Lose this. Don't take some teen boy's comment and have it affect your ADULT dating life. He was a kid. What does he know about real life? Or dating? He too was just starting out back then. Don't carry that burden around.

Remember QTIP -- (Q)uit (T)aking (I)t (P)ersonally.

You just do it. I was asked out ONCE at 14 to a 9th grade prom and I was so terrified of such a high profile gig I said no. It did not even occur to me at that age to negotiate for a less stressy first date like a movie!

Then in later high school and college I got fed up waiting and started just doing the asking myself.

I'd tell myself -- "It's not MARRIAGE. It's just a coffee date for pete's sake! If they say no, at least they get the compliment that I thought they were cool."

So I got used to it -- just ask.

"Hey, I'd like to get to know you better. How about a date? And you can say no straight up. It won't hurt my feelings if you are already into someone else. We can go halfsies."

That gives them a smooth "out" if they need it. And there's no expectations of anything much at a coffee date where everyone picks up their own tab, right? Could just be friends having snack time. I get to move on without much time or emotion invested there -- whether they say no right off or if there's nothing clicking post coffee date.

Not every date is gonna be a long distance runner. YKWIM?

It's nobody's fault if they are already seeing someone or crushing elsewhere and wanting to stay open to the crushee.
It's nobody's fault if they are too gloomy still from a fresh break up. It's nobody's fault if we're better off as friendly rather than datey.

If someone goes "EWWWW! You are a martian!" and acts silly? Dude, that just saves ME the heartache and trouble of finding out LATER that they are immature dingbats from square one! I don't need to date dingbats.

Some guys found this "intimidating and scary" because I knew what I wanted and what I seeking. Or that I was upsetting the natural order somehow by doing the asking -- because women aren't supposed to ask. That's not my kind of guy, and in doing the asking it weeds out a lot them from the start. Again -- saves time.

Others found it "refreshing and cool" because they get tired of always doing the asking and being the ones to face rejection.

I had a lot of fun dating and that's how I met my husband. I did the asking.

A.

I don't think it's a terrible question. I met my DH at my highest weight at the time. I keep saying this again and again: not all men are interested in skinny chicks -- that is a fallacy that women need to get past. I had lots of attention from men at many different weights.

Heck, I'm getting lots of attention now and my DH is getting a bit peeved. I am not a flirty person, just friendly; I smile and laugh a lot. I accept myself; and even on those days I don't feel too great, I fake it. I pretend I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and honey, that attracts men. If you like you, so will they.

Forget the young, immature jerks of the past; they don't matter now. When you go to school, don't worry about who will be there; just go and enjoy yourself. Socialize and make friends -- that is often how people meet someone, when they are just having fun.

Now, I know this is a bit off topic, but I would reassess your goal weight; you are a tall girl and I think you would look great at somewhere between 150-175. When you get there, see how you look and feel. I have a close friend who is 5' 4" with a thin bone structure -- she weighs 140 lbs and is slim (just right for her). :hug:

My mom used to tell me (at 10yrs old) that no guy likes a fat girl. Well, I had no problems getting guys from a size 7 through a 20. It is all about confidence. If you are put together and know you have it all going on, then others will see it too.

BTW: I met my guy when I was up to a size 9 and ballooned to a 22 after the kids. He is the one who had a problem with the way I looked and figured no one else would look. Joke was on him when they did.

There is a guy out there for you, probably several under your nose. Make sure you're not using the "fat girl" excuse to hide from them. Much luck to you :)

I just wanted to throw another vote in for confidence is key. Also, I realize that there is no way that every man in the world will like me. I accepted that long ago and I think that would help you as well. I don't focus on the men that don't want me. I love me and I know I am worthy. I have been fat all my life and I have never had a problem with men. I meet them online, in person, through friends. I've always done better than my skinny friends as well.

The thing is I'm not the life of the party person or extra smiley. I'm more sarcastic and witty. They love it! They love my bluntness and when I do smile they go gaga. So smile more. For some reason really in shape or athletic dudes seem to love me. I also get the ones who have never dated a chunky chick. When I have asked why they said it was confidence and I had a glow about me. It's like it drew them in. Don't let immature men or shallow people define you. You don't have to lose weight to date. Guys will still be shallow and immature. That's life.

As far as me going after them, I can play it either way. I am good at knowing when I need to make the first move or when I need to let him chase. Sometimes I say nothing and make the guy who's too scared come over. Pulling dudes in with the eyes is a valuable skill.

First... lame.. but practice.
Sounds strange I'm sure, "Practice dating? WHAT?!!?" But that's what it is. I never dated until one day I just settled for the first and only guy to ever ask me. And... well... it left a lot to be desired, but at the same time, kissing and dating was, exciting. I wanted more, and wanted to find someone *awesome*

So, I practiced. Don't ask in the "creepy" way of "Hey person on the bus! We only shared 2 words... want to date me? I'M DESPERATE!" But in the nice way.

Grad school?! AWESOME! You should start talking to people in class, meet someone, ASK HIM. If he says no, don't take it personally. Move on, ask someone else.

Best way, in my opinion, online dating. OKcupid is where I met my current *amazing* boyfriend. Be honest on the profile, don't say yes to everyone... trust me... and prepare for rejection, awkward dates, and to reject some people.

Don't settle. Ever.

And I'm at the biggest I've ever been in my life, and if I had chose to not live now, then when? I think even if you are bigger, then what ever. Date, dance, go to bars, go to clubs, wear the outfits (as long as you're comfortable doing so).

Practice.
I've learned a lot, and most the time, the guy is scared of rejection too. Just be careful with the creepers, and follow online rules if you chose that route.

i loved reading everyone's responses. I feel exactly how the op feels it was great reading everyone's responses and helpful advice :)

I would say though that asking someone out is working out more in your countries than mine. :( Imagine living in a small Mediterranean island where a woman asking a man out is still considered that "she just wants to get laid" and that she is easy.

Currently it is getting frustrating for me as I have not dated for 4 years now and this is not because of the lack of confidence. If I knew that asking a guy out will be ok in my place I would have done it (I mean I did it during my studies in the uk) but nowI have to wait for the guy to make the first move, if he decides to make the first move. Also in my place on-line dating is considered a way to get one-night-stand so I have to throw that option out of the window as well.:mad:

Thanks eveyone! :) These responses are really helpful. I'll try to reach out more at grad school. I think I just have to learn to distance myself from rejection. :-/

Try having friends set you up on blind dates? Or perhaps get a wing man, and guy friends? Go out meet someone with your wing friend and then have some sort of signal that you want this guy to make a move. Leave to use the rest room and the wing man can swoop in. "Hey, do you like my friend? I can tell she's into you." then when you get back, maybe the guy you like will have enough confidence to ask you for a coffee.

Also, the wing man can't be too close... then people will think the two of you are dating and that you're not available. It also helps when two people are there to talk to someone solo. Ice breakers, less awkward moments, you know.

Confidence
 

Confidence, I'm pretty firm on the "fake it until you make it" method. Only in the beginning to get things started. I'm a pretty confident person, but I think if you own the situation, no one will know that you're scared out of your pants. After the conversation gets started, then there is the opportunity to get to know someone on a deeper level. When I met my husband, I was 15, overweight, mouth full of braces, and 75% of my body was covered in plaques from psoriasis. I walked right up to him and owned the conversation. Here we are 7 years later, happily married.

I completely understand wehre you are coming from..

I have a friend who is as big as me.. if not bigger and she found her hubby and is getting married.

I on the other hand have not dated in a VERY long time. Believe me it's not just YOU.. I do feel though if I was more outgoing and stuff I would get more guys. I guess I'm just scared of getting rejected so I don't even try. Like I was talking to this guy and he seemed like he was into me.. He ended up rejecting me pretty badly and moving to Florida.. (Ugh!) He's coming back and wants to hang out like soon.. Dont know if I should do that.. It hurt what he did to me.

Another time I actually did try to get a boyfriend back when I was younger.. We ended up dating for 3 months. (Wont go into that situation.. UGH.. lol)

I think it depends on where you are. If you are in an environment where men are more open to being attracted to a variety of bigger body types or prefer a bigger body type or body type isn't the biggest deciding factor for them, then I think you can do better in the dating game than if you are in an environment where men may exclusively prefer very thin bodies. In general, I find that in most places where I am, many men tend to be responsive if you are friendly, laid back and well-put together looking. I need to work on all 3 lol, I'm always in work-out sweats and glaring!

...but then why does everyone always say that love finds you when you stop looking? :?:

How you feel about yourself definitely comes across in your confidence level and overall energy you give off.

I was in a two-year-long relationship with a live-in boyfriend and he ended it by cheating on me with a mutual friend and ultimately breaking up with me for her.

A LOT went through my mind "She's really short, fat, ugly, looks like Harry Potter with a wig, etc. etc. etc." And in my HONEST unbiased opinion, she was ugly!

However, whenever we all would go BBQ at Lake Tahoe or any lake, she'd be sporting a bikini...and let me tell you, she looked 8 months pregnant. She was 'fun', outgoing and OBVIOUSLY confident. I'm not sure if that's exactly why he cheated on me for her -- because I'm really outgoing, fun, life of the party...She could have also been a manipulative slut. But w/e.

I feel that for him to have left me for that, I believe it had to have been more than manipulation.

You do have other options as well. I was watching an interesting documentary that talked about observational research that found that even when guys do all the asking, in most cultures the woman makes the actual first move - it's just not verbal. Most men wouldn't appropach a woman who hadn't made some sort of "I'm interested" gesture.

It varied from culture to culture (in some cultures even smiling or making direct eye contact might be seen as too bold - but there were still some type of gesture that showed that the woman had noticed and approved of the man).

Seeing this documentary really made me realize that part of the reason I often wasn't noticed, was that I often avoided making eye contact with men I didn't know, for fear that that they'd THINK I was interested and I'd be embarassed for them to think that.

I also realized that most of the times guy asked me out, I usually had at least noticed the guy (so he probably had noticed me noticing him and had taken it as a sign that I might say yes).

It also explains why I had much better "luck" with guys than many of my thinner, cuter friends. One of my sisters is a perfect example. She is much, much thinner than I, and much more beautiful as well. She's also extremely shy. She doesn't flirt and doesn't have any flirting-radar. When a guy flirts with her, she doesn't recognize it as flirting, and so she doesn't respond in a way that would encourage the guys to ask her out. She acts uninterested, because she's embarassed (I remember doing that when I was younger too, and with guys I was "too" interested in).

As confident as I've always been, I have often only openly flirted with guys I thought I had a chance at, or guys I wasn't "too" interested in. If I liked a guy too much, I was too afraid of rejection to flirt too openly.

Ironically, that bit me in the butt sometimes, because I'd sometimes learn later that the guy had liked me.

A case in point was the guy I liked before meeting my hubby. I thought I made it really clear that I was interested, although I did avoid asking him out, because we worked together and I thought it would be awkard between us if he said no (especially because he was an extremely shy and socially awkward guy).

I did make a lot of hints, but he never seemed to take any of them. I thought I was being so obvious, that I decided he wasn't interested. I later learned from a mutual friend (who knew of my crush) that the guy had been extremely disappointed to hear that I was engaged.

Now maybe he was interested and hadn't built up the nerve to ask me out, or maybe he wasn't interested and was just flattered to have someone interested in him, and was disappointed that if I could find someone, why couldn't he.


At any rate, don't underestimate the power of flirting - in whatever way your culture defines and accepts it. Pay attention to what other women are doing to attract the men who ask them out. My guess is that they're doing something to show the men they're interested. You could ask women, but they might not even realize they're doing it. In the American study, most of the women did not remember making any "first move." Sometimes they didn't even remember noticing or smiling at the guy and were surprised to see it on camera that they had."