[Violet]

My weight is back in the 170s for the first time in YEARS. I feel terrible, emotionally and physically. But it just seems so hopeless. I was doing so well, losing so much weight, and now I've gained almost 20 lbs back in total. I have constant pain in my back and legs that seem to have no cause at all, chronic nausea (again, no discernible cause) and agoraphobia. I can't live independently (I feel sorry for my parents being stuck with me, but that doesn't mean I don't get annoyed with them!), so I have to work my life around my parents', both of whom are retired.

I'm really annoyed with my living arrangements. Mainly because my doctor refuses to entertain the idea that there's anything wrong with me until I lose about fifty pounds, which, fair enough, but how the heck am I supposed to exercise, exactly? Can't do it outside for obvious reasons. Can't do it inside because I don't HAVE a half hour to myself. My mother goes to bed at 1 am at the earliest and she's up by 9. My dad comes home at 1 am and goes to bed around 5 am. He then sleeps in two hours bursts for the remainder of the day. Meanwhile, my mother is in and out all day, and when she's in, she absolutely needs both the television and a direct visual line to said television in the only room close to large enough for exercising in. And my father's favorite pastime is making fun of me.

And I really, really just want my doctor to accept that there's something wrong with me. I mean, they started acting up when I was just learning to sleep in my big girl bed when I was a kid. I wasn't fat then! And, I mean, it can't all be weight related, because I got rid of the pain entirely for a few months last year, so (believe it or not, it was lying in an uncomfortable hospital bed for 12 hours without moving very often that did it, go figure). I barely sleep any more because it's finally started waking me up at night as well as just keeping me from falling asleep. I can't sit in one position for more than a minute or two - either my back aches and my legs start buzzing, or my neck starts to hurt and my hands go numb. I barely sleep, I can't eat unless I know for sure that I'm going to be home for the rest of the day (whenever I eat my stomach gets upset), and with all this, I can't go anywhere even if I want to try.

I hate myself, I hate being fat, and I hate myself for being fat. I hate that I can't stop myself from bingeing, even when I can tell that I'm not hungry - I'll eat even if my stomach aches from eating too much. But, well. Even if I lose the weight, I still won't have any friends (you can't meet people without going outside), I'll still be the pathetic 25 (26 in a few weeks) - year - old who lives with her parents and likely will for a long time to come.

And, heck, as I've proven, even when I lose the weight, I just pack it back on in the end.

I've been on every antidepressant in the book. They do help, but the fact is that my depression isn't idiopathic. I'm depressed because my life is pathetic. In the end, who cares if I'm fat? Even though I know it's supposed to be for my health, I'm only trying to lose weight because I'm tired of looking so ugly. Not that I'll ever be pretty, really, but, well, it'd be an improvement at least.

I'm sorry for going on for so long. It's just that if I hear one more person give me "diet tips" I'm going to punch them. This is not about a freaking diet. I don't eat too much because the food tastes so great (though that's always nice when it does!), I eat so much because I always feel hungry, even when I'm very, very aware of being just the opposite. I wish I could tell people that it feels like I'm holding my breath for as long as I possibly can - but eventually you have to breathe!

Anyway. Sorry I went on for so long.

[mizmizzy]

I'm actually going through alot of the same emotions you are right now. I''m chronically depressed because of my current situation in my life everything is falling apart. And the worst part is that I do live on my own but my car died a few weeks ago and I am so behind in debt I have No way what so ever to get another vehicle not even a 500 dollar beater. Since my bf lives 25 mins away and doesnt drive and his parents are poor and cant fix their truck I have barely seen him in weeks. My family doesnt care and wont even give me a ride up to see him. I cant afford a taxi and all the bus systems suck. Pretty much he is the only joy left in my life and I cant even have that now. Plus I am fat and I understand what you are saying about feeling ugly and how losing weight would at least be one improvement -- I feel that way to. Its like theres nothing else anymore because seriously everything else is so haywire and depressing. And no one understands the depression either they think its just a tough phase and I should get over it. They have no idea what its like to cry every single day for hours on end because I feel so hopeless that I dont even want to wake up the next day.
Sigh. I know I am not much "help" but I am deffinatly in the same emotional boat you are.

[Violet]

It helps to know I'm not the only one. I hope things start looking up for you!

[prinny]

Honestly, I just sleep it off. It sounds really bad but for somereqason just sleeping 12-18 hours seems to reset my brain

[mizmizzy]

Thanks violet I hope things are getting better for you to <3 And actually getting extra sleep sounds like a great idea...think I'll go try that right now and pry myself away from the computer! :P

[Bumbleberry]

You are clearly suffering from depression and no "diet" will fix that. You must fix your core issues first. Possibly counseling may help but it may require something more.

I would start with 3,000 IU of vit. D daily. Don't expect anything else, and don't do anything else. Just take the vitamin D for a couple of weeks. Then, call your doctor and plead your case again. Tell him that you think that you need to be screened for depression. Your chronic pain, insomnia and weight gain are all huge, red flags.

I've been there and I know the feeling of the gigantic hole that you don't think you will ever crawl out of. I understand. It's hard and it may take time, but it is possible to change.

You are dealing with something much "bigger" than a problem with your mind. Depression is a physical disability and should be treated with the same respect and seriousness as any other phyiscal disability or disorder. Once you realize that, and once you find a medical professional on board with you, your life will start to turn around.

But for now, take your vitamin D and a fish oil supplement if you can.

[Liliann]

Dear Violet... Don't stop taking your medication for depression. Talk with your doctor, so he can give you the updated meds ,,Give your body a chance, so your medication can work..It won't work 100%, you got to support it..Drink water, go for a walk to clear your mindset.

Diets don't work..Food is not the enemy..Emotions. People with depression have checmial imbalance.If the meds not balance the brain, might need ect treatments.

Stay positive and work with your inner self for a positive lifestyle changes. Peace be with you!

[Carla Leigh]

Hon, I will never say I know what someone is going through, but I do understand the frustration. I am 29 and weigh 216lbs. By far the heaviest I‘ve ever been. I got married 4 years ago and moved from Texas to Mass. Leaving my entire support system behind. I have gained 66lbs in those 4 years. I can see where living with your parents would be a pain in the rear end, try living with someone else’s =( My husband and I live with his dad who is a complete (bleep). He is also retired and NEVER leaves the house. With the relationship I have with my mom (she is my BF) I could tell her to mind her own business. With him, he is the age of my grandmother and is totally old school. If me and my hubby are having problems he sees no problem in butting in at all times. I get absolutely ZERO help with the housework although my hubby is a great cook, reason #1 my weight is were it is, that is all he does. I have become a prisoner in my own room. Whith out give anymore detail I ave gone into a very deep depression, I understand the crying for hours in you bed. I understand not even being able to make room to exercise.

I have a good job that is the highlight of my day (how sad is that). Until two weeks ago my husband had a great job and we were well on our way to moving the “h-e double hockey sticks” out. His being laid off changed that. But do you this he has contributed to any of the housework??? NO. Do you think he has done anything but sit on his rear and watch TV? NO. It took an act of congress to get him to FINALLY file for unemployment. That would be too easy right.

Well that is why I went to my primary doc for help. He did what your doctor did, tell me to lose weight and all my med problems would go away. You know the first thing I did? I got a new doctor. A doc who doesn’t listen to your concerns is not the right doctor for you. I don’t know if that is an option for you, but I am getting the help I need for the depression and chronic pain.

Ok well there my rant for the night. I hope your world starts to get better. Just remember we don’t have to meet for lunch or hang out to be friends.

[healthfreak]

I've been there a number of times; there have been moments that I wished I had a gun so I could solve the "problem" right away. But yes, sleeping it off kind of helps for a while.