed about men. Then when they like me...I push them away. I'm not really looking for a boyfriend/husband. I'm looking for a father.

I want someone to take care of me emotionally and hold me and look after me and nurture me. Until i fully acknowlege this...and let go of the shame I have connected to this innated need I will keep trying to make a man be my father and never be happy.

It was interesting to when I wrote about this I felt alot of shame and guilt and disgust at wanting my father's love and attention. I guess since it wasn't there I "made" my self pretend I didn't want/need it. and so in the end when this desire/need comes up I feel guilt and shame for this. As a child I had to block this need/desire inorder to survive. i couldn't say then. Hey Pam wanting your father to love you and hold you and take care of you is a normal human desire. Cry over this and don't feel bad. Your father is sick and he can't take care of you the way a normal little girl needs. It's not your fault. As an adult if I'm brave enoguth I can say this.:o

Hello Ladies,

Well I hope all of you had a better weekend than I did. I fell off the wagon and a few binges on top of not feeling well. :(:(:( But I now know why I was binging. I tend to binge when I'm bored and exhausted. It's been so humid and just plain disgusting here in SE PA, so I wasn't able to enjoy the outdoors. So I was stuck inside most of the weekend and that lead to my binges. On the positive side, I now know my triggers and can work on seeing them coming and prepare to face it head on.

So... today, I'm still under the weather but a bit better. I'm sticking to tea and toast for my upset stomach. Tomorrow is another day and a clean slate.:D I took 4 days off from working out too. If I'm sick, how I can workout effectivly? Pushing my body when it isn't at it's healthiest isn't going to help me.


Pam-Isn't it amazing how losing weight is more than calories in vs. calories out. I've also had to deal with so many emotional issues. For me it's trust. I've learned that I need to trust my gut instincts regarding people. They are usually right. I've been teased about my weight since I was in 3rd or 4th grade by my classmates, then my own sister would tease me about it at home. She "was only having fun" she said. But she doesn't just tease, she humiliates and ridicules and doesn't know when to stop. My parents said I needed to stop being so sensitive. I say there is nothing wrong with being a sensitive person. So now, I tell her nothing. I have better relationships with friends, online and in person, than I do with her. I don't feel bad about it. She needs to realize that she cannot have fun at other people's expense. She maybe having fun, but the others are not.

It was hard, but I'm okay with it this way. I now just need to learn to listen to my own instincts about people.

Jenn

hi there, I am new to this site as well as the whole single, over 30 and I have kids....3 boys, the youngest just turned 1

Happy Thursday...
 

Good Morning all... Welcome Amandamn1, and ViolinJenn...you'r not alone, I've sort on been binging at least 1x a day for 8 days. I feel llike a train wreck...have been eating badly for about a week and a half...am letting myself at lunch......have been feeling alot of self hate and insecurities..have gained back about 6lbs...I know not that much in the grand scheme of things. I'm terrified to lose weight. I think cause if I lose the weight I might not have that crutch to lean on...See I think now I can say...no one likes me cause I'm fat..(and really I'm not fat) no one likes me cause I'm bulimic...I can't get a job cause I'm fat. I can't get a boyfriend cause I'm fat. I can't do this or that...it's a way to hate myself and I can't stop it. How do I stop hating myself. I have no Idea. I'm so used to it. It's how I was brought up and I don't know how to let it go. Its sad.

ViolinJenn, you are so right...it's so much more that the food. The food we think is the easiest to control...cause my thinking anyway is often way off.

I live in Canada, Toronto...so I'm going to this group for eating disorders and it was really great on monday and friday. I am so hard on myself cause I think, I should have fixed this problem. lost this weight by now...June 26 I went down to 141 lbs. My goal was 140...1 lb away and I gained 6 back by bingeing...its fear I tell you fear.

I haven't read all 13 pages of posts yet, but wanted to say "Hi!"

Also had to comment on the OP's comment "I am also concerned about starting a new relationship while working towards my goal. I don't want to be distracted. Is there anyone out there like me???" Yep, you aren't alone. I've been on eharmony for almost a year and have "chatted" with several people and talked on the phone with a few, but I never go out with anybody. For me it is part of not wanting to be distracted, but also partly fear. You know - that fear of rejection. "Things are ok........but, what if we meet and he sees how 'big' I am??" I've gotta get over that fear.

"A month ago I moved into this new condo and fell madly in lust with my landlord. I couldn't stop binging every 2nd or 3rd day and I didn't know why. In the end I figured out it was because he liked me and I liked him and this could work out, and that would mean change. and my eating disorder doesn't have room for change "yet"." Oh, that sounds familiar, too. I built a house a few years ago (had been dieting for a year prior and had gone from 199 to 171 - was doing good IMO) and started dating my contractor. Things were going really great, and for some reason, I got scared after about 6 months into it. I don't know what happened. But, I started eating. It wasn't depression. (And, I initally blamed in on all of the going out to eat on dates - I had been divorced for 5 years at the time and had not dated anybody since the divorce). But, I finally realized that it was a fear of rejection (there's THAT "issue" again) and I guess I figured if I gained weight and then he left, it would be because of the weight and not because of some other reason.

Yeh, I've got issues to deal with (doesn't everybody?) LOL!

Anyway, "Hi!" to all, and I'm gonna go read the first 13 pages. Be back in a bit. :)

Hey girls,
Hopefully you had a great weekend !

I have also sort of been binging for the past week, was doing really well, then family (cousins) came to visit and things started falling apart... I think life catched up with me and I freaked out... going on vacation next week, I think it will be a great time to put my head into place and things into perspective, it´s about time I stop using my weight as an excuse for all that it´s going wrong in my life...

Wish you all a great week !

Hey all :wave:

The other day I realized I could reach 200 in 5 weeks if I keep my head out of my arse, and my arse in gear. I was equal parts excited and freaked! I have not been below 200 in almost 15 years. i have always been overweight, but I just skyrocketed after college. I need to figure out why I am freaked by success. Why getting healthy would be scary.

I got my invite to my 20th high school reunion. That also is scary. A) I don't have enough social skills to enjoy working a room of people I used to know. B) I guess I am not proud enough yet of myself and what I have accomplished. Sad. all ties in to the self esteem I know I need to work on. Sigh.

I did take a step outside my comfort zone, and signed up for a wine dating event. Like speed dating, only you try different wines while doing it. Hmmm.

Take care all.

Just popping my head into say hi.

I'm 34, and will have been divorced five years in December, and, with the exception of being in a long term relationship for about a year and a half of that, I've been single ever since.

My highest known weight was in February of that year. I dropped 90 lbs within just a few months, but it's been stuck there until I noticed last year that I had gained almost 35 of it back. I have about 10 lbs to go till I hit that "Where I was stage" and enter all new territory.

Off to walk before work, but thought I'd join in.

New member
 

So I have just read through the postings from single 30-ish girls and am glad that I did! Sometimes I feel like I am the only one like me in the world so it was comforting to read everyone's words. I have never been married, only engaged once and not in a relationship since. I am quite anxious and spend a lot of time worrying about "what if" scenarios! I sometimes think I would like to meet someone but I am so unhappy with how I look so I am not exactly radiating with confidence or anything that might even halfway attract someone. And I wouldn't know how to act on a date if I met anyone! I am not expecting my weight loss to change my life completely but hope that I at least gain some much needed confidence. But when I think about it, even when I was a thin person I wasn't confident so who knows?! Glad to know this group exists and I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Good morning all. HC, I feel like I am the only one too. Most of my friends are married, while i couldn't be more single if I were living in a convent and singing "Climb Every Mountain." I don't feel comfortable in vague meet and greet settings. And I don't feel confident enough in myself to put myself out there. You are right, that losing weight won't change your personality. It takes a lot of soul searching to find those links between self confidence/self esteem, weight, etc. I firmly believe that unless your weight is due to a medical condition, the mind and body is firmly linked. You have to delve into the mental issues to take off and keep off the weight. I have been trying hard to do that.

A friend recently challenged me to really think about how I felt and thought about myself. And if I really felt so badly about myself, why. What had I done to earn it. It is a hard thing to do. I was talking about my issues with the upcoming class reunion last night with my sister. I know that this too is due to my self esteem issues, and not feeling "good enough". Not being proud of myself and what Ihave accomplished. She told me flat out I had better do something about this mindset if I wanted to get to my goal weight and keep it off.

Weight is about so much more than calories in/calories out.

New Here also...
 

I think I posted here once before but lost track of the thread. Great to see it again. I am 37. I actually lost 48 lbs (to 164) but I gained back about 10. As I seem totally stuck here, I am trying alli to lose the rest. We will see. Everyone I know is married. I am the only single person in my entire workplace (of about 200 people). I am IMHO actually a great catch. I am I think decent looking. I am actually an attorney and have a fun, well paying job, and I think I have a decent personality. In fact, it is hard to say this, for feeling like duh maybe I am wrong, but I think I have several married or otherwise unavailable men with crushes on me. If I was to describe myself, it would be Mary Tyler Moore with a few extra lbs on me. Yet, like her, I am utterly devoid of great guys.

1. Where did all the men go? Was there some line up when I wasn't looking? Since about 25 years old almost every man I have met that I liked and liked me was married or in a long term relationship. I take the train into work and I see a lot of guys that seem single... no rings. But they totally don't look at me, never strike up a conversation... almost seem unfriendly. I don't get it.

2. I have tried dating services but hate to say it, for me, I have to know the person first and have feelings develop. I find people so boring at first and so far, the dating services guys - either are total scammers or just aren't decent men. Sorry there may be a few but it is so hard to find them.

3. I was fat for about 9 years and although I did have some relationships... to say I am rusty. I am so rusty, if someone was actually interested in me now, I might not be able to tell. I mean really. Someone I know actually said to me the other day that he calls me a particular pet name because he likes me and it is a term of affection and it went right over my head. I didn't even respond and someone else insisted that I was very rude not to respond when he put himself out there. To this day I cannot really wrap my head around it really being meant meaningfully. But at the same time, no one lately seems to have the ** to actually step out and say *would you like to go out with me?*. It is all semi nice things that could be taken one way or another.

4. Because all my friends are married, it is hard to talk to them about stuff. I mean they don't seem to want to talk about it. So it is great to find single women.

5. I am actually quite happy and content. I don't think I am going to get married and have kids... it is just too late. I have rather made peace with that. I do want that... but if it doesn't happen... well. That doesn't mean I am not still looking but bottom line anyone who comes into my life has to improve it. I won't put up with it being a hassle (which too often is the case). If I can't have an improvement, why bother? Still it is very hard and lonely staying single. Being not obviously ugly. People say the most outrageous things to me. And it has drummed up after losing the weight.

One lady came over to me and actually lectured me on *not being married at my age* about 2 weeks after her divorce was final. My boss went on for hours at a party about this girl who was retiring and how there must have been something wrong with her because she didn't marry until she was 45 -- but was very pretty. Doh awkward for me. Either he doesn't think I am pretty or forgot that I am not married.

Newish...It's been so long, it counts as new...
 

So here I am...back again. And pretty psyched to see the Single 30's group. It does help to have this thread--especially when you read all the others talking about cooking for their families/husbands/etc and how their lives are busy with those things related to family. I think it's wonderful--don't get me wrong---but it's different dieting when you are single. Adapting recipes to single portions...trying to incorporate your diet into your single life--which often involves happy hours :devil: and eating out more as a way of touching base with your friends and how easy it is just to sit home and not go to the gym. Well, that's how it is for me because I work from home and it's so easy to hole up in my apartment and be lazy. There's no one here to hold me accountable and frankly, it's what I need in some ways. Someone to say, hey why didn't you make it to the gym today? My friends that live in my neighborhood have significant others or belong to work gyms--so no workout buddies for me. I know that I really don't need one but it helps get me going at least at first until I can get into a routine.

I digress. I'm single, soon to be 35 and dying to get about 45 pounds off and looking for a reasonable way to do it that I can stick to. I live in the metro area of NYC so some methods of exercise aren't as simple for me (like swimming). I actually trained and ran a half marathon last October but my neighborhood now isn't conducive to starting running again and frankly it's too blasted hot. So for me, it's the gym or workout dvds or exercises I can do in the privacy of my apartment. I am looking for any suggestions from you girls that have found ways of eating and exercising that work for you. I've been seriously considering a meal delivery plan as a means to give me a rapid jump start...but can't decipher which might be the best and worth the cost. Knowing my prior history with successful weight loss when I was younger, if i could drop 10 lbs in a month, well that would be the fire I need to get to the gym and keep up the good work in eating healthily. So if any of you have any suggestions for me in regards to a jump start for my motivation and then a tried and true, steady plan--I am all ears!!!! :?:

Looking forward to getting to know you gals...Happy Sunday!

Hello Ladies and Welcome!:welcome2::welcome2:

AnneRue-- Your points 1-4 I completely identify with! I must have missed the line up as well! :lol: Where did they all go! I did the online dating thing and all I found were guys who were A)scammers, B)had HUGE egos C) had no idea what they wanted in life, D) were unhealthy and had no desire to be so E) just too old for me. Now in hind site there was one guy that I sent a no thank you note too that I would now like to get to know. But that's now my loss. I said no because at the time I was deadset on only those who had no children. Now, after some thinking I'd like to get to know him. But I guess it just wasn't the right time.

Can I join your club of rusty daters? For me I just don't see what is right in front of me. Why can't they just say something! :?::?: I admit I lack confidence as well, but people have never been nice to me. Right now this dang heat and humidity is causing me to retain water like the Hoover Dam.:lol: I am working on seeing in the mirror what others see. However, I have improved to being 50-50 with it, I'll take the progress though.:) It better when I'm wearing clothes that actually fit and are not baggy. I should be soring with confidence. I bought a pair of shorts at the mall yesterday...size 10! But alsa, I still see myself as fat, even though as of Friday I'm 5'10" tall, 172.2lbs and 24.8% body fat. I bought a fat loss monitor that they use at my gym. My main goal is to change my body composition. I lift weights 4 days a week with cardio and abs as well on each of those days so I'm working on not putting much into the number on the scale.

I find not just my married friends, but my friends that are in relationships also don't understand, forget what it's like to be a single girl and take the "well I got my man" attitude. It's glad to see new life in this thread. LOL..it just may help me keep my sanity and remind me I am normal and worthy of waiting for the right guy and settling is not fair to me.

MertoChickHave you tried keeping a food journal? I keep one and will for the rest of my life. I count my calories and make sure that I stick to lean protein(I'm a vegetarian), veggies, fruit, whole grains, FF dairy 1 protein bar a day and a protein shake made with water after my workouts. That journal is what keeps me inline and accountable for what I eat and drink and I can get a good picture of what I am doing so I can tweak it and make it better.


As I previously posted, I'm returning to school this Fall after a 13 year hiatus. That will also do wonders for my confidence and a nice way to meet new people. If I happen to meet someone great, if not oh well. Being single means I spend my time and money the way I want, when I want! :carrot::carrot::carrot: I don't NEED anyone in my life, I'm independent, but I do WANT to share it with the right person.

It's nice to meet you ladies. Stay cool!

Exactly. I wonder sometimes if my weight did hurt my *prime* guy attracting years. That saddens me. I get the feeling the guys get married at the drop of a hat. They will marry someone they merely like just as kind of filler and presume that if they meet someone else they can just leave.

I also feel like many men use me to get affection and excitement without actually having to leave the *sure thing*.

I also still see myself as fat. And I am disappointed that my fat upper legs are still there. So even though my bottom legs are thin and great, I can't wear skirts because my upper legs still rub.

Metro Chick: I found the best way for me to lose weight was to not go to the gym. I hate the gym. So I started incorporating exercise into my day. Skipping one subway station. 15 minute intervals keep you from getting too hot and do burn calories. So what is better, 40 minutes at the gym 3x per week, or 15 minute walk to work, 30 minute walk at lunch, and 15 minute walk home? Also, I stopped the hassle of dieting per se. I picked a calorie amount that I thought would make me lose and stopped at that calorie count. Even if that meant I didn't get dinner per se.

Hey all. ViolinJenn, I almost had to laugh. I really feel some days that someone is playing an elaborate hoax with my scale and my clothes, and that I haven't really lost weight. I don't see any change when I look in the mirror. I still just see fat. But self acceptance is an issue for me.

I am trying a speed dating event combined with a wine tasting. I need to just get out to social events more, not looking for anything other than the chance to practice some (or rather, develop some) social skills. I have a chip on my shoulder that nobody likes me cuz I am fat, which I really think sends negative energy out. I need to work on that.

Have a good one all.