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Old 09-19-2011, 01:23 AM   #1  
This time, it's forever..
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Default My weightloss, is making her feel bad about herself

So far in my journey I have lost 25+ pounds. In the past month or so people have really come to notice the loss.

My friend is also overweight and yesterday it was the first real summer day of the year. So we went for a picnic with friends. I wore my shorts and my friend didn't want to get dressed. She eventually did and the whole time I could tell she wasn't really enjoying it and she was quiet. I feel as though my weightloss is making her feel bad about herself and that was never my intention . She is absolutely gorgeous but I can see she's really depressed about her weight and the fact that I'm losing and she isn't, isn't helping. She keeps on saying how thin I've gotten and she would do stupid things like pull my shirt up and slap my stomach. I really don't like that. And I think the fact that everyone is commenting on my weightloss also adds to the issue.

Several times I have tried to help her and give advice. I just thinks she's at that all time low of not even having the power to start.

And no, I won't go off plan I'm still going strong.

Advice would be gladly appreciated.
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Old 09-19-2011, 01:33 AM   #2  
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I know how your friend feels.. Because I am one of those people that hates my own friends for being skinnier.I actually hate to admit it, but I get happy when I hear that they gain weight.I didn't go to the beach with my friends this past summer because most of them are in 115-135 lbs (5'4"-5'10") and I just feel like crap being next to them.I am stuck on my weight as well, Ive actually gained since the start of my journey to lose weight. I would say, just start doing activities together, maybe tell her that you need a work out buddy, or at least walk/hike once or twice a week together.It would help motivate her and would add up to your exercises.I know how she feels and if nothing gets done she would just hate her body more and more.. At least that's how I feel.
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Old 09-19-2011, 06:11 AM   #3  
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Sounds like she has some major confidence issues that need to be addressed, never mind her weight. I was the fat friend in a group of thin healthy people, and I never hated them for it, but I did feel like the odd one out. I always admired them, and would put them on a bit of a pedestal and think they were so much better than I was. They weren't, it was just the way my mind was putting myself down.

All my friends have weight issues, it's quite shocking! They're all in the healthy range, perhaps some are leaning more towards overweight, but they all still have their worries about their bodies. We're all human! They're so proud of my weight loss, and supportive. But ultimately, I'm the one who made the change, I'm the one who gained the confidence and all I can do is help others to see that in themselves too.

As for your friend, I don't think there's much you can do. She needs to come to terms with her jealousy on her own. And man, she does need to stop lifting up your shirt, that would annoy the h3ll out of me!!
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Old 09-19-2011, 06:29 AM   #4  
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But ultimately, I'm the one who made the change, I'm the one who gained the confidence and all I can do is help others to see that in themselves too.
I love what you said here. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to help her.
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:13 AM   #5  
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I've been on both ends of this and I don't know if there's really much you can do about it. It comes down to her insecurities with her own body and you just can't change her mindset. I would probably tell her upfront that you don't feel comfortable with her lifting up your shirt but beyond that she just might not been in the right headspace to lose weight yet and that she'll have to do on her own time. If she asks for help/advice give it but otherwise I would probably just leave it alone at this time.
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Old 09-19-2011, 11:06 AM   #6  
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I've been on both ends of this and I don't know if there's really much you can do about it. It comes down to her insecurities with her own body and you just can't change her mindset. I would probably tell her upfront that you don't feel comfortable with her lifting up your shirt but beyond that she just might not been in the right headspace to lose weight yet and that she'll have to do on her own time. If she asks for help/advice give it but otherwise I would probably just leave it alone at this time.
I agree with this 100%. I'd probably keep it kind of quiet and not mention my weight loss or weight loss efforts with her unless she asks about them.

I think it's really really weird that she would lift up your shirt - my child does that because she's preschooler and still doesn't quite get that our bodies are our space (and that mommies need to use the potty alone!) LOL
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Old 09-19-2011, 12:00 PM   #7  
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I agree with this 100%. I'd probably keep it kind of quiet and not mention my weight loss or weight loss efforts with her unless she asks about them.

I think it's really really weird that she would lift up your shirt - my child does that because she's preschooler and still doesn't quite get that our bodies are our space (and that mommies need to use the potty alone!) LOL
The past few weeks I haven't told her how much I lost. I never like to tell people because I believe it's private.

Yes, she lifts it up my shirt "to see what your stomach looks like" she says. Now this makes me super self-concious.
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Old 09-19-2011, 02:14 PM   #8  
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Yes, she lifts it up my shirt "to see what your stomach looks like" she says. Now this makes me super self-concious.
Ha, you should do the same thing to her! Just kidding - in all seriousness, tell her that it's weird!
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:07 PM   #9  
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I love what you said here. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to help her.
Then just be honest about it. Tell her it's her life, her journey and it's going to have to be her own determination that gets her through it - but you'll support her 100% of the way. You can help all you want, but you can't lose the weight for her! And the more she relies on other people the easier it'll be for her to relapse. So unfortunately, all you can do is let her be. Talk to her about how you feel, say you're there for her when she needs it, but unfortunately you can't literally shake them out of it as much as we'd all love to do that sometimes!
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:16 PM   #10  
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As someone who's been on both sides, I can truly understand hurt feelings of watching a friend who's been heavy like you lose the weight. My friend began losing weight a few months back and I remember at first feeling upset about it because we were about the same size all the time.

Instead of continuing to allow myself to feel bad, I was inspired and lost weight myself and here I am 46 pounds lighter.

You really do need to talk to your friend though. Lifting up your shirt is quite odd and probably making you feel uncomfortable. Ask her what's up with that and depending on her answer maybe you can even help her lose some weight (see if she wants your help. If she doesn't, don't offer because that might make her feel worse).
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:28 PM   #11  
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I wonder if she's afraid that once you lose all the weight you won't be her friend again, and that's driving part of her insecurities?

I recently started an exercise program and my best friend almost never talks to me anymore. We're both heavy, but she detests exercise. I never tried to get her to do it, and I haven't made a single comment about her needing to do anything. So far as I'm concerned, if she's happy with how she is, great! But ever since I started the program, it's like she wants nothing to do with me. I've asked her if something is wrong, and she says she's just busy...but she's been busy for many weeks now.
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Old 09-20-2011, 12:10 AM   #12  
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I have a friend in a similar situation. She was always the most overweight one of the group, but recently lost 100+ pounds. However, she still remains the heaviest and so now that I have started my weight loss journey she thinks I'm ridiculous and always tells me that I don't need to lose weight because she would kill to look like what I look like now.

I definitely understand the weirdness of friends who are jealous/uncomfortable about your own weight loss. Honestly, as much as I love my friend (and i'm sure you do, too), it really comes down to the fact that you are doing this for you, and only you--and if she can't be supportive of that, then it's really too bad. I've been bummed about this problem for the past month or so, and am not sure what to do with my friend too--sorry i can't give more insight than this!
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Old 09-20-2011, 11:28 AM   #13  
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Munchy - Yes, it's weird. Hahaha but your comeback is rather funny hehe. I wouldn't try it though and I have told her several times that I find it silly.

Riestrella - Thank you. You really have a wise input towards this situation. I have talked to her on several occasions, giving her tips. I know she hears it, she just doesn't take action.

Brown - Aaah I would love to have lunch with her but sadly we work in different parts of the city so that's a bit hard. I do at home excercises and like I said to Riestella I have given her tips and even offered my work outs but the says she doesn't have the time.

sontaikle - I really want to talk to her. I just feel that she wants to lose weight but she isn't listening to what I'm saying. When I talk anything health wise it's almost like she shuts down or something. And that's mostly why, these days I try to avoid the subject.

EagleRiverDee - Oh never. She has no reason to feel this way. I will ALWAYS be her friend, no matter what. I am so sorry to hear about your situation with your friend. Maybe something else is going on in her personal life? Why not surprise her one day and just show up at her home for a visit. See how she reacts

cmwelp - I'm 100% with what you said, we are doing this for ourselfves and sadly we can't do it for them aswell
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Old 09-21-2011, 07:25 PM   #14  
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In highschool I had a very close friend and we were both heavier. I lost quite a bit of weight and she started to pull away from me. She also had started a new part time job and was hanging with a group of friends she knew from there. She had started skipping class and was angry when I wouldn't skip it with her. I started to feel like we didn't really know each other. We still did things together periodically but it wasn't the same. I never actually spoke about my weight loss at all to her being in high school and super embarrassed about bringing attention to myself in anyway. I ended up meeting my boyfriend and that sealed the deal. She became really jealous and started spreading rumours about me and I didn't know why. I thought we were best friends. It is only now that I realize she was insecure and my weight loss may have had something to do with it.

When I have friends who are losing weight or becoming fit I am happy for them. My current (going on 8 years now) best friend recently lost a ton of weight for her wedding and started running marathons. I am envious of her drive but nothing but proud of her accomplishments.

We girls have to support each other!
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Old 09-21-2011, 07:55 PM   #15  
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It's lovely you are concerned about your friend but don't let guilt about your own success derail you. Compare it to other things you might do that a friend would feel left out of. Would you feel bad about going to school when a friend didn't? would you feel bad dating someone? marrying someone? Compassion is great but don't let it get in your way
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