[gymrat05]

Hey everyone,

So I turned 27 this year and I've honestly been single forever. I dated a guy for a few months last year, but I never really dated much at all during university. When I was at my heaviest weight I had no interest in dating and when I finally hit a weight where I felt great and ready to take on men there were no men to take on...*sigh*

And now I've gained about 25lbs from my lowest weight and I just feel like...ugh. I feel gross, I don't want to dress up, I don't want to go out, I don't want to meet men, I don't want to be seen. I have no interest in any of it. But I'm 27, and my friends are starting to settle down and get engaged/married and I'd like to not be single forever. I'd like to meet guys, and go out and at least feel like I'm heading down a track where I too might one day get married and have kids. I don't need it to happen tomorrow, but I feel like it'll never happen right now. At least not at the rate I'm going...

Anyone else struggle with this? How do you get passed it?

[MissJessieCakes]

Resident lurker. I do have commentary on this though. Let me start with my engagement breaking up in the summer of 2013. Along with other things that year I was a mess. I've recently started to try and meet men. I am just not feeling it. I'm not ready, and it sounds like you aren't either. You can try and force it, you can go on dates and that might work for you. However, my general stance is when you are ready you'll know and until you feel ready every man will be the wrong man.

[sunarie]

I'd second what MissJessieCakes said.. wait until you feel like you want to and you actually feel ready. I think we all go through period of times where we may not be particularly interested in dating and there's nothing wrong with that.

I'd also say learn to love yourself, regardless of your size. Size doesn't determine anyone's worth, or whether they're worth dating or any of that. The same holds true for you. If you're finding that you don't think you deserve stuff because of your weight, or because you think you aren't attractive, definitely work on that mental aspect. Plus side is confidence often attracts

[gymrat05]

Thanks for the advice girls. In a world of Facebook it's easy to feel the pressure. Sometimes I feel the urge to get out and meet people but it's so easy for me to be a hermit. I'm just so comfortable being single I never seem to feel any urge to change that. I really have to push myself... unless I meet a guy I really like which hasn't happened in years, sadly.

I know you're right, sunarie. So much of it is perception...the last time I was at this weight I was coming down from being heavier so I actually felt great and really confident because I was losing weight. Now that I'm gaining it's the opposite. I wish I could feel confident and worthy of love and attention at any weight but I just don't. I'm not where I want to be so I don't want to introduce anyone else to that.

[Claygirl1518]

I agree with sunarie, It sounds like the best thing for you right now is to take care of and love you.

I personally hated this advice when I really wanted a relationship, but it turned out to be true. Loving yourself, and just being happy with yourself, is honestly one of the best ways to meet a person that loves you. I went through that a few years ago in college. I stopped focusing on possible boyfriends, and just worked on loving me and loving my life. I ended up becoming friends with my now husband, and it took us about 6 months of wonderful friendship (both being our true goofy ridiculous selves together) and that was kind of it. I really think it was me being happy and in love with me that made that as wonderful as it was.

I really hope that you can continue loving you, I know it's so hard to feel good about you when you regain weight (I regained 30 and put another 15 on top of it the last 2 years.. ugh) but now I'm working on it and am starting to feel like me again, and trying REALLY hard to love myself along the way. It's so much harder to be kind to ourselves through this process, but it's another lifestyle change. The negative self talk is keeping you from living your life and being you, it's just another adjustment to be successful changing our lifestyle.

So, my two cents: Love you, love your life, and let life happen!

Also, congrats on your weight loss!

[nonameslob]

What everyone said is spot on...love yourself! The rest will come.

Yes, it is sooo much easier said than done. I had to work my *** off to get to that point myself, so don't think that if you think it, it will happen. I spent a lot of time traveling by myself, taking myself on "dates" alone, testing my limits, working every day on my confidence. It's not a walk in the park. But I would never go back to the person I was before.

[gymrat05]

Thanks for all the advice, everyone! I think the most frustrating part of gaining weight back, in my case, is I felt like I had no control of it. It's not like I binged on Oreos and drank a ton of wine and suddenly was up 30 pounds. It's very hard to love your body when it's kind of rebelling against you!

I'm going to work hard at improving my self talk and hopefully the universe will send me some love!

[jazzang]

I completely understand how you feel. For me, I basically realized that I needed to love myself before I could be able to love someone else. I felt how the title of the thread says: I just don’t want to date. I still have not dated! But I’m starting to feel ready. Sure I've been lonely, but to be completely honest (and I might get backlash for this), I was not interested in guys who were interested in me at an unhealthy weight that I didn't feel comfortable at. I want to find a guy who is as dedicated to health and fitness as I have become.

[gymrat05]

I totally get you, jazzang. And I'm the same, I don't really want to date guys who would want to date me at this weight either. So superficial, I know.

[Rin]

Wow, I relate so much to this. I am trying the online dating thing right now, but I'm not really feeling it. I'm thinking about taking a break until I feel better about myself and just concentrate on being healthy for now.

[kitkat2114]

I have to chime in here... I met my current gentleman friend at my heaviest, where I felt like I had a fat suit on. I was always still pretty but I wasn't me. It makes me feel great that he thought I was sexy even when I didn't quite feel it.

Saying that you wouldn't want someone who would enjoy you at your current weight just makes me sad

[Riestrella]

Everyone is different. It might seem like the "right" thing to do is meet someone, get married and have kids right about now, but that is not a predetermined plan for everyone. Sure, most people do settle down and do the whole family thing, but that doesn't mean you have to. It sounds like you're not in the right frame of mind to even be thinking of dating, so concentrate on yourself. Focus on making you feel awesome, on achieving all the weight loss goals you want before even considering letting someone into your life. Learn to love yourself, be proud of yourself and then the rest will fall into place when you're ready. Just don't feel any pressure because you're seeing lots of activity of people getting engaged/married/pregnant on Facebook.

P.S. I'm not saying you need to be thin to be dating, but it sounds like you want to lose weight first to feel confident about yourself. I think you can date no matter what size you are at, but as long as you're mentally prepared for it. Sometimes losing weight can do wonders for the mind, it pulled me out of depression, so that's what I mean about focusing on weight loss.

[gymrat05]

Riestrella - That's exactly it. I don't think at all that someone needs to be or should be "thin" to start dating. Not even a little bit. It's just I don't feel good right now and when you don't feel good you don't want to be noticed that way.

I think where I feel "pressure" is that I'm wasting my 20s. I'm fine being single. I really am. I'd like marriage and I'd like kids but I don't need it right now. However, I feel like I *should* be dating different guys, getting out there, meeting new people, enjoying being single, I just don't want to. It's so easy for me to clam up. I'm not a shy or socially awkward person in the least, but I feel like as I am now is not representative of who I really am...

But seriously, thank you guys for your advice. It helps to hear that it's okay to take time to spend on myself.

[toastedsmoke]

gymrat05: I identify with your post so much. Well except, I'd happily date. I'm 28 and I've NEVER been on an actual date. YES! Indeed! EVER! It doesn't help that I'm not fantastically beautiful (I do okay, but let's keep it real) AND have a moderate case of "beech" face AND I'm painfully shy with strangers in a way I've been told comes across as stuck up whereas I get anxious about social situations and on the inside I'm like "please, please, talk to me, please because i feel incredibly awkward."

It feels like ALL my friends are married and most have kids!! Even friends of mine from a few grades below me are married with kids and I guess I always thought I'd be married by my late 20s and I mean it's fine that I'm not yet, it's not like I'm working with a deadline. I'm not desperate to make the wrong decision and be unhappy, but like you said, one wants to feel one is moving in the right direction, not totally prospect-less, with not even a flirtation on the horizon.

I was obese my whole life and I think I wasted my late teens/early 20s feeling like I was too unattractive to date AND then add this to my natural liking for the quiet pursuits of home (reading etc) AND the shyness AND the beech face AND the not being a member of the "such a pretty face" committee, and of course I was date-less. For some reason, I thought once I got to a normal weight, I would be hot and guys would just be falling around me just like a J-Lo video or something. And I made it down to 152 and it was NOT like that. At all. I didn't suddenly become a rampaging beauty with masses of confidence and flirting skills.

And so now, after going through a regain, mentally, I don't feel less attractive, even though sure I think I looked better in clothes in the 150s. I've realized that if I'm going to find someone, it's not going to be solely a function of weight. So, I've got to figure out something for the other inhibiting factors and deal with them... Or magically find the one person where I am, who'd want to stay home and be boring with me and do all the general homebody stuff we homebodies like. A good friend of mine has pointed out that I'm not finding that person because he's probably hermitting out at home too, but yet I continue to hope and make the odd foray to putting myself out there.

So I guess I just wanted to say, I don't have any wisdom. But I understand where you are right now. Plus we're almost the same age, the same height and weight!

[Jesslan Rose]

GymRat, I know how you feel. I've been there and it's not a good place to be. I won't repeat what others have already said, but I will say that Loving YOU is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

ToastedSmoke, I know exactly how you feel! I'm also painfully shy and have been told I come off as stuck up. Unless it's family I don't know how to act around people. I don't know what to say. So I either say nothing or very little, but in my head I'm wishing people would talk to me and be friendly and outgoing. I don't know if it's my weight loss or the result of suddenly taking vit D supplements because I'm at a low count (the supplements have made me MUCH more active and I feel happier and want to get outside) or a combination of both, but I feel more outgoing now too. For the first time since my Husband passed away in 2009 I feel ready to get out and date, but I don't go to bars or clubs so have no clue where to start to even meet guys.