I have been feeling pretty blue the past few days, sorry if this sounds a bit melancholy. Hopefully writing it all down will help a little.
It occured to me a few days ago, I am not sure exactly why I am on a diet.
I seem to have it burned into my head that I am fat and *must* be on a diet, limit myself to eating foods which I can't be critiscised for infront of others, all kinds of little things like that. Obviously this effects my life since I don't eat out with friends, it's only if I have to I'll have something small.
I think it's making me quite unhappy that I can't just kickback and enjoy life. My whole view on food, exercise, eating, dieting is so alienated and I'm not sure where it got this crazy.
My weight goes up and down a fair bit, a few days ago I was 133lbs, but I got rid of my scale (mini triumph I think!)
And I know this isn't fat, and I'm not sure what weight I'm expecting to maintain at, since about 140 lbs seems to be my best weight.
I scrutinise everything on me, an example is getting aggrivated that I still have flabby upper arms, but is it really fat? I think it's just skin and muscle, logically. But something in me won't be happy until I get rid of it. Or disappointed that the tops of my thighs still touch. It's such a silly way to judge yourself, but I can't help it.
It's like seeing all these magazine covers, music videos, models, movies filled with actresses who are so thin makes me think I must look like that... Subconsciously. I'm fully aware of what the media and society try to sell as beautiful or attainable and I think it's horrible, yet I think I'm being influenced so strongly by it.
It's really upsetting to think I have to exercise so hard and diet so strictly to try and justify myself. I always liked to exercise and eat healthy, but I've lost all the joy in doing it over the past couple of years.
My self worth was the number on the scale, but I chucked out my scale so I am feeling rather lost.
I'm stuck in a rut which I have no idea how to even begin to get out of it.