Tonight, while unpacking and sorting some of the storage boxes from the move, I came across my school yearbooks - from junior high and high school, and started reading all the notes left by classmates.
I know I've said here before that I've been dieting, more often than not, since I was in kindergarten, but it really didn't strike me how much of an impression it made - especially to not-so-close friends and aquaintances.
Reading the notes, several recurring themes emerged - good grades, despite sleeping and/or being inattentive in class (I'd forgotten how bored I was in school), boys (which boys I liked, and which liked me), comments on how I was nice to everybody (sometimes with almost derogatory tone - as if I wasn't picky enough - pretty typical puberty pecking order stuff to me). There were also comments about my extra, or always changing weight (mostly joking or not meant meanly), and comments about my dieting.
It did strike me that I had more friends than I remembered (I was second-tier popular - no a chance of becoming class president or prom queen, and not always invited to the "best" parties, but far from being a social outcast). Some of the comments from boys were kind of flirty, and I don't remember if I ever realized that at the time. I did have two serious boyfriends in high school, and went to every school dance, so it wasn't as if I thought I was doomed to be dateless in high school - but with some of the comments in the yearbook, I wonder if I was oblivious to some male attention (a couple were from boys I remember having crushes on - so I'd think I would have picked up on flirting FROM them, but maybe I brushed it off as a joke, or didn't pick up on it, out of self-defense).
Aside from the positive male attention that I appeared to be oblivious to at the time, I was most surprised by the number of notes referencing dieting, especially those that occurred in JUNIOR HIGH 6th through 8th grade.
The title of this thread is from a classmate in my 6th grade yearbook. There were several similar notes from boys and girls in every yearbook from 6th grade through highschool, either commenting on my dieting or wishing me luck with my dieting.
You know, I always have known that I have been diet-obsessed most of my life - but I guess I never realized how apparent it was to the people around me (not just close friends, but casual friends and acquaintances too).
I was most surprised at how supportive some of the notes were. Like many teens, I often felt alienated and sometimes even harassed - and it's true that the bullying and harassing events rarely makes it into to yearbook reminiscences (I never offered my yearbook to my enemies and frienemies to sign).
At any rate, it rereading the notes, gave me a new perspective on my life, and the person I was at that time, and how it influenced the person I am now. It's a bit like self-anthropology/archaeology.
huh. interesting! Now I wanna go back and look at mine too! I wonder....
I had a good time in high school... with my friends... but all through school I struggled with my weight and there were those that were just mean. Very, very mean... to the point that I still occassionally have nightmares. I've been in therapy for many years between issues with my step mom and issues with my classmates... overall the feeling of not being good enough.
I will never ever go to a class reunion.
EVER.
But I still wonder... if the themes I find in my yearbook notes will echo how I've turned out. Honestly, my guess is there will be a lot of talk of being there for ppl. Which wouldn't surprise me since I turned out as a social worker (well, I have my degree but I'm not working in my field right now.)
I think for me, my gradeschool through highschool experiences were a very mixed bag. There were some awesome times and good friends, and there were also some very traumatic and ugly events. I guess I was smack dab in the middle. I have plenty of horror stories, but some great ones too. During it, the stress was so high - I definitely wouldn't want to repeat any of it. If I had been given the option, I probably would have wanted to be home schooled - though I don't know if that would have been better. I think both the good and the bad, made me the person I am (and for the most part, like).
Maybe I wouldn't be as compassionate, if I hadn't been hurt so often.
I've never really had a burning desire to go to any class reunion (even college, which was a much better experience). I have the impression that the people I wouldn't mind seeing, aren't the type who would be any more interested than I in going to a class reunion.
It was just interesting to see some of the "good stuff" that I'd either forgotten, or hadn't even grasped at the time. I do remember at the time, thinking that some people wrote "good stuff" that they may not have meant. Whereas reading it now, I'm less suspicious/paranoid. Although, I can say that generically, especially during puberty and adolescence, I was more suspicious and self-conscious overall. If someone outside my close circle of friends was being "nice," it probably meant they were wanting something or were up to some trick that would end up being mean (like the boy in freshman homeroom who pretended to like me, so he could make fun of me with his friends later).
Looking through the yearbooks though, it was really interesting to see how much I've changed and yet how much I've stayed the same.
yeah... maybe on second thought i'd skip my jr high ones and go to high school only. lol. To this day 7th grade remains the worst year of my life, with a close follow up of 6th grade. I shudder to remember.
To a nice girl, who is always on a diet.
(well, I have my degree but I'm not working in my field right now.)
