[teawithsunshine]

***This entry is LONG and is probably best read first by women who’ve already gone through regular OBGYN check ups and whatnot***

Well, I went off the bend in a BIG way.

I’ll try to summarize everything so this entry is not so long here

In a nutshell, I had a lot of things happen to me over the course of nearly 2 weeks and massively overate because I didn’t know how else to deal with the stress and emotions of what I was experiencing.

Three weeks ago, I lost 101 lbs. The day after I lost 101 lbs, I started getting compliments from people at work since I had to buy new clothes in order to wear something. (The clothes definately revealed a slimmer me after a 8-9 month weight loss journey.) That began to freak me out since I have great problems with accepting compliments from people unless I feel comfortable telling them about it myself (i.e. 3fatchicks, close friends, etc). I put it aside and kept to my diet and whatnot.

Then several days after the 101 lb weight loss/compliment freak-out.... that following Monday, I had my first OBGYN exam.

Now for someone whose gone through 8 years of counseling (so I was at least more ready to start losing weight last spring/summer) for issues related to family abuse and sexual molestation experienced as a child— this was quite a difficult ordeal for me to experience.

A friend of mine took me out to a French café afterwards, and instead of getting a salad, I went for a protein meal—a vegetarian Quiche. Now, that set my sugar and taste buds off and had me craving for more food since it was like empty calories. So later that evening was my first binge since I was hungry.

But because I was pretty traumatized (though I didn’t realize it at the time) from the OBGYN exam, I kept overeating junk food.

I have severe iron-deficient Anima and a low thyroid. Throw into that some weight stalls lately, an active job that keeps me on my feet all day, and I’m waiting on a part for my new treadmill to arrive so I can begin working out in earnest and focus on losing weight more steadily again—I’ve been resting more at home in the evenings lately than being active/working out. (The inactive state instead of doing aerobics is of course what’s helping me gain weight in the last 2 weeks).

My OBGYN also made an appointment for me to get an ultrasound the following Monday to find out why I have heavy monthly periods (though no spotting or anything else out of the ordinary during the month).

So once again, the following Monday (read: several days ago), I had another appointment almost the same to the initial OBGYN appointment in which there was an ultrasound and yet another invasive internal exam.

The day after that, I experienced some minor BS but stressful problems at work (meaning they were minor enough that over the course of a few days leading into next week, it will resolve itself). But it was still stressful that day I experienced it anyway.

I got the results of the ultrasound back 2 days ago and I have to have surgery to remove a polyp (I don’t know if I’m spelling it right), that is in part causing my heavy monthly periods.

Which brings me to my last “sledgehammer” moment. A few years after my molestation at age of 6, I began puberty and developed excess labia skin around the v-area. So between being a sexual abuse survivor, surviving emotional abuse where parents see you as 20 pounds overweight and telling you you’re not good enough as you are (I still got those kinds of comments even into my late 20s here from my parents), and also having the excess labia—it pretty much shot down my self-esteem and brought on quite a bit of depression. (Which I have been dealing with in over 8 years of therapy to date.) It's one thing to deal with the feelings about the sad experiences of abuse over time in therapy, grieve, and then learn how to live life as a different person, but its entirely another issue to actually experience a OBGYN exam, sheesh.

Now—when I got the news of my necessary polyp surgery (for sometime next month, I don’t know yet), my OBGYN doctor is also looking into ways to cut down on expenses to do 2 surgeries at once: the polypop and also labia skin removal. If she can find a way to do it after speaking with insurance, then it’ll cost me less and I can have both done.

The point I was making with that is it left me in shock, thinking wow for once I could have this done and no longer feel sexually like a non-person, a freak if you will. I could actually start feeling like a woman instead of numb all the damn time (regarding female anatomy). I’ve felt like a sexual freak for years and have never attempted in part to date guys based on the excess labia, believe it or not.

Basically all of this occurred in slightly under the last 2 weeks and it’s left me feeling overwhelmed to the max. Because life doesn’t pause while you need some time to sit down and breathe, the only thing I could do is just eat. And I ate junk food all the time, every day.

I finally got on the scale this morning, and even though my weight fluctuated, it’s clear I’ve gained about 13-15 pounds. I’m also mindful of the fact that I’m due for my period in a couple of days as well.

Do I wince a bit about my weight gain? Not really. It was an extremely, really bad, stressful time for me (the first since I started losing weight last May) and I needed an outlet to help me cope with the crap I was dealing with on a daily/hour basis.

I actually did smile a bit today after learning how much weight I gained. I think it’s because finally I know how much I gained, I was finally ready to stop this crap of constantly overeating as a means to cope with a lotta feelings. I also think I smiled a bit because now I know I can get back to 192 pounds again since I already reached it 2 weeks ago.

The only good thing about this ordeal is I found out I can now tolerate dairy products (and eggs) again. After my gallbladder surgery last summer, I went on a total vegan diet since my stomach couldn't handle eating high-fat dairy/meat after surgery. So, it will be really nice to be able to expand my diet and have some more recipes available to me in cooking foods on my way back to losing weight again.

I’ll hate the sugar/refined white starchy carb detox I know I’ll have to experience over the next few weeks in order to get back into shape, lol. But I’m doing something different, which is thinking up of new snacks (i.e. boiled egg whites and some olives) to have as small amounts/portions at work. I’m also thinking up of new short exercises I can do at home in the evenings until I get my new treadmill finally assembled—like 10 minute weight/dumbbell sessions, some walking outside, etc.

I don’t know if anyone else has had a crappy time and blew it for a while on their diets. I know I did and now I’m beginning to plan to get back on track.

I guess I'd like to ask for help and advice from others on how they deal with when they go off track from their eating/weight loss plans and how they get back on "the saddle' so to say.

Thanks for listening

[whitlockdj]

Well life will defenitely throw curve balls some more harder and faster than others. Just know that you are not the only one in the race. I can relate to you on many of the things you've experience (i.e. low self-esteem, not being accepted as you are by family childhood issues) at least you are strong enough to LOSE over 101 lbs despite this minor set back. Give yourself the benifit of the doubt and don't be so hard on yourself. Its hard to stay on top of things like you were doing when things come at you so quick like they have been. Just do whats necessary to get where you desire to be. Its ok to feel down, but don't dwell on it. I'd like to think that once your treadmill part comes back you will be motivated, and I hope that everything works out with surgery and you have a speedy recovery. In the mean time I am here for your support. I am new here also. I liked reading your post! We all are here for you! Keep your faith!!!!

[tinygrammy]

teawithsunshine, all of the setbacks, bumps in the road, obstacles in your path or whatever we all choose to call them, just help to show how strong you really are. You've come a long way and so obviously have handled other troubles well in the past year. I think the main problem is that you got thrown a few to many troubles all at once. That can be unsettling to anyone. whitlockdj was right, you need to keep the faith. You ARE a survivor and you WILL be O.K. Congratulations on how far you've come. We are all here for you. I'll be praying your surgery goes well and that you'll bounce right back again. Jackie

[bargoo]

Well, gee. I have fallen off my diet for a lot less of the problems you have had. It happens ,don't beat yourself up over it. To lose 101 pounds is amazing. If you can do that, you can lose the 13-15 pounds gain.Get back on plan and see those pounds disappear.

[Heather]

I haven't experienced quite that level of bump in the road, but I have experienced some stressful times that throw me off track and have me gaining back some weight I lost. In fact, I'm in the middle of one of those times now. I'm trying to put the brakes on a five pound gain so it doesn't turn into 10, 15 etc.

I need to remind myself that I am the NEW Heather, and while she has had setback and eats poorly and exercises less for a while, this is just a temporary setback, caused by some specific stressors. The old Heather who ate her way through everything and never moved is not welcome here anymore.

Then, going back to basics helps. A lot. I am packing my food every day and thinking through my days BEFORE they happen. Writing down everything I eat. Scheduling my gym time in my calendar.

But I'm having some setbacks. I sometimes find that even with the basics in place, I cave sometimes. The stressors aren't gone, that's for sure. I'm not perfectly on plan. But I celebrate EVERY victory and try not to beat myself up when I eat something extra.

This is for life. And life does throw curves. And I have to learn how to deal with them. I'm probably never going to be perfect, but I can learn to stem the tide....

And posting here helps too!!!

[zenor77]

I just want to tell you that YOU ARE NOT A FREAK! You are uniquely you just like the rest of us are unique ourselves. I don't feel "extra skin" is all that unusual, my best friend actually says this is the case for her in that area too. I don't believe anyone has ever suggested that she get surgery for it either. I don't think that there is a standard for what your labia should or should not look like. I don't think there should be.

That being said (sorry I had to go there) I think you need lots of hugs!!!

This is a lot to go through and I think it's great that you are able to voice your frustration on this site! Life happens and we deal with it as it comes. It sounds like you are dealing with it pretty well. We all have "potholes in the road" that we have to deal with and a lot of us gain back some from time to time. You are doing the right thing jumping back in and continuing with the weight loss. You can do it! I have faith in you!

OBGYN visits are never fun. I can tell you from experience though that some doctors are a lot better then others. Perhaps your therapist would have some insight as to how to find a doctor better suited to you? I think it is awfully brave of you to go to the doctor after what you've been through! It's very important to have regular check ups.

I believe you can and will get through this!

[Jasmine31]

teawithsunshine

I just wanted to come in and give you a hug and tell you it is OKAY. You have been through alot. You have lost ALOT of weight and have come along way. I hit 203 at the beginning of February last year and was so proud of myself til I got dragged back thru the ringer of court by my ex. I was so upset, my walking dropped, my eating went haywire. By the time I stepped on the scale in April I was 220!

But you always have choices in life. I told myself I would have to deal with him whether I was 200, 220, or 280 again. My choice was to STOP what I was doing and start losing again.

I am sure 5 pounds of that is probably water weight. Don't freak out. Just get back on plan!

[Elanajel]

It can be so traumatizing for sexual abuse survivors to have a GYN exam. Give yourself credit for making it through that.

I think your post shows you have a lot of insight about why you handled the food/eating the way you did, and what you plan to do now that you are in a better position to handle it.

You are doing really well with a very heavy load. Take it easy on yourself.