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Old 07-26-2005, 02:51 PM   #1  
All That's Left of Me
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Arrow Getting it out...a story I have never told a soul

Well this is my first post, so why not bear my soul, eh? It's easier on the internet, but no one who knows me has ever heard my story before.

I was always slim and trim. 5 foot 6, medium build, size 5 jeans and small shirt(125 lbs). I got engaged, and then dumped after being with the guy for 2 1/2 years. A month later I wore a size 4 jeans (120 lbs). A few months after the breakup I went to my first social gathering, a house party of sorts, out in the country (or as much in the country as you can get in Michigan). The girl I went with took off with some guy to go for a walk, so I sat down on the porch to look up at the stars. A few minutes later a guy came out and sat down next to me, asking me if I wanted a beer. I said yes, so he went back in and came out with a frosty mug full of beer. I remember drinking most of it (the only alcohol I had all night since I was driving), but thats all I remember. I woke up the next morning in my car in the driveway of the house, my friend was nowhere to be found, but her purse was still in my car, so I went into the house and found her sleeping on the couch. I woke her up and we left.

Flash ahead 4 months later...I'm a freshman in college (pretty cool considering I only went to high school for two weeks) and I work full-time at Jax Car Wash. I've been sick for awhile, like 3 months. I can barely eat and I've gained weight. I spend my day (this was during the summer heat) over black top in the blazing sun. Every afternoon I throw up. I haven't had a period in a while, but since I haven't had sex, I decide that the car wash (either the extreme heat or hey, maybe there's asbestos) is making me sick. So I quit my job.

Flash ahead 2 months later...I'm still in college and I work full time at Home Depot. My life is finally looking up. I stopped throwing up, and now I'm able to eat good. Unfortunately I'm still gaining weight. I decided to join Medical Weight Loss Clinic. They do all the initial tests (pregnancy, thyroid, etc) and give me the go ahead, so I start the program. A few weeks later I come down with the flu, and need a doctors note so I can miss work. I go into the doctors (a new doctor I'd never been to before) and while she is examining me she asks me how far along I am. I am shocked by her rudeness, there is nothing worse than being a bit overweight and having someone ask you how far along you are. I explain to her that my job entails a lot of heavy lifting which is causing my abs to pertrude. "I haven't had sex, so unless I'm a victim of immaculate conception I don't think thats possible"! She gave me a doubtful look, had me lay down and proceeded to smear KY jelly on my stomach. I was mortified, who does she think she is? Then she touched that little plastic device to my stomach, and that's when I heard it...a heartbeat. My exact words "what's that...my heartbeat"? Doctors words "that's not your heartbeat...it's your baby's". At first I thought that she was a quack, then she went on to say that from the size of my stomach I must be about 6 months along. My mind was racing...who, how, toilet seat? Then I remembered that party, that guy, the beer in the open mug. I went outside and chain smoked while the doctor called my mother to come get me (she said I was in no condition to drive). I thought back over the last 6 months, the smoking, drinking, dieting. There's no way this kid is going to be okay. Plus giving birth, oh my God...I'm terrified of needles...I can't give birth...can't I'm only 19...please let me miscarry...

Doctors orders: Eat, and tell Medical Weight Loss Clinic to shove it!

A few days later, the ultrasound. They had to do one to make sure it was okay. I was disgusted, and scared. I watched the screen, holding my breath with tears streaming down my face...now it's real...now I can't wish it gone...or contemplate an abortion.....it's a boy...well, at least that will make it easier to give him up, if I were going to keep it I would want a girl...


Flash ahead 2 weeks later, my mom has told me that I have to give the baby up for adoption. I don't tell her about how I came to be pregnant, I feel like she would just blame me for going to the stupid party in the first place. She sets up interviews with potential parents through catholic social services. I interviewed a few coupples and they were great, but I started to become sad. By this point I began to grow attached to the baby in my belly. He started kicking. I remember leaving the coffee shop, after having interviewed a cute married coupple. I got in the car and rubbed on my belly feeling the tiny baby wiggling and kicking inside. I cried, harder than I have ever cried in my life because I realized that I loved him...that he was a part of me, the best part. A flower amongst thorns. I didn't just want him, I needed him...loved him. I told my mother that if she forced me to give up my child I would never forgive her, never look at her again without thinking of what she made me give up. She stopped setting up interviews.

Flash ahead 2 weeks later, I'm sitting in my livingroom watching tv when I start to see spots floating around the room. Kinda like floaters in your eye, except silver, and when I blinked they were still there, floating around and bursting like fireworks. I called my doctor and told her what was happening, she told me to go to the hospital. She met me there and hooked me up to a blood pressure monitor, and a fetal heartrate monitor. I'll never forget hearing my baby's heartbeat through the speaker that day, it was slower than mine. My bloodpressure was through the roof. After several hours and tons of tests my doctor informed me that I had toxemia, not pre-eclampsia, but full blown toxemia. She needed to do an amniosintisis, (where they put that big long needle into your stomach and into the womb to remove some of the amniotic fluid) to see if he was developed enough to induce labor. The results came back...his lungs are not capable of breathing on their own. I agreed to bed rest as long as my body could take it, and spent the next three weeks laying on my side in bed and getting steroid injections in my hip (ouch, yet not as bad as the amniosintisis). After three weeks, my doctor said she was concerned, and wanted to induce labor. She put me on Petosin (sp?) and broke my water. The birth was traumatic, with more things going wrong than I could have ever imagined (cord wrapped around throat 3 times, when they removed it it ruptured and he lost a lot of blood. He also went without a pulse for four minutes, and I went through the entire episode without any pain relievers/epideral (they couldn't get it in right, and when they finally did, a nurse unknowingly turned it off ).

After he came out they transported him to a NICU at another hospital (but not before telling me that he might not make it) and I was not able to see him until 2 days later.

Despite all the opinions of the doctors ("he'll probably be slow, mentally ******ed, etc) my son is absolutely fine! He is now a handsome, intelligent, compassionate, wonderful little 5 year old boy. He will never know how he came to be, and neither will anyone else except whoever reads this. It's amazing how something so awful can produce something so wonderful. I agree with that Garth Brooks song..."some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers".

Take all of that past, wrap it up and tie it with a bow, and here I am 25 years old and 199.4 lbs. The toxemia killed my thyroid, I mean severely. When I had my TSH (thyroid hormone) tested it was at 189.7 (should have been around 0.1). After all this time they finally have it somewhat straightened out, but my metabolism is still really slow. Ask anyone with a truly bum thyroid and they will tell you, the synthetic thyroid hormone replacements will never be as good as the ones God gave you. At one point I did the Atkins diet (actually closer to the protein power diet, but whats the difference anyway) and it did work, really well in fact. With minimal exercise I went from a size 18 pants to a size 12 in about 3 months. Why did I gain it back? Because I realized that I could not eat in that way for another minute, let alone the rest of my life!

What am I doing now? Well now I am eating 6 small meals a day, trying to stay away from meal replacements (they're convenient, but not as good for me as real whole foods), taking whole food vitamins and a complete essential fatty acid oil supplement daily, doing 1 hour of moderate exertion cardio 7 days a week, and strength training my whole body 2 days a week. I began my new healthy lifestyle on July 1st 2005 at 211.6 lbs, and as of today I weigh 199.4 lbs. This is the first time that I think I can do it! The only problem is that I'm afraid I'm not taking in enough calories...as much as I try I find it hard to get to 1000 calories a day. I know this is a stupid sounding problem, I feel dumb just typing it, but when you eat 6 meals a day it's hard to eat even 200 calories at every meal.

Anyways, thank you all for listening to my life story, and my complaining. It feels good to just put it all out there. If you have any suggestions on how I can improve my routine I will be eternally grateful. Sorry if anything contained within this post is offensive to you, just being real. I know that some of what I thought back then was harsh, but I was young and immature. I've grown up a lot since then.

Much thanks,
Amanda

Last edited by amandaholly; 07-26-2005 at 03:40 PM.
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Old 07-26-2005, 03:07 PM   #2  
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Dear Amanda,
I've never been so touched by an entry as I am by yours. You really did put it out there...eloquently and truthfully!
I have a feeling that your life and the life of your son will surpass your dreams. I am praying for blessings on you both. Enjoy his life because he really sounds like a specially created boy. You have seen so much difficulty for your young years! I am speechless. Perhaps it's a blessing that you don't remember the conception because then there aren't active memories of that night.

God bless you both,
Maggie
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Old 07-26-2005, 03:13 PM   #3  
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Welcome to 3 fat chicks, Amanda. I think you have a beautiful life story and your son is blessed with a great mother..it is amazing what we can do when we have to...even with weight loss, you have been through much harder times than these and you can do this for yourself because you are worth it! Much success is being sent your way!



Starting weight 209#
Today's weight 147#
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Old 07-26-2005, 03:28 PM   #4  
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Amanda, I want to welcome you here with open arms and hugs!! That took a LOT of courage, and the people here ARE WONDERFUL! You seem like such a STRONG person, and I wish you the best.
I try to eat 5 or small meals a day, you need to figure out your BMI and go from there. There is a web site Idunno what the darn name is.... someone help me!!
Anyhow, 1000 calories is WAY to low!!! your body is going to go into starvation mode.. Its kinda hard to explain... Some others on here can explain it a little better....... Feel free to Pm me if ya need to!!
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Old 07-26-2005, 03:45 PM   #5  
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Yeah, I know I'm not eating enough calories. My RMR (resting metabolic rate) burns about 2,350 calories a day, without taking into account my thyroid. Plus my level of exercise burns about 400-500 calories a day. Plus I drink at least 100 oz. of pure water a day. I need more calories, but just have a hard time fitting them all in.

Thanks for all the kind words everyone. Much love to you all!

Amanda
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Old 07-26-2005, 05:58 PM   #6  
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Hi Amanda.. I'm Amanda too

Your story made me cry.. I cant help but feel so deeply moved by your story.. I just lost my son (23 weeks along) due to an umbilical cord accident. He was a "opps" and I felt bad in the beginning too... how fast things can change. Anyway.. i just want to let you know that the people on this are some of the best people around.. you'll like it here and you'll be spilling your guts more than 1 time I'm sure, and everyone will be here for you

Glad your here.

Amanda
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Old 07-26-2005, 06:10 PM   #7  
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Hi Amanda, welcome. Thank you for sharing your story. Your son is very lucky to have a mother like you!!

As for eating enough calories, have you considered trying to eat higher-calorie foods? Like, instead of using fat free salad dressing, use regular, eat more whole grain breads and meats, not just veggies, etc? Peanut butter has healthy fats and is pretty caloric. 1 Tbsp of peanut butter will give you as many calories as about 10 cups of salad greens. (I'm not saying to cut out the greens, just to add in some more caloric foods.) If eating six times a day makes it hard for you to eat enough calories, try eating five times a day, or four, or even three. Or have three big meals and two small ones. There are no rules, just find what works for you!!
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Old 07-26-2005, 06:42 PM   #8  
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Yeah, maybe I should try eating less frequently. As for higher calorie foods, I do eat them. Here's a typical day of eating for me:

Awake: 8:30 a.m. (at which point I take my thyroid medicine, then I have to wait an hour before I can eat)

Meal #1: 9:30 a.m. - 1 scoop whey protein powder in water, 1 medium apple. (130 cal)

Meal #2: 11:30 a.m. - 1 slice whole grain toast with 1 TBSP peanut butter (185 cal)

Meal #3: 1:30 p.m. - 1 cup cheerios with 1/2 cup skim milk (150 calories)

Meal #4: 3:30 p.m. - 1 turkey sandwhich on low cal/carb bread with 1 oz. natural turkey lunch meat, 1 tsp spicy brown mustard, 2 slices tomato and shredded lettuce (180 calories)

Meal #5: 5:30 p.m. - 1 egg cooked in extra virgin olive oil and 1 slice whole grain toast with 1 tsp margarine (190 calories)

Meal #6: 7:15 p.m. - 4 oz broiled chicken with stir fried veggies and 1/2 cup wild rice (350 calories)

This is a good day for me. Usually my calories come out to be less than this. I would eat less times a day, but 6 times seems to be the magic bullet for me. When I eat less often I lose a lot slower.

Thanks everyone, and God bless!
Amanda
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Old 07-27-2005, 02:00 PM   #9  
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Well to start I want to say welcome to 3FC! It sounds like you have been through a lot, but that probably just makes you a better mother because you appreciate what you have in your son.

Hmmm...as far as the weight loss goes. Typically diets should not go below 1200 cal/day. However, I know nothing about having thyroid problems. Maybe you should consult a doctor about your calorie intake. Does thyroid problems mayble lower the no. of cals you need? Other than that I would actually suggest adding more fats into your diet. I know it sounds weird. But based on the menu above your fat intake is low. Shoot for healthy fats but at least 10% (10-30% recommended) of your daily cal intake. Like Paperclippy said use reg salad dressing instead of lowfat, etc. If 6 meals/day works for you stick with it. Especially since you have thyroid problems and small meals often will help keep your metabolism from peaking and crashing.
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Old 07-27-2005, 09:30 PM   #10  
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What a strong and brave women you are Amanda. This weight loss thing should be a breeze compared to everything else you've done in your life. Plus, it sounds like you're on the right track already. Good luck to you and welcome to the forums!
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Old 07-28-2005, 02:00 AM   #11  
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Thanks everyone for your support! I sure hope I can get this under-eating taken care of before I waste away, lol! Today I got caught up cleaning the house and missed two of my mini meals. I only ended up eating 845 calories today. That's bad considering all the exercise I got today, plus all the extra exertion I put forth on my 3 hour cleaning adventure. I'm just never hungry. I considered eating a coupple high calorie foods tonight (once I realized how low my intake was today), but figured eating all that right before bed would probably just make me gain. Oh well, what now?
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Old 07-28-2005, 02:07 AM   #12  
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Oh, I forgot to mention...as far as my fat intake goes, I take an essential fatty acid suplement (fish, flax, and all the other healthy oils brought together in one tablespoon that you burp up for the rest of the day...yuck!). I also drink 100 oz of water, and take two whole food vitamins daily. The only issue I have is an extremely low daily caloric intake. I try to eat more...but its hard to remember to eat when you're never hungry (at least until the middle of the night when I won't allow myself to eat).

God Bless,
Amanda
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Old 07-28-2005, 08:36 AM   #13  
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How many calories are in your vitamins? Are you counting them in your daily total? (At least, I assume a fat supplement has calories!)
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Old 07-28-2005, 09:01 AM   #14  
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Amanda -
Thanks for a beautiful story - from a beautiful mother!
Now let me go and repair my makeup.....lol
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Old 07-28-2005, 04:39 PM   #15  
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I'm a new mom and you made me cry. What a lucky boy you have!

No advice for you, but you've come to the right place. Welcome!
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