I was over 260 when I got married and also swore I'd lose weight by that day. You get to choose how you feel about yourself. You get to choose your happiness level.

I knew everything wasn't going to be perfect. I could be thinner...yada, yada, yada. But I told myself that I was beautiful. I chose to see the best in me. I didn't get my ideal dress because of my LARGE arms. But, I did find the perfect 3/4 length sleeve dress with the most AMAZING pearls down the back and a train that took my breath away. My husband, then fiance, knew what I looked like. And he was there...at the altar...wanting to marry me...ALL of ME. And 13 years later...he's still here.

Remember, you get to choose our day, your feelings and your emotions.

:hug:

Michigan Jen, I so feel for you.

My wedding date is October 13th of this year. Right now, I weigh about 325 pounds, give or take a pound depending on the day. I am mortified at the thought of walking down the aisle like this. I've been dress shopping and we are probably going to have to order a size 32 - the biggest gown I can possibly order without having something made custom or buying more fabric for a seamstress to let it out.

I'm going to try to lose weight, but I've made peace with who I am today. My fiancee proposed to me at my heaviest, and we've had a wonderful 10 years together already. He loves me, and I don't think he's a foolish person, so maybe I should love myself, too.

I really hope you can make peace in the same way. Making peace is not giving up.


This really concerns me:

PLEASE get on top of that right away. I hate to worry you but wedding dresses can take a LONG TIME to order. My best friend's mother is getting remarried on May 6th. She is a plus sized woman, and she was paralyzed by fear of shopping for her wedding dress, as well.

I went out with them two weekends ago, and we found some really beautiful dresses that will look lovely when ordered in her size. (And they can be taken in if she loses weight between now and then.) But her choices were limited not mostly by her size, but by how long she waited. Just this Monday, she was quoted May 25th arrival for her dress on normal order, and April 21st if she rush orders. That leaves scarcely two weeks for alterations, something that's pretty costly, if not impossible. Some gowns were out of the running simply because they could not be ordered in such a short timeframe.

So please, please find some trusted girlfriends and do the research and choose your gown. I know you are dreading it. I was dreading it, and the first place I went I felt so unhuman. But there are shops that can help you, you just have to give them enough time.

I'm going through the same thing, so please message me if you ever need to talk, vent, or anything else. I know your wedding day will be beautiful, even if you don't know it yet.

I also think postponing the wedding is horrible advice. As is expecting your wedding day to be "the happiest day" of your life, because that basically means you expect it's going to be "all downhill from there."

I got extremely good advice early on from a pessimistic friend "your wedding will be one of the most stressfull, nightmarish days of your life, but the good news is it will go by so fast, you'll hardly remember any of it."

My husband and I were determined to make our wedding inexpensive, low-key and FUN, and it was (and it still was stressful and went by so fast, I hardly remember it).

I was also at my highest weight ever (394 lbs) and my hubby at was near his highest weight (over 400 lbs) and we looked FREAKIN' FANTASTIC. We look great, because we looked happy. We made the day about what it's supposed to be about - expressing our love and commitment to each other and sharing the moment with people who were important to us. Not impressing people we didn't really like, or creating magazine-quality airbrushed glamour shots.


I wish you hadn't postponed getting your dress, because last-minute dress shopping (especially if you're not a size 8) ends up being about finding something that fits, not finding something you look good in.

Consider having your gown custom-made. I was extremely lucky to have worked with a very talented seamstress who made my gowns when I was a bridesmaid in three other weddings. I never would have been a bridesmaid if I had friends who wanted "perfect" wedding pictures.

I did have one close friend who left me out of her wedding party, and we still would have remained close friends if she hadn't felt the need to justify her actions. She apologized that she couldn't invite me, because I would have "ruined" her wedding pictures, and she hoped I understood.

By having my wedding gown custom-made, I was able to have a gown made that flattered my figure. Even at 394 lbs, this wasn't all that difficult. If there's one thing "big girls" usually rock, it's the bust-line. So my gown was fitted in the bust, with a square neckline (that I wish would have been lower, to show more cleavage). It had a bit of a ren-fair feel, with a soft, flowing skirt and butterfly sleeves.

The seamstress sat down with me and helped me design my dress to flatter me. And it was actually cheaper and faster to have done than the ugly dresses I could afford. I did have my dress made in less than 4 months, but I got married in November - not a hugely popular wedding month.

I chose ivory rather than white, but if I were to do it again, I would have chosen an almost-white, pastel blue. Or at least a white with a blue-ish cast. I know it's not traditional, but most shades of blue flatter my complexion, and white and ivory don't.


Don't be brainwashed into thinking that you have to look perfect or that your wedding day has to be perfect in every detail, and must run perfectly. No matter what you do, it won't be perfect. And it won't be the happiest day of your life, unless you marry a man you shouldn't be with.

You don't want your wedding day to be the happiest day of your life. You want it to be the start of something even more amazing.

Also to be honest, I've known a lot of women who married at their lowest weight ever, (only to regain after the wedding), and what do people say when they see the photos - "Oh, you were so thin/beautiful in this picture." In other words, if you look your absolute best in your wedding photo - it also means "it's all down hill" from there.

In contrast, people tell me how beautiful I look in my wedding photos ('because we look so happy and in love,") AND they also tell me how amazing I look NOW and how "not too many women get to say they look better ten years later than they did on their wedding day.

;):hug:
Jen - You are going to be BEAUTIFUL. There are many events I have dreaded going to because I was going to be too big, and the dress wouldn't fit me right...namely every one for the last 15 years lol.

The thing is, although I can totally understand your frustration and fear, you have to put it aside. You have a man who loves you enough to start the rest of your lives together so soon...and to suggest you delay to get into a smaller size is insulting to him, and totally undercuts you. You will rock the wedding, so don't worry so much. :D

Like the other lovely wonderful people who posted suggested, create a diet and exercise plan that you can stick to before the wedding - even a small victory will make you feel a little on top of your game. Find a dress that suits your shape - NOW - b/c last minute wedding dress shopping is a nightmare.

And focus on all that other crzy bride stuff that will keep you up at night. Promise, once you start planning the wedding,your weight will be the least of your worries.;)

Lastly, lots of love from this end - you'll make it through! And you'll lose the weight in time.

I'm so sorry you're dreading your wedding. Like the others have said, though, you can lose some weight before then, and you'll feel SO much better.

I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding last summer and had meant to lose a TON of weight for it but I ended up about the same distance away as you and had lost none. So I ended up losing about 40 pounds, and I felt much better than I did before. (Of course I ended up gaining it back, which makes me feel terrible, but that's not the point here :p)

I suggest you do everything you can to not just lose weight but become healthier and stronger, and I really think you'll be happy with yourself at the wedding. When you start working out and lose weight, your body changes in more ways than weighing less, and your mind changes, too.

I'm just telling her what *I* would do if it were me. Of course she will be beautiful whatever weight she is, of course it is her day and all that but if it were me I would not feel good on that day if all I could worry about was my weight. I would not want to look back on that day and only be able to remember how fat and uncomfortable I felt.

I didn't tell her she's fat and should push back the wedding. If it were an overweight person saying they were getting married and they didn't care one iota about their weight I would wish them well, absolutely. BUT she came in her saying that she wasn't comfortable with her weight and she was fearful about the coming day.

I just know I've had very many events ruined because my weight was all I could think about. How is that fun? Everyone loves to say "oh, just focus on your day, it'll be great" yeah......ok. How can you possibly have a good time when all you feel is fat?

I definitely see your logic. I know when I'm feeling really fat it can distract me from enjoying otherwise fun occasions (the same goes for bad hair days and big zits).

It seems that the bride has been engaged for 2 years with the plan of taking off weight. From her post I gather she has steadily put it on rather than taken it off. Maybe the pressure of a goal date is causing her to stress eat rather than encouraging her to lose? I'd suggest just focusing on finding a flattering dress for her current shape. She still has 4 months to lose if she wants to.

We all work differently. Maybe a later date would encourage you personally, but it might just give her extra anxiety. She might do better just enjoying the current date and the fiance that loves her at her present weight and celebrating the weight loss separately when it happens. No use putting life on hold.

I went through this two and a half years ago. I was about 275 when I got married and it didn't matter, I still felt beautiful. I don't like my wedding pictures very much because I think I look like a fat cow but that's life :-P I don't ever like pictures of myself though (I don't have low self esteem, I just hate how I look in pictures!). I'm glad I didn't postpone to lose more weight though, getting married was still something really special and a happy event. If my husband and I ever get to our goal weights I might get some pictures taken in some formal wear and put them on the wall next to our wedding picture. You can't change who you are now, and if he wants to marry you as you are then you shouldn't let your weight bother you on your wedding day. He loves you for a reason! Or she? haha! Have a wonderful wedding, go get that dress!

Weddings should be a time of happiness, but I understand how you feel. Last September I was in my best friends wedding and I had to go to the dress fitting with a bunch of other brides maids. I had the biggest size which was embarrasing because the women who worked there announced it. I think what it comes down to is trying to get more comfortable with yourself over the next few months before your wedding. Before you go dress shopping try saying to yourself," I know this may be an uncomfortable experience, but i'm going to deal with it in the best attitude I can". Tell the women your a little self concious and I'm sure they'll understand. Your husband already loves you and thinks your attractive, so as long as you show up at the wedding you'll make his day lol. Hope this helps a little. Best of luck.

Oh Free, I feel for ya. I have been there and can see both sides of this. On one side, of course you will be beautiful! But that does not change the fact that you had planned for this day to include a thinner you. I was you, 5 years ago I got married at my highest weight ever. While I had a great day and I didn't feel bad that day I definitely didn't like my photos. Our photographer had us do this crazy pose where I was all leaning way far back with my arm reaching out above my head and my husband holding me up... it is the most awkward picture ever! I don't know how this guy didn't realize this is NOT a pose for a larger lady. Anyway I didn't get to where I wanted to be and kept telling myself we would renew our vows at 10 years and get good pictures then. I sure hope you start to feel better about how you will look on your wedding day and remember that it isn't about the pictures, or the dress or anything but the two of you and how you feel for each other. You will be beautiful!

Oh my darling girlie. :hug: I can't add on much more perfect sentiment than some of the other wonderful things that have been said here, so I'll just pass on my own brand of supportiveness. (A brand highly reviewed as being helpful about 50% of the time :D)

Alright, number one-
If it weren't for the fact that you clearly are from Michigan, I would drag your *** out wedding dress shopping myself!!!! (Trip to Canada!? :D) Avoiding it!? Woman, this is your time to SHINE. I can tell you first hand from seeing myself and other girls try on dresses... your size is not the issue. Only finding the right dress. And believe me, wedding dresses are unbelievably figure flattering. (With the exception of mermaids. Avoid those b*tches like the plague. ;) ) Most of them have so much boning and material in them, that they suck you in and give you a figure that Marilyn Monroe would envy. You can't necessarily breathe after you've suggested the store attendant lace that b*tch up tighter, but you feel fabulous. ;)
I am telling you, no matter WHAT size or shape you are, you can find a dress that looks drop-dead gorgeous on you. The right dress in the right cut will make you look and feel like the most beautiful bride in the world.
So, you either come to Canada... or find a girl friend, go get your hair done, make up sparkly number cards from 1 to 10 for your friend to flash at you with the different dresses... and have a ball!

And speaking from someone who's obsessing over wedding dresses (because I'm married for immigration purposes, by my man won't get the eff off his *ss and propose officially yet...!!), you too are probably a victim of what I call the Skinny Industry. Wedding dresses are often modeled on women who haven't eaten in three months. It gives you an unrealistic vision of the weight you are SUPPOSED TO BE on your wedding day.

My wedding dress shopping tip: Go to a plus size place. I'm not technically a plus size, but I've done this-- I hate picking a dress I love the look of and finding out the sample size is too small. Too big is AWESOME because the girls are wizzes with the clips, and they tailor in the dresses at the back to look like they fit you perfectly.

Item Two:
You wish you had lost weight. Lady, you have four months. Let's rock!
Sure, you may not get down to 120 lbs in that time, but think about it. At a slow and steady pace of two lbs a week, with 12 weeks to go, you could lose 24 lbs before then. Think about how you felt 24 lbs ago. It's not goal, but it's sure as helI not nothing! It's 24 extra lbs of confidence for you big day. And dude, if you're determined, I don't think 2 lbs a week is the most you can do.

Listen, I think you could go up there at 500 lbs and shine like the most beautiful bride in the world. But if it's truly important to you to lose a good amount of weight before-hand, and that's going to make you happier, more comfortable, more confident... and make you FEEL like the bride you want to be... let's get technical!

3,500 calories = 1 lb.
You probably burn about 2,000 calories a day for your height and weight. And that's doing nothing. Not moving. Staring at the ceiling in bed for 24 hours. And let's say you do move a little. But like me, you only move a little. I go from my bed to the elevator to my car to my desk. It's probably like 100 steps in total. Even sedentary people burn 350ish calories a day... you can't help it. Twitching your toes burns energy, it's all bound to add up. ;)

Say you wanted to do this. Really do this. Commit to losing as much as you can before your big day, so you feel more confident in yourself. So you commit to eating 1,200 calories a day for four months. And I'm talking healthy, filling 1,200 calories. None of this starving-yourself-skinny bullsh*t. (It sounds harder than it is. There are a million filling recipes... 300 calorie breakfasts, 400 calorie lunches and dinners and a 100 calorie snack! I can help you find recipes like nobody's business...)

You take the 2350 that your body burns without extra effort... eating a 1,200 calorie a day diet... that's an 1,150 calorie a day deficit. Which is 2.3 lbs a week. Without even exercising! In 12 weeks, that's 27.6 lbs.

Now, chuck in a half hour of power walking a day... yes, I know it sucks, and yes, I know that we never have time... I say that a lot. But somehow I always find time to sit on my booty for half an hour a day... but... eff it. Get up a half hour earlier, and make it count. A quick pace for 30 minutes can burn 200+ calories. Which is another half lb a week, and another 5 lbs before the wedding.
Suddenly you've lost 32 lbs in 12 weeks!

Look, f*ck the math. At the end of the day, in four months, you're marrying a man who loves you, who asked you to spend the rest of your life with him, because he can't imagine a life without you. That's what's important here!
Now, if you want to spend the next 4 months kicking some weight loss ***, you KNOW we are here! If you want to maintain your weight, and find the perfect dress to fit your body type now, you KNOW we are here! If you wanna go on an all-marshmallow and Big Mac diet and see if you can get yourself up to a size 62 wedding dress you KNOW we are-- well, we'll be as supportive as we can be. :p

No matter what happens, you're in the driver's seat, and we're all gonna be here to give you plenty of virtual :hug: and... hey, if you come to Canada, I will take you dress shopping like nobody's business, and I KNOW we could find something you'd love. :D

I was going to say the same thing! If you waited 2 years, what's to keep you from waiting a little longer? It would be great motivation if it were me... can't get married til I get my eating under control... hehe.

But seriously, reading the subject of your post made me sad. It's awful that you're dreading something that you should be-- and want to be-- excited about. I understand what you mean because I too have been thin, put the weight back on, etc, and the way I look matters A LOT to me. I don't care if it's vain. It's true. So I would feel the same as you, and if I were in your position, I'd tell me fiance that I really need to focus on myself getting healthy right now, could he wait another year or so to make it official?

Also, just wanted to add that I'm not trying to fuel a debate here or anything, and I can understand why some people would be horrified by this advice. But I guess it's also cultural in a way... my parents didn't have a wedding ceremony, they were married at the courthouse in NYC because they didn't have money for a ceremony. So I don't look at weddings quite the same way others do because I think that the union of marriage is a beautiful thing... but that the ceremony itself is really up to what makes you feel happy and fulfilled.

Well, one good reason not to postpone it is cost. I'm sure she's ordered invitations already, and I'm sure she's booked the venue and caterer and flowers and given down payments. My venue was non-refundable and cost $5,000. I'm sure they would make an exception if, say, I got sick or he did, but if the wedding was cancelled or something, it wouldn't have been refunded. I'm not sure they would have moved it, either. Pushing it back not out of total necessity is costly. There was no option for me to push back my wedding unless I wanted to spend $800 and reorder invitations. Just to possibly lose more weight.

I weighed 275 when I got married and the dress was the perfect style I didn't look fat at all. Once the day is upon you the thought of I look fat probably won't even cross your mind. I recently did Weight Watchers and lost 40 pounds in 4 months which is two dress sizes. You could lose 40 pounds and two dress sizes by your wedding and then go pick the dress you like right of the rack or find the one that you love and when it comes in have alterations done to make it smaller before your big day! Don't put it off, if nothing else your new hubby might be able to do it with you and keep you motivated after your say I DO!!! I know mine does. He is 6'2 and weighs 195 pounds and he still diets with me. You can do it!!!

I understand where you are coming from. My older sister went through the exact same thing. She was in the middle of her weight loss journey when her wedding arrived. She still is upset about her wedding photos BUT it is not entirely or even mostly because she wasn't at her goal weight yet. She was upset because she went for a wedding dress that she thought would hide her weight. She wasn't excited about shopping or finding a wedding dress either. She keeps saying that she wishes she had gone with the design she had originally wanted but didn't think she was an appropriate weight to wear it. You own yourself, you go out there and choose the dress that you want, don't worry about your weight!

My advice is this- Keep up on your weight loss journey BUT remember that even if you don't reach your end goal, you still are beautiful. You go out there and find that perfect dress for you! Don't settle for something that you aren't comfortable in and don't feel beautiful in. No matter what weight you are, you will be beautiful and glowing on your wedding day, and you will be able to find a dress to emphasize your beauty!

Enjoy the dress search, try not to get too much anxiety about dress shopping, it is supposed to be fun. Remember, you are gorgeous and there is a dress for you that will help you feel that beauty. Congratulations on your wedding!!!!