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Old 10-13-2005, 05:31 PM   #16  
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I am overweight for my height I'm probably technically obese. I have gained the weight I lost before I meet my husband back and now.....He is basically disgusted by me we have not been close in a very long time. I feel so unwanted and unloved and I just don't know what to do...I am unhappy with the way I look and true I don't blame him in a way but at the same time what happened to loving no matter what you look like. I am not an unattractive person....and I'm still the same person inside so why can't he love me at all? I am trying to loose the weight again and not just for him but I should i want to even be with a person who is like this? sorry for the sob story.
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Old 10-14-2005, 05:30 AM   #17  
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Confidence is sexy. I had a really hard time seeing that at my highest weight, but it's true. And unfortunately, it's something overweight people lack at times. All of those men who tell you guys that you're beautiful, that they love you? They're telling the truth! I have to give you all props for finding a man who truly cares about who you are, inside and out. I found one myself, and he loves the thinner me, but he loved the heavier me just the same. He's only happier now because I'm happier with myself and more open. I do the same for him and love him through the hard times and the good. I think that's a deeper reflection of love than we see on TV and in movies.

Byebigbutt, I really recognize that cycle. It seems that sometimes there are other issues that come up, and people start being defensive and forgetting to appreciate the other person. Even one counselling session can help a LOT. There are a lot of tools that you can use to help heal your relationship, and it all starts with open communication. Even if he won't go, maybe looking into it yourself would help you to understand why things are going the way they are. Trimfar, I'd suggest the same. Both of you deserve to be loved and appreciated, and if you're not getting what you need then you should stand up and take the steps you need to start changing things. Physical issues aside, anyone who is having a hard time showing love and affection probably has something else going on with them that is holding them back. Hang in there
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Old 10-14-2005, 06:42 AM   #18  
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I know I have issues. I think I'm pretty and I think I look darn good in clothes, but the thought of being in front of a man with bra and panties or naked...OMG NOOOOOOOO THE HORROR THE HORROR!! yeah, I know, I need to get over it. I also have a hard time believing men when they tell me Im beautiful. I think, oh they just like my face, but I still cant accept that they are talking about the rest of me...OR, I think they are talking about the rest of me while in clothes and then if they saw me naked, they would run screaming for the yeah, I've never been naked in front of anyone except the doctor and that doesnt count.

Trimfar, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself? Maybe this is me and my vivid imagination, but I thought your husband was supposed to stand by you and support you no matter what, if he loved you for you and did not have extreme issues of his own...
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Old 10-14-2005, 11:25 AM   #19  
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Originally Posted by JoyfulVegGirl
Byebigbutt, I really recognize that cycle. It seems that sometimes there are other issues that come up, and people start being defensive and forgetting to appreciate the other person. Even one counselling session can help a LOT. There are a lot of tools that you can use to help heal your relationship, and it all starts with open communication. Even if he won't go, maybe looking into it yourself would help you to understand why things are going the way they are.
Thanks for the advice. We've discussed counseling, but it just got dropped. After much thinking last night I think he really needs a confidence booster. The more I think about the more I realize that how is toward me is more about his issues than mine. He loves me and I know that, but there's certain times that I need reassurance of that and I haven't been getting that lately. But, maybe I need to look inward and find that...
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Old 10-14-2005, 01:08 PM   #20  
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Trimfar, I feel so sorry for you. You are going through a lot right now in your life, and that is so much to deal with. You can do what you want, obviously, but I would consider a divorce. You said, "He is basically disgusted by me we have not been close in a very long time. I feel so unwanted and unloved and I just don't know what to do,". When I get married I want that man to love me no matter what (not stop doing so within the first year of marriage), and I want to make love frequently until we die. Just think, say five or ten years down the road you will be upset with yourself for wasting that much time of your life on such a jerk. Your husband is supposed to make you feel like you are the most special person in the world, not the most disgusting one. Please do not think that if you lose the weight then he will care about you again. That is so superficial on his part, and who would want to be with someone like that anyways? Also, if you lose the weight you will always be obsessed about your weight and worry that you are going to gain it back and worry that he will leave you because of it. That is no way to go through life. You deserve so much not settle in life. You may miss out on "Mr. Right" while wasting your time with a man whom makes you feel so bad about yourself. Love is not conditional, so do not let him make you think so. Good luck, and let us know how everything goes.
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Old 10-14-2005, 02:46 PM   #21  
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Well... my big fat dating ... saga...

I had never gotten ANY attention from guys when I was younger, and believe me, I was totally boy crazy so that was hard. I always knew that my size played a major factor in being shut out of the high school dating scene.
Then, I met boyfriend #1. He was a huge guy. Really tall, extremely overweight, covered in piercings and tattoos and also 6 years older than me. At 16, I was flattered and he seemed "cool" so we dated for almost a year.
Now looking back I realize that I wasn`t attracted to him, I was just really desperate for some male attention. I lost my virginity to him, but we hardly ever had sex. I think there were a combination of reasons there.
Oh, and plus I gained at least 30lbs while he and I were together. He liked eating, so I ate with him. He loves bigger girls and so he would discourage any weight loss efforts from me.
Lessons: Don`t date guys if they don`t want you to be healthy. Also, don't settle for guys you aren`t attracted to.

I met boyfriend #2 online and we hung out casually for a few months. He was also overweight, although smaller than boyfriend #1 by a lot. We ended up dating and eventually having sex and while it was better than #1, I still don`t think I was really attracted to him. He wasn`t very nice to me about ANYTHING, and he was another guy who enjoyed having me as his eating-buddy more than me being healthy. Despite all that, I lost 30lbs while he and I were together. For the first time in my life I started wearing skirts and tank tops and I began to get attention from guys that I was attracted to. I was still about 195, so it wasn`t like I was suddenly thin. I was so much more confident and the attention made me even more confident.
Lesson: Don't settle for guys who are mean to you.

I fell head over heels for boyfriend #3. He was gorgeous, cool, and had an athletic build. I had the biggest crush on him for months and I never ever ever thought that he would like me. But somehow one day everything just clicked and we fell into a perfect relationship. I loved being intimate with him. I think because I was so attracted to him, it made me feel sexier that he actually wanted to see me naked. My self esteem was through the roof.
He had issues though, drugs and being a general loser, that I hadn`t considered while in the 'perfect' relationship, so exactly one year after we began dating he dumped me. We continued sleeping together, but I usually had to initiate and I felt less attractive.
Lesson: Stop worrying about how attractive I am to him and start thinking about how attractive he is to me.

Because there was no longer a commitment, I started hooking up with random guys at parties. In the moment those hook ups felt really empowering, (yes! someone thinks I'm hot!) but in the morning I was always a little worse off than the night before. (How desperate is this guy?)
Lesson: Random hook ups and sleeping with your ex do Not make you feel thinner, more beautiful or better. Ever.

He and I agreed to stop talking all together, which was hard but ended up being ok. Yes, it kind of hurts that his new girlfriend is blond and has the body of a 12 year old boy. And that she called me a "stupid, FAT, *****" but all in all, everything just makes me want to work harder.

I think I am one of those people who thinks she looks smaller/better than she actually does because I almost prefer being naked and I think I look better that way.
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Old 10-14-2005, 09:44 PM   #22  
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Lizzie, wow that sounds so familiar! It seems we tend to settle when we don't feel very good about ourselves. & LOL at you perfering to be naked, me too! Especially because my clothes hide the details of the wieght I have lost! I swear I can see changes on a daily basis, but when I put on my clothes you I just can't see it as much.
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Old 10-15-2005, 03:49 AM   #23  
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Lizzie I loved your post - as similar to all of you - for some reason I am still (I guess) hurt by my boyfriends (somewhat mutual) dumping - there were many issues - but the fact that he is dating someone else now (thinner, not nessasarily cuter - cause of course I am prettier ) bumms me out - esp since I am not dating anyone (and have no time to devote to dating someone right this second) It is the thinner gf that I am actually talking about - I am sure it has nothing to do with us - our bfs are just stupid have independancy issues and jump at the first pair of legs that actually pays attention to them. (at least mine did ) but I don't know if she calls me a "fat *****" - I wonder what she does think of me - seeing he did know her before I got "dumped" (though they waited ahem all of like 6 months to start dating)

anyway - I'm sad - i need a boy it's been too long and the waking up in the morning after a random hook-up - agreed, I don't really feel much better about it - esp since it usually isn't quite so good.

BUT - I did want to say this: having a boyfriend, who was the first boy I kissed sober, had sex with sober, etc boosted my confidence a lot at the time (of course now I have been too long without these things, so confidence is down again). In the beginning he was the one who tried to entrap me in our sexapedes - so it made me feel wanted etc.
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Old 10-15-2005, 11:49 AM   #24  
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I have a problem. I don't want to be alone anymore, but I don't know how I can expect someone else to love me when I don't love myself? It's not like I place my entire self worth on how much I weigh, it's just that I have a hard time appreciating the "fat me". At the same time, I am afraid that I won't meet anyone until I'm at goal, and then I will always be suspicious that he is conceited (where was he when I was 220 lbs?) and only interested in me because I'm thin. So anyways, I met a guy in a chat room the other night (that night when I was home drinking beer), and since I was more than a little tipsy I told him I weighed 140 something. Oops! We ended up talking on the phone later that night (and several times since) and I was floored. To give you an idea of how majorly this guy fits my profile of 'the perfect guy for me' I'll first describe for you my 'perfect guy', and then this guy. My perfect guy: Christian, Conservative Republican, Wants a big family, Is a homeschooling advocate, wants his wife to be a stay at home mom, is caring/loyal/into public service (I have a thing for military guys), is ambitious, is at least somewhat attractive, wants to live down south someday, doesn't mind the fact that I have a child. Okay, so now for this guy: He's a christian (his father is a pastor), he's a conservative republican (praise GOD), wants a bunch of kids, he was homeschooled from k-12 (and wants his children to be homeschooled), he does not believe his wife should work, he's a marine (I LOVE marines), he's in school full time as well as working full time, he's a hottie (sent me his pic), and finally...he wants to live down south (hates michigan as much as I do).

Okay, sounds too perfect, right? I know what you must be thinking, that I told him what I was looking for before he told me about himself and his beliefs...but nope, I didn't tell him a thing!!! Okay, so the bad part...he doesn't care for bigger women. He admitted that he was somewhat shallow in that sense. Normally I would kick a guy to the curb for that, but you gals don't understand just how PERFECT this guy is for me, well...the 'thin me' anyways. He is envious of his married friends and wishes he could meet 'the right one' so he could settle down and start a family (just like me). The problem is that I don't know how long I can hold him off. Our first 'date' is set for opening day of the movie "the lion, the witch and the wardrobe", which is on December 9th (the day after my 26th birthday). So I said this guy is perfect, well there are 2 problems with him: 1. his distaste for overweight women 2. he turns 21 a month after I turn 26. Is that bad? Am I robbing the cradle? No offense to any of you 20-21 year old gals in here (as girls are generally more mature than guys), but 20-21 is still in the growing up stage. I look back at how I was when I was that age, and man...was I stupid! Okay, so what should I do?
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Old 10-15-2005, 07:52 PM   #25  
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hrm - 21 is pretty young, my ex was younger than I was (he was about 18 months younger than I was) so in a sense not so much younger, but I had lived in the "real" world for a while, and he had not. But then again, he had dated older women before, so it wasn't such a big deal.

So it depends on the maturity of the guy, and whether or not he makes it a big deal - but at 20/21 just getting out of school, you usually think the whole world is yours to have and aren't yet deflated by the idea of the real world. (think of other people you know just getting out). Though if he has worked while in school - you never do know don't you.

point 2) the wieght thing - I have these thoughts too - want a guy I'll meet when I am "thin" but what if I gain it back - who will be the loser of the situation then. Him obvioulsy but some people may have prejudices about weight when they don't know the person - I would def say concentrate on the things you both want, and don't phych yourself out on the weight thing - if he likes you for who you are, he will (if a good guy) love you for what you are. and you are already at a step where you are trying to make yourself healthier in every respect. as we have been talking - you must respect yourself first - and if he does not respect you for what and who you are - how can you be in a happy relationship? but don't count the chickens before they hatch - I mean, you have not even met him in person yet - who knows how he could really be.
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Old 10-15-2005, 08:11 PM   #26  
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I'm new here, but I thought I would pop my two cents in. Before having kids I never had self confidence problems, actually I think I was over confident if anything. Yep, that was me that would go to the strip clubs with my husband and not have any issues, **** I'd even get up and dance on stage. big deal.

Now....two kids a two year period.....I've put on 40 lbs. I gross myself out while we have sex in certain positions from having rolls, but you know what???? Half the time when I'm looking at my gross rolls, DH has his eyes closed!!!! He isn't looking at rolls, he's feeling intimate with his wife, enjoying himself, feeling close to me. He has made his comments about how I need to get in better shape which have hurt terribly, but I realize it's more my issue than his...he isn't thinking of how I "look", he's thinking of my health.

Now, he left for boot camp 10 weeks ago, and since he left I've lost almost 15 lbs....we'll see if it makes any difference if we get a chance to be intimate!!!!
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