Sorry in advance if this sounds like I'm rambling! So I wanted to get some advice from everyone on how they've balanced their social life and their weight loss.
It's Saturday night and I've chosen to stay in. For the last couple of weekends I've chosen to stay in instead of go out with friends. All of my friends are out tonight at bars or clubs having a good time but lately I have no interest in any of this activity. The thought of going out drinking just doesn't really appeal to me much right now. I'm very focused on my weight loss and although I can still go out and not drink and have a good time-I'd much rather stay home. Which is very unlike me. I used to be somewhat of a "party girl."
My friends know I'm sort of trying to lose weight. Its not something I've really discussed with them (or really anyone). My friends also happen to be a wild bunch and their antics (going out all the time and drinking) just haven't been that appealing to me since I've really started to commit myself to losing weight.
None of them have said anything about my choice to not go out-they've been really accepting of it lately. But I'm wondering if eventually they won't be and we'll grow apart. So my question is: did you find that the more committed you were to your weight loss-the more you felt like you were losing your social life or alienating friends?
So my question is: did you find that the more committed you were to your weight loss-the more you felt like you were losing your social life or alienating friends?
Depends. There's different types of friendships.
Some are of the soul -- for life. These are pretty darn rare.
Some are of geography or age/stage. These are way more common.
Like you are friends because you are in highschool together but then not after grad because you go to separate colleges.
Friends as coworkers, but not after one moves to a new company.
Or you are friends while you share a hobby/interest like this bar hopping thing. And once you lose interest, you find actually... there wasn't a whole lot in common there past that.
It happens. It nobody's fault. People come in to your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And knowing the life time type is rare, maybe the season is just over on this batch.
Maybe start making new friends that match your current interests in health and fitness? Rather than wild party stuff?
Thanks, astrophe. I think what worries me the most is I THOUGHT these friends were for a lifetime since we've all been such good friends for so long (years). But even as I get older, despite the whole weight loss thing, I feel like maybe all we did have in common was "going out." Its just a hard realization to come by.
That said, if you want to try to proactively maintain these relationships / explore what depth is there, beyond the going out together - offer alternative socializing opportunities. Even if you're pretty sure they wouldn't want a night-in instead of going out on Saturday, then what about offering to do something else on, say, Sunday afternoon?
That's a good idea Desiderata. And to clarify-we don't only go out and party. This particular group of friends (there's four of us) go out to lunch together, we take trips together, etc. We're close. However, it seems like lately all they want to do is go out and party. Or maybe it isn't lately? Maybe I'm just noticing it now more that I'm trying to be healthy?
I think maybe I also need to be open about how important it is to me right now to lose weight. Like I said before they don't really know. Maybe if I'm more open with them about it I can gauge how true of a friendship we really have.
Yep, apostrophe is right. This thing with the friendship will continue to happen throughout your life. It's natural. There are many types of friendships, and over the course of time, people will drift in and out of your life. Enjoy your time with them for what they are.
You are not a bad person for moving in a different direction. It is nice that the friends you've had have not sabotaged your efforts. Give them credit for that. Eventually, they'll want to stop partying too, for a variety of reasons. What you have going for you is that you made the conscious choices on your own behalf. You have goals, you're taking care of yourself. All good!
So how do you want to shape your social circle of friends now? Do you want to be around people who are more into fitness and health? Do you want to connect with people with different interests? You might want to check into MeetUp.com to see what's available in your area.
I have had to change out nearly all my friends over the years, a few times over. Just depended on where life took me. Some relationships should have just drifted away, but that darn Facebook won't let me quit them, or them me! I've hung on to the really good ones and they will remain strong for a long time for more than we just loved to go shopping together or our kids went to taekwondo together. My really good friends and I have been there for each other through tough times as well as joyful ones. I have one friend who has been a very good friend for 25 years (through several divorces and raising kids) and another was my best friend in middle school, then we lost touch after high school and now, 30 years later, we're right back to being really good friends on a much deeper level. You never know where life is going to take you or who is going to be a good friend.
From experience, I've found that only the really good friends are the ones I want to discuss my weight loss journey with. There were people in my life that needed me to be fat and they just got really mean as I lost weight. Others who didn't talk to me at all when I weighed 50 lbs more suddenly want to be friendly. Others have all sorts of ridiculous advice on losing weight when they've only tried to lose 5 to 10 lbs and have no idea what losing a lot more means.
I agree with much that's been said, and I think your idea of opening up about weight loss is a good one. I bet your friends will be understanding. In the past, when I'd try to lose weight, it was almost like a secret-- I didn't want to bother anyone my issues. But when I share (and it's not a lot), I feel little sparks of support, and it helps.
I've also found that my want to go out and party has ebbed not just with various weight loss efforts but with age as well. I'm definitely knocking on that age where I just don't feel the same pull to drink/party/feel like **** the next day. I've had to rethink how I hang out with some friends, suggested things like plays, farmer's markets, berry/apple picking, walks, etc. instead of the old bar-hopping.
Friendships do go sour over the years. You might find maybe you weren't as close as you thought you were or didn't have a lot in common as you though. I think it would be good to open up about your weight loss to your friends. I'm sure they could be more supportive about your decisions regarding going out.
From my experience, I don't go out too often myself. It's more due to money issues more than anything. I'm sure if I did, I would go out more often but not 2/3 times a week like my friends would do on the weekends. Ever since I started my weight loss, I've been more wary about the calories, fats, carbs, sugars etc in drinks and I find it off putting going out and having a few drinks and going off plan by a lot.
My friends know I'm trying to lose weight - some of them has started a health kick themselves and they call me boring for not going out with them. It doesn't bother me with them calling me that. I rather say in than go out getting hammered nowadays. I wouldn't say I'm alienating friends or anything. I've committed myself to better eating so if I'm offered something that I shouldn't have, I will refuse and I've committed myself to doing my exercise routine at least 6 days a week but regardless of these, I still see my friends most days and spend time with them. As far as going out drinking, not so much anymore.
Have you considered hosting a get together in your house, on your terms, while trying to meet some of their terms as long as it doesn't compromise your diet? That might be able to tell you more about what is going on.
Also, not to you to be around unnecessary food and drink, but you may consider going to an outting with them to maintain some activity in your life, especially with people you enjoy. As you have changed over your dieting experience, it may be that your way of enjoying "going out" has changed too.
It can be difficult when you make that kind of a lifestyle change. I rarely go out to bars drinking and carrying on these days, but when I do it's usually with my fiance and/or best friend, and they both live in different states. I tend to save my outings like that for when I see them/special occasions.
Because of that, a lot of my friends around here have stopped inviting me out. I will admit that sometimes it's hard, and I mourn those friendships that I wasn't able to hang onto, but I realize that it is because we really only had drinking and partying to bring us together in the first place.
For my friends that I still see, we do other things; we see movies, shop, and do physical activities. I still love the other guys but going out and trashing my body every weekend just isn't worth trying to hang on to a friendship that might not really be there. It just isn't part of my lifestyle. I think everyone grows out of it eventually, and for me, that time is now.
My best friend, fiance, and real girlfriends think I'm fun and enjoy being around me even when I'm *gasp!* sober, and those are the friendships that last.
Sorry in advance if this sounds like I'm rambling! So I wanted to get some advice from everyone on how they've balanced their social life and their weight loss.
It's Saturday night and I've chosen to stay in. For the last couple of weekends I've chosen to stay in instead of go out with friends. All of my friends are out tonight at bars or clubs having a good time but lately I have no interest in any of this activity. The thought of going out drinking just doesn't really appeal to me much right now. I'm very focused on my weight loss and although I can still go out and not drink and have a good time-I'd much rather stay home. Which is very unlike me. I used to be somewhat of a "party girl."
My friends know I'm sort of trying to lose weight. Its not something I've really discussed with them (or really anyone). My friends also happen to be a wild bunch and their antics (going out all the time and drinking) just haven't been that appealing to me since I've really started to commit myself to losing weight.
None of them have said anything about my choice to not go out-they've been really accepting of it lately. But I'm wondering if eventually they won't be and we'll grow apart. So my question is: did you find that the more committed you were to your weight loss-the more you felt like you were losing your social life or alienating friends?
Eventually if you keep holding yourself back or staying in, they will get used to going out without you and it's very possible you grow apart. This is why I'd advise you to plan as many daytime dates as you can. My friends all begged me to come, and though I couldn't drink cos of my diet, I went out with them anyway, I just chose not to drink. I'm a social person so I know I don't have to be drunk to have a good time, and I did end up having a good time.
Weight loss is usually such a big change for your family and friends, and I feel like they would feel like all of you is changing (both inside and out) if you kind of pull away from them.
In my personal experience, I learned that it really depends on the type of relationship you have with your friends. My close circle of friends are those that I can count on through thick and thin. These are the people I involve in my everyday life, and then there are those that I link up with to just hang out or 'party'. Those that are in your 'inner' circle should know how you feel, should know that you are on a healthier path, and be supportive of that. That may mean that they won't get to party with you as often, but it shouldn't drive you apart. Partying isn't the key to a friendship, bonding is. And they can appreciate your time during other activities, like lunch or casual outings. So, things can drift apart unless you don't let them or because that was your common interest. But, believe me those that are there for more than just a good time will remain and you will know those are true.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice! I need to be proactive about not only making alternative plans with my friends but sharing with them how important my weight loss is to me. I have a feeling some of them will understand and support me and the others-I don't expect them to change their lives for me. But at least I know where I stand with them. Thanks again-I really appreciate you all sharing your experiences with me.
I find socializing can be hard because most people I know like to socialize with food and only that. Activities that don't involve food aren't all that appealing to them, unless its followed by going out to eat. So for me at least - its harder to hang out with people since I know I won't order anything if its a restaurant without a bland salad option - and even that is unappealing because its so much money for a head of lettuce! haha.
I do think that you can maintain a social life and still lose weight, just like how you can keep all foods in your diet and lose weight, but I have never been a moderation type person and many foods and situations trigger me (plus I wanted to lose weight on the faster side, so every cal counts to me), so having a harder time bonding with others has been a consequence.
Its not too bad with friends that I talk to a lot because I can just get a coffee and talk to them, but its harder to make new friends because I find that people I know warm up to me faster when we are eating big, full restaurant meals together. I get funny stares when I order a salad. (also I hate salads)
Alienating friends?
So I wanted to get some advice from everyone on how they've balanced their social life and their weight loss.
