Location: Nebraska. I live in rural Nebraska. Moo.
Posts: 20
S/C/G: 167/162/145
Height: 5'7"
Partner Watches Porn; Feeling Fat For It
Ok, so long story short.. I found out my boyfriend watches porn even though we have a very active sex life and he says he loves me. I really feel at this point that I should stop eating completely.
I told him of my plan to lose thirty pounds and he claims that is far too much. Still.. How is that too much? I feel nasty and unattractive knowing he watches girls on the internet with perfect bodies. I told him how I felt about it and he said he still loves just me and that every guy does it only for quick relief.. And most guys are lying if they say they don't. He also added that he feels he can't be honest with me in the future because of how I reacted. I feel ashamed of myself and nasty around him now.
When I told him I was going to lose thirty pounds as quickly as possible, he said, "How about only 15? We can compromise and I will only watch half as much porn." I feel the need to lose more than 15 pounds even more because of that statement because it validates the fact that I am too fat and unattractive now if he will only watch half as much porn later on once I look half as good as I could be if it was thirty pounds.
It seems like it would be easier to get rid of the boyfriend who doesn't respect your feelings rather than to quit eating. You know that not eating isn't going to help you.
Everyone has different ideas about porn and their SO's. What matters is how you feel about it and what is acceptable to you. If what your boyfriend is doing makes you uncomfortable or feel bad about yourself than you need to decide if your relationship is worth it.
The thing is that you could lose 30 lbs and look amazing and your boyfriend will probably still look at porn if that's what he wants. I realize that sounds a bit harsh, but in my experience (and I'm very old, so I have lots of experience ) your self esteem is more important than a relationship that makes you feel bad.
I've never met a man who didn't indulge in pornography once in a while. It's normal. And I'm sure your boyfriend knows that those porn stars are fake. Fake boobs. Airbrushed. Etc. I don't think it's a big deal if MY man watches porn, personally.
Your really not even fat. 167 lbs at 5'7"?. Not at all.
And of course you need to eat.
i had the same issue with my so. when we first became a couple he had MANY videos on his computer. it bothered me, but we were a new couple so i didn't feel like i had a right to say anything. as our relationship continued though, i knew that i could say something. my reasoning was that it mademe feel bad about myself. it had nothing to do with him or why he was doing it. it was all about me. i felt fat. i felt ugly. i felt bad about my body. it had nothing to do with our relationship or how we felt about each other. to this day i'm still not sure why he looks at porn, actually i'm not sure if he does anymore. if he does it's not to the extent it used to be. he knows it bothers me so he stopped (or slowed down or became better at hiding it). anyway, the point is, it caused a lot of fights and in hindsight, it wasn't a big deal. he wasn't going out and cheating on me, he loves me. i had to work around my body issues. he loves me and my body, even though i'm not in porn star condition! i think for a lot of men porn is a fantasy world. it's not something they want though, it's just fun to watch. as women i'm not convinced we will ever understand why men seem to gravitate towards porn! i'm sure this reply is a lot of rambling, my mind is in a million places today!
oh, dear. not good. he justifies his behavior because "every guy does it only for quick relief." patently untrue. he doesn't sound like he has much respect for your feelings - but the thing that REALLY sets my radar off is that he's using your response as an excuse not to tell you the truth.
Quote:
He also added that he feels he can't be honest with me in the future because of how I reacted. I feel ashamed of myself and nasty around him now.
what concerns me the most, though, is how you feel about yourself:
Quote:
I feel nasty and unattractive knowing he watches girls on the internet with perfect bodies.
it sounds like how you feel about yourself is dependent on what your boyfriend says and does. it also doesn't sound like you trust him very much. if you want to lose 30 lbs FOR YOURSELF, do it. (in a healthy non-starvation-type way!) i'm more worried about the fact that you want to lose weight so you can compete with airbrushed, pixalated fantasy women. you can't. you could be jenna whositwhatsit and it won't make you feel any more secure with your bf, nor will it change his behavior. the only thing that will do that is being with someone who respects you, and whom you can trust.
Location: Nebraska. I live in rural Nebraska. Moo.
Posts: 20
S/C/G: 167/162/145
Height: 5'7"
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvja
I've never met a man who didn't indulge in pornography once in a while. It's normal. And I'm sure your boyfriend knows that those porn stars are fake. Fake boobs. Airbrushed. Etc. I don't think it's a big deal if MY man watches porn, personally.
Your really not even fat. 167 lbs at 5'7"?. Not at all.
And of course you need to eat.
Thanks for all the responses.
I am 164 as of this morning. Is it true then, Luvja? All guys watch porn anyways and it doesn't matter.. Just accept he does and move on? I was really curious to see what everyone said about this. I guess I should just accept he does if it is normal and stop saying anything.
no! if it makes you really uncomfortable, and he doesn't care, then it's not about porn being normal. it's about a partner who isn't willing to take your feelings into consideration or talk about it like a grown-up. and no, all men get off in front of the computer.
just to be clear, i'm not anti-porn. i'm anti- disrespectful partners who use it as an escape and to avoid their SOs.
Last edited by kuhljeanie; 11-11-2008 at 09:41 AM.
Ummm...not ALL guys look at porn. Personally this would be a huge problem to me as well. I agree with the previous poster. Even if you lost 30 pounds, I would think he would still look at porn, it seems to be a habit that may not be easy to break. A friend of the family was dealing with these same issues and it ended up ending his marriage. He became totally addicted. What was odd was that they were veiwing porn together to steam up their love life, but then she didn't realize how much he begin viewing it on his own to please himself. That became a huge issue for her. I know some women don't think it's a big deal, but for me it would be a major deal breaker. I don't know how I could deal with our love making knowing he also watches another "perfect" woman on the screen screwing everything in sight. It's complicated I guess....good luck.......though lose the weight for yourself, you may end up losing him as extra baggage too!
There is no right or wrong answer to this question. It's all about your personal beliefs and thoughts.
I know for a fact a good percentage of males watch porn. Whether it be online, magazines, movies. etc.
Just like I don't have a problem with my man going to the strip club every once in a while. Doesn't bother me.
Almost the same thing.
While it is true that not all men look at porn, it does not make the ones who do abnormal in any way. It's like anything else--too much of anything is not good. If it is done to excess, or at the exclusion of a partner, then there is a problem.
And BTW, men typically do not watch porn because they think their partner is unattractive, or not enough for them sexually. The majority of men in my personal experience have just been plain horndogs! LOL
The bigger issue here is that he is not willing to take your feelings into consideration about this. Sounds like you've got some talking to do....
Location: Nebraska. I live in rural Nebraska. Moo.
Posts: 20
S/C/G: 167/162/145
Height: 5'7"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jen415
While it is true that not all men look at porn, it does not make the ones who do abnormal in any way. It's like anything else--too much of anything is not good. If it is done to excess, or at the exclusion of a partner, then there is a problem.
And BTW, men typically do not watch porn because they think their partner is unattractive, or not enough for them sexually. The majority of men in my personal experience have just been plain horndogs! LOL
The bigger issue here is that he is not willing to take your feelings into consideration about this. Sounds like you've got some talking to do....
And for goodness sake--EAT!!!!!
Ok..
So most men being horndogs is the norm.. Therefore, asking him to stop doing something that most men do is pretty much ridiculous since it is not fair to him when most men do it..
My dad, from my own experience, is a porn addict. My mom is 5'5" and 250 pounds, and he told me he watches porn because she got fat. This is why I believe my boyfriend is watching porn.. I just got too fat. Thing is, his dad is religious and does not have a dirty magazine anywhere in the house (my boyfriend said he looked everywhere up and down growing up - his dad was either an expert at hiding things or never had any porn.. And they don't have a computer, so..) When I askesd him why his dad doesn't do it, he said it was because his dad believes it is a major sin that offends God. My boyfriend is not that religious. He calls me a drama queen for being upset about this. I say I am hurt, he says, "Oh, you are always hurt by something."
Yeah, maybe he doesn't respect me much then. He is a totally nice guy in all other aspects, but he never cries or takes much stock into how others feel.
Still, the thought of food makes me cringe. I know you say to eat, but I don't feel deserving of that. I don't bug my bf about his smoking, chewing or drinking in excess.. (Though I used to - but I quit when he got upset that I was).. But I had hoped he could compromise with me on this one little thing..
Your dad is talking BS. People do what they do because they choose to. The rest is excuses.
If you already have an active sex life, then your boyfriend isn't watching porn because you're "too fat." That's just a silly thing to believe. He's watching it because he likes it. If you don't like being with someone who does that, then find someone else.
And stop thinking that if you just lost weight, the world would change...
Hi! First of all, I'm sorry that you're having this disagreement. It does seem like your self-esteem is not doing so well right now. It has been pointed out to me (a few times!) that guys (although girls watch porn too) like to watch it, not necessarily to see the "hot chicks" but to watch the actions and what the people are doing. Maybe if you think of it this way, and perhaps look into watching it WITH him before making your decision to dislike porn it might help!
I do think he should be respecting your wishes. Maybe if you were to try watching it with him (a few times) it might change the dynamic of it, from both of your points of view??
I do not, however, think that this link between your own self-worth and the fact that he likes to watch porn is necessary. You mentioned that you have a very active sex life... and I'm wondering- do you have a close relationship outside of the sex? Maybe it would help to rediscover eachother and learn to appreciate eachother in other ways outside of the bedroom (I'm not saying you haven't done this, just an idea if it's not already the case!!!). Maybe you DO need to re-think this relationship if it's eating at you that much!
Please don't resort to not eating to lose weight. Weight loss should be for YOURSELF, but when/if you do, it needs to be in a healthy way. Respect YOURSELF, girl!!! No one will respect you if you don't respect yourself. <3
Partner Watches Porn; Feeling Fat For It
) your self esteem is more important than a relationship that makes you feel bad.
