You're at your current weight for a reason. Being overweight must be working for you at some level. You need to identify this payoff and understand it in order to let go of it -- then you'll be able to move forward. List your payoffs and reflect on what they mean.
My reasons for being overweight:
1. 9 years of various sicknesses keeping me from exercise
2. Getting married, having DH do something REALLY not good, lose his job because of it, eating because of extreme stress/depression.
I can't think of one payoff right now for being overweight really, my family gets after me about my weight, my hubby found me unattractive, I was out of breath, I was sick, I was so many not good things. So was there a payoff to weighing 297 pounds? Did I in some twisted way enjoy the attention?? I don't think so...
I think the payoff for me is food! I reward myself with food, I comfort myself with food, I just like food! I know that one thing I REALLY need to work on is finding other sources of comfort when I am depressed. Either I eat things I shouldn't, or I spend money I don't have. Both are BAD.
Payoff #1 Being overweight is an excuse for not being pregnant - if I lose the weight I will have to deal with other fertility issues - which might be greatly helped by losing the weight.
Payoff # 2 Eating whatever I want allows me to socialize with others. I'm already working on this, and have found that my friends are my friends no matter what we're doing.
Payoff # 3 Being overweight is why I'm not 100% successful as a musician. If I lose the weight, I will have to address the real reasons I'm not 100% successful, like lack of dedication.
Payoff # 4 Being overweight is easier, as it requires no change whatsoever in my life. I've found that I have a great deal more energy since I've been exercising - but I'm afraid of finding something new to put that energy into. Oooooo, I think I'm on to something.....
Payoff # 5 Being overweight keeps me from trying new things and risking rejection.
Oh, that Dr. Phil......I'll have to ponder # 5 this week. I'll let you know what I come up with.
#1 I'm too fat to play at clubs - get my music out there.. attempt to perform. Payoff= No more risk of rejection.
#2 I don't want to deal with my emotions, so I stifle them with food or presents. Payoff = easy out from emotions.
#3 I know I will never look as good as ____ (DH, sister, etc) so why bother? Payoff = don't have to do the work. (I think I'm successfully dealing with this one.)
#4 I shouldn't get pregnant at this weight. I want a baby REALLY bad, but I'm afraid that something is going to happen to complicate things, and I won't be able to get pregnant, so staying fat avoids that dissappointment (right now my 2 of my closest friends have had or are in the midst of fertility issues..) I also don't want to get pregnant before my friend, so perhaps if I stay fat then I don't have to worry about that? (A&R- DON'T LET THIS MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY, I'm just trying to figure this out..), we also don't have the money to have a baby right now, so if I stay fat I don't have to think about it....
The thing that IS hard for me though is the fact that it seems EVERY SINGLE TIME I try to get started on working out, something happens to stop it. I was making it to the gym regularly, then the move happened, I stopped going, and then it was inconvenient. So I tried walking outside. My nose started bleeding all the time, and they said it was the humidity so I shouldn't exercise outside. Then I couldn't find a workout tape I could keep up with. Then I finally get the Richard Simmons tape and get a charley horse that pretty much debilitated me all night last night... but now its finally better. I just hope I can get past all these bodily high jinx and START WORKING OUT!!
hmmmm...Part of it is the fear that once it all comes off, it will (like so many times before!) not stay off. The whispers and the behind-the-back "I told you sos" are more than I can bear...it's just easier to stay fat.
Part of it is the fear of more attention from the opposite sex...I'm afraid it might drive a wedge between me and my hubby
Part of it is the knowledge that nothing will be "solved" by me being thinner...I will be healthier, but will I really be happier? All that work to find out that I'm still unhappy with certain aspects of my life? Easier to stay fat.
Wow, this is a toughie, but here are some of my initial thoughts...
~As long as I am fat, I can use that as an excuse not to try/do new things. For example, I rarely, rarely talk to people I do not know. Right now, I hide behind the fact that I am fat, & they won't like me/want to talk with me/etc. because I am fat. When I am not fat, what will I hide behind? I have no idea how I am going to handle this.
~It is so much easier to eat than it is to deal with whatever emotion I am feeling at that time. I'm just starting to deal with this.
~I've always been the "fat one": the fat wife, the fat daughter, the fat friend, the fat student, etc. What will I be if I am not fat? What will I be classified as? I'm dealing with this one a little bit at a time.
Those are only a few... I know I have other reasons why I am & have been overweight. I'm going to have to sit down and do some serious thinking about this...
My reasons for being overweight - being too lazy to cook and shop for healthy food, therefore eat junk - 3 years of working and going to college at the same time, stress and lack of time = fast food - eating out of boredom
I honestly can't think of a payoff. I read through the others and I don't identify with any of them. I'll keep thinking about it.
BTW to those of you thinking about being pregnant while being overweight...I was 211 when I got pregnant and though I didn't really have any serious medical problems being pregnant was extremely uncomfortable. I gained all my weight right out in front and my back was killing me most of the time. On the other hand though you don't want to get into the habit of thinking that you'll get pregnant when you have lost weight. I am positive that I am going to achieve my goals but I am realistic to realize that it might take a long while. If I waited til I was thin to have a baby I wouldn't have probably ever had one. Something to think about.
Oh boy, soul-searching time. I hope you folks don't mind me being really candid. It seems like it's that kind of thread, though.
I've been thinking a lot about why I'm fat (time to call a spade a %$&#!@ shovel). Here's the start:
1. I can overeat instead of facing my feelings or letting the important people in my life (DH, friends, etc.) know how I'm feeling. The payoff is that this makes me look tough, strong, competent, and in control. That's how most people think of me and how I like to think of myself, but deep down I have this feeling I'm a fake and people might find out.
2. I started menstruating when I was 8. By the time I was 13 or so, I was physically well developed and quite pretty, but I was also smart. Because I was smart boys my own age weren't interested in me (and maybe my mature figure intimidated them; I looked like a woman not a young girl), but men 20 years older sure were. When my English teacher hit on me in grade 10 (after the history teacher and the shop teacher in grade 9) all I could think was, "Oh no, not again."
This is a long-winded way of saying that as a fat woman I don't have to confront my sexuality. I can keep it well hidden. However, I'm sure that my marriage would benefit if it were less well hidden under all these extra pounds.
3. I can overeat when I'm bored. This way I can avoid doing things that I need to do but are not especially rewarding.
4. Overeating as a way of avoiding other activities also means I can't fail at those other activities because I don't even have to do them. That's safe.
5. Like Beth Anne, I eat to comfort and reward myself. I spend most of my day giving to my family and my job, and then there's nothing left for me. Of course, if I stop overeating and take responsibility for the time, resources, etc. to nurture myself, then I might have to ask others for consideration--and then I risk rejection.
That's all for tonight. But I'll ponder these things for a while. Maybe writing them here and going public with them will help.
Thanks so much for "listening" and sharing. It's a privilege to be part of this.
~it gives me an excuse to be lazy. People don't expect me to be able to do a lot of things because I'm so fat, so I go with it.
~I gives me a reason not to try new things.
~It makes my life choices easier to live with. I can't really elaborate on this, because I'm not exactly sure which choices I'm refering to. But in the long run, I know that this is a true statement.
This is really makes ya think.....
~It let's me eat whatever I want when I want, with out people saying "don't you think you've had enough". They figure I'm fat, so I always eat like a .
~I was fat when I got married and my DH doesn't have a problem with it. I am comforted by the fact that DH will not leave me over my weight. Now when I get thin, I'm not sure what will happen. Will I enjjoy the attention of other men? Will I have an urge to cheat? right now, I don't have to worry about those things, because, no one pays that much attention to me.
So I don`t have a lot of time but I think this is a very important thread. And hi everyone I have been on other threads not here. BTW I posted some really good articles in other forums if you do a search on my name you can find them. There is a very good Harvard page I posted in diet plans and futher down an interesting article from the Nytimes.
Anyhow after having lost the weight I wanted to, I can say that most of the other issues in my life still remain, ie social issues, dealing with the opposite sex, career issues, BUT I am a **** of a lot healthier, with more energy, and better able to deal with them. So I think from the side when I had all the weight I thought many of the things mentioned here, but they turned out not to be really that connected. Just think of it this way there isn't one good reason I can think of to be overweight but about a zillion nice things about not being overweight even if you still have to work hard to make your life what you want it to be, even when you don't have the weight.
Ciao from Valdivia, (look it up on the net if you want to :-)),
I have given this a great deal of thought and surprisingly I found many unexpected advantages of being a very large woman.
1~ I am safer in many ways. Sexuality, well sure but beyond that,I do not like conflict and while I will deal with it toe to toe so many conflicts are practically non existant due to my weight. Even big men are hesitant to go up against me, no matter how soft and loving I am. I am a daunting person visually. A large brown woman, with attitude! I say what I mean and mean what I say.
I have authority in voice, in personality and most certainly in size.
Few would guess how small my bones or or how fragile I really am especially physically.
2~ I am loved by so many for the person I am not my looks. I am taken advange of far less than I was before the large weight gain.
3~I don't have to deal with the powerful temtations sexually and no one tries to assult me, sexually.
4~ People do not ask as much of me. I find saying no hard but I don't show it. I do not have to be in this very uncomfortable situtation to often. I am free to give what I choose when I choose.
5~I do not have as many "expectations" from others to live up to, as a result those I care about are not disappointed in me. They are just happy that I am alive.
6~ From myself to me.... All my dreams are just that , the need to make them happen does not exist. I fail far less than most people as I do not have to try.
With all the physical problems I have dealt with and by a miracle of God have pulled through ,for the most part one would think the last would not apply to me but it does.
Pam
I honestly can't think of anything that just pops out.
Going back to when I starting gaining weight - which was 14 - I just quit downhill ski racing. I was 105 lb - and lean. I met my first husband (we dated for 6 years and got married when I was 20 - divorced by 23)
Why would I be lean and then start putting on weight? I gained it slow during high school. By the time I was married I was 150 lbs. By the time I got married the second time (age 29) I was 200 lbs.
I divorced my first husband because I needed time to myself. I was way too young to be married. I had no idea who I was. Then I became this fat person - this makes no sense?
I believe you get out of life what people expect of you. I strongly believe that. Why did my parent allow me / encourage me to quit racing? I know a lot of it had to do with schooling and money. I was at the point of moving to the next stage: which would have evolved more money and time (away from school) It's like they only expected me to go so far - they thought it was just fun - I always took it serious.
As I'm typing this it is beginning to make sense. I gained the weight and kept it on this long because that is what was expected of me (my family is all over weight - my weight is in the middle) They must of thought "we are all fat - why would one of us not be???" Is this fair to say.
As you can tell, I have a lot of issues with my Mother. Totally another topic
So...
What's in it for me?
I was living up to other's expectations. I wanted people to be proud.
What's different now?
I am living up to my expectations! I want to be proud of myself!!!
Dana
ps. BethAnne... are you going to charge me $50 I feel like I went to a shrink!!
Dr. Phil Challenge - Week 3 (7.19.2002)
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