Amanda, take care! You have had great success with losing 30 lbs. Your stepmom has a crappy attitude. Don't let her get you down.
In fact, think about your body image this way: Your stepmom thinks poorly of you, and she's a b***h, you're not a B like her, so therefore you can't think poorly of yourself. Also, you seem like a nice person and a good mom. You would never treat other people badly, right? Remember that you're a person, too, so don't treat yourself badly, either. Every woman has hated her body at some time. Sorry to hear that you hit a really low point. But not only have you succeeded by losing 30 lbs., you also succeeded in not self-medicating when you were blue and instead going for a jog. Yay, you.
When it comes to fashion... have you tried this season's empire-waist shirts? They look really pretty, because they give you an indent up by your ribs, rather than clinging to your belly like so many other shirts do. I know Kohl's has some. They are probably on sale at this point. Maybe you could wear them into the fall by adding a sweater.
Pants can suck so much. I like jeans from the Limited. They tend to sit right at the belly button, so that they don't let your gut hang out, but rather hold it in a bit.
TBJ333 - Thanks girl! Yep, low point is a good way of putting it! I;m trying to get over it, and its not so much my step mother (witch) as it is just my own attitude. I miss losing the weight fast and easy like I did on Atkins, but I don't want to give up entire food groups in the process. I want to make changes that allow me to live my life. When I was on Atkins I was always paranoid about hidden carbs in everything...worried that I would get knocked out of ketosis. I don't ever want to live like that again. I want to be able to just watch what I eat...and make allowances for treats that I enjoy. Wow, okay I'm rambling again.
The big problem I am really dealing with right now is my stomach. As I said in my first post, I am truly afraid that it will be really big forever, even when I lose the weight. This is an all consuming fear of mine...renewed afresh every day when I:
1. Get dressed in the morning
2. Get undressed every night
3. Have to suck my stomach in every day...always aware that if I don't I will look gross
4. Feel it bouncing around when I go jogging
5. Try on any pants that are not STRETCH
6. See skinny women holding newborns
7. Sit down at my computer and (without thinking) unzip my pants, letting my massive gut spill over onto my lap (gross, I know)
8. God forbid...torture myself by trying to fit into clothing I used to wear post Atkins
9. Take my son to school and see all the trim looking 30-40 year olds wearing clothes meant for people in their 20's (I'm in my 20's, and I can't wear those clothes)
10. Jeans tend to make a *roll* appear just above the waistline when I sit...attractive.
11. When someone gives me clothing (for whatever reason) that is always too small...and I end up giving it to my skinny friend who either tries it on and it looks great (jealous) or tries it on and it's too big (ain't that a kick in the pants).
12. When my skinny friend gets clothing (for whatever reason) that is too big for her, and I go to try it on only to discover it's too small.
13. Have to lean over on the scale to see the number because my big gut blocks my view.
14. Don't even get me started on painting my toenails...as if!
The list goes on...depressing!
Amanda
Last edited by amandaholly; 08-31-2005 at 01:03 PM.
Excellent list--I could probably add about 20 more items to it (I would think about 100 of the 150 pounds I have to lose is all in my stomach!).
Now make a new list--reasons why you will NOT give up, how much better you feel when you're eating and exercising properly, how much you've already accomplished on your weight loss journey, etc. After all, would you rather be losing weight all over and have a bit of a stomach to deal with, or just be big all over and have not only a big stomach, but a big butt, big legs, big arms, big chin, etc., to deal with?
Good point, and yes...I too could make a HUGE list of all the bad stuff...those happy little moments of self-disgust in which you want to kick your own @ss. I guess I am just pissed at myself...pissed at my doctor for not working out my thyroid problem earlier...pissed at the world for making me feel like a second-class citizen based on my weight...pissed at my genetics...pissed at the a-hole who impregnated me while I was unconscious...pissed at my circumstances in general. I am just PISSED! Why is my weight dictating my own feelings of self-worth? Why, why, why? This is one of those times that I wish I had a punching bag! There is no easy answers to my problems...and time couppled with concentrated effort and a lot of luck is the only thing that's gonna make a damn bit of difference! Okay...I'm trying to end the rant, but it's hard. I think I'll go clean something to take my mind off my empty, yet still massive stomach. Catch ya in a little while gals!
sorry you've been through so much...i'm sure some of your gut hating isn't all about your gut but some of those other things...subconscious thoughts and beliefs can be so hidden they come out in other areas...
*ferret puts away her psych degree* ok i feel better...and i agree...make that good list...it's a must in fact i am demanding you lol
Okay...by popular demand...the Good List..."Why I Will Not Give Up":
1. I do not like my body the way it is now. Hopefully it will improve, as it probably can't look much worse.
2. The foods I was eating before will eventually kill me if I resume my old eating habits.
3. I hate fat girl clothes. Fat girl clothes are made for people over 40. All the cool/trendy clothes only go up to a size 10...any bigger and they start to look different somehow, can't quite place it.
4. I want to meet my future hubby...and not scare him away. I don't mean that my being overweight would frighten him, as I would never even go on a second date with anyone that shallow...I just have a feeling that I'm not going to meet anyone and have them like me, as long as I don't even like me.
5. I want to have like 6 more kids. Yep, I'm nuts! Hopefully keeping up a healthy weight will make every pregnancy a problem free one!
6. I want to have a better view of the world. As a fit and trim person, I had an optomistic view of people. When a guy failed to hold the door for me at a gas station I would just assume he was in a rush or something...now, as a fat chick, when that happens I automatically jump to the conclusion that he didn't think I was worth holding the door open for. See what I mean? Being fat has really turned me into a paranoid bit**!
7. I want to have more energy. I know that my thyroid has more to do with this right now than anything else does, but I would still like to try!
8. I want to learn to like healthy foods, so I can be around to watch my little Jobe grow up (but not too fast).
9. I want my focus to be on God...my pastor was speaking in the spirit this evening, and he warned (through interpretation) us not to allow ourselves to get too distracted with "the flesh". Well, you don't get any more carnal than this...it's become an obsession.
6. I want to have a better view of the world. As a fit and trim person, I had an optomistic view of people. When a guy failed to hold the door for me at a gas station I would just assume he was in a rush or something...now, as a fat chick, when that happens I automatically jump to the conclusion that he didn't think I was worth holding the door open for. See what I mean? Being fat has really turned me into a paranoid bit**!
Back when I was a psych major in undergrad, I actually read about an experiment that shows a lot of women feel this way. The experiment involved women being rejected (all fake, of course, just for the experiment) by men. Then the women were asked why they were rejected. The large women tended to say that it was because of their weight, and the small women gave other reasons -- personality conflicts, etc. So, you're not alone in your feelings.
Your post a while back is now making me angry, too... stupid society that values women when there is less of them rather than more of them!
FYI, my weight loss started two years ago when I went off of a medication that was messing with my thyroid and causing hypothyroidism. No, the weight didn't magically melt off. But when I was hypothyroid, I couldn't lose weight, whereas now that the thyroid issue is taken care of, I can. So there's hope that treating the thyroid problem will help.
Like Ferret said, You should make a list of positive things.... you need to learn to love yourself! No matter what you look like you should always have a high level of respect for yourself, then you will succeed at more things because you'll have more confidence!
I'll tell you what I love about myself......
I have pretty eyes, I am strong at heart, I really love my family, I have strong legs, I will be there for any one I love, I have a good job, I am making a huge effort to change a lot of things about myself (financial choices, healthy living, attitude adjustment), I give people the benefit of the doubt, I don't put up with people's bullshit anymore, I look out for me now, I know I'm big... but I think I'm beautiful (I really had to work on that one!), I don't care what other's think... a stranger's opinion of my looks does NOT matter!, I love that I am doing so many great things for MY VERY OWN BENEFIT!
That's a bunch of things I love about me.... there's more, but this could get very long!
they're both right...not saying it's easy...some days i feel like i hate myself all over again...such a struggle...but it's necessary for a healthy life (even if you're skinny...if you thought these things before, you'd probably still feel that way about yourself in some aspects so being skinny doesn't mean having a healthy perspective of yourself)
TBJ333 - Thanks for the talk...yes, psych classes certainly do give you a good insight into what is wrong with the world...and just how screwed up we all are Glad to hear that your thyroid was healed...wish they could get mine working like it used to, but at least it's not as bad as it has been...oh, and congrats on the weight loss, keep it up!
Ferret & Sarah - Okay, I guess it's time for me to make my list. Oh, and just for the record, I do have some self-esteem/self-confidence, but I'm realistic...my area's of self confidence stem from my intelligence...I have a 150 I.Q...and am self-taught (barely showed up for Junior High, and never went to high school), yet I am a college student with a 3.8 GPA. Then I have my area of complete lack of self confidence (which is the way I look). Like I said, I am realistic. I am fat, and as far as I am concerned, I am not good-looking. I could sit here and type that I have a good complexion, or full lips...but that would be like admiring the one good patch of skin on a leper...I'd only be kidding myself. Sometimes I'm getting ready to go out and I decide to put on make-up...usually about half way through I realize the futility of my efforts...you can put pigtails on a pig (heck, you can even dress it up in a designer dress), but it's still a pig...nomatter how long you look at it you can't make it a princess. So, I think that looking at any of my physical attributes and trying to find the princess hiding in the pig would be pointless...even counterproductive. As far as things about myself that make up the foundation of my self-esteem: I am intelligent, I am a good listener, I am slightly eccentric (I enjoy this, even if no one else does), I am persistent, I am caring enough to give my life for a complete stranger (without even stopping to think about it...if it wern't for Jobe I would be a Marine), I have faith in Jesus Christ (the most important relationship I have on earth is with Him), I am willing to admit my mistakes, I am internally motivated in everything that is important to me, I am a conservative Republican (thank God I learned enough not to be a "liberal 'cause it's socially accepted"), I take good care of my son.
Okay...that's the best I could do. So, does that work?
Every woman has hated her body at some time. Sorry to hear that you hit a really low point. But not only have you succeeded by losing 30 lbs., you also succeeded in not self-medicating when you were blue and instead going for a jog. Yay, you. 
I like jeans from the Limited. They tend to sit right at the belly button, so that they don't let your gut hang out, but rather hold it in a bit.
