I just don't know what's happened the past couple of weeks but I am gradually being sucked down the grey spiral.
Some years ago I was diagnosed with an ongoing, low-grade depression. Meds didn't help, they made me feel not like me, so I live with it as who I am. Mostly it's ok, it really is, but occasionally, and usually out of the blue, I step on a bit of the grey floor that's not there and sink down into a darker bit. I think, I think, I've still got my finger tips on the grey bit and I'm trying to haul myself out.
I find my new job - well, just grey.
I still don't know where to go with the 'best' but silent again friend - but it suddenly hit me that I was planning this trip to Paris ~ which sounds very scary for a lone traveller, actually ~ which was going to run out about £1,000 mostly to spite him/prove a point to myself. Hm.
I'm eating like a waste disposal unit.
My house is a health hazard.
My clothes are a disgrace.
The sucking sound of the black hole is getting quite loud now - but Just for Today (great thread, that) I'm going to try and address, the house the clothes and the eating.
My spouse deals with a similar issue. There is a 'personality' type (can't remember what it's called) where your 'mood set point' is just a little below neutral. You can get up into happy sometimes or down deeper into depressed at others but tend to exist just below that neutral line. Sounds like you're working hard to stay at your set point.
The one thing my spouse tells me is that he can't cater to the 'grey' (as you call it) or it becomes stronger. I think by taking care of the parts you can impact (your environment), it will help you from sinking deeper into the place where it feels you can't control anything. It takes courage and honor to fight this little battle daily. I am so very proud of my husband for his valiant efforts and I'm proud of yours. Keep doing little things each day that you can be proud of. I think you're on the right track. Depression is cyclical and doing what you need to do will help you get through the downturn. And you can always come here!
I know exactly the feeling you're talking about. And exactly the house you're talking about.
You might try some different meds, there are lots out there and you might find one that works. If that seems like a lot of effort, it might well be worth it to feel good.
How are your carbs? I don't know how they effect you, but when I ate junky carbs they contributed to my depression a lot.
How about exercise? Are you getting some in? Really good grey diffuser.
What about friends? SOunds like the one you've mentioned on more than one occasion is a bit of a jerk. Do you have others that energize you whose company you enjoy, and aren't so much work?
Another thing that helps me is trying to cultivate my curiosity. Try to be curious about something, and then follow up on exploring it. Curiosity is a distant cousin to enthusiasm. Sometimes when I can summon one, the other one shows up too.
Try to take good care of yourself, even though you don't feel like it. Eat well, do the laundry, do something you enjoy. Sometimes the habit of taking care of yourself will be enough to carry you through.
I'm really sorry you're depressed. I hope you can find a way to feel better. I will pray for you this morning. We all love and appreciate you on this board. You're doing so well, and contribute so much here. Thanks for being here, and hang in there!!!
Thankyou, both of you, for your really perceptive comments and support.
I will concentrate today on the house/self things that I control, and bee, kudos to your husband for his ongoing fight!
thinp - I was wondering about the effects of food on depression but wasn't sure about posting it for fear of offending people affected by depression far worse than me, I know I'm mild compared to many but I also know it's not just 'feeling fed up today', I do eventually get to the point of feeling on the edge of non-existence if I don't catch it.
carbs - yes, I've eatn a lot of bread and candy this past couple of weeks. all (mostly) within calorie budget but probably not the healthiest choices. I will address that as well as the domestician issues.
SOrry you're experiencing all that - I can't say I know how it feels, but I still feel bad for you. One thing I completely agree with, a clean sparkly house is one of the best things in the world LOL It's great exercise and can physically exhaust you the good way, and when it's done have a nice hot bath and relax and then wander around checking out your handy work! Having a nice clean house and all the laundry caught up can contribute greatly to well being
"hang in there" seems patronising and trite, but i mean it sincerely, and i hope things improve for you.
I went through a bad depression about a year after I had my youngest child and the biggest thing I learned to help me get out of the deeper holes is that you need to work on the things you can control and not worry so much about the things you can't. I do have "episodes" now and have to work to keep them away.
Thin brought up some good points. The junk will make me worse and so will not exercising. In fact I have to exercise, esp with the problems we are going through with my 8 year old (he was just diagnosed as bi-polar) and I was feeling myself slip. I'm no longer on medication but my therapist thinks it's a good thing to substitute exercise for meds
You are worth it so pull yourself up out of the hole and start making yourself happy
It sounds to me, from reading your posts along the way, that you are facing a big change right now. New job, weight loss plan, change of an important friendship. So gosh, I would be scared spitless! And feeling overwhelmed. It could be that things have just been going too fast for you, so internally you're trying to put on the brakes and slow down.
Of course it's OK to do that, as long as you don't decide to come to a complete stop and back up!
So take it a bit easier. Maybe the trip to Paris was a bit over the top, but you could still plan a trip for yourself--to somewhere that you would feel safer as a lone traveler and could still have an enjoyable, relaxing time. Perhaps find someone else (other than the silent, absent "friend") to take along.
And keep to your goals, but without haste or rush!
I totally know where you're coming from and I know how hard it is to get back on the better side of things. Sometimes I find the smallest happy thing will flip the switch back the other way.
But I do think food plays a role. I've also been eating badly lately, but have still been exercising and on-plan sometimes. I notice a pretty much immediate difference in my mood, energy and outlook when I'm eating better and taking care of myself.
But it is tough to want to when you feel so blah, isn't it? Day by day Rosinante, better choices day by day, that's all a gal can do.
Rosinante Sorry to hear you are blue. I read that exercise you help you feel better. Maybe, visit with friends or relatives. Hope you feel better soon!
Everyone has already told you so many good things, Rosinante ---
Let me say that scientific studies show that for mild to moderate depression, aeorbic exercise works as well as or better than meds --- and it is way cheaper and has much nicer side effects. So, crank up some tunes and dance around the kitchen in your nightie! Walk down to that new shop you have meaning to check out! Go do a few laps in the neighborhood pool!
Don't let the circumstances of your life right now derail you! You have been making wonderful progress in your weight loss and that is so important to your health! Hang in there!
Hmmm. I'm feeling similiar. Calling it "grey" is just about right. I am emotionally exhausted from holding my husband's hand through a purchase of a new jeep. Wow. No one told me how much work a marriage can be--even when you're doing fun stuff.
Do what you can--and call yourself blessed for being able to have your "house" under your control. I find it demoralising to clean up--just because the husband and the kids have the same bad "we don't put things away" habits. (And hubby is home all week.)
Man, I hope I'm not depressing you! Anyway,
It'll be OK, really it will. Limit your carbs this week, and get back in the saddle. You are not making food choices based on your moods anymore, right? You know that's not a good long term weight loss strategy. Do what you know is right.
So far,
I've got a 98% sparkly sitting room - just got the windowsills to wash.
I've taken a dog for a walk, not far, she's develped vestibular syndrome and falls over easily (but will improve), but better than nothing.
Rang the cable company to dispute a bill. Got two non-English speakers, one who hung up, one who said. 'I'll arrange a call back' and hung up because I couldn't understand their answers (their answers, not their accent). If no call-back today, I shall write tomorrow.
Rung up the flooring company to get them to mend the laminate flooring which is lifting.
Rung 'the friend', talked about life etc nothing deep, arranged lunch for next Tuesday. We're going to a restaurant he's tried and been wanting to show me for a while, which sounded amicable.
However, when I said, 'I'll just ask this once. I can draw lines, can you?' 'Yes', he said. 'There's maybe one thing to say but not over lunch.'
'Really?' I said. 'I was annoyed by you; you were annoyed by my response; we draw a line.' 'Oh, there's just one more thing to be said. Maybe in the carpark after lunch.'
'You have something else to say, fine. See you Tuesday.'
This is withering in the light of reality, isn't it? What a manipulator. Either it's an apology (yea right) or he will try to make me feel small. The good news is - I see the manipulation; he will not make me feel small, got my 'thanks but no thanks' ready; I will, of course, accept an apology - but, regretfully, I think this is one friendship on the fizzle.
Hmmmm... on that little talk in the car park thing....
You know, planning works for lots of stuff besides weight loss. I think I would plan to say "You have really given me a lot to think about here. Let me take some time to process all this and get back to you" to almost anything he says. Then, you aren't blindsided by some way out of the blue thing he might bring up, so you don't have to react as strongly or whatever as your immediate emotions might lead you to do.
Circling the drain
I know exactly the feeling you're talking about. And exactly the house you're talking about. 
