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Old 07-12-2011, 12:49 PM   #16  
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Confidence, confidence confidence and my god learn to love yourself because if you don’t no man or person will ever love you.
Amen, Sister!!! That's some advice that a lot of people should hear
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Old 07-12-2011, 02:09 PM   #17  
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oh wow. i cant believe you guys are flaming this guy for being honest. its time to realize that yes---
men fall in love with women regardless of what they look like

however, many men would be more sexually attracted to their partner if they were more fit


its the truth. its the same with me. i will love my husband if he gains 30 more lbs, but i would find him less sexy- yes, i would still be attracted to him, but for me, him gaining 8 inches of beer belly would make me less apt to jump his bones.
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:03 PM   #18  
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wow thank you everyone for your responses. whatever you had to say- i read it and just appreciate people taking time to offer me a word or two. it means a lot..

Yea, i wish i was the type to be able to ask him out. Knowing myself, there is pretty much no way I can summon the courage to do that. It's just that we are the in same group of friends and I would be so humiliated if he was like, er- no. YES i know maybe he will say yes- but I just can't.

Maybe my weight seems like I should have no problem, but I'm uncomfortable with how I look right now. I think people carry their weight differently and while some people could look really good at these stats, I still look pretty fluffy. lol. I feel like its all relative. I may be happier at a higher/lower weight than other people my height- It depends on the person.


I guess I will just see what happens and im going to really try not to let this one thing make me doubt so much about myself. that is just insane. i just think and then overthink pretty much everything. i needed to get it out before it chewed me up though.

thanks again e'rrbody..
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:03 PM   #19  
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come on. you are 5'6'' and 143 ... I dont think you have any issues with your body...
dont under estimate urself..
just cheer up..
Agreed! Girl, I was working it at 170lbs at the same height! (I was landing the hot fire fighters, sexy pilots, etc.. ah, to be single again!!)

Anywhoo - at 140lbs, I can almost GUARANTEE you that IF he's having reservations about pursuing you, it's got ZILTCH to do with your weight!

Everyone has insecurities; the only difference is not everyone wears them out on their sleeves. Confidence is attractive! Even if you have to fake it until you genuinely feel confident about your appearance, you'd be surprised how far that'd take you.

If it's not this one, there will be others.

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Old 07-12-2011, 07:07 PM   #20  
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I was a size 9 when I met my husband... we only met 4 years ago and now I'm a size 18. He had a little trouble getting used to it after I had my daughter and he realized I wasn't going to just shrink back down. I made sure that I valued myself and demanded as much respect from him no matter what weight I was... I definitely had some insecurities but I didn't let them affect my confidence or my personality which is what really matters in the end. My husband says the same thing ZomgGuy said whenever we've had a conversation about weight... he says if he's being honest he does rather me look like I did when we met but that my weight has no bearing on his love for me.

Don't wrap yourself around the idea that that's the reason he hasn't taken it a step further. It might be for a reason completely different than what you're thinking... maybe he's afraid of ruining a great friendship. Or maybe he just doesn't see you that way, and it doesn't have anything to do with your weight. And if you're right and your weight is the reason he doesn't want to take it further than you deserve better just like you said.
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:09 PM   #21  
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Dragonfly,

I just registered to this site -- I am a man, I believe that soon I'm going to be thrown off this site for that reason -- but I have to say ---

I'm am 24 -- dating a 21 year old girl who honestly does not have a size 2 body by any means -- Would I prefer it that way? Honestly, Yes. But regardless of that I will always love her, respect her, and support her in anyway possible -- because you know what? I actually love her.

You will find a man who will treat you with that love -- I'm certain of it -- Its very hard to see that, I used to be 520lbs (I've seen how dark the world can be) -- but I promise you there are quality men out there.
Why do you think will get thrown off ? Because you are a man ? We have men on these forums and there comments are always worth reading.

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Old 07-12-2011, 08:15 PM   #22  
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What are you 15? Seriously do the poor girl a favour and leave her so she can find someone who is better suited for her that isn’t wishing she was smaller. That loves her and respects her. *Rolls eyes* You clearly don’t know what love is if that’s your thinking.
Woah woah woah let's take a second to breathe here lol. No need to jump down the poor guy's throat for expressing his honest opinion. He stated that he'd love his gf no matter what and would always support her. That IS love. You can't honestly tell me you'd PREFER your significant other to be overweight? That's all he's saying, is that he'd PREFER his gf to be fit...as do MOST people. It has nothing to do with love.

As for the OP, I agree with others that it's definitely not your weight. I'm sure you're absolutely gorgeous! If a guy had a problem with 143 lbs....he probably won't be satisifed with ANYONE.
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Old 07-12-2011, 09:55 PM   #23  
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Woah woah woah let's take a second to breathe here lol. No need to jump down the poor guy's throat for expressing his honest opinion. He stated that he'd love his gf no matter what and would always support her. That IS love. You can't honestly tell me you'd PREFER your significant other to be overweight? That's all he's saying, is that he'd PREFER his gf to be fit...as do MOST people. It has nothing to do with love.
Umm... There is a big difference between "preferring" your significant other being overweight and preferring someone to be a "size 2". And being a size 2 doesn't mean you are fit. You can be fit and not a size 2. A size 2 is not healthy for everyone and most certainly not realistic for everyone- and body shape is another factor as well. Yes. Some guys like girls that resemble sticks, this is true. Some guys like curvy women. Some guys like men. We should not try to generalize that most men would prefer someone a size 2 and research has shown that guys like women closer to "average" and women thought that men wanted them to be more skinny than men actually preferred.
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however, many men would be more sexually attracted to their partner if they were more fit
Refer above. There is a difference between being "more fit" and being a "size 2". And by the way, that works both ways, I am sure.

And luckyme0510, you were a size 9, not a size 2. Did your husband say he would prefer you to be a size 2? Or he would prefer you look like how he met you?

The guy is entitled to his opinion, but others are entitled to theirs as well. I think the divorce rate is 50/50 because people don't truly know what 'love' is... And from the looks of things, most people seem to justify this end.

If you are honest with yourself, hopefully you would want someone who loves you as you are and doesn't WISH you to be something else. Note: there is a difference I think to in "not minding" if someone had Brad Pitt's abs and wishing they did.

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Old 07-12-2011, 10:26 PM   #24  
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I agree to disagree

I truly love my husband... I know what love is... and not only would I mind he be in shape, I would PREFER he be in shape as well. It goes both ways.

And I think we can cut ZomgGuy a break... I don't think he literally meant a size 2... I think it was just trying to make a point. Or he might not be very familiar with female sizes, I know I'm not very familiar with men's.

One other thing... there are a lot of misconceptions about size. We shouldn't be saying a size 2 isn't healthy just like we don't like someone to generalize that a size 10 is unhealthy... My sister is a size 2 and she is beautiful, she is in great shape and perfect health.
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Old 07-12-2011, 10:27 PM   #25  
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It's quite possible zombguy doesn't know what a size 2 looks like. It would look quite ill on me, and I doubt anyone would prefer me that way. It doesn't really matter... Choose a mate who loves you and ignore the rest! If a guy says things to make you feel bad, just take it as a blessing... because you don't have to wait a long time to get to know them.

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Old 07-13-2011, 02:06 AM   #26  
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LuckyMe0510~

I am not saying a size 2 is unhealthy by any means. That is 100% exactly what I am not trying to say. I hate this war that goes on "skinny" verses "fat" versus "curvy". Clearly, all women were not meant to be this size. Just like some women are naturally thin and that is healthy for them, some are naturally thicker- like it or not. Just like some have an hour glass shape, some have an apple shape, some have a pear shape... If you don't like it-- find someone else. Personally, I would rather be with someone who loved me exactly how I am than wishing me to be something I am not or could never be.

I agree with you in a sense. If you are with someone for 10 years- obviously people change over time. And hopefully you will spend your life with that person- and so life and you both will change far more... For better or for worse. This is part of life- to wish it otherwise is futile to say the very least.

I think it is great that you both want to be in better shape, because being healthy is important. That is really what this community is based on after all. However, size does not (always) reflect health (within reason).

I have not always been a "fat chick". For me, this has been about the case for about the last 5 years- I am 26. But I have NEVER been a size 2-- maybe in 5th or 6th grade... but I had curves in all the right places, flat stomach, booty... I am in no way "hating" on anyone (this includes the very slim)- which this could be misconstrued as.

I work with girls that are naturally thin- and that's great. I, personally, will never be a size 2. And I don't want to be. I accept that not all guys like girls that have more curvy figures- just like I don't like guys that are of the body building variety (and various other varieties).

You have to admit that in today's society celebrities are getting alarmingly thin- and people are maintaining weights that are unhealthy for them, by unhealthy means as well. Look at all the photo shopping incidents in advertising campaigns where models are being changed to just unnatural and unattainable aliens. This is a bigger problem of society- and I haven't heard of it with male models yet... Women are constantly getting the message we could be younger, prettier, thinner-- and it is sad.

I am sorry if it sounds like I am attacking the guy- in my honest opinion, I think most likely he doesn't really know the difference between a size 2 or 6 or 10... I will give him the benefit of the doubt there. Perhaps he just wishes his girlfriend was more healthy.

However, I feel the way he worded his response and his injection of that comment was not thought out. To me, it doesn't answer the question and can cause more harm than good to someone young and impressionable- this is the 20-something forum, and by the way she describes her problem I can only guess she is in her very early twenties. But I guess his response can be attributed to the same...

Not everyone is going to like you. Period. Whether you are a size 2 or 10 or 16... Whatever. Some guys like fat girls, some guys like skinny girls, some guys like other guys... From an evolutionary standpoint- people tend to go toward "healthy" individuals. This includes glowing skin, shiny hair, symmetrical features, a particular waist to hip ratio (irrelevant of weight), etc...

To try and illustrate a point-- I have long black hair, brown almond shape eyes, tan skin-- I am of Mediterranean descent. I get told how beautiful I am all of the time - yes, all of the time- at this weight. Not - "you have a pretty face" - no I get told you are gorgeous, exotic- period. (Obviously, I want to get healthy and lose weight- why I am here, duh.) But if you put that aside- not all really skinny people are attractive (maybe her size two friends are not very cute, maybe they are stunning- I don't know)- not all obese, overweight are unattractive. I can be objectively beautiful- but if some guy likes girls that are blond with blue eyes and fair porcelain skin-- it doesn't matter, does it??? I don't want to be with a guy who prefers blonds and "loves" me but wishes I was blond.

What I am trying to say here is that- well, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. And we all know that. So maybe the OP won't get every single guy- but that's okay, because she isn't attracted to all guys attracted to her either... And it may or may not have to do with weight. But usually there are so many other factors.

If you want my honest opinion, I do believe that people are more shallow than ever (in general) and I think expectations of women are completely unrealistic, so you may get more guys at a size 2, however, the quality of guy-- I am not so sure.

I get what you are saying, love does happen. And you may fall for someone you are not conventionally attracted to-- but if you find true love, these things won't matter. As in, you will find their "imperfections" what is so perfect about them. Or should I say this is what will occur if you are lucky. Someone will look at the smile lines and admire you are such a happy person, kiss your stretch marks and admire that you went through so much and were some how able to make it- despite the aftermath, etc.

I don't know, in my "skinny"-er life- like in high school and the earlier part of my under grad program- I have dated guys that weren't looking like Zac Efron (a.k.a. washboard abs) and not one moment did I wish to change a thing about them. But, as I said before- people are different and I can not expect others to experience life as I do... Normally I am the type too that thinks something is wrong with me and I am reassured otherwise by the guys who see no flaws. So, there is someone who will find you perfect just as you are.

And after all of that- I am not really sure if we are agreeing to disagree or not still- but I think you make some very excellent points. Touché.

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Old 07-13-2011, 02:23 AM   #27  
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If you are honest with yourself, hopefully you would want someone who loves you as you are and doesn't WISH you to be something else. Note: there is a difference I think to in "not minding" if someone had Brad Pitt's abs and wishing they did.
Actually, i want someone who doesnt pretend im perfect because no one is perfect. We all have something that we arent satisfied with that we want to work on-- this is a weight loss forum!
I believe true love/best friend/ partner is someone that will support and encourage you to be what you want to be rather that just saying "your perfect the way you are".
In my marriage, my husband and i are eachothers cheerleaders. I think its cockneyed ad unhealthy to expect blind adoration from ones partner. I need him to be an accurate reflection of myself.
Just because he knows im not perfect and vice versa doesnt mean there isnt love there. True love is not going to eschew flaws, but rather loving someone in the midst of their flaws. However, i would never have married someone who doesnt have the desire to continue growing and bettering themself and their health. That requires an accurate self view. Therefore, it wouldnt be fair if i wasnt willing to do the same thing.

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Old 07-13-2011, 02:32 AM   #28  
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Another quick point...

We as women need to quit sizing ourselves up to others. Society has programmed us this way- who wore it better- Taylor Swift or Katie Homes--- why don't they do this with men???

Like I said above, I was not always "fat"- but in high school and college when you are surrounded by super skinny people you can't help but feel insecure. Even if it is not in your body structure to be that tiny. For example, Asians are generally smaller, Italians are more curvy- each beautiful in their own way.

I didn't notice my weight gain because I felt bigger anyway. And before I knew it- it was out of control. That is why we must stop before it gets to that point. Eat healthier (certain foods may make you seem more "puffy" as you put it), exercise, be the best YOU that you can be. But do not get discouraged or feel like "less" because you are not a size 0 like your friend or peers.

I would advise the OP, if you are not confident in your own skin to try to be healthier. Volunteer. Do things you always wanted to do. Learn something new. Work on yourself- because you are worth it. But know that you are unique, you have your own beauty, your own personality- and you are not like anyone else, and you know what- that is a fantastic thing. And when the time and guy are right- he will recognize this, and he will not let you get away.

And for the current guy, I wouldn't necessarily ask him out ask him out (I mean you could- but personally I know I would be to shy to...) but maybe if he wants to see the same movie you want to see or go to some concert or something-- why not be like, hey we should go next Friday... Or if you are closer to one of your friends and they know you like him, maybe go as a group of three and work from there... Maybe he/she (the extra friend) could conveniently have something come up and not be able to go... And voilà!- you have a date... Good luck.
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Old 07-13-2011, 02:51 AM   #29  
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Another quick point...

We as women need to quit sizing ourselves up to others. Society has programmed us this way- who wore it better- Taylor Swift or Katie Homes--- why don't they do this with men???

Like I said above, I was not always "fat"- but in high school and college when you are surrounded by super skinny people you can't help but feel insecure. Even if it is not in your body structure to be that tiny. For example, Asians are generally smaller, Italians are more curvy- each beautiful in their own way.

I didn't notice my weight gain because I felt bigger anyway. And before I knew it- it was out of control. That is why we must stop before it gets to that point. Eat healthier (certain foods may make you seem more "puffy" as you put it), exercise, be the best YOU that you can be. But do not get discouraged or feel like "less" because you are not a size 0 like your friend or peers.

I would advise the OP, if you are not confident in your own skin to try to be healthier. Volunteer. Do things you always wanted to do. Learn something new. Work on yourself- because you are worth it. But know that you are unique, you have your own beauty, your own personality- and you are not like anyone else, and you know what- that is a fantastic thing. And when the time and guy are right- he will recognize this, and he will not let you get away.

And for the current guy, I wouldn't necessarily ask him out ask him out (I mean you could- but personally I know I would be to shy to...) but maybe if he wants to see the same movie you want to see or go to some concert or something-- why not be like, hey we should go next Friday... Or if you are closer to one of your friends and they know you like him, maybe go as a group of three and work from there... Maybe he/she (the extra friend) could conveniently have something come up and not be able to go... And voilà!- you have a date... Good luck.
Well said!

I'm VERY guilty. I ALWAYS compare myself to the other girls and celebrities. I think it's time for a change!!!
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Old 07-13-2011, 03:18 AM   #30  
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Actually, i want someone who doesnt pretend im perfect because no one is perfect. We all have something that we arent satisfied with that we want to work on-- this is a weight loss forum!
I believe true love/best friend/ partner is someone that will support and encourage you to be what you want to be rather that just saying "your perfect the way you are".
In my marriage, my husband and i are eachothers cheerleaders. I think its cockneyed ad unhealthy to expect blind adoration from ones partner. I need him to be an accurate reflection of myself.
Just because he knows im not perfect and vice versa doesnt mean there isnt love there. True love is not going to eschew flaws, but rather loving someone in the midst of their flaws. However, i would never have married someone who doesnt have the desire to continue growing and bettering themself and their health. That requires an accurate self view. Therefore, it wouldnt be fair if i wasnt willing to do the same thing.

A lot of people misunderstanding me. *sigh* I am not suggesting that you should have blind adoration for someone. What if someone is abusive? What if they are an adulterer? Obviously, certain types of relationships should not continue.

I am not insinuating that I or anyone else is "perfect" because "perfect" is an objective term. What is perfect???? Do you know what perfect is? Your idea of perfect may be very different from mine.

If my boyfriend thinks I am perfect-- are you suggesting he is lying to me or he is delusional? I would find that quite offensive. You may feel that if your husband tells you he thinks you are perfect that he is lying. I do not feel that way.

I am by no means perfect - in the beginning of our relationship I would cite numerous examples to prove I wasn't. One example, I am BP (Borderline Personality) and mood swing like nobody's business. But you know what my boyfriend says-- "I love them, they keep me on my toes". Any negative he can find the positive, every thing I am not makes me who I am. No one knows the adversity we have undergone to be together. To him, I am perfect- FOR HIM. And, I don't doubt that for a second because that is how he treats me, like I am the rarest treasure on earth, he would do anything for me. If you don't want to hear that type of adoration from someone- no big deal. It's not your thing. I respect that. But that kind of support, to me, is what people need- at least it is what I need.

I never said people should not want to better themselves or continue to grow and change. I think people should be the best they can personally be. I think it is *impossible* to be perfect and be all things at all times- but we should strive for it. I have my Masters degree I will be getting my Ph.D next fall -- I do not want to stop learning and growing- to me, education is a priority. For some, maybe maintaining a size 2 frame is. Again this is objective.

I am pretty sure I have said in one of my responses that love will find perfection in imperfection, which is some what something you said. I agree, see my above BPD comment.

Look, my guy, he is perfect- FOR ME. No, I am not delusional (all of time ) and I am not blind. I have been through so much stuff and back in my life-- and we just suit each other perfectly. There is no other word for it- in fact that word is not grand enough. And when someone thinks the world of you, it does inspire you to be better. It inspires you to try to like heck to live up to that expectation. He is my biggest supporter and cheerleader as well. But I don't need him to be a "mirror" for me. I personally think it is more unhealthy for someone to list all of your flaws- I mean, you can do that yourself can't you?

My best friend is now living with this guy who she wishes would quit smoking pot, quit drinking would go to counseling for anger and raging, would work out-- does she love him? Yes, I think she loves him. Is that the kind of love I want? Absolutely not. Acknowledging people's flaws just within themselves (she knew the majority of this before they were dating) does not mean that people are not in an unhealthy relationship (see above, abuse, cheaters, etc.). If she blindly thought he was perfect would that be better? No. But I don't think it could be much worse than knowingly staying with someone like this. Again, this is an extreme example to illustrate my point in stark contrast to yours.

I don't know you, personally. But it seems like, from what you say, you do have a loving and healthy relationship that both can grow in and self-improve. You make some valid points. However, I feel you thoroughly misconstrued what I said quite a bit. The problem is people overgeneralizing what I said to their particular circumstance. I think there is a tremendous difference between wanting to be healthy and fit for yourself and your partner and wishing your partner was a particular size and shape that may or may not be realistic and healthy for themselves. Thanks for your input.


"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other. " - Good Will Hunting

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