Another One Night Stand. Another boy claiming he loves the way i look...only to spend all night trying to convince me that in the morning, he'll be there to hold me and take care of me, and that sex is not something i should worry about with him...because he'll ALWAYS be there for me.....LIES!
So on Saturday night i finally got up the courage to go out with this boy named Cliff...he was really sweet...not really my type and not the cutest guy in the world, but hey, i really wanted an emotional connection.
Well we spent a great night just holding hands and talking and laughing and cuddling..then he asked me to stay the night...and i thought "why not? you're 19, he's cute, he diggs you, just go for it!". So i agreed to sleep over...if only snuggling was involved.
Well snuggling was not the only thing on his mind. One thing lead to another and he convinced me that he was the guy who wouldn't just leave in the morning because he thought he could do better than a "curvy" girl. He promised, he begged, he pleaded....so i caved.
The next morning he was on the phone with his ex girlfriend while he thought i was sleeping...begging for her back. He drove me home, tried to make small talk but never tried to held my hand and barely looked at me.
When we got to my place he smiled and said "nice hanging out with you"
and while i was trying to wipe the tears from my cheeks i just shot him a painful glare and whispered "you lied".
This isnt the first time this has happened to me...and this is usually the turning point where i go back to food for comfort. but this time i'm not letting another man into my head. he is not allowed to make me feel like crap! he is not allowed inside my emotional walls. It's time for me to drop this weight and gain the confidence i never really had with men. I'm ready...even with that pain from this weekend...this is my 15th straight day going to the gym and maintaining my low calorie diet. i have lost 11 lbs in 2 weeks and will not let those jerks slow me down! this time it's all about me =]
Wow. Your story is very common and I can relate. Sadly there are ALOT of guys who act this way and pray on girls who they think will fall for it. I think there is definitely a lesson here to be learned and your very brave for sharing your story.
Also you should be VERY PROUD OF YOURSELF for not self destructing and using food to ease your frustration.
We all make mistakes and its fine as long as we learn from it.
The only advice I can give you is to use this a lesson for the future because the smaller and hotter you get the more guys are gonna try to lure you and use your journey against you to break down you good sense.
Lastly, that "emotional connection" that you wrote about wanting I also had a very similar experience but i realized that it had NOTHING TO DO WITH GUYS (like cliff) it had to do with the emotional connection I was missing with myself.
My body and mind was sending me messages about what i needed through my emotions and how i felt about myself subconsciously; I was confusing this with the need for outside validations/connections from others when it was really my mind/body calling me to take action and better my physical and mental health.
It -is- all about you. It's all for you. Do not let another person's actions determine the fate of YOUR weight loss. You are in control!
On the other issue: Don't give in when you don't want to have sex. There's no reason... no relying on promises. You've made it clear in your post that you want an emotional connection. Not PROMISES of an emotional connection. Respect yourself. Just like you're doing now by refusing to turn to food for comfort. Respect yourself enough to actually wait for the emotional connection, and not just promises. You can have confidence, and self-respect at any weight!
You're so brave to post this, and I'm sure everyone is proud of you in that you won't resort to food for comfort.
Now, not all men are scum, just like not all girls are shallow. Some guys just want one thing... and they know how to get it. It's hard to say 'no' when someone is making you feel special. It's hard to say 'no' when your hormones are raging and you're enjoying yourself. It's SO hard to say 'no' when someone makes you really believe you will be able to rely on them.
Here is something I've learned from my own experience. Every guy I have dated that only needed one 'no' and respected that, has pretty mucrh been a keeper. (Not all...) The first guy I was with, pretty much bullied me into sex and it wasn't worth it. He hung around for a long time and bullied me into a great many things I'm not proud of. I lost a lot of self esteem because of him, and a lot of self-respect. However, he taught me something important: "If a guy can't respect your boundaries and your body, he can't respect you. If he doesn't respect you, he doesn't deserve you."
The men that didn't pressure me into anything, drove me home like gentlemen, didn't BEG me to stay a night, and didn't keep kissing and touching and trying to take another step after I told them "Just cuddling..."
Those guys, were all worth it. (Only two though...) Both of them I still have small feelings for and the relationship we had was healthy and I felt amazing during the whole thing. I never let myself hate me when they were around, I always went home smiling, and I could look in the mirror and see someone worth it. Even the break ups, even though they kinda sucked, were healthy. A healthy start, a healthy end.
Don't let the scum guys pretend to be the good guys. Find a guy who doesn't just say he'll be there, but shows you he wants to be.
Skinny girls fall for that, as well.. I was there at one point...well...many times, actually.
I hope that you keep yourself focused in your weight loss progress, keep your mind focused on you, and most importantly learn that you're worth more than that. Eventually, you'll attract more of the right men when they see your confidence and not your vulnerability.
There are a lot of things I can't tell from your post... Like if you were sort of dating this guy... how long you have known him... But it doesn't really matter because what this guy did was totally disrespectful. In my opinion, it seems he took advantage of your weakness. And someone who could do that is a slime ball. My only advice to you would be to get to know someone really well before this happens again. This happens to girls of all shapes and sizes. There are some guys out there looking for one thing and know what to say (and do) to get it-- so please don't think this is a weight thing. I am not sure if you were questioning his intentions- thus his need to reassure you or if he was doing this on his own (the whole, I will still be here in the morning, I will always care)... However that is really irrelevant too. But if you wanted the reassurance I would just say that you need to know your own worth and don't give away your weaknesses/insecurities to someone you don't know very well. When a guy says he will be there the next day-- he will be, even when you flat turn him down. You mention this isn't the first time this has happened-- so my advice to you (again, sorry probably too much advice ) would be to really get to know the guy first. Maybe date for months before something like sleeping with the guy... To me, it seems like you felt this was a mistake because you stated you let him persuade you (you caved) though you initially told him just snuggling. So he disrespected those first wishes. A good guy will respect you and will not push you. And I think you should wait until you are comfortable completely. Until you *know* in your heart of hearts that this guy will be there tomorrow- and every day after. You shouldn't even have to think about it, you should just know. And when you feel like you know, like you have nothing to worry about, then I think that is a good sign you are ready for that kind of intimacy. I admire that you keep an open heart and you can still let people in- this is a great quality to have. You are worth it girl. Don't sell yourself short. And don't let this jerk get in between you and your goals. Do not slide back because of this. Be strong. You can't change what happened with him or anything else in the past- but you can continue to be brave and put one foot in front of the other. You can do it. We are all rooting for you here. And I think all of the advice above me is very good as well.
I have to agree on some level with all the responces so far.
Men are animals plain and simple, men are hard wired to hunt, they get a rush from it and feel special when challenged.
If any one can smooth talk you in to bed, than they feel like anyone can smooth talk you into bed.
If your a challange and it takes effort, emotional investment, dedication, peristsance to get you, than they understand your hard to get and when they finaly get you they feel awsome cuz they did what lesser men could not. They feel that you are secure enuff to pick and choose the very best, and so feel privalged that you picked them and they feel they are special.
And this is why men are drawn to girls with high self esteem. We know at 330lbs that we are still awsome and dont need any one, they are lucky we tollerate them lol.
If you want more than sex you have to expect and except mored than sex.
If you dont trust yourself than name a date and never have sex before than (min was no sooner than 6moths after he said he wants a committed relationship) ...btw Im engaged now
If hes not interrested in you enuff to wait than you shouldnt be invested enuff not too. Sex never starts a relationship unless its a pillow pal/f*ck buddy or booty call and your worth more than being a warm body to push outta bed when he done with you.
so pull up those big girl britches and look in the mirror and say...i AM worth more and I DEMAND more. ....cuz its true.
Here's the thing this happens to everyone fat, skinny, chubby, whatever. But I'm going to say this, if you meet a guy or go out with a guy and ON the first day you sleep with him. There is no future! If a guy asks you to sleep over, say no. It's ALWAYS just about sex, (I don't care how good they are at convincing you) this happens to the best of us. I had it happen a few times when I was younger and in my "fun" stage but I've also done it to other people because why not? Think like a guy and you don't get played like a b!tch is the moto. After it happened to me didn't I get hurt again because lesson learned.
That being said it happens, life learned lesson as you said it's not the first time this has happened, but how about you make it the last? Good on you for not turning to food for comfort. Boys (and I say boys because a real man, acts like a man not some little kid) will always be boys. You have to know where your boundaries are and where your respect for yourself is. If your the one who just wants to have fun and not worry about committment then do it. As you said though you are looking for an emotional connection there for if sex is coming up too soon for you, walk away.
If a guy just wants you for sex he isn't going to stay if you sleep with him and he isn't going to stay if you don't sleep with him. You just gotta look at yourself, learn what you want in life if he isn't giving you what you need or if your GUT is telling you something else. Walk away and always listen to your gut.
Be young, youthful and enjoy life and don't let boys bring you down and stop listening to their lies. Maybe for you, don't sleep with the guy until he's fully 100% comitted to you, until you both are in a relationship. Good luck!
If a man is begging for sex - he's scum. Sex is something that should happen naturally between 2 people who are both 100% ready. If you wanted to go to his place to hang out to find him begging you for intimacy - LEAVE! Make sure you know someone very well before you allow him into a very personal side to your life. A man should be just as cautious as a girl is in relation to sex if they care about them, but if a man just pleads sweet nothings into a girls ear then they are ready to leave them in the morning.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you can learn from this experience. Don't let this get to you, and you're on the completely right track not to turn to food and to allow yourself to exercise in place of bad habits.
If a man is begging for sex - he's scum. Sex is something that should happen naturally between 2 people who are both 100% ready. If you wanted to go to his place to hang out to find him begging you for intimacy - LEAVE! Make sure you know someone very well before you allow him into a very personal side to your life. A man should be just as cautious as a girl is in relation to sex if they care about them, but if a man just pleads sweet nothings into a girls ear then they are ready to leave them in the morning.
Yes! Anyone that begs for sex is desperate, and that's not something you want in your life. There is nothing wrong with choosing to have sex after one day/night, but there is a big problem with being coerced into it with false promises. If you have to set boundaries and they are broken immediately, it's an indication that this is someone who will continue to break boundaries and doesn't respect your decisions. That is a lesson that is not only applicable to sex.
All good points. Also, another good thing to practice is not setting yourself up for failure. When we're losing weight, we throw out all the garbage so we're not tempted by it...same with this kind of circumstance. Make it a rule for yourself NOT to go somewhere private (i.e. your house/ his house) until X amount of dates. Make men earn you, don't give them any free prize. A guy isn't going to chase for long if he's just in it for sex...so set up some standards and boundaries for yourself so you can quickly filter out these guys and avoid getting hurt again.
Thank you all for the advice =] it has helped a great deal. I feel great actually! He is the first guy I didnt dwell on after the day of rejection. Because he was a LOSER and that's that. He didnt settle for me...i settled for him. and i dont need him to make me happy.
DONT do one night stands, they will never call back and think of you poorly. I have a few male friends and listen to the crap they do "testing" girls to see if they put out...seeing if there "good girls".
anyway, dont find love with losers or wanting there acceptance. accept & treasure yourself. your body is a temple and not for some loser to use you for an easy lay. Because obviously its too tough on you to do one night stands b/c you want more (realtionship).
Guys love the chase.. let them chase you and get to know YOU.. not just sex.
I wish I could say this hasn't happened to me before as well. several times in fact, sometimes it evolves sex, sometimes it evolves a guy saying he'd call after a first date and never does...
and when I was skinner, let me tell you it only gets worse. Its not a weight issue, and guys like to prey on girls with low self esteem, may you be bigger of skinner.
DON"T let a guy make you feel this bad about yourself. what's done is done, and you really can't change that, don't look back, just look ahead and take this as a lesson learned on what not to do in the future.
If a man is begging for sex - he's scum. Sex is something that should happen naturally between 2 people who are both 100% ready. If you wanted to go to his place to hang out to find him begging you for intimacy - LEAVE! Make sure you know someone very well before you allow him into a very personal side to your life. A man should be just as cautious as a girl is in relation to sex if they care about them, but if a man just pleads sweet nothings into a girls ear then they are ready to leave them in the morning.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you can learn from this experience. Don't let this get to you, and you're on the completely right track not to turn to food and to allow yourself to exercise in place of bad habits.
Ah, I love your post! Agreed x100000! As already pointed out, it also applies to women of all sizes.
If he begs to you, chances are he begs other women to put out too. Sleazy men are predators. They go after any women who shows any signs of insecurity, again, regardless of their size.
One Night Stand =[
You can have confidence, and self-respect at any weight!
) would be to really get to know the guy first. Maybe date for months before something like sleeping with the guy... To me, it seems like you felt this was a mistake because you stated you let him persuade you (you caved) though you initially told him just snuggling. So he disrespected those first wishes. A good guy will respect you and will not push you. And I think you should wait until you are comfortable completely. Until you *know* in your heart of hearts that this guy will be there tomorrow- and every day after. You shouldn't even have to think about it, you should just know. And when you feel like you know, like you have nothing to worry about, then I think that is a good sign you are ready for that kind of intimacy. I admire that you keep an open heart and you can still let people in- this is a great quality to have. 
You are worth it girl. 
