[MadamePJ]

You know someone is attracted to you, maybe even ... asked you out ...but ... because you just didn't possess that high level of confidence with your current weight ... you turned him down .... For so long I never understood what a man would want from a fat girl like me besides sex, or money ... or maybe a cool personality (but not my body) so I steered clear of any form of a relationship- and I do my best to avoid men who have interest in me. But recently... (Story for those who like to read ALOT below ... )

Sunday night ... there was a guy (security in my office building) who says Hi everyday I pass ... being polite ... I reciprocate ... but walk swiftly by him ... until I locked the safe to my department before the door was shut... So I go down ... and of course ... on a day and time that I NEVER work 9pm he's on guard. I walked in the door ... he literally jerked out of his chair ... (I'd like to think because ... he was happy to see me ... but I think I caught him in a moment of an "on duty" nap) .. but I told him the situation, he stared in my eyes the entire time ... handsome man ... made me nervous ... he made a few calls to our corp. off. ... still staring the entire time ... He couldn't find the access code to the safe ... I gave him my ext. told him to call if he came up with something, and I'd go upstairs to call my Spvrs to see if they knew ... He smiled ... I called down and told him the situation was handled and thanked him for his help ... I cut him off ... said good night ... I come down the elevator (building practically empty ... he knew what floor I was on ... and there is surveillance in the elevators) ... I step out ... and who comes out of the security office???? ... uggggggggggggggggggggh ... I get on my cell phone (not talking to anyone) so he won't speak to me ... that didn't work ... he asked if he could walk me out ... I say ... "I'm fine thank you" ... He says "It's dark out there ... I insist" ... So we are walking ... and he starts the small talk ... get to my car ... he's still talking ... I'm sitting in the car ... he's still talking ... then asks me if I work again next Sunday .. I said not likely I work during the weekday ... I cut him off again ... told him to have a nice night ... he gave up ... ... then, I went home feeling like such an idiot ... He was so sexy ... he even had a job ...

I just don't want anyone to like me while I'm fat ... anyone ever felt this way ... my case is extreme - I don't even date ... but any similarities?

[lauren2pink]

Well, my case is a little different since I am married, but I certainly find myself not wanting to be "romantic" as much. I used to have a huge lingerie collection, etc. Now that I've gained so much weight, it's hard to feel attractive - no matter what someone says or does. Even though I know my DH didn't marry me because I was thin or pretty, when I'm feeling so badly about myself, it is hard to believe that ANYONE could be attracted to me - even the person I know loves me for who I am. I can only imagine that this mus be much harder in the dating world.

My only advice for all of us would be to stick with it and try to do what we can to feel good about ourselves - as that is the only way I know to overcome this.

[cardsfan2009]

Please honey! i have a hard time finding anyone interested at all, which frustrates me to NO end..Or i know someone who is interested but I couldnt detest them more.. lol But I guess I can kind of understand where you're coming from. With me, anyway, although i really want a boyfriend, sometimes, since its my policy to always start as friends, i feel like any of the guys im interested in, they deserve better. I know thats not true, but still, i cant help feeling that way. I have a LOT of guy friends, but no boyfriend. I've had...2 in my life. Its just getting really old, being ignored. I think most of it is because i am so shy, not a lot of guys get to know me really well.

[thistoo]

I know exactly how you feel. I stopped dating ages ago and whenever someone even shows the slightest romantic interest in my I nearly have a panic attack. I just have no idea what to do with that kind of attention when I'm not comfortable with my body. (I have no idea how I'll feel after I lose weight, but I'm willing to find out!)

I don't have any advice for you on how to deal with it, but I can sympathize. It sucks because here's this guy who might be great, but you're just not ready for him. It's worth it in the long run, though, to let this one get away, if you're not ready for that kind of relationship. You need to focus on you and feeling better about yourself right now.

[illinichick]

AH! I know exactly what you mean!!! My friend keeps telling me about this terrific guy that I need to meet, everything she tells me about him sounds like he would be perfect... but I keep putting off meeting him because of my size... I'm sick of it! I know my feelings won't change, but I hate feeling like I have to put my life on hold until I'm (at least a little bit) thinner... ugh!

[bida]

I fell that way too somehow - like I am trying to put my life on hold until I feel comfortable with my size - in the romantic sense. Because why would anyone that I like - like me - when I don't like my body? There must be something wrong with him - and he is not up to my standards of approval. or something like that. I don't know. I know it sucks.

I hate being looked over too sometimes - because of silly body image issues.
eg last night I went to one BBQ and feel I was totally ignored by a bunch of lawyers - maybe not ignored, maybe they were too afraid to talk to me and i was with my cute little fashionably awful (shh!) asian friend - maybe she is just more sociable - but I lost interest quicklyl because I felt intimidated - they weren't really who I was looking for anyway - but alas. It kinda sucked.

anyway just saying I know what you are talking about - but I also know I have been single long enough and even though I do, I don't wanna put my emotional potential for a connection away any longer - but its hard not to do. Urg!

[Megan33]

Madame PJ you are a total babe!! Look at that smile! I'm in a SUPER long relationship now, but I know how you feel. I used to feel (and sometimes still do) that I'm not worthy of love just because I'm heavy (an understatement!!)
Excuse the vulgarity, but some men want more than a thin kitty they can f**k. Some men don't care about the weight and just want a beautiful smile and personality.
Maybe this guy doesn't need to be a boyfriend, but just a friend...for now

If this guy was sexy, like you said, you should suck it up and flirt with him!!
Or at least not cut him off when you speak with him.

P.S. You're going to have to realize that even though you are heavy, you are still HOT HOT HOT!!!

-Megan

[shrinkingchica]

Originally Posted by bida

I fell that way too somehow - like I am trying to put my life on hold until I feel comfortable with my size - in the romantic sense. Because why would anyone that I like - like me - when I don't like my body? There must be something wrong with him - and he is not up to my standards of approval. or something like that.

This is how I feel about the situation. Also, if I am not happy or comfortable with my body, how would I be able to handle somebody who was okay with it. I dunno, it is difficult to explain. But, in my case it might just be ME who has the problem with my body and not anyone else.

[Homersmummy]

Originally Posted by MadamePJ

I just don't want anyone to like me while I'm fat ... anyone ever felt this way ... my case is extreme - I don't even date ... but any similarities?

That's me down to a t.
I don't like my body, I wouldn't wish this on anyone!

I'm 29, i've never had a boyfriend/girlfriend/other.
I'm not ugly, well not overly ugly! But, i've always been big.

I've never even had an offer.

When you say this to a skinny, like I did today. The response is always, "Loads of men don't like women my size, prefer meat on their bones" Oh yeah? Then... *points at self* plenty of meat here, but no-one offering!

[teahoney]

Girl, I know just what you mean. A few months back, for some ungodly reason, I called a guy friend of mine that I hadn't seen or spoken to in years. The last he saw me I was about 80 pounds or so lighter. So anyway, we start talking on a regular basis and here I am thinking it's all friendly and he starts making it into something romantic. We don't live far from eachother at all but I made up every excuse in the book for us not to meet up to see eachother. Thankfully he is going through some life stuff right now so we decided to chill on things but I have totally and completely stood clear of any semblance of a relationship for over two years. So I know what you mean.

But I have told myself that I have to get myself together. I have to learn to love me as the person I am right now, in this body before I could ever think anyone else would. So I'm working on some serious self love.

[Pachyderm]

I know what you mean too. I keep putting off any men that seem interested, but for me there are more reasons than my weight.

While you have to feel happy with yourself and learn to love yourself, you cannot put life on hold until you feel that you are perfect, because I don't think in your eyes you ever will be. You will always be your own harshest critic and you will always find something about you that you don't like, something that (in your eyes) makes you not quite perfect, even if you are thinner. I really don't want it to sound like I'm trying to insult you, or put a downer on your weight-loss efforts, as I said, I am very similar to you. I know it is much easier to say things than it is to do things, but I think that it is time to stop putting your life on hold. You are a beautiful girl with a beautiful smile, why shouldn't this guy like you? Let yourself have a bit of fun, even if nothing happens beyond that, you can at least enjoy yourself and have a flirt! You never know, but the confidence boost of a new relationship (friend/flirt-buddy/boyfriend) may give you the boost you need to drop those extra pounds.

Anyway, I hope I haven't offended you, and I hope that I can listen to my own advice!

[Stephanie Osborne]

I think you should go for it. I know we all have these same issues though. I try not to see people from high school even the ones I was really good friends with because I don't want them to see what I have done with myself.

[sotypical]

Oh Madame you are ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS no wonder this guyjumps out of his chair when he sees you! Give him a chance, or give someone a chance! You will make someone very happy!!!

I guess for me, I am the oppisit. I have a boyfriend of almost two years whom I love very much. He loves me even tho I am fat and that means a lot to me because I knows he loves me for me and not for my nice body. When I get down to my goal weight I know I will get a lot more looks from people who never looked my way (I think I am pretty, and I have been told by guys before that if I lost some weight I would be batting them off with a stick). But those ARE NOT the kind of guys I want, I want someone who loves me for me, not what I look like or what I can look like. Just plain old me

[exquisitern]

I know I'm not 20 something, but I just had to post. Madame, you are a beautiful lady. We all feel uncomfortable about our bodies, even when you are smaller, you will find something that is not to your liking. Don't let life slip by because you are waiting to get smaller or whatever. Seize life as it happens. If this guy like you for you, then I say flirt back and go for it, if it makes you happy. Don't wait to be happy, because if you wait, you may never be happy.
And sotypical, you are not plain, you are gorgeous!
Keep up the good work, and may blessings come to you ten-fold.

[sotypical]

exquisitern - thanks! I happened to notice we have similar goals!