I have a similar problem. My fiancee seems to have a problem with porn. He admits it's a problem, and yet he just can't seem to stop. He knows how much it hurts me, and it makes me feel so bad about myself, and he says he tries, but it's just so hard for him to stop. Now, I know, most people would say that if it's such a problem, then I should break up with him but, I love him, and any other area of our relationship is fine. My situation is a little different, My fiancee likes big girls. The things that I've seen that he has watched, have been all heavy to very heavy women. All I want for myself is to lose weight, and be fit and feel happy. Yet, I'm afraid to because I don't think he'll be attracted to me anymore. He promises me that won't be the case, I just find it hard to believe. Has anybody else dealt with similar circumstances? I'd love any advice.
And, I do take photos for him, whenever he asks, and then some just to surprise him. I just don't get it. I know, it's human nature, but I can honestly say I don't. In fact I feel guilty if I find a man attractive, because I feel as though he would feel the way I do.
I just don't know what to do.
Last edited by lostinstaticx; 07-24-2013 at 01:07 AM.
I have a similar problem. My fiancee seems to have a problem with porn. He admits it's a problem, and yet he just can't seem to stop. He knows how much it hurts me, and it makes me feel so bad about myself, and he says he tries, but it's just so hard for him to stop. Now, I know, most people would say that if it's such a problem, then I should break up with him but, I love him, and any other area of our relationship is fine. My situation is a little different, My fiancee likes big girls. The things that I've seen that he has watched, have been all heavy to very heavy women. All I want for myself is to lose weight, and be fit and feel happy. Yet, I'm afraid to because I don't think he'll be attracted to me anymore. He promises me that won't be the case, I just find it hard to believe. Has anybody else dealt with similar circumstances? I'd love any advice.
And, I do take photos for him, whenever he asks, and then some just to surprise him. I just don't get it. I know, it's human nature, but I can honestly say I don't. In fact I feel guilty if I find a man attractive, because I feel as though he would feel the way I do.
I just don't know what to do.
That is a tricky situation. For whatever reason, porn doesn't really bother me much, except in the context of it all being women of a different ethnicity from me -- again reinforcing that my blonde pale-ness is not his ideal type. It's petty, but true.
I think porn is different because it's not just seeing nudity, it's seeing sex, which is obviously more stimulating, and often it's seeing sex in a way that is stimulating, but not the type of thing you actually want to do - ie. he might be intrigued by more adventurous types of sex, but wouldn't feel comfortable enacting those things in real life - like fantasy that is safe and appealing in a voyeur context but not something you would ACTUALLY like to participate in, in real life.
It's tricky but there is still a lot of societal pressure for women to be both the "whore" and the "virgin" and sometimes I think men find trouble blending those archetypes, ie. he may be stimulated by "whore" type personality traits, sex acts, etc. but he would like to keep those traits separate from you his woman of "high moral standards, classy, etc." because the "whore" traits also make him somewhat uncomfortable, can be intimidating, etc.
I once read a scholarly article about fantasy and the idea that things that make us uncomfortable, or scare us, are often the things that stimulate us, and that this idea is associated with horror movies, porn, and other types of entertainment.
I can understand why they make you uncomfortable (I would be uncomfortable if watching porn became a regular activity for my bf) but maybe trying to understand the appeal to him will help you be less bothered, and enable you to strike up a compromise. For instance, I don't mind going to burlesque shows with my boyfriend, or erotic literature (Perhaps writing erotic notes to each other...), and perhaps if he took that approach, or an approach related to "Porn only when you are out of town and unavailable for sex" etc.
As long as your sex life is good and exciting, I would try not to worry too much... also, maybe it's time to have an honest discussion about his fantasies. While he might not want to try something as extreme as many porn situations, using something that stimulates him as inspiration for your own less intimidating version may also help...
The size thing is tricky, but maybe a focus should be building muscle so that you can be fit, healthy and lighter, but not "small" per se. Lingerie etc. can also adjust the way you look, to increase bust size, or bottom size, if curves are related to his tastes... but in the end being happy with yourself and healthy is more important than achieving a look stimulating to your partner, but unhealthy etc. for you.
Good luck with your relationship. Relationships are a struggle but accepting your partner where they are at and working to make compromises can solve even the trickiest of problems.
Lostinstaticx:
I second everything that Seize said. I used to have a harder time with my man watching porn until we started watching it together. ****, sometimes I watch it without him now. What it comes right down to is just... stimulation in a more concrete way than I can manage with just my imagination.
As for your man being attracted to you... well. My man watches skinny-chick porn, and yet still seems turned on by me. If your man watches heavier-chick porn, something tells me he'll be just as turned on when you're fit and healthy. He loves you, and has affirmed that he'll be attracted to you regardless of your physique. The only time I would express genuine concern, or suggest you should end things is if he was encouraging you to keep the weight on, or sabotaging your efforts towards better health for his own reasons-- and it certainly doesn't sound like he's the type.
I know it's hard when we're insecure to accept things that feel hurtful (my man attending strip clubs with buddies and getting a lap dance, anyone?), but all we can do is express our feelings, look for mutual solutions, and delve deep into WHY we feel so hurt and insecure when our significant others are assuring us that they love us, are attracted to us, and "actually found the lap dance super awkward and could not get aroused from that."
For whatever reason, porn doesn't really bother me much, except in the context of it all being women of a different ethnicity from me -- again reinforcing that my blonde pale-ness is not his ideal type
Just food for thought - wouldn't this make you feel better that it was someone who could never look like you, instead of knowing your SO had an exclusive preference for your race/ethnicity and watched porn starring super-hot women who could resemble you?
My dude has dated every ethnicity except mine and has a slight preference for women with darker skin tones; this makes me feel better about the whole thing.
Thank you ladies for your input. You know, I've tried a lot of the things that you've suggested. We're in a long distance situation. We see each other only on some weekends which, I understand is difficult for a guy. I don't have as high of a sex drive as him, so physically in that sense it's not as difficult for me. The thing is that it's been live cams as well. Which to me, is cheating. I've offered to Skype with him and we have yet the porn as a whole hasn't stopped. He says he really wants to stop. He doesn't wanna hurt me anymore but he can't seem to. I've offered to watch with him but he has turned that idea down. He doesn't think we're a couple that would benefit from it. He feels as though it would caus more fights. Whenever I ask him about his fantasies or things he'd like to try, he says everything is good. He doesn't offer any suggestions. There are some things that we won't be able to do well until I lose the weight, but I constantly ask what I can do different, or what I can do more and he says he's happy with how it is. I'm in a lot of pain because of my back and things and he says that's the only thing he would change. That he can't stand doing anything that enhances my pain. I don't know. Maybe I just think differently. I've tried to understand why he likes it and I get why but in the end it just makes me feel like I'm not enough for him. I don't know if that'll ever change. It's harder for me I think because the one thing I want most for myself is the exact opposite of what he likes. I don't know. I feel like it should've stopped because it hurts me. I remember I went to see magic mike with some girlfriends of mine. Not by any choice of my own. They were going to see it and I hadn't seen them in a long time. Well I felt wrong for going to see it and my fiancée made me feel so guilty for seeing it. He later apologized and realized how wrong he was especially since the porn had been a problem for quite a while already. I guess I can turn it off easier than others. I've stopped looking at guys all together. I feel guilty just watching tv shows with men that I find attractive. I don't know if that's right or not.
Last edited by lostinstaticx; 07-24-2013 at 03:05 PM.
Oh geez. Well, now that is a problem. The Magic Mike situation. It's good that he apologized afterwards and realized that he was wrong, but especially considering the main issue of him enjoying watching porn... he hasn't got a leg to stand on there.
You should NOT feel guilty for watching things where you're attracted to other men, you should NOT feel guilty to going to see Magic Mike, and you should NOT feel guilty for glancing at a dude you find attractive. He needs to be secure in the knowledge that you would never cheat on him in the same way that you should be able to feel secure that he won't cheat on you, even if he sees a woman he finds attractive. We're all human, we have eyes, and we have attractions. We just don't need to act on them. And movies and TV shows give you the safest outlet for that. Even if I WANTED to cheat on my man with Taylor Lautner, it PROBABLY isn't going to happen.
I hear you on the live cams. That would make me feel uncomfortable in the way that my man getting a lapdance made me feel uncomfortable. I'd like to think he could curb that one if you told him it hurt you.
What I would recommend for you for the porn situation is to look online for porn for women. There are specific places that cater to women, more romantic stuff and or things where the women seem more realistic. It might give you a better taste for it than your average jackhammer male porn.
I went through something similar with my bf two days ago. He had friday night to himself and the guys and I guess after a few drinks, a couple of guys decided to head to a strip club and to my horror my bf went along!! What really made me mad was that one of the guys was his room mate and the guy knows we are together cause I am over at my bfs a lot !!
I mean seriously?!? Not only does my bf not respect me, his roomie knows he doesn't respect me either??
Needless to say all **** broke loose when he told me. That's one thing I totally dread cause of my insecurity over the way I look and given that he is athletic and attractive, doesn't make it any easier for me when we are out in public. I do feel self conscious sometimes when a hot woman passes by, jealous too when she makes men turn heads
I did appreciate my bf's honesty cause he told me he went and didn't hide it from me but I felt as if he had no respect for me or for what we have. I know you are not allowed to touch girls in strip clubs but stilllllllllllllll... it's something that is not acceptable to me at all !! I told him I did not want to control him and he was free to do whatever he wanted to do but he really hurt my feelings and made me feel really insecure by doing something like that.
He did apologize saying nothing happened and that he will never go to one of those places again 'cause of the way it makes me feel and 'cause of how he feels about me. He accepted that he was wrong to break my trust and that if I did something like that, he would blow his top!!
So I don't know, I guess it's just one of those things guys do?
Without thinking? You can't control them, they have their own bit of guy pressure maybe? As long as you can talk it out, and let them know how you feel.
(I'm glad I came across this thread, kinda made me vent too! )
Thank you guys for your input. Ultimately hearing what you all had to say made me feel better. I still feel a twang of jealousy, as weird as that sounds since these aren't girls he knows, but reading your views and realising that a) men are men and they love the womens, b) it can go both ways and c) I shouldn't worry anyway because he loves me and I'm the one he's coming home to at the end of the day.
We had another talk about my insecurities and the way the pictures made me feel, but mainly it was about the topic of my weight loss. At this point I need to accept that I am losing weight to look good, while good health is a happy bonus it's not the driving force behind why I'm trying to lose weight. So because of the vanity aspect to my weight loss his opinions and words mean a lot more to me considering he's the only person who sees me body for real. It was a good talk and I'm glad we had it.
While he did say he would stop saving pictures I noticed that he hadn't deleted the ones he already had. Do I drop it and trust him or do I remind him?
SecondHalf – Yeah, sure is complicated. Thanks for your input, I said that pretty much just hope he’s got rid of them.
GlamourGirl – Thanks for sharing your experience, sounds like you’ve got an amazing husband! My boyfriend is very sensitive when it comes to his freedom, which is fine I guess, but sometimes I feel like he can let his own instinctual emotions cloud his vision so to speak so he can’t see my point of view until I drill it in. Your response to Jelbb’s suggestion really made me happy, especially your husbands reaction. I guess I feel like I have to compete with the drop dead gorgeous women that I could never look sexy in pictures compared to them…more comparisons more problems!
Kaplods – It was interesting reading your response, I too have the habit of dragging old dirt back into the picture. It’s a bad habit for sure. I’m more of a sexual person than he is physically, but I think he’s exposed to pictures of hot girls than I am hot men so it’s a bit complicated.
Dott – Things have mellowed out, thankfully! I am a bit more insecure because of it, which I’ve told him, and he’s said he’s going to be careful. I’m sure with time and some mental strengthening I’ll feel secure with him but for now I can’t help but think back to his type.
Jelbb – I know how you feel about ethnicity preferences, my boyfriend actually finds half Asian women to be the penultimate definition of sexy visually speaking. I know that my personality and our friendship has given me a one up on those women, but since I am a looks driven person at this point in my life I can’t help but feel lesser than those girls. You’re right though, it does go both ways. I wouldn’t mind dating Ryan Gosling, but I still would choose my boyfriend because of the connection we share. I really do need to push down the insecurity levels, it’s a continuing struggle that I deal with in all areas of life unfortunately and always have.
I’ve actually taken some thought into your idea of taking a few pictures, and I would be totally up for doing that! I think I might wait until I’m a bit more comfortable with myself (probably after a few weeks of working out and eating right – yay endorphins!) then I will give it a go. I would really appreciate your touch ups, I will definitely get in touch! Thank you so much for your response.
Lbsgobyebye – That would REALLY bug me!! Not sure how you manage, I’m really self conscious so I would be comparing myself to anyone with a flat belly. See, that’s the part of myself that I hate the most so that’s all I see! Faces I’m not really bothered about just bodies I guess. You’re right though, it’s wrong to rub it in a girls face =/
Odd Duck – Thanks for your response, it was really to the point and made me see things clearly. Love the quote, I know a similar one (surprisingly after this rant!) “I’m on a diet but I can look at the menu” But really, thank you. You broke it down in a way that was the slap that I needed. Thank you for your compliments too, that was unexpected but awesome <3.
Krampus – Yeah, you’re right, I do have a good’n! It does go both ways, I guess I just get so overwhelmed with my own paranoia that I almost forget about the bigger picture if that makes sense.
Seize the day – Thankfully we have talked about the situation since then and he’s been really understanding.
Lostinstatic – Addictions are addictions…it’s a difficult illness and just because it’s watching porn doesn’t mean it’s not as serious as other addictions. I remember watching an episode of Miami Ink and a guy got a tattoo to celebrate that he had broken a porn addiction, at first the artist was like “lols” but when he went into detail he realised that it wasn’t a laughing matter. There are probably groups that he could attend to talk about it with other people, if it is that serious.
Nitrus – Hmm, that’s tricky. I think he could have succumbed to peer pressure. Strip clubs are an illusive thing, I’m not sure how I’d feel. I think I trust my boyfriend enough to know that he’s not going to dump me based on a trip to the strip club, nor do I think he would ever cheat on me with a stripper. It is a tricky situation though because it is naked women in the flesh, but you’re right you can’t touch. How did the strip club make him feel? Did he enjoy it? Or did it make him feel awkward? If it’s the latter then I wouldn’t give him a hard time, I’d worry if he loved to go and continually went behind your back.
I remember I went to see magic mike with some girlfriends of mine. Not by any choice of my own. They were going to see it and I hadn't seen them in a long time. Well I felt wrong for going to see it and my fiancée made me feel so guilty for seeing it. He later apologized and realized how wrong he was especially since the porn had been a problem for quite a while already. I guess I can turn it off easier than others. I've stopped looking at guys all together. I feel guilty just watching tv shows with men that I find attractive. I don't know if that's right or not.
This^ is a problem. My ex was like this. Flirted with all sorts of girls, both randoms and ones he knew, on Facebook etc. to the point of sexting, etc. but if I went to a movie with an attractive guy in it, he would move into the "Bet you wish you could dump me for him.." and/or insinuating I was promiscuous/unfaithful because I was "Lusting" after other guys. Ridiculous.
Eventually, I learned that this was a form of manipulation brought on by his own insecurities and that his flirtation etc. was his desperate need for validation.. etc. Which is sad, and pathetic, and for a long time I tried to work things out, until I realized that it sucked that he had problems, but that I couldn't waste my life feeling guilty because I had an attractive male server at a restaurant, or because one of my GAY friends is attractive, or because my friend's boyfriend is attractive, etc.
People don't change until they are ready to admit that they have a problem, and dedicate themselves to working on it. It might be a good idea to evaluate your situation, and make some decisions about yourself and the relationship. You cannot go through life on pins and needles because of someone else's insecurities. Now, i'm not saying you are in this situation, you and your SO may very well be able to work things out and live happily ever after, just food for thought. I wouldn't want anyone else to fall victim to the poor decisions I made in a previous relationship. Good luck!
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Originally Posted by krampus
Just food for thought - wouldn't this make you feel better that it was someone who could never look like you, instead of knowing your SO had an exclusive preference for your race/ethnicity and watched porn starring super-hot women who could resemble you?
My dude has dated every ethnicity except mine and has a slight preference for women with darker skin tones; this makes me feel better about the whole thing.
That is a good way to think about it, and something I am going to file away when the insecurities bubble up, thanks!
That being said, I think my situation is tricky because my BF and I were friends long before we started dating, and even lived together platonically as roommates for a year before we moved into our own separate places and started dating.
In that time many, many people asked us why we didn't date, and his common response was that I wasn't his "type" based on his lack of attraction for me, and that he really only dated girls with looks xy and z, and of different ethnic backgrounds than my own. This was especially high lighted when we lived together, and many people asked "isn't it awkward? Don't you worry about developing feelings etc.?"
And again, he would laugh it off as "Definitely not his type etc." which he reinforced by dating a variety of different girls, all who fit into the description of his "type" while we lived together etc.
Now, granted, I had a boyfriend pretty much that whole time (see above response to lostinstaticx), and when he asked me out, I addressed the many, many times he talked about his lack of attraction for me and how I'm not his type. He replied by saying that he knew I was with someone else, and wasn't an option, and especially while living together, he wanted to reassure me and my then BF, that he wasn't going to try anything.
He also claims that it was a defense mechanism because he figured that we would never end up together, and that it was his way of convincing himself that he didn't want us to be together/convincing other people who suspected his interest and continued to pressure him about it.
To some degree, I believe him. I know he is attracted to me, and we have a great relationship. On the other hand, he is still friends with a few of his ex's including the one he held up as "The most beautiful person he had ever seen in real life" (a latina girl) as well as a few friends that he never dated, but used to go on and on about in the "I wish I could be with her but she is out of my league, etc." (also within his "type" profile).
As I mentioned in my first post, he has moved away from speaking with these girls as much, largely because their relationships were built on flirtation, etc. and that made me incredibly uncomfortable, especially in the case where he was flirting etc. with girls he used to pine about "not having a chance with" while we lived together.
I know it's petty, and I try not to dwell on it. We have been in a largely happy relationship for almost 2 years, that was built on a foundation of friendship and caring about each other, so in the grand scheme of things I count myself fairly lucky. But insecurities are insecurities, and when someone tells people they aren't attracted to you, for years and years, even if they claim that they were lying, it's still hard to get past.
yeah, I'd probably slit my husband's throat, but we're both kind of insecure. he knows better than to do anything like that anyway. I've never caught him looking at porn or oogling anyone else, he's super gentlemanly and he's getting plenty of hoo-ha at home. I've asked him if he's ever seriously jerked off since we've been living together (we were long distance before we moved in together) and he said no, he has no desire, nothing is like sex with me. what a good kid. anyway, if he does it again and you've expressed your discomfort and dislike, then there's a problem. but I don't know if you've ever set those boundaries before. I'm very open with my husband about things that really bother me. it's just respectful to not cross those lines.
While he did say he would stop saving pictures I noticed that he hadn't deleted the ones he already had. Do I drop it and trust him or do I remind him?
It sounds like you guys came to a good conclusion, so I'd say trust that he meant what he said and let it go. He probably hasn't even looked at them for days, they are just there hanging around until he gets around to deleting them!
You can always check a month or two from now and see if he has new pictures...if he doesn't have any new ones, you know you don't have to worry about the old ones.
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Lbsgobyebye – That would REALLY bug me!! Not sure how you manage, I’m really self conscious so I would be comparing myself to anyone with a flat belly. See, that’s the part of myself that I hate the most so that’s all I see! Faces I’m not really bothered about just bodies I guess. You’re right though, it’s wrong to rub it in a girls face =/
Well, he was/is always ready to go if I'm feeling randy, so I've never doubted that he does find me attractive. But I'm a redhead, and I literally cannot tan. He has said he finds asians and latinas particularly attractive - he likes their dark skin and hair - and I won't ever be anything other than the palest of the pale. But as we've been together longer, his tastes seem to have changed to paler and paler women...who look more and more like me. That has made it much more bearable.
I'm glad to hear you two have worked this out, I hope things continue to go well for you!
Ok, so I read your post and I have a similar problem in the opposite way. I am heavy, and I have gained alot of weight since my and my BF have been together the past 3 yrs. I am now at 250..ouch...that hurts seeing it down. So about my BF. He is a very good looking guy, fit, sexy...when we first got together he hid his drinking from me. I was 180 then. Depression and losing my job hit me along with his drinking. supposedly he is sober now. I still don;t trust him. He was very insecure then and had lots of women calling him all the time. He'd would say things like he can;t relate to men and has lots of women friends. Supposedly that doesnt happen now but how can I really make sure? H works with women and women and women!!! most of his contacts are women and he says it is all business. Well anyway, he says he likes heavy women, that I am. I don't like me though. I think in my past I have gained weight to get men away from me. So, I have found that he is looking at fat mexican women on the computer. I am white. And he is looking at torture on women. That really disturbs me and I dont know how to bring it up. I think I have lost respect for him in light of this. I dont know what to do. Please help me!
Loosey, this is going to sound cliche but I think you really need to consider counseling (I am a bit biased as I do have a master's degree in psychology, though not counseling psych, but developmental psych).
Normally, I would recommend couples/relationship counseling before individual counseling, but not when there's this much reason to be distrustful. You have a lot of good reasons to be concerned. It's possible that his interest in other women and torture porn or BDSM could be something he'd never actually act upon, but the history of substance abuse and lying about it raises some red flags that I think worth discussing with an objective third party.
I told him I did not want to control him and he was free to do whatever he wanted to do but he really hurt my feelings and made me feel really insecure by doing something like that. 
That has made it much more bearable.
