Do people try to sabotage your efforts? - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

bopeep · 03-19-2009, 04:21 PM

My mum has always been weird about my weight. She is also passive agressive about it. She does things like comment on my weight, then hand me a piece of pie. She is always mailing me junk food, even though I have asked her not to a million times. When I told her I was taking up belly dancing, she said I 'had lots of belly for it'.

Last week she said she had a bunch of clothes to send me (she is a compulsive shopper (she has lots of issues...)). They arrived in the mail today. Sizes 16 and 18. I am now a 12/14 and getting thinner, and she knows it. She askes me how the diet is going every freaking time I talk to her.

I really appreciate her sending me boxes of clothes, as I am not exactly rolling in extra cash, but I feel like screaming!!! I called her to say 'thanks' and mentioned that the clothes were nice and I would wear them as soon as I had them adjusted. Nice and diplomatic, right? She was surprised they would need adjusting.

BP

beerab · 03-19-2009, 06:30 PM

Ug sorry you have to deal with that- some mom's just aren't exactly the most helpful. My mom is the type with a comment for EVERYTHING. I can't even drive in the car without her telling me the way to get there- no matter how many times I say "I know how to get there mom."

I think certain tailoring can be just as costly, I'd thank her for the clothes and ask her if she can send you receipts or if you can send them back and get smaller sizes instead of paying to alter them

Course next time she might retaliate and send you stuff size 8 so they don't fit lol.

bobbidipity · 03-19-2009, 10:32 PM

I too am sorry you're dealing with that ... not sure what to say except that some people just don't seem to get it. I would hate for someone to spend money on shipping me things I'm not going to eat or use, so I'd probably be a bit more brazen in saying that since XXX food doesn't fit my lifestyle or size XXX no longer fits, I wish she'd save herself the time and money. You could ask whether she'd like you to give the clothes back next time you see her or donate them to a charitable organization.

My parents' health issues, which are at least partially weight-induced, are my biggest inspiration for trying to achieve a healthy lifestyle. So I was a bit dismayed this week when my son returned from spending some special time with Grandma and Grandpa with a plate of brownies and a tale about having lunch at an all-you-can eat buffet restaurant. If I didn't take the brownies, my parents would have been (1) hurt and (2) would have eaten them themselves. And my son would've been crushed if I'd gotten rid of the treats he'd so proudly made with Grandma. Ugh.

Also, just last week a coworker who is also working toward a small loss begged me to share a giant cookie with her while we were having lunch at a sandwich shop. I stood my ground, but it's like people want to take you with them when they fall off the wagon.

bopeep · 03-20-2009, 12:50 AM

I wish I could get my mum to stop buying stuff I don't want, but telling her not to buy 'whatever', just goes in one ear and out the other. She sees shopping as her hobby. She loves to get a good deal on something - she'll buy the ugliest things you can imagine, just because it's on sale!

She knows I don't keep everything she sends me - A couple of times a year I give what I don't want to a women's shelter. (Funny - I told her that that was what I was doing, and she sent me another box of stuff specifically to give to the shelter!). We generally get along, and I don't get mad at her for her behaviour - she has reasons for her weirdness - but it drives me nuts sometimes. I just calmly tell her 'thank you, but I don't wan't pie/I don't want 2 pounds of gummy bears/I can't wear these clothes. And then I vent to DH

beerab - if she sends me some size 8 stuff, I will try my darndest to fit into them and send her a photo!

I don't know if I will ever make it to size 8, but I'm gonna try!!!

bobbidipity - Boy that was a dilema! Maybe next time he brings back something like that you can freeze them for some future use? I don't know if that would work for me - I love brownies, and if they were in the freezer, I would be thinking about them all the time!

That cookie reminded me of last week - I was meeting a friend from dance class for coffee before the class and she bought me a donut without asking. I was able to wrap it up 'for later' with the excuse that I couldn't possibly eat it before class or I would be sick (the truth). I thanked her, wrapped it up, and tossed it in a trash can on my way home. I felt bad for wasting it, but I am not feeling an urge to fall off the wagon at the moment, so why chance it!

BP

loveDC425 · 03-20-2009, 01:14 AM

man i feel like this ALL The time with my family- I get told how bad i look, how fat i am and how i will never find a handsome husband if i dont lose weight. and after that disscusion i am being offered all this fatty food that they cook and on TOP of that they are SO insulted if I refuse to eat it. and I wasl ike I THOUGHT you told me to lose weight, and they are always like 'its ok this ONE time." But its NOT ok when every single one of your family members say that, and you have a huge family to visit at different houses. Its so frustrating...

Does anyone have family thats always telling them how bad they look? I feel like 90% of my anxiety and consciousness about my looks is from my parents and family. Theres a black dress my friends tell me I look so good in, and I've def gotten attention from guys in it too, and so i thought itd be safe to wear at home without getting commetns. As soon as my dad saw me he was like OMG you look SOO fat in that, why are you wearing that! And i just wanted to run into the bathroom and CRY! I hate it =( .. and i hate the fact that they think I will not find a good husband because of my weight... its horrible .. =( because i dont want that to feed into my head that i cant find love because of it- i dont want to lose weight for someone else- but those thoughts just keep coming back to my head since its emphazized so much in my family who mean alot to me ..

anyone else having similar issues and how are you dealing with it ?

beerab · 03-20-2009, 11:55 AM

Dang love- do you live at home? It seems harsh but I'd just stop visiting if I were you- you don't need that sort of negativity.

Is your family thin? I'd constantly say "wow you are so fat, dad those pants make you look fat, mom that stuff makes you look fat" and if they offer food say "I can't eat that fattening crap- omg that's DISGUSTING food no wonder I'm so fat, if I keep eating that fattening crap I'm gonna stay fat forever!" lol.

Seriously if someone puts me down I turn right around and do the same. My dad told me I was fat all my life, and finally one day I was like well sorry I'm such a big disapointment dad, never mind the fact I have a master's degree, wonderful husband, and so on, all that matters is that I'm fat! Course was like I'm proud of you BUT you should lose weight.... *ARG*

I haven't spoken to my father in years because of all his abuse and my life is the best now- I'm not saying don't speak to your family but seriously it's one of those things where you got to stand up for yourself IMO. Specially if you say "everytime you call me fat it hurts me" and they don't stop.

loveDC425 · 03-20-2009, 12:39 PM

thanks for the advice beerab-- no i dont live at home actually i live 3 hours away!! but i feel like they just haunt me around in my head! I guess i need to focus on controlling my thoughts in my head and not let their comments influence me... its annoying cuz sometimes i dont even want to loose the weight because once i do lose weight/and or find a man.. they will be like 'if she never lost that weight she would have never found a man, good 4 her" lol. .and i hate that because im not loosing it for someone ! grrr!!!

beerab · 03-20-2009, 12:53 PM

haha girl trust me I have known those kind of people! It's just ridiculous, family should lift you up, not bring you down! My husband's family are such wonderful people I wish my own family were more like that. I could be 500 lbs and they would never say one negative word against me.

bopeep · 03-20-2009, 01:05 PM

Love - I think how you respond depends on how much you care about your family. If it's a toxic relationship, you really do need to learn to detach, for your own mental health. If you love them and want to be around them, but just wish they would stop, there are a couple of paths you acould take, but it depends on how they are, and you know them way better than we do!

Usually when people say things mean or negative things like that it is because they are on the defensive - trying to draw attention to your 'flaws' so that the attention won't be on theirs. It is not usually done consciously, and takes some effort to change.

You could try beerab's suggestion - turn the tables on them, and comment on something negative about them. For some people this is the only way to learn that comments can hurt.

Or you could try this approach (takes a lot of practice in front of a mirror to be able to say it without bursting into tears!!!): When your dad says you look fat in 'that dress'/whatever, you could turn to him and ask him 'Why would you say such a hurtful/rude/mean thing'? He'll probably say something along the lines that he was just joking, ot that it's true, but you will need to keep on it. 'Dad, that's not funny (or Dad, I know I'm fat, and I'm working on it). It's hurtful/rude/mean, why would you say that to me'? You have to keep the focus on the fact that it is a mean thing to say and you would like an apology, not a laugh. You may or may not get the apology (depends on the person and how stubborn they are), but that person now knows you will call him on his behaviour every time he makes a comment like that.

In any event, you might want to see a therapist for a couple of sessions, to learn how to handle your family. Even if you are doing well and function normally, a good therapist can teach you how to recognize what is going on and handle those that aren't quite so 'well'.

But seriously - if you like that black dress, then wear it! Don't let a comment like that stop you from doing something *you* like - it's your dress and you can wear it. If he doesn't like it then he can't borrow it!

BP

bobbidipity · 03-21-2009, 12:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bopeep

Maybe next time he brings back something like that you can freeze them for some future use? I don't know if that would work for me - I love brownies, and if they were in the freezer, I would be thinking about them all the time!

Thanks for the great tip! Sometimes I forget how many things can be frozen. That would work for the kids too -- "We're going to enjoy a just a few of Grandma's brownies today and a few more next week."

LoveDC and beerab, I'm so sorry you've heard such rude comments from your dads. My own dad used to say I looked like I was "kissed by an alligator." He thought that was funny, and I was pretty old before I realized it was an insult. Ugh. I really like bopeep's suggestion of saying "Why would you say such a hurtful thing?" That would put you in a position of strength and grace and put the onus on the offending person to explain himself.

Oh, and LoveDC, I get what you mean about feeling haunted. It's often the crappy stuff that seems to echo endlessly in the mind. But don't let that trick you into heading down an unhealthy path. The person you really need to please is yourself.

moon safari · 04-05-2009, 05:30 PM

I will never understand why people think that saying hurtful things will encourage others to make changes in their lives. I think it's a backward way of them telling you they're worried about you. I think bopeep has an excellent idea of confronting them. Telling them that those comments hurt your feelings and that you don't want to hear them anymore. If they do it again, remind them that you asked them already once, you won't ask them again, and it will not be tolerated.

Gypsy Severina · 04-06-2009, 10:05 PM

I actually took the approach with my dad about emphasizing that his comments hurt, and it's actually strengthened our relationship. He's made comments about my lifestyle or my friends or my schoolwork or whatever, and if they're negative I say, "Dad, that was not funny and it was definitely not ok." He'll bluster and blow for a few hours, but then he'll apologize because he knows I'm right. For example, he used to get mad because once I hit puberty I didn't want to wear his humongous T-shirt and polos anymore and wanted to wear tighter girl clothes. By tighter, I meant going from a 3X in guys to a 2X in girls- not skin-tight vinyl. He wanted me to cover up, go out and buy the Fruit of the Loom shirts that come in a 3-pack (that's just an insult to my femininity) even though I live in T-shirt and jeans. My mother and I had to double-team and explain that the way girl clothes are cut are completely different than guy clothes, and that I do not want to be able to pitch a tent in my shirts! It's taken him a while, but he'd finally over it. Don't back down, in time they will learn and accept. You shouldn't have to feel horrible about yourself just because of who your share DNA with.

On the subject of sabotage, has anyone got a relative who wants to "help" but in the end you just feel like shooting yourself? My grandmother on my mom's side keeps trying to cook me low-fat food because it's good for "us". She is diabetic, I am not, so what is good for her is not good for me. She nags, latches onto the nearest family member like a leech, and drains us of all tolerance and happiness. She also cannot cook. Really, she can't. She made Splenda brownies and it was like biting into clay, it was dry and crumbly and I would have rather eaten Play-Doh.

harrismm · 04-06-2009, 11:19 PM

Families are so fun!!I have spent most of my life irritated with my mother.She is very intrusive and I have always felt like she was always telling me what to do or not do.She has never said anything rude, she just has a tone to her voice that I understand.As I have gotten older I have learned to appreciate her for who she is and what she is, A MOM.I am the mother of 3 (1 18 yo)>boy ,its hard to let him go.I have turned into the mother I never wanted to be.Calling him to find out what he had for dinner and reminding him to change his oil and cut his hair.You never stop being a mom.I know I drive him nuts.Maybe she just has a hard time telling you she is worried about your health and it comes out in this offensive way.Just a thought???I do understand though.Sometimes I let my phone go to voice mail when my mom is calling because I just cant deal with her........which makes me think that is probably why my oldest son does not answer when I call sometimes.Hummmmmmm......LOL!!!

Amy Blue · 04-08-2009, 08:12 AM

bopeep & loveDC425, my family is the exact same way. My mother and aunt are the worst culprits, but my whole family (and even some non-family members) are bad when it comes to sabotage and general rudeness/ignorance.

My mother has been going on at me about my weight since I was quite young. I didn't know it back then because my perception was so badly skewed by my family's views, but now, looking back I wasn't fat (I found my old school uniform a while back and it was a UK size 10). She's big too (so is my aunt), but their reasoning is that since they're smaller than me (but still obese), it gives them the right to be condescending and mean.

Since I've started seriously changing my eating habits, instead of encouraging me and even joining in, they insist on eating junk (in front of me) and belittling my attempts at healthy eating. I've spoken to them time and time again about it with no change.

In the end, I moved out of the family home and funnily enough, I've lost more weight, done more exercise and felt much better than I ever did staying in that toxic environment. I still talk to my family, and I visit from time to time, but that's it. And I make sure they know that the topic of my weight is completely off limits.

Athenawithheart · 04-08-2009, 08:39 AM

An ex-boyfriend's mother was doing Jenny Craig, and gave me her clothes "because I'm a big girl." Imagine how much that hurt when they were too small for me at the time.

My soon-to-be-ex-husband did this all the time, too. Tell me to eat junk food, encouraging me to eat junk food, then making comments about my weight. And then the minute I started to lose weight, telling me I won't be able to keep it up, my diet is not sustainable, I will lose it all back eventually, etc.

Fortunately, there is no longer anyone in my life who is not supportive of my weight loss.