Mean mom
 

So I met with my mother over lunch. It's important to point out here that my mom is not a very nice person, neither of my parents are, really. They're controlling and antisocial...I'd even go so far as to say toxic people. They despise my fiance because he comes from a poor family and think I can do better. They've refused to come to our wedding reception and are only coming to the ceremony because my grandpa shamed them into it.

Anyway, I keep in touch with my mom because she's a stay-at-home wife and gets lonely and I feel bad for her. We were talking about my upcoming wedding today and the subject of a dress came up. I told her that I'd like to go alone to pick my dress because I want to pick something for myself. (What I -didn't- say is that she always controlled all my decisions and bullied me via picking on my fragile self-image if I crossed her. Considering how much she approves of my upcoming marriage, it would have been a disaster if she had come). She said she doesn't care and wouldn't have come anyway in a huffy tone.

I felt relieved that it went so well, I had been fearing a dramatic outburst. She got a final jab in just as I was leaving. She said:

"By the way, remember that you're fat. Don't pick something too tight."

Self esteem shattered.

Toxic is right!! I can't believe she said that! Just remember that a bride looks good in any dress as long as she looks happy. :hug:

WOW! That is horrible! I am sorry she is being this way! She sounds like a bitter old woman.. I wouldn't let it bother you.

That is horrible :( I am sorry that your family is like that to you! It is good that you realize this is how they are and you can't change that, but don't let it get you down. I've noticed that the people that try to knock you down are just projecting their own insecurities on you.

I am sure you will look beautiful in your wedding dress! If I was you I would not let them come to the ceremony. If they cannot be happy for your why would you want them their on the most joyous day of your life? Unfortunately you cannot pick family, but you obviously don't need them if they bring this pain to your life.

:grouphug:

I am so, so sorry you've had to go through that.

On a discussion about strained parental relationships, someone on this forum recommended the books 'Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People who Drain you Dry" and "Toxic parents." Maybe it would help you to do some reading so you don't feel so alone.

I'm so sorry you're going through this during a very happy time in your life. Your parents should be happy for you, not shaming you. Don't listen to them. I'm sure you will be a beautiful bride!

:hug:

Oh that's horrible :(

Too bad you can't pick your parents eh?

Don't let her bring you down, be excited about your upcoming wedding! :D

OMG......TERRIBLE.

I don't know how I would have handled that one. Honeslty I would have cut my mother off if she treated me like that.

Dont let her hurtful words get to you.

Oh, honey. :hug:

Just remember, parents are just people, and sometimes they're sh*tty people. Your mom was simply going for the soft spot, the thing she knew would hurt you. If it was me I'd wear a perfectly fitted dress that I adored and looked AMAZEBALLS in, and just as I reached her seat on my march down the aisle, I'd lean in and whisper: "How do you like my fat *ss now?", and then just keep walking.

UGH sounds like my family. Its so illogical too - we spend 24/7 in our bodies, we are quite aware of them and we can dress our OWN bodies as we please!
As someone said, unfortunately we can't choose our families so I just want to say that I totally hear ya! Just know that its not you, its HER!

How is your relationship with your MIL? I loved mine!!! She passed away last year. Maybe she could do some shopping with you and you can actually have a wonderful happy memory of your wedding day dress decision?

Charmed

Sounds just like my family, hun. :hug::hug:

Remember you are beautiful just the way you are, regardless of your weight. And if your parents can't support you then please find people who can. You deserve only the best.

I'm with thundah on this one... I know you'll find an amazing dress and then they won't have a snarky comment for ya! :)

Hang in there!

I can't believe she said that!! Just remember that anything she says is a reflection of her, NOT you. *hugs*

Not to be an echo, but I am so sorry that happened to you. Still, I think the fact that you are limiting her influence on your life is a great and brave thing. It took me a long time to step back from my dysfunctional family, so you have my admiration.

As far as her last jab, don't let it get you down! You will be a beautiful bride, no matter what! Funny, I just posted something about wedding dresses and being fat, saying how I don't want to be a "fat bride". But at the end of the day, as long as your love sees you as the most beautiful person in the world, it doesn't matter if you wear a potato sack to your wedding as you will look beautiful! Love does that to people. So please remember that you are beautiful at whatever size you are and pick a dress that makes you feel like a princess. :hug:

My sister was around 300 pounds during her wedding, and when I saw her for the first time in her dress she took my breath away. She looked gorgeous, and I'm positive that it's a radiant bride thing having nothing to do with weight.

Your mother sounds like she's probably very unhappy with her own life and is choosing to take it out on you and the rest of the world. I've worked at a restaurant for 5 years, and I encounter so many ungrateful and downright rude customers. Initially, these encounters would bring me down and really throw me off, but I've learned to let them serve as motivation to become an even kinder person. Let your mom's harsh words do the same. Let them motivate you to be the best friend, wife, mother (?), even stranger that you can, so that everybody can count on you to brighten their day!

Marry the heck out of your fiance, and surround yourself with people who lift your spirits rather than try and bring you down!

What a terrible, passive aggressive, cruel thing for her to do. I'm very sorry that happened to you. :hug:

:cheer::cp::cp:

i'm sorry that she said that to you. her remark was both cruel and useless.

at least you know that you are doing the right thing by leaving her out of wedding dress picking. it's your right to keep distance from your parents, considering that they seem toxic and pain inflicting. it's okay to care for them from afar.

That's horrible, I'm sorry your mother would say such a thing.. is she really somebody you want in your life? I know it's difficult when it's your family but it's important to take care of yourself.

when mom folks say something that hurts or p!sses me off I hold a mirror up to them (not an actual mirror )
I repeat what they just said that hurt me an than ad...wow, thats a supper cruel thing to say to someone you love, its a good thing I grew up hearing such hurtful statements from you regularly or you may have just damaged our relationship....altho it would be nice to for once not dread visiting you...


lol, its a way to repeat what they said so they can hear what fell out of their mouth/ throw a jab back at them/ let them know you wish things where different

but sadly some folks just dont change or grow

I'm so sorry. It is absolutely INSANE to me that a mother would say such a thing to her daughter!

Why put yourself through this? Cut your mom out of your life. There is no reason to subject yourself to this toxicity just because you're related.

So I told my fiance about what happened and he said "that sucks..." before looking back down at his laptop. After being pampered with so much encouragement on the forum I was hoping for a little more than that. I sulked a little and then got over it.

Later that evening he sits down next to me and shows me this on his laptop:

http://www.maggiesottero.com/dress.a...eywordType=All

He had emailed some boutiques to see if anyone had this to available to try on. I'm going this weekend to take a look at it with my "man-of-honour" and best girly friend. I'm not saying this is the dress I will pick, frankly I don't think my brain will ever be ready to be in something that slinky. But, the gesture really touched my heart!

awwww that sounds so much like my hubby ~ sounds like you have a keeper :)

glad to see that you didnt let her get you down for too long <3

Beautiful gown !

jaw dropper!
 

I love the bride shows on tlc, and they show a lot of frankenstien mamma's (I'm not talking about looks, either), but your story still dropped my jaw.
I know I'm not alone in agreeing with Thunda... maybe with one slight addition:
when you get to the good part: SHOW HER HOW ITS DONE!!! :devil:

What an evil woman, kudos to you for sparing her fragile feelings you are much stronger than what she is, and she's obviously jealous of something that you have going for you. Im sorry you have to go thru that

I'm not sure why you pity such an awful person. I would cut her out of my life if my Mum was like yours. What kind of parents don't want to see their kid get married?

You're right - they're toxic. So my advice would be stop allowing yourself to be poisoned.

You're beautiful, amazing and you're getting married. Don't let your self esteem be shattered by a horrible woman.

She is probably mad because you're in love and about to marry a wonderful man, money or no money. She probably regrets not finding more happiness for herself and now that you are doing it for yourself she can't stand it. You've already lost 10lbs (going by your info under your avatar) and she could probably tell that you're starting to lose weight so she went after you.
My mother can be negaive, but never just outright mean. You said they are not going to the reception, I would try to look on the bright side, she can't ruin your good time if she isn't there. I'm sorry that your own mother would be so mean. So sorry that you have to go through this, don't let it derail you tho.

Wow, that is an awful thing to say to anybody! It's definitely hard to just let go on these sorts of comments, especially when you are self conscious about your body image.

I think you're a very kind person for doing things with her because she gets lonely! If I had someone like that in my life, I don't think I'd be able to stick the awful attitude they have. She sounds extremely spiteful and childish. I would try and let what she said not get to you and just tell yourself that you are working at your weight and won't let people who say those comments get you down.

Remember, you are beautiful no matter what other people think! :)

That is terrible! But you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

Also, I kind of disagree with most of the posts on here. It isn't that easy to just "cut out" your parents from your life!!! All the posts kind of make it sound like that's an easy/obvious thing to do! Well I disagree. It's not easy to just abandon family even when they act/behave in less than desirable ways.

I actually like the post that said maybe each time she says something like that you could say something along those lines...like "Just so you know, comments like that DO hurt my feelings and I hear enough comments like that from the outside world believe me. It would mean the world to me if you could try your best to restrict yourself to only saying loving and supporting things to me"

In all actuality, her behaviour is unlikely to change. But at least you'll be sticking up for yourself. As well, many people have 'verbal diarrhea' and don't even realize how often they say hurtful things. I think it is important for her to realize how often she is putting you down.

As deep down I am sure she loves you and would feel guilty (even if she keeps that a well-hidden secret!) if you made her realize how much she affects your self-esteem.

Omg that dress is GORGEOUS! I just pinned it on Pinterest hahah!

I think if my mother was like that all of the time, I wouldn't have her be a part of my life because she doesn't deserve to be a part of it. And if my mother had said something to me like that, I probably would have confronted her right then and there, explaining to her that she never has anything nice to say and that if she wants to be a part of my life then she should start acting like she wants it.

Don't let her bother you. Don't let her bring you down, this is supposed to be one of the most happiest times of your life! Live it up, girl!