I'm really not sure how much sense this will make.. I'm just kind of letting letters spill out of my hands, letting come what may. Usually this only happens in my journals, but tonight I feel the need to share it.

November, 2005 - I had gone from 210 to 186, and I was feeling pretty damn good. Heck, I reached my goal weight way ahead of schedule! I was on top of the world... until I just stopped caring. I had classes that I was determined to do well in, to keep my 3.7 gpa and my Phi Theta Kappa status. I had NaNoWriMo, a challenge I had heard of from a friend, in which you have 30 days to write a 50,000 word novel. And I just didn't care. I thought I had done so well.. I mean, I was almost in a size 12! I was going to be super hot, and able to surprise my boyfriend (who was on deployment until March). I didn't need 3FC. I didn't have the time or the money for Curves. And I could continue on my own.. I just needed the jump start, right?

Now here I am, almost a full year later. It's starting again.. my weigh in said 200 this morning, if it reads the same tomorrow I'll update my ticker. I think you all can understand why I don't want to put it just yet, it feels like a failure. I wasn't even going to exercise today... it was hard to make myself do it, since I hadn't the last 3 days. Maybe I'm just bored with this dvd.. my new one better come soon. I'm not even feeling good about my weight, like I was last year. Slightly optimistic, but that's fast fading. I just don't care right now, and I know that's bad. I mean.. the boards couldn't even inspire me today. It was all sheer willpower.

This entire week I've been doing little binges... maybe that's what made me gain back a lb. The disappointment I feel when I do it,

I don't want to give up. I don't want to be swimming in this fat, feeling out of control. I don't want to fall into disease, with family histories of diabetis and heart problems on both sides. I have $180 saved up for my shopping trip.. i want to keep that a priority, I want my friend to come down here and have a spree the likes I have never dreamed of before, and will most likely never have again.

I'm terrified of disappearing, and giving up. I don't want to be a statistic, I've always prided myself on being above the ordinary. I want to prove myself better now, to all the kids who tortured me all my life about my weight problem. And I'm scared I'll start making excuses to not come here, to not exercise (already starting that!), to let myself have a "snack food" that aren't the 100 calorie packs.

The amount lost is about the same, the time frame is about right. But it has to be different. I have to be different. I refuse to be a failure again.. and yet I'm terrified I will be.

If you've made it this far and understood, thank you. This was sounding so angry when I was writing in my head.. I hope it didn't come out that way. I'm not even sure if I'm asking for advice, opinions, or what.. I just had to get it out.

!Fae

your post did not come across angry at all - i completely empathise with alot of what you have said. i have put on 2kg in the past month and i needed a realisation.

all i can say is that our mistakes are what make us who we are today. i intend on taking my past mistakes with weight loss and using it to my advantage. i had a break through last night and am pleased today that i stuck to my guns and didn't fall back into past mistakes and am even closer to my goal because of it.

keep persevering. make yourself a priority and you will succeed. how much do you want to succeed? with all due respect, you are only cheating yourself if you are doing this for the wrong reasons and therefore not wanting to really succeed.

i know its comfortable to fall back into binges and not exercising - its a great way to pass the time but not a way to live life. you decide which you want.

we will not let you fail.

First off, Fae,
I know what you're going through. The first time we lose weight it seems so much easier, doesn't it? The novelty of it and the ease with which we tend to let go of old habits and old fat is encouragment enough to stick with it. Then you reach that point where something just stops clicking (months or years later), and the weight comes back.

And here you are again -- as are a lot of us -- trying again. And that's awesome. It's not as easy this time, especially since you're still seeing weights you've seen before. The novelty of uncharted territory isn't here to keep us motivated. We forgot that this is just plain hard.

And I don't know what to tell you, really, especially since I'm just on the other side of a two-week long really bleak, hopeless, binge-heavy period in my own little journey. All I know is that I'm taking it day by day right now. I'm not focusing on the big picture. I've put on quite a few pounds from my digression, and for the moment I'm just making sure I stay where I am for a week or so.... if I lose that's even better but it's too much for me to focus on losing. Every day that goes by in which I only make *one* bad decision instead of 20, I feel great. It's hard to pull yourself out of a funk.... and until I know that I'm fully clear of this haze, I can't try to lose weight. How can I try to change myself physically when my mental state is all messed up?

You KNOW what you want. You have goals, and they are realistic. There's just a certain point where your determination to reach those goals has to be bigger than anything else. And I really do think that's a mental battle we have to win before we can make any progress -- how are we supposed to lose weight if we're not fully convinced it's what we want? There are HUGE mental consequences to this journey.... so I'm discovering....

But good luck, Fae. We're here for you. We're all in this together, and we don't expect anything from you, nor will we judge you whether you gain or lose. You're awesome, and I know you can do it

Secondly --
Daisy, you are SO right with that. Thank you for posting that... it makes an incredible amount of sense. It really struck something with me. You're my new Confucius

Daisy - No worries about the "right reasons"... although I want to look amazing, I'm also concerned about the weight-related health issues that run in my family (especially diabetis, as mentioned earlier), as well as the fact that weight loss would reduce the massive back pain I have.

Brit - *hugs* Thank you.

I'm feeling better today. Not so pessimistic, I guess. I'm not saying those feelings are gone.. just that I'm in better control of them. It really is a mental battle.. never really realised that before.

Thanks, guys.

Fae: It really is a mental battle. My mom has lost over 70lbs in the past two years. People always ask her how she does it because she still eats alot of the same things. She says is a mind set. Tell yourself you are not hungry so why are you eating. She says she has to be be hungry to eat and that is in your mind.

Fae!! Big Hugs to you!!

Just look at everytime you have a set back its an learning oppurtunity!!! I know that sounds silly but if you backslide its time to look back and think about what happened.. what caused it! That gives you one more tool to fight the fat!!! Next time when you see the trigger or see the pattern begin again you will be prepared to press on through!!

But at the end of the day we are all human! We make mistakes and we have to give in sometimes! So give yourself a hug!! I know you can do it!!
I also think you should leave your ticker the same! I know that pound will just melt right off soon!

Fae- You are a strong person and if you did it once you can do it again. You already know what worked and what didn't work. Remember that everyone does make mistakes, just like slimming down said. Stick with it!!!

Hi FaeReverie...
This post sounds like a lot of things I've thought before... a lot of the stuff I used to write in my journal. It seems like you're fighting really hard. I don't know how to explain this, but it doesn't have to be such a fight, do you know what I mean? My attitude has changed a lot since I started this journey. I know what I want in the long run and I just try to make the best decision I can at any moment. It doesn't have to be this big, dramatic, tortuous process. You say you're afraid of all these things you might do, and I used to feel that way too. But you don't need to be afraid of yourself. You don't have this devil side waiting to tear your hard work down, it's just in your mind. You'll be fine, really, you will. Keep making the best decisions you can and they will add up. Be on your own side, don't fight yourself. I don't know if that's helpful at all because maybe it's a process you have to go through just like I did. But if I can save you any of that time that I spent agonizing then that is great. Really, you will be fine!!