Ugh. Sorry in advance for this rant. So I HATE talking about weight loss attempts with my mom because she has to talk about it CONSTANTLY when I'm around- to my sisters, my dad, anyone in earshot, and, frankly, it's embarrassing. I don't like to talk about it. I don't want a bunch of people knowing about it. I try not to mention it, but she's constantly pushing food on me, saying things like, "Well, I mean, it's really not THAT many calories, come ON- just be reasonable about it and don't have too much." I feel like I'm being difficult if I say, "That's my problem- I can't be reasonable 'around high-calorie foods and if I can't have 10 cookies, it's better for me not to have ANY- plus I don't want to waste calories on something that isn't going to fill me up!"
She has never had a problem with being overweight, ever. She is 5'8 and 120 lbs. Underweight. She eats like a bird, and it seems like she is constantly trying to show me how she eats. She puts about three Tbsp. of heavy cream in each of her many cups of coffee every day, but then for meals she makes a big show about how little it takes to fill her up. We went out for breakfast the other day and she had half a bagel and one egg and said over and over again how that would hold her over until dinner. She tells me about infomercials she's seen on television where a guy hawking weight loss supplements said that overweight people don't have as good brain function as people who are thin. I couldn't help but take it exceptionally personally.
A few years ago, I had lost down to 190 and I was feeling really great. I had lost about 50 lbs in 6 months and I was proud of myself. One of our relatives saw a picture of me that was particularly flattering and emailed my mom about what a pretty young lady she thought I had grown into, and my mom emailed her back (with me "accidentally"? in the routing) saying that I had lost a great deal of weight recently but was still "VERY big, close to 200 lbs", and having a lot of trouble controlling myself around food. Who says that?? What kind of mom wouldn't just say, "Thank you, I've always thought my daughter was beautiful"??
Do any of you have moms who are weird about your weight loss attempts? How do you handle it?
My mom is actually great about my weight loss attempts. She compliments me, encourages me, and helps me out.
My GRANDMA on the other hand sounds just like your mother! She recently passed away, but she was a very thin German woman. She was always cooking big German meals and while they were generally made from scratch, which was good, they were full of carbs and calories. She would push and push the food and snacks on me ever since I was little. But then she would tell me how big I was, and comment to my mom, aunts, whoever was listening about how I was too big for my age. She liked to sew clothes for us so she would take our measurements and tell me and everyone else about how I was twice as big as I should be.
She would always let me know that it was a good thing I was "the smartest grandchild" and would be able to go to college and get a career, since I didn't have much going on for me in the looks department and would never get a husband or raise a family. (Sadly she passed away about 6 months before I got married... the first of the grandchildren to do so..., and she won't be able to meet her first great grandbaby who is due in a month and a half.)
When I did start to lose weight she made it the topic of every conversation, asking how I did it, and making a point to tell me that the way I was doing it (exercising and eating healthy) was not good for me, and that I was not eating enough, and that I needed to do one of those healthy programs like weight watchers or atkins instead of doing things on my own. She pointed out to everyone (even if it was our first time meeting them in the store or something) that I had recently lost some weight and still had to lose a lot. The last time I was with her was New Years of last year, and we had a family party and she made it very clear to myself and the family that I was destroying my weight loss effort by having 1 glass of wine, and some appetizers. *sigh*
I am expecting a little girl soon, and I hope I NEVER say things like that to her. I don't think I'd be able to. I do hope I can teach her healthy habits so she doesn't have to be an obese child like I was and go through it at all, but even if she was I would certainly support her and not try to embarrass her publicly nor around family and friends.
Oh My Gawd. I don't want to be blunt, but... your mom has issues! I mean, if I try hard I could say how it's her way of wanting to help you. I'm sure it is, in some weird way. But she just has no clue how to be supportive in this. It sounds like she doesn't really want to either. Like it makes her feel better to be in your face about it in a less than constructive way.
Has she always been so thin? Maybe it's become so much part of her identity that she is thin that she is a bit obsessed with the subject?
Anyhow, I would suggest sitting down with her, for real... and tell her about how you feel. Give examples like you do in this post. And tell her that your weight loss journey is NOT easy living in a house with people that can eat all they want and not gain any. Explain all about how calories work, and how carb cravings work. Maybe even let her surf some of these boards. And tell her you need her to either be -really- supportive or not ever talk about your weight again. It's a super personal thing, and you don't need her added stress.
Keep up the good work, keep doing what you are doing and just ignore her if you see no way of reasoning with her. But I hope that if you sit her down and tell her "mom, this is important, it's gonna be an hour in which you are gonna let me do the talking, please listen..." it can be resolved? And.. with these talks you always have to explain how it makes -you- feel. No accusations of what her intent might be with her words. Just.. explaining your side.
Really wish you the best of luck. I would go absolutely crazy if I had a parent close to me acting in such a way.
I have one of those mom's. I lost ALOT of weight, and I'm happy. I live in the mountains, live an active mountain lifestyle and have some wonderful pics of me at some of the most scenic spots you can imagine. What does she say? You look thinner/bigger than your last pics, did you lose/gain weight? What's your size now?
I would like to get a "Wow, what great pics. You look so good and so happy, it's nice to see how well you're doing." But, I'm not holding my breath.
I am sick and tired of speaking to my mother about almost everything because of her bad attitude and criticism about everything, but I've gotten this one my entire life. I got new jeans in the 6th grade and thought I looked good in them. I was a size 14 or so, but I carried my weight ok and had started kinda getting a figure instead of just looking like a little beach ball. She, miss 95lbs and size 00, holds them up, and says "OH MY GOD. You fit into THESE? It's like a tent!" I felt so crappy about myself.
But even now, it's like it's all that is ever on her mind with me. Everything else that I'm doing with my life is a moot point apparently. I've talked to her and she instantly goes into victim mode and starts whining and crying about how she just cares about me and is trying to "help" and I'm just meanie poo poo head for not letting her "help." Ok, she doesn't say those exact words, but that's exactly the level of childishness she is conveying to me when I tell her to stop being so focused on my weight and stop criticizing me. Then months later, when I haven't called her on the phone, she actually asks me why. I tell her point blank, because she won't stop minimizing ME into just a clothing size or scale number and won't stop telling me what a screw up I am in the other parts of my life when *I* feel like I'm going where I want to go. I have high goals for myself, and you don't reach those without alot of work and having to overcome hurdles. She, on the other hand, believes it's better if I just quit now because it's not worth the effort. Apparently 29 is also old. Too old to bother with "that stuff." Like goals and dreams.
I just don't need that, and so our relationship is strained because I maintain a firm boundary and she's always trying something new to punch through the boundary and force herself into my life. It's crazy.
Last edited by mountaingirl81; 08-12-2011 at 04:08 PM.
My dad is critical of weight. He doesn't say anything to me, I guess because technically I am what is considered a "healthy weight" (whatever). However, he does make comments to my little sister. She is 19 and idk how much she weighs exactly, but it is probably 230 something. His side of the family isn't rail thin, but they aren't big. On my mom's side, most of the women are heavy... he and my mom have been divorced since I was around 8, so I think some of his comments stem from resentment towards her family. Idk, just my piece. I'm sorry she says such hurtful things.
My dad's side of the family are like that but worse. The women on his side are thin and make a point to stay fit. So when you go to family reunions they have no problem patting your belly and saying "Wow, you've gotten so fat!" Part of weight loss though is going through things like this, just keep pushing through and try not to let it get to you. If it were me, I'd probably go off on her!
My Grandma is just like that, she thinks that every health issue that she has never had is all in pther peoples heads and that they have no self control.
So when I see her and she starts to bring up weight and whether I have lost any I just shrug and say I guess so and then change the subject.
If I am given food by some one then I take it and pretend that I ate some of it by breaking it up and moving it around on my plate and say that I am to full to finish, or instead of taking some then I ask to take some home and then trow it away later.
My only advice is to give her as little opportunity to make comments like that, like visiting her in nonfood settings and set down limits. Try to also find someone who you can confide in with weight loss struggles and successes. Good luck !
Last edited by Abigail207; 08-12-2011 at 05:58 PM.
Location: St. John's, Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada
Posts: 105
S/C/G: 330 / 320 / 175
Height: 5'11
My parents have been supportive of me and my weight loss journey. Mom lost weight on WW (which I am currently on), so when I am home, we go for walks (even though I currently have to ask her to slow down sometimes). Mom also offered to buy me what items I wanted the last time I was home, to make sure that I had what I wanted around, and to make sure I wouldn't go off plan! I have the greatest parents (but I could be a little biased)!
WOW, your mom has major issues. Are you living with her still? That makes it trickier. I have a grandma like that, but it was always easier to escape her because I didn't live with her. She was awful with my mom, too, who is over 300 lbs, and I know she dealt with a lot from her parents. Because of that, she's always been really good to me (except feeding me fast food for almost every meal as a child, but that's another story).
I would try talking to her-- really try, or write her a detailed letter (this may be the easier option, because most people will read a letter in its entirety, and they can't interrupt you that way) explaining exactly how she makes you feel and using examples of things she has said in the past. Try not to be bitter or cast blame (even though you have every right to), and she'll probably take it better.
If that fails, you'll have to ignore it. If my grandma asked if I had lost/gained weight, I would always respond with "I don't know, maybe" and then change the subject. If it becomes too much of an issue while eating, excuse yourself from the table. She has to stop eventually if you keep calling her on it.
The "grandma" solutions are great if you don't live with her, but if you do, it's more difficult and obviously gets under your skin more. Good luck!
Fortunately, I don't live there, and haven't for about 10 years. She does have a lot of problems and is not receptive at all to confrontation about it- she would just get super defensive and try and turn it back on me and it's just not worth it. She is still my mom, though, and does have redeeming qualities that I didn't really list in my original post, so I'm not really planning on cutting off our relationship.
I'm curious why people maintain relationships with people who purposely hurt them. I hear so much of the 'Well, we're family!' responses, and I just think that your family should be the last people to hurt you. I don't get it... :-/
I agree with this. People always give me that "it's your family" BS when I talk about having absolutely no feelings toward these people (unless they're feelings of resentment - especially toward my father's side of the family). I keep company with the family I choose and have absolutely nothing to do with the rest. Why keep that kind of stress in my life when I don't need to?
Of course, I don't believe this applies to the OP's situation. As she said, she didn't tell us all about her mother, just about this one problem they have together.
To the OP: I don't have any good advice for you on this one, as I am in a similar situation with an aunt of mine (who I unfortunately have to have some kind of civil relationship with because we work together). My husband suggests things like, "You should have asked her how it feels to be as wide as she is tall!" Of course, I could never say this to a coworker, or any other person because I know what it's like to be unhappy with your body. But I would expect her to be supportive and not let her jealousy of my success spoil it for me. To cope, I've cut off as much social interaction with her as possible. I skip company lunches on Fridays (when she's at her worst) and don't really talk to her unless it's about necessary work stuff.
Many times I've thought I should just tell her, in a calm and even-toned way, that it hurts me for her to degrade me for my weight loss and that I would expect someone in her position - as someone who is also overweight but also as an aunt and coworker - to be more supportive. Or I've thought about saying something rude back at her to shut her up. In the end, I'll probably keep doing what I'm doing - avoiding her at all costs and smiling on the inside knowing that while she's miserable with herself I'm getting healthier every day.
I used to have a similar situation with my mum. I do find it easier to avoid discussing it with her as I have tried a few heart to hearts but it never really worked. If we go out together I always make a big show of saying how full I am from the breakfast/lunch/dinner I had earlier. If she asks if I have lost weight I say I'm not sure and change the subject.
You say that your mum is underweight, I may be off the mark here but it is said that people who have issues with not eating enough are often obsessed with feeding other people so she may not even notice what she is doing here.
I would focus on those who are supportive and avoid discussing your weight with those who aren't.
Yuck! My mom's the same way - when I was my heaviest after my study abroad semester she told me my father said it was "difficult to look at me" and she told one of my friends there when she visited that "we used to be the same size"... WTF!?
All I know is, I'll never treat my own (future) daughter how she did me - no matter how helpful or motivating she thinks she is being she is ruining any future relationship I have with her - and mostly because of the weight issue! And it's been going on for as long as I can remember, probably around puberty when I first gained weight.
Sometimes I lose weight only to gain it back and while I wouldn't blame anyone but myself (I am fully accountable for my actions) I sometimes wonder why I have this self-sabotage mechanism - maybe from years of hearing from my own mother about my weight problem? good luck to you
Mom drives me craaaazzayy!
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