Hi Everyone,
I have to get this all off of my chest and I'm sorry if it's too long.
I have been in a horrible mood lately. I am in a self- hating phase and I don't like it and I can't do anything to change it (I've been trying) and this phase started when I only lost one lb for mondays weigh in. and with this next monday looming, I feel like I have gained weight. I dread the scale, because I just instinctively know it'll give me bad news! I keep trying to eat healthy, I keep working out.... I even put in the extra effort and come in more days than necessary and I constantly feel like a giant hippo.
I keep on hearing from people, "Wow, you look really good, I'm proud of you!" and I JUST DONT CARE ANYMORE. I've lost 65 lbs, sure, but I have to lose another 100 by summer. I have a challenge at my gym that I start on Jan 8th and I just don't see myself finishing. I do not feel motivated, or happy.
I keep on feeling like, "oh I'm a fat chick that no one wants and when I'm thin , sure, I'll be thin, but no one will want to deal with all my sagging skin."
In turn, I feel like this self hate has also ignited a dislike for other plus- size women and men out there.
Like I said, alot of self hate right now, but I don't know how to stop it. I'm also going through all the stages of loss because I just got out of a 3.5 year relationship and knew he was "the one" and he's now dating alot of girls....girls that are still plus size, but are smaller than me....
It makes me upset, but I can't bring myself to cry.
but what bugs me more is that I'm having a hard time finding my DRIVE.
I've been at this for almost a year now and I set a high bar for myself and this is not where I wanted to be at 2/3 weeks from the day I started. I've tried watching HEAVY and Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition for Thinspiration, but I just get more and more depressed. I feel like I'm losing myself under all this monotony and pain and stress.
Have you guys ever felt like this? What do you do? I need some real talk from you guys, I need perspective because I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've never been thin and I had just about given up on it and I am definitely scared of the prospect of being 170 lbs. I haven't been that size since...... 4th grade.
I guess this is what we are all here for. To lend a helping hand and to ask for help. I've never been good at asking for help, but I do pride myself on being a great friend. So, What do you say? Can you help me through this and somehow help me be whipped into shape mentally?