ahh, the grass is always greener ;)

I really enjoyed living alone. I had a boyfriend (the one I live with now), but he was about an hour-and-a-half away, so we only saw each other on weekends. I think a year alone was just enough for me to know that if I ever had to do it again, I could. I was lonely sometimes, but not very often. I started a second part-time job at a restaurant (Ruby Tuesday), so I had a LOT of interaction with fun people my age there, and it was just enough for me to still feel like part of a group, even though I never went out with them after work (since I got up at 4:30am to go to my full-time job). By the end of the day, I was SO exhausted that I loved to just come home, peel my clothes off and toss them anywhere (living room, office, kitchen...), take a shower, and collapse in bed. No one asked me any questions, no one asked me to do anything, and I didn't have to make an effort to make anyone feel appreciated or at least not ignored.

So yeah, I've seen both sides :) They both have their ups and downs, but it is human nature to focus on the down more often at times.

I too can totally relate. My BF doesn’t want to do anything without me. In some ways it is romantic, and in other ways it is stifling. I guess part of it for us is the environment we grew up in. His parents are inseparable, while mine have their own things going on. At first I thought it was cool to always do things together, but frankly I just don’t care that much about some of the things that he really likes (such as car shows) and he is not all that excited about some of the things that I enjoy (used bookstores and art museums to name two). I am still working out how to separate things a bit without hurting his feelings, because from his perspective if you don’t spend all your time together that signals something is wrong (again, I think this is from how he grew up). Whereas I would be totally cool with more time either alone or doing things separately with friends.

You guys are all so right on, I guess I'm not alone!

And thank you for all the ideas.

So today I think I figured out what I need to do. Kind of. It was my husband's first practice for his jetski races. He was meeting all these new people, hanging out, having a blast. Meanwhile I'm sitting in the truck. By myself. Reading. So what makes it so easy for him? Common interest. I think I need to join a club, or activity, or whatever. Just don't know what. Any suggestions?

To answer some of the questions...

I'm not working OR going to school this semester. I took it off because we were thinking about moving and I didn't want to start and pay for a semester I couldn't finish. I'd like to look for a job, but in a couple weeks I'm leaving for 10 days (not much vacation there tough, as I mentioned when I visit alone I get to be carted back and forth for the duation). Maybe when I get back I'll look for a temp job so I can go back to school next semester. I do belong to a gym which I go to by myself during the day but I've never managed to actually talk to anyone while there. Stupid ipods...

Jill, I totally agree about the grass is always greener! I know I'm complaining about this but if he was always off by himself I'd be complaining about that too!

I love my husband. But yes, sometimes I definitely wish I lived alone again. We met a year ago next month, moved in together in August, and got married in November. That's not a whole lot of time to figure out each other's habits and expectations, so it can be very hard sometimes.

My husband has friends here. I do not. But, he refuses to go see his friends without me there, because, much like your husband, he hates to do anything without me. It drives me insane because I really don't get along with some of his friends, and sometimes I'd rather just stay home - ALONE!

I've found that I don't have many hobbies, which contributes to the problem. My hobbies have always been 'home' hobbies - reading, crocheting, writing, etc. So now I'm working on finding something I enjoy doing that takes me OUT of the house.

And, as far as the cleaning/cooking/etc goes - my husband sucks. Love him to death, but it'd probably kill him to pick up his dirty laundry that he scatters when he comes home from work. And cooking? Forget it. I won't let him, because he deeply believes in the '5 second rule' and other various health hazards that I just can't handle. I literally have to tell him to pick up stuff, take out the trash, whatever it happens to be because that's how he was raised. In his family, his mother did all the work and the boys did whatever they wanted to do. We're now working on a chore list so that I don't feel like I'm always nagging him, and he knows what needs to be done and can just do it.

And, since you mentioned the hurtful comments, I know how you feel about that too. My husband has no tact sometimes. He doesn't mean to be hurtful, but there are days when the only things he says are negative. Sometimes, I really want to just kick him in the head (just kidding, of course.. I'd never hurt him).

I feel for ya.. I really do. But, I choose to believe it will get better. Anyhow, if you ever need someone to talk to about it, feel free to PM me!

I think it's an honest emotion to want alone time. I'm the second of 5 kids and have never lived on my own. I'm an extremely independent person. I'm 28 and just recently got married to someone who sounds similiar to your husband. I moved to Texas a few years ago and moved in with family and went from their house into living with my husband. My husband genuinely wants me around him. Even if its a group of 15 guys. He's a control freak in his own right but not when it comes to controlling me. I'm not going to tell you that you should move out for a while or give him the "it's not you, it's me" line because that's one of the most painful things a person can hear from someone they love. I was pretty much in your situation at your age. My marriage was "commonlaw" at that time. I will tell you that you should take some small steps. My husband and I have a joint checking/savings account as well as individual accounts. A percentage goes into the joint checking for bills, some for the savings and then we have the rest in our own accounts. That way if there is something we want, there's no permission needed because everything else is covered. When he invites you to go do things with his friends, go once every so often so that he still feels like you're doing something together that he enjoys but you can have your alone time too. The friends that I have are mainly the wives of his friends so I don't tend to call people up when I'm bored. I honestly enjoy picking up food and having a quiet night in by myself. Do you have kids? That makes a huge difference. Just remember that marriage is about consideration and not permission. Put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself how you would want him to handle the way you're feeling. Every person is different so don't beat yourself up over not living on your own before you got married. What's done is done. I pondered it before I got married but then I had my husband's friends' wives asking me how they could make their husband more like mine. It was an eye opener. I didn't see the forrest for the trees. A lot of women would give their right arm to have their husband want to have them around. I told my dad a couple of years ago that I wasn't sure if I should get married before really ever being on my own and his response was "don't bite your nose off to spite your face".

stacy - You do lose a lot of independance when you get married, although it does not have to be that way. I think you also have a case of the grass is greener on the other side single envy. You know what will cure that...a trip downtown to your local bar scene. SO much of our life is spent trying to find the one...how awesome that you have. You get to focus on other things in your life instead of worrying all the time about finding a man.

I have a hard time telling my husband when things are bothering me. If he is asking you too many questions, nagging you too much, or just generally making you do everything you need to have a talk with him. Men cannot read minds, although I sure wish they could.

My husband and I have been living together for a while, even before we were married. I sometimes feel like he is helpless and I have to do everything around the house. I am still trying to deal with this attitude. Its hard living for two...but I think if you really thought about it living alone might be just as hard. Most of the pressures life hands married people are the same, bills, work etc...at least now that you are married you have another individual who loves you and has to go through it all as well.

Volunteer!! Think of something that you might be interested in. Animals? Children? Finding a cure for breast cancer? Etc Etc.
I am a full time student and I work full time but I still find the time to volunteer with a local Animal Rescue.
Please take the time that you have and give back to something. If everyone would take just a few hours a week and give back a little to a charity we could acheive so so much.

Take up a hobby, attend classes (art classes, cooking classes, etc).
There are any number of things you can do. Just give it a little thought.

I think I fit this to a higher degree-- I got out of a relationship 6 months ago and haven't even THOUGHT about going out with a guy again since then. I have my school and my job, and when I get home after a long day of obligations I don't want to feel compelled to have to do anything I don't want to do: "I'm tired, but I probably should call ____...." Ugh. No thanks.

I agree about spending a few days away from each other. Sometimes you just need a little space. Take a mini vacation w/friends one weekend away from the BF/hubby. That helps me and my BF.

Only 12 days until my trip to visit my family. Not sure if that will help or not but we'll see. In august my friend and I are planning a trip to Vegas, just the two of us. That should be a blast and help a lot more than going to visit my family.

When I get back I'm planning on definitely doing some volunteering, maybe taking a class in something. Not sure what yet.

You know what helped a lot though? Just knowing I'm not the only one. I was actually really worried about. I thought it was just me or our relationship. I'd been feeling like that for awhile but never told anyone. You guys are great! :hug: