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Old 04-12-2009, 12:39 AM   #13
littletortugalover
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Savannah, GA
Posts: 31

S/C/G: 231/156/150

Height: 5'8''

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What a great topic. I lost a "best" friend along with the first 50 pounds. She got all funny about introducing me to new friends and accused me of trying to steal her "crush" by just trying to engage him in some dialogue about music--I was learning to play the guitar at the time. Sure I liked him. But even at my thinnest ever--still 170-180 pounds--I never in a million years actually thought he'd be interested in me. I never flirted with him, I just talked to him about music and hung out with him a few times, not even alone. I knew I was so not on his radar. I wrote it off completely, like all my other male relationships. So I didn't see it coming when she thought my behavior towards him was threatening to her goal. I had always been able to be friendly with any men I wanted without worrying they'd think I was interested in them and wanting a relationship. I never projected that, and my fat shell was a way to avoid it, for sure. All my girlfriends knew I was safe.

I stopped being safe--and found out who my friends really were. Its not that my friend changed. She was always that way--she wasn't my friend. She was using me and my relative "worthlessness" to feel good about herself. When I changed, her true colors came out. People choose their compatriots for different reasons at different times. It's not always the case that two people are just vastly similar and compatible. Many times friendships are sustained by a dynamic that involves a person's needs being met. That's not wrong--I think we all serve a purpose in the lives of the people we care for and are in relationship with. But sometimes, when you find out that the need you were meeting for someone else was a dark one, one that found strength in feelings of superiority and--ultimately--fear, that can be upsetting.

It's been 4 years, and it took me a long, long while to come to terms with that turnabout. How can someone who was supposed to care for me be so nasty about something that was so good for me on so many levels?? That was hard to take. She wanted me fat. Even now, it is hard to swallow.

I am not friends with even one of the people I went to college with who knew me before I lost weight. The poisonous friend turned the others against me, and I suppose we had grown apart enough that it stuck. Now I have new friends.

I don't know how I feel about it, honestly. It's painful to think too much about it. I am just more careful about my behavior towards others...I try to be supportive of people the way my friends were not supportive of me. But honestly, I can't say that I don't have my moments of "thank God I don't look like that anymore." I just have to check myself by saying "there but by the grace of God go I...."
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