Yesterday I got back from a three day camp held by my college... a freshman camp type of thing. It was fun... loud... too many people for me... but fun.
But as we were leaving the camp ground we were at... I started to tear up. Why? Because not ONE person even LOOKED at me... let alone sit by me on the bus.
This bus was full... except for one empty seat. The seat next to me.
I tried my hardest... I tried striking up conversations with people, I tried asking them about themselves, etc. And then... after the second question, they would run off to go do something with someone else. Or someone else would sit down at the table, and I would get completely ignored.
The only time I was actually able to talk to someone was when we were told to talk during one of our group activities. And during another group activity, I spoke up, and it was as though everybody was surprised that I was there, let alone speaking.
And I wasn't being quiet either. I was trying to be open in my body language, making eye contact, doing EVERYTHING everybody has told me about meeting new people. I felt confident... everything. Only to have everyone ignore me.
Maybe it's because I didn't grow up in small town Texas like everyone else... but overseas in Europe. Which I didn't go blabbing out anyways. Maybe it's because I'm too tall. But that wouldn't make sense, because there were a ton of other girls my height or taller... and they had paired up with at least one other person with no problem.
Maybe it's because I'm too fat.. but no... there were quite a few other girls just as "fat" as I was... or more even... and they too had no problem pairing up with at least one other person.
Me... I try and pair up... or something... and am ignored. And then the bus thing was just a huge slap in the face. I was one of the first on the bus, I set my stuff down, left the seat next to me wide open, and smiled at everyone coming on. Not one person even looked at me. Not one.
So... what's wrong with me? I don't understand. This has been the story of my life all through high school... and I thought college would be different. Maybe it's because all of these girls are still in the "high school" mindset... I dunno. But yeah... I've moved around a lot... and I've had a hard time meeting people... or striking up conversations... and I thought this time would be different. That I would meet at least ONE person who wouldn't walk away after five minutes... nope. Not one.
So please... enlighten me. I got out of my comfort zone, I put myself out there, only to be completely ignored and shoved to the wayside. What's so wrong with me that nobody wants to talk or get to know me?
I'm sorry Serbrider I know how hard it can be to try to meet new people and put yourself out there just to be ignored in favour of someone else. I'm sure a lot of us have been in that situation. It's their loss, not yours - keep your chin up and keep doing what you were doing, being friendly and trying to strike up conversations, and eventually people who are actually worthy of your time will realize what a great person you are.
I know it can be so hard sometimes not to take things like this personally, but a lot of people get stuck in their comfort zones or their own little bubbles and don't always notice the people around them unless they are friends. If you are the odd one out (I often am too, as I am a foreigner over here in England) sometimes people will not be as open to meeting someone new despite what they can share and learn with and from them.
Just keep on being yourself and I promise it will pay off! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!
PS: I like horses too. The miniature in my icon was (sadly, my family moved and couldn't have horses - big or small! - anymore) one of our little guys, Leo!
Last edited by freedomreins; 08-21-2011 at 11:58 AM.
I don't have any advice, but wanted to say I'm sorry this happened. I have a horrible time meeting people and being comfortable in public, and I would also be hurt if I'd taken the risk of opening up and it didn't work out.
But you should be proud that you did open up! It's hard to do and I'm always too scared to try it. Don't stop trying to make friends. It probably really had nothing to do with you at all. Three days is a pretty short time to really get to know anyone new in such a large setting with so much going on. Did some of them know each other already, and so gravitated towards the familiar? There are a lot of explanations for why you didn't click with anyone, and it does not mean there is anything "wrong" with you.
Yeah no, lol. Dont open up and put yourself out there like that. What you draw people in with is what they will expect, can you honestly say you want to be that open to strangers and hope they dont smack you for it? Hang back, stay quiet, and window shop for the people that you would feel comofortable with. Not the "popular people" who you want to talk to just because you envy them. Find those people that feel like a comfty old sweater and then walk up and say "hi" and walk away. Walk away so they remember so they can think of you and see if you are theyre comfty sweater. The next day just say hi again smile and talk about what ever you want. ^_^ Remember you want a friend, not a madonna. Hope that helps.
Thanks guys... I guess it was that most people... even if they didn't know everybody else... they had at least one person in common... whereas I have nobody. I mean... I really don't. This school is not one that was known by ANYBODY in my circle of family and friends... only once we really look do we find a cousin of a friend of someone else who goes there... or is going there. It's a small school... with mostly people from small towns who know everybody.
I'm just... I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of people passing me off without getting to know me.
Thanks... I'm not going to stop trying... I'm looking forward to being in the honors dorm...
I dunno... I started to think on the way back that maybe I should have gone to a different school. 98% of these kids... all they want to do is maybe go to class, but mostly party and get drunk. Which I'm just not into. But... other schools are like that too. Not necessarily the same percentage... but kids will party... that's just what happens. I guess most of the more "serious" students didn't come to the camp... or something. I dunno.
I'm ready to start classes... which don't start for another week (and a day)... move-in day is the 27th... ready for that. So ready.
Thanks guys... I do appreciate it...
ETA: To this last person... I just want to say that I actually didn't go "after" ANY of the popular people. To be honest... they kinda scare me. I went towards people who were also kind of hanging back, or people who seemed to be friendly but not all "OUT THERE". I didn't go crazy... I just opened myself up. I'm not the kind of person who goes up to absolutely everybody... not me. I didn't try to be not me. I tried to be me... and talk to people that seemed like me (not by appearance, but personality-wise... that I was able to see). But yeah... the past four years it has taken me LITERALLY six months to find ONE person that ended up being a good friend. And then I had three more months with them... and then had to move again. So yeah. I just don't want it to take six months this time... even though I do have four years.
Thanks guys... I guess it was that most people... even if they didn't know everybody else... they had at least one person in common... ETA: To this last person... I just want to say that I actually didn't go "after" ANY of the popular people. To be honest... they kinda scare me. I went towards people who were also kind of hanging back, or people who seemed to be friendly but not all "OUT THERE".
I think you answered your own question. People already knew other people -- you didn't know anyone.
You approached shyer people.
Once you're in the dorms and around people going through the same types of classes and with the same interests, I'm sure you will make friends, esp since you're so open and approaching it with the right attitude
Being with other people in a similar mindset to you will be a huge help (in the honour's dorm). Especially if you are all living there together you will make friends quickly. I moved across the Atlantic for university and had no problems meeting and hanging out with my flatmates. You're so close to each other all the time you may as well be friends, and I think a lot of people look at it this way. Good luck!
Growing up in Europe and then going to S. Texas, well, that's a HUGE leap culturally and it's no wonder you're having issues. It's NOT because something is wrong with you but it's seriously HARD to meet people in different cultures. I've lived abroad many times in my life (still am right now for that matter) and sometimes it takes years to find a good group of friends.
BTW, I also went to school in the S. coming from the Midwest and even a move within the US was hard on me due to lots of little oddities that I could've never anticipated. The friends that I made at the very beginning where not the ones I stuck with in the long run. It took me a few months at least to make my true friends and some of my closest friends I didn't even meet until I graduated!
Once you get into classes that will help a lot because you'll have common ground with the other students. Also, join activities! I made many of my friends through sports/activities of mutual interest.
My aunt once told me that it was my responsibility to approach anyone at school that was sitting alone and ask them to sit with the rest of us. She said I had to help out the kids make friends that didn't know anyone.
So I always looked around the rooms to see if anyone was all alone.
Once a new girl started work that always sat alone on her breaks and lunch with her nose in a book.
I felt really sorry for her because she had no friends at all. And she dressed well and was cute too.
As much as I tried to talk to her she never looked at me. She just kept her nose glued to that book. That went on for weeks. She had no conversational skills at all. She never smiled or engaged anyone in a conversation. But she did her job. I finally gave up. Oh, well. I tried.
I'm kind of a socially awkward person and I tend to be more outgoing when I'm nervous, and it works for me. Thank goodness. But I always dread the first day of going back to classes and hoping I know someone in my class.
Three days at a camp doesn't tell you anything of what school is going to be like, trust me.
You're in an honors dorm? That's awesome. You really should try to get into dorm activities, maybe work with things that the RA's are setting up. Usually the people who are RA's and actually involved in the running of the dorms are really academic-minded. I've found that a lot of them aren't into drinking or partying. Just get involved, there's going to be "dorm nights" and "ice cream socials" in the actual dorm areas, I'm sure. Go to those, strike up conversations with the RA people.
I feel like many of the more "shy" and less socially inclined people end up having the most fun. I see them being goofy, and care free. People I knew my freshman year who were really timid and enclosed, I now see are the ones who are most involved in campus activities, and posting pictures of their fun nights with good friends. I have no doubt that you'll find your group. College in any town is kind of similar I feel. I went to college in a small town in Missouri my freshman year, and it was realllly a party school.. but there were tons of groups that didn't party (the RA's) and a lot of the girls we shared bathrooms with ended up being RA's the next year and came out of their shells completely. I visited and ran into one girl in particular and was amazed by how she wasn't shy or nervous to talk to my friends and I. She was way more confident than I had expected, and was there with friends who were incredibly nice. I was happy for her because freshman year she seemed really lonely.
Anyways, now I go to Omaha, which is a big city, and you don't see the school as a party school so much, but it's definitely there.
It's also easier to meet friends in schools that are located in small towns I think. You'll find your place there I'm sure
I remember my freshman orientation experience being like this... it was also a 3 day long stint, and the whole situation with the bus sounded very familiar. I didn't get to know anyone... I was hoping people starting college would be more mature and I was looking forward to that, but the early college years are very similar to high school or even worse... haha... people tend to be just as immature ALONG with the fact that they're living in a dorm setting without their parents! Ugh!
I'm sure as soon as you get moved in though you'll start to meet people. Most of the time the resident advisers in dorms will do tons of get to know you kind of activities with everyone in your hall, and there will be lots of 'on campus' stuff going on the first couple of weeks before classes really get rolling with the whole intention of getting people to meet each other.
Also, seek out a campus organization! We had something where we could write down our dorm address/name/email and whatnot on some lists if we thought we might be interested in a group, and group members would come to meet US, which was great for me because I was kind of shy. I fell in with a Christian group though and ended up with LOTS of friends within the first few weeks who held through my whole 5 1/2 years at college. As your resident adviser about campus organizations if you can't figure out how to get involved.
It also seems like the honors program will start you off right away with a group! Most of you will end up in several of the same classes throughout the years so look forward to making friends with those people!
OMG I can relate to you, down to moving into the honors dorm, and my weight at your age. But the Honors dorm was awesome, met loads of unique and different friends there, not just geeky types (whom i love by the way, those are my people). I rushed to join a sorority as did several of the girls on my hall. That was a great way to GET out there and meet people, and again I am not your "typical" sorority girl. I weighed 223 pounds at the time. But I found a great group of friends that I still am in touch with (10 years later...). If you're willing to put yourself out there (which you seem to be...) that could be a great outlet for you socially. Just a thought.
Are you just starting college? If this was the freshman orientation/retreat, don't fret! You'll have plenty of time to make some new friends.
I found a lot of friends within the honors program I was in and within my majors. I didn't really get to make any friends at orientation, and after orientation the people I did speak to I never spoke to again all throughout college. Some of them may have even transferred as I never saw some of them again.
When you're in class with people and see them frequently, it'll be much, much easier to make friends and carry a conversation
College is much, much different and I found it a WHOLE lot easier to make friends. While some never lose that high school mindset, a lot do and people realize that it was silly in the first place.
I just turned 25 and I could have written that post during college. Back then my younger, insecure, awkward, and anxious, self struggled socially. I attended a big party school and always felt so inadequate that my phone never buzzed with texts of people wanting me to party with them. Contrastingly it usually took so much effort to find someone to go out with. I cried many nights over feeling lonely and damaged.
Since then I did some soul searching and made some difficult personal changes. I'm not miss popular (and really don't want to be) but am satisfied with my social circle. The old anxieties come up at times but I deal with them much better. I just accept that different people have strengths and weaknesses and this is something that’s a little harder for me than others. That’s ok.
Don't try so hard. I felt like I needed that lots-of-friends-and-party-all-the-time experience for my college career to be whole. I lied to myself. There's a quote I REALLY like "Anything forced into manifestation though personal will is ill got and has ever bad success." Florence Schivel Shinn. In college I wanted friends so badly that I anxiously talked to everyone in my classes and did everything I could to invite myself out to bars with people I barely knew. My bad energy pushed people away. Decide that if it's meant to be it will happen on it's own. Put yourself in good situations but be relaxed and let things happen. If you don't find people you like it's ok. Feel confient that you are awesome and deserve great friends.
Also I would recommend being really particular about the people you spend time with. I got this from Jack Canfield's book "The Success Principles." There is a quote. "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." Seriously consider "do I want to be like this person" when you pick your friends. It is better to spend a night alone in your dorm reading a book then out with people who bring you down. Canfield had a term "Psychic Vampires" for people who just suck the life out of you and make you feel bad. Avoid them. Make a list of all the people in your life and put a + or - next to everyone name. Spend more time with the people who pick you up and less with the people who bring you down. I do this exercise constantly because it is so easy to hang out with "psychic vampires" by default. In college I felt desperate for friends and hung out with anyone who would have me. Don't go out with people you don't like for the sake of going out.
I've had that happen to me throughout junior high and high school. Everybody knew everybody and I was the outsider. You're not being ignored. Some people are not social and some are shy.
Why am I ignored??? What's wrong with me?
I know how hard it can be to try to meet new people and put yourself out there just to be ignored in favour of someone else. I'm sure a lot of us have been in that situation. It's their loss, not yours - keep your chin up and keep doing what you were doing, being friendly and trying to strike up conversations, and eventually people who are actually worthy of your time will realize what a great person you are.
The miniature in my icon was (sadly, my family moved and couldn't have horses - big or small! - anymore) one of our little guys, Leo!
I went towards people who were also kind of hanging back, or people who seemed to be friendly but not all "OUT THERE". I didn't go crazy... I just opened myself up. I'm not the kind of person who goes up to absolutely everybody... not me. I didn't try to be not me. I tried to be me... and talk to people that seemed like me (not by appearance, but personality-wise... that I was able to see). But yeah... the past four years it has taken me LITERALLY six months to find ONE person that ended up being a good friend. And then I had three more months with them... and then had to move again. So yeah. I just don't want it to take six months this time... even though I do have four years.
