[RoyalAthena]

I need to get this out.

I have lost alot of weight and people have been giving me compliments and then recently I caught a reflection of myself in a glass door and I realized and I still FAT. I feel so gross. I finally see myself for what I truly am. It is mind blowing. I mean I am at the weight that some people START at. I dont feel very good about myself right now.

I can't stop eating. I am frustrated and stressed out with life right now. I am having issues at work, financial and dating ( I don't date. Nobody wants me!!!!) Anyway, I do not drink, I do not smoke and I do not have sex. I have no relief for my stress BUT food! I want food. I want to numb all the pain. I don't have anyone to talk to but my Grandma, my mom and you guys. I am at a loss. It is lunch time and I am trying to hold on. I called Grandma and she was like "eat what you want, you are going walking tonight". Um, I have been eating what I want for the last 3 days. Binging!! I cant continue to do this to myself. I just cant. I have restarted South Beach 4 times. I am trying to get over my sugar addiction. I do it for about 2 weeks, feel progress and then life throws something at me. Wham! Food here I come. Right now I am going to make a salad but I dont know what tonight will bring. Seriously, I have an addiction. I am shaking right now. The bank I work at is inside a grocery store. I can binge on whatever I want!! UGGGGGGHHHH!!!!

BTW: I have been so stressed out and etc that I have gained 26 pounds. I got 11 off. I need to lose about 15 to get back to my ticker I will never get as big as I was BUT I dont know if I will ever reach my goals!

Thanks for letting me get that out!

[Here we go again]

First of all, look how far you've come! It is truly amazing. To do what you've done requires strength, courage, and discipline. Although you're going through a tough spot right now, you cannot give up now. Don't listen to the lies that are going on in your head. So you looked at a mirror, it was probably one of those funny mirror ones.

You said that you had no outlet for your stress. Do you work out? That always helps me. As far as the comment about guys not wanting you, that is not true. There is a special guy out there for you that is going to want you for you not for what you look like. Don't get me wrong, I think that you are beautiful, you don't want someone that wants you JUST because you look good.

Hang in there, you can do this. Stop binging and maybe write out all of your feelings.

[Pandora123a]

Ann,

One of the side effects of our long term "fat" selves is that we incorporate that image. The posts on deelooshional (I have the spelling wrong) exactly talk about our very distorted body images.

Your picture looks fantastic. I suspect you look better than you feel right now. For me, I'm guessing I will always see myself as fat at times, no matter what weight I get to.

Hang in there. Maybe right now focus on just gettting back on track without worrying about losing, get back to maintaining.

You can do this...you already have!

[Beverlyjoy]

Hi RoyalAthena....I am sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time now. Ya know...sometimes I feel like I am still fat too. However....not for long...because I/we need to focus on our accomplishments!!!

The few things that are helpful to me when I am face with food insanity (that's what I call it for me) is meditation and writing down every thing I eat (planned or unplanned).

I have many cd's for relaxation, guided imagery, and weight loss. These cd's have absolutely changed my life. When you meditate or listen to these tapes and do deep breathing your body creates it's own endorphins and seratonin. These make you feel good, recharged and take the edge off of stress. They are so, so helpful to me.

When I am going nutty with food. I make myself plan a good healthy day. Write down what I eat - it's calories, fats, carbs and protein. For me, it makes me stop and think. Makes it real.

You are not ugly, my friend. I don't really know you ...but, I think you are a beautiful person.

I don't have all the answers. I am sending you a hug and telling you that this is a long journey. I love this quote:

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." - Margaret Thatcher

Try to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward the best way you can. We are here for you. I am so glad you posted.

[mezmerize]

I'm glad you wrote here all that is going on. I wish I was better with words. I'm happy that there are so many that have written and spoke for me. Just know we are here for you. Hugs

[Tai]

Ann, please don't get discouraged! You have done so well. I understand how hard this process is and what a strong pull food can be when we're stressed.

If that's you in your avatar, I think you're lovely! Sending you some positive thoughts for dealing with all your stress.

[beaka]

You have so much to be proud of yourself for. I'm new to the site, and I think you're an inspiration. You've been dedicated, and your hard work is paying off. Don't beat yourself up.

[UrsusMaritimus]

F*** the mirror. You are absolutely lovely.

I don't know what your journey has been like, but is it possible that South Beach isn't for you? I tried South Beach three times, and like you, I could only stick with it for a short period before I just HAD to have something sugary. Counting calories has worked a lot better for me.

In any case, hang in there! You've made such fantastic progress. Don't give up now!

[luvin2lose]

Royal Athena,

You are super cute !!! I agree with everyone else. Quit looking at the negative and start focusing on the positive. I am 255, down from 273 in just a month. I know I am still fat, but that keeps me moving towards my goal. One of my tricks to keep me from eating is chewing super minty gum. It makes food taste different for a while after I am done chewing.

[kaplods]

I really think it's important to seperate your value as a person from the weight. Tying words like "disgusting" to the word "fat" makes people feel "disgusting," even when they have only a little bit of weight to lose. I've heard women at healthy, beautiful weights call themselves "disgusting" because they want to lose a few pounds.

Many of us here will have goal weights that are other people's starting weights, there's nothing wrong or "disgusting" about that.

Looking at how far you have to go, can get very demotivating. I think it's like when they say not to "look down" while climbing a ladder, if you're afraid of heights. This is sort of like that in reverse.

I may never get to my goal weight, but I don't need to remind myself of that every day (if I did, I'd get discouraged and give up). Focusing on how far I've come, keeps me motivated to keep going.

I think it's important that we treat ourselves at least as well as we treat others, and at least as well as we want others to treat us. If someone told me I was disgusting, I'd smack them (well, I'd want to smack them, but I would call them a nasty name), so I shouldn't tell myself that either.

You've got to be your own best friend, and treat yourself like it.

Remember that weight loss is very difficult. If it were easy, it wouldn't be a multi-billion dollar industry. You've got to cut yourself a little slack for the struggling part.

I dare you to find a person who lost all the weight they need to - once - and never regain any of it. Weight loss perfection doesn't exist (at least I've never seen it). The back and forth is normal, and you'll learn as you go along, to minimize the yoyoing, but you may never eliminate it completely.

When I reach my goal weight, I'm sure I'll still struggle with my weight and have to continue to battle, though hopefully I can reduce the struggle to 10 lbs, not 100.

I've so often thought "when will this be over," this being the constant vigilance, and constant struggle with my weight, but I'm finally beginning to realize there is no "over." It just becomes part of my life, like brushing my teeth, and washing my face.

[Suzzyy]

Ann......Your smile is all anyone needs to see and it is beautiful !!!
Get out and get busy. Join a club, find an exercise class, join your church choir, ,volunteer. Keep yourself occupied and you won't have time to think of food. If you know you have to run out 3 nights a week to an exercise class you will not be filling up on food prior to exercising and then after the class one doesn't feel much like eating. Change your lifestyle to focus on you. You have done an amazing job so far. For gosh sake, you can motivate others in regard to weigh loss, sharing all your tips and recipes that successfully led you to lose over 100 pounds !
Start your own blog if you haven't already done so. I think a lot of people can learn from you!!
Suzy

[Ufi]

I sure sympathize with the not dating and feeling like nobody wants you. Wish I had something more than sympathy, but that's about all I've got right now. I just know that food doesn't make up for not having someone, so I pretty much just feel sad until I decide that isn't the only thing I want to do. Or until I hear some woman complain about her man, and I'm glad I don't have to put up with him.

But you said you don't talk to anyone? What do you do when you're not working? I've met friends through volunteering. What about hobbies? A class?

You've accomplished so much!

[Iconoclast at Large]

Ann,

I have read your posts before and I have always been really, really, really inspired by you. How crushing and unhappy you must be to feel so out of control right now.

I can't tell you anything about your diet because I'm just a beginner. But from all the posts I've read of yours, you seem to have so much strength that I know that you will overcome and not let this momentary out-of-control episode take over.

This binge doesn't define you. All of the strength and grace and wisdom that you've shown on this long journey is the real you.

Confidence.

Dyan

[RoyalAthena]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. Getting everything out in the open really did help. I have been feeling this way for awhile but I have no one to release it to. I am the "strong" one and it is hard to be strong sometimes. I relaxed and prayed- calmed down and ate my salad for lunch. I think I am going to make it through the night. I have to take this one day at a time!

Here we go again ~ I do work out but I havent been doing much lately. After the initial weight gain, I went into a mini depression. Anyway, I am going to start with working out 2-3 times a week until I get back to my 5 times a more (which I did and enjoyed).

Beverlyjoy ~ I did write my food in my journal. I am going to go back to journaling what I eat and now I am going to start writing how I feel too. I think that will relieve alot of my stress and etc.

Pandora ~ I am going to focus on getting back on track. I have been "maintaining" for months. Meaning going up and down. I am going to try not and overwhelm myself. I want to attain a realistic goal. 199 by Dec 31. Im at 225 now.

DisgruntledOne ~ I love to read! I need to find some good books to curl up with. I do have some before and after pics that I kept in my old journal, I am going to tranfer them to my new one to encourage me more. Any books you recommend??

Ursus ~ I lost the 100+ calorie counting. I just want to do the South Beach to kick the sugar addiction and then incorporate sugar again; hoping that I will not be so dependant on it so much. But I can already see that I can only stick with it for TWO WEEKS. I am def going to be a calorie counter for life. I want to do the South Beach to lead me into a whole foods diet and then go from there....

luvin2lose ~ Thanks!! Dentyne Cinnamon gum is my fav! Thanks for the reminder!

kaplods ~ You are so right. I need to treat my self better in that regards. Cut myself some slack. I admire everyone here for their weight lose effortd. I dont want any to think otherwise. I kinda feel ashamed about how I feel but I am trying to overcome the struggle. I guess I can find joy in the fact that I did not gain more then I did and I am noticing it now. Thanks for being making so much sense!

Suzzyy ~ Yeah, I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself and I get out. I havent been on a date in 10 years! Anyway, I will get out more. There are a lot of things I want to do and try. Blogging sounds like fun; I need to find out how to do it.

Ufi ~ I work alot but at my new job I feel like I really relate to the people I work with. I have actually befriended one of the ladies. I might do some things with her. Also, I am going to sign up for Spanish or sign language (eventually a sewing/craft class) and Tae Kwon Do when I get to my mini goal of 200. I won't do all of this stuff at one time but I want to accomplish them step by step.

Dyan~ Thanks for the kind words! I needed to hear that! I ate well today and I WILL eat well tomorrow. I have got to take control and responsibility for my eating. It aint over yet

Thanks everyone! I feel 110% better!! I now I am in the right place. Your support means alot to me. I feel like disappearing sometimes but I know if I come here you all will help me get through. Even when I just lurk and read through the posts they touch me personally and help me. I don't "know" you all but I have come to love ya! Thanks again

[SwimGirl]

Ann,

I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch.. you do need to realize this will pass, it hurts like heck right now. But you WILL get through this.

Financial stuff is hard to deal with, I can attest to that! Keep mindful of your goals, and find some good books to read! I started reading Suze Orman and she's helped change my financial life, and my personal life. What I've gotten from it is that women have issues with money because they don't feel they are worth it, which brings up issues of self worth - which is directly connected to weight loss. You are worth the time and energy it takes to eat right and exercise!! Do you feel worth it? Why or why not? I wrote all of this down, and I guess just getting it down on paper helped me with this issue. I haven't fully explored it, this weight loss stuff brings up SO much more! Shocks me constantly. But you are better from this, so keep going, this is no time to give up, you need to finish this journey and then the world is yours!!

I am the queen of dating, its embarrassing really. You say no one wants you, would you want yourself?? That is a big factor - that whole thought of no one can love you until you love yourself? It is partially true. You need to accept who you are, with the weight, or without it - because that person is still the same. Are you ready to start dating? It means opening yourself up, completely up, because you can't hide in a relationship.

I don't know if any of this helps.. I wish all the best for you!!

-Aimee