BF problems
 

I think my bf is a hoarder. We've lived together for about four years, and he's always been very messy and disorganized. I didn't really realize how bad it was, because I simply cleaned up after him (complaining about it all the time, of course). But I came back from being out the country for five months, and it was frankly scary. There was barely anywhere to walk, there was nowhere to sit, and it looked like his cleaning efforts just included making space on the bed. There were piles of stuff everywhere- on the floor, on every inch of the kitchen, on every surface, including on every seat in the house except one, even all over the bathroom floor. Now, it wasn't deadly, per se, because there was only a small amount of food and dangerous trash mixed in. But it was still very, very bad.

Now, we moved to a new house (it took us over 10 hours to clean the last apartment, even after all the things were gone) and I'm here, not especially busy at the moment, so I'm keeping it clean and neat. But everyday there are a million things to pick up or throw away from him. When I confront him about it, he gets very very upset, to the point of aggression. He's even threatened our relationship because he seems so afraid to change his habits.

I talked to him tonight about it, starting the conversation with, "I've been picking up after you a lot lately, and I won't have as much time when I go to school. Could you please pick up your messes?" He got angry and defensive for about an hour, and when he finally cooled off he admitted some things to me. He says his ideal home is a small room with a minifridge and electric cooker, and with everything at his fingertips. He says he likes to be able to access everything he owns from where he is sitting. Knowing some of the signs of hoarding, I asked him if he like to be able to see everything he owns. He adamantly agreed.

He'll also buy things compulsively and leave them lying around, never to use them again. The weirdest thing is candelabras and shelves- we have about a dozen of each, which I neatly piled and put away, but which were just around the last apartment, with no candles and shelves not put up.

I wonder if it might be something to do with his family as well- he was raised by his grandparents and mother (in the same house), and it sounds like his grandfather was a pretty bad hoarder. He had a whole barn completely filled with junk, as well as a room for his "collections." It sounds as if he saved pretty much everything.

I've tried to talk to him about it before, which led him to be the angriest I've seen him. I told him what I had learned about hoarding and asked him to see a therapist or counselor. He got extremely insulted, and it ended up with me being at fault for "insulting" him so badly.

I don't know what to do. His life situation is pushing away all of his loved ones, including me (he couldn't have people over to his last apartment because it was so bad). I love him and he's a good companion to live with, aside from his domestic problems. At this point in our relationship, if we lived in separate houses, it just wouldn't work- we've been together too long for us to live apart and know that there was a good chance that we could never live together again.

Has anyone else ever dealt with a problem like this?

Oh boy. I am so sorry to hear about this. Both my grandma and my dad were hoarders. It is a mental illness and without treatment it is not going to get better. It sounds like your BF is very resistant to even talking about counseling but if I were you I would go for counseling myself.

At some point you are going to have to decide if you are willing to live like that - in a hoard, being the primary house caretaker and cleaner and dealing with all the financial implications that come from someone who is a compulsive shopper.

I didn't have to live with Grandma (just help clean out her house when she died). I did really hate staying with her when we visited because it was a disaster and she would let her chickens roost in the house (I am not kidding). When my dad died it took me 6 weeks of 12 hour days to clean out his house and garage. It was pretty much a nightmare. My mom had passed away years before but once she was gone his hoarding kicked into a higher gear. Like you with your partner I think she kept him in check by being the primary picker-upper.

Again I would urge you to seek some professional help for myself and get some advice about how to approach the BF.

I will be thinking about you.

Hi Kelly,

I had somewhat of a similar situation but with my mother. She kept so many things that were either given to her or she bought from the thrift store she mostly accumulated books/magazines, furniture, figurines, lotions, old perfumes and if I threw anything out or separated it to give away she would pick thru the things and keep about 60% of it. Anyway, I told her that I thought she was a hoarder and she also got defensive giving me reasons for her junk and why she had to have it. After many many confrontations I wanted to give up but took one last chance and I had changed the channel on the TV in her room to that TV show Hoarders. It did have an effect on her because she started cleaning some stuff not everything but she has stopped accepting other peoples unwanted items and she did comment to me the other day that watching these people made her realize she didn't want to end up that way. So maybe that can help.