Upset
 

So I'm probably being oversensitive because I know boys will be boys, but i'm really upset. My boyfriends friends came over tonight and it's been a horrible night. I made a big dinner for him and his friends, but I was good and didn't eat it (burritos, so fattening!) and had my lean chicken and broccoli dinner as planned. I ate my slimfast bar and behaved, but one of my friends was over and she had chocolate, which she gave me a small piece of, thus garnering the judgement of his friend who lectured me on dieting (the man is a twig and has never been on a diet in his life, but who thinks his girlfriend is a goddess because she's lucky enough to be naturally skinny and has mentioned before how he didn't want to show us a picture because us poor ugly girls would be jealous) and tells me i need to excercise, even though i have a back injuring that makes it hard for me to do household chores let alone workout. I'm doing my best with my situation and his lecture made me run into my room and cry. I am on the verge of becoming anorexic again (i've already had panic attacks because of food in my kitchen) and it's been really hard to try and be healthy and lose weight. I went to my room and cried, but then the boy talked me back out saying his friend was just trying to help, well a little while later his friend pulled up a picture of a half naked skinny blonde girl and even though I was sitting right next to my boyfriend his reaction to this picture was a resounding "niiiiiiiiiiice". He knows how sensitive I am about things like that, (especially after they're conversation about how the best way to keep a long term relationship is to cheat) and the fact that he still has feelings for his very tiny ex. I feel inadequate and instead of helping or making things better he's thoughtless and mean and his recently single friend is really starting to put a wedge between us. Please talk to me, this is really upsetting me and i'm so scared because I feel like being full on anorexic again. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

Ugh people are so insensitive sometimes. I think sometimes people just dont know because they havent been there, like the skinny guy that was telling you to exercise, and theres people who are just downright rude and dont think before they speak. You are doing so well, sticking to your meal plan when there was temptation, not only in the form of tasty food but also in terms of time and effort of making 2 meals. Have you ever got help for your anorexia and/or panic attacks btw? It might be useful for you, you never know, but im sure you've thought about that anyway. Why are you with a guy who still has feelings for his ex, who is thoughtless and mean?? That doesnt sound like a nice place for you to be :<

Remember, even if you are tiny tiny tiny, people will always make hurtful comments and upset you. Thats not about your weight or losing weight, its about being steady enough to take that and know that you are a valuable person, doing all they can to lead a healthy and happy life, and if they can only get kicks out of making mean comments to you, and cheating to make long distance relationships work and all that jazz, then thats their pathology, not yours :)

Exactly ^^

Who are you trying to lose weight for? your boyfriend's friends?

I mean come on, to lecture you about eating a piece of chocolate, so he expects you never to eat chocolate again?! C'mon, get real. It's more difficult to eat chocolate on a diet than not, you had one small piece which shows you can practice restraint, I'd be worried that if someone offered me chocolate I'd demolish the entire bar and then some. He was being completely unreasonable and was out of line. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it because it wasn't you who did anything wrong.

As for the cheating, I don't know... I've been there and I know how hard it is to walk away from someone who has that attitude, especially when you really love them (in my case he actually cheated a lot, even got someone else pregnant and spent the entire relationship pining after her). There is a difference between saying you'll cheat and actually cheating. Maybe it's your boyfriend showing off in front of his friends. But he really does sound incredibly immature even if that's not the way he really feels.

As for the anorexic thing, why do you feel that way, you know that it doesn't lead anywhere and it won't keep you slim so I wonder if you're trying to punish yourself for your boyfriend's attitude?

Hopefully as your weight comes off (And stays off because you practiced restraint and you allowed yourself chocolate every now and then) you'll start to really appreciate how strong you are and how difficult this is and really begin to love yourself and see what you're capable of. Then I can't imagine you tolerating that kind of bull**** that comes from guys who frankly sound like total misogynists.

It sounds like, through bragging, he's trying to punish you for his break up with his ex, and I don't think it has anything to do with you, I think he would do it to me or Iconised Ghost or any woman he comes into contact with. I know that you won't believe me but there are other guys out there that will treat you better than that, and I know you think that they won't be attracted to you, or that you don't deserve one, or that'll you'll never meet one.

I honestly felt the same and you'll meet him through a freak incident. I've been with a physicall abusive cheater, I've been with an emotionally withdrawed cheater, I've been with an emotionally abusive guy and then I met my current boyfriend who is none of those things, call me crazy but he actually wants to be with me. I'm not saying he's 'the one' or that we're going to run off and get married or whatever because my experiences with those other guys has killed that side of me, but for the first time in my life I'm in a healthy relationship and that's completely changed my perception of men and relationships and if this relationship breaks down, I know it's possible to meet another like him and have a healthy relationship. Trust me.

I'm know I'm repeating what people have said but seriously, your boyfriend and his friends sound like jerks! I know it's easy for us to say "why are you with someone like that?" but really, if he's not understanding of your problems and he's got feelings for someone else then it's just not working! If someone says that cheating is a-ok, run for the exit! There are people out there who don't think like that!

You look stunning, and you're lighter than me! Don't become anorexic, it causes so much harm to your body it's unbelievable. We can do this the right way, and it will work. It might take some time, effort and some emotional barriers but we can break through it and be better people.

But please, you need to surround yourself with people who are focused on YOU and your well-being. Your boyfriend just seems to be saying all the right things to keep you around but if you're saying out loud that he's in a group of friends who think cheating is ok he's bound to be influenced by their bravado. Some men are like animals, they're so pathetic! We're way better than them.

Don't let some shallow git tell you what to do over a piece of chocolate! If I were there I would've been right beside you putting him in his place and telling him his skinny *** girlfriend is probably a whore. Wow, sorry about that, you've got me involved now the anger is coming out!

Cheer up sweety, you'll be fine. Don't resort to something so drastic over one night. You're going to do well, you've got all the support on this board!

Thank you<3
 

Thanks for all the support. You guys are wonderful. You've made me feel so much better<3 :hug:
The sad part is, that afternoon when I was getting ready for his friends to come over I was looking in the mirror all happy because I look a lot better than i did 13 lbs ago.
As for the boy, he is really never like that, he's always been supportive and loving, it's just that his friend has just broken up with the girlfriend and riastrella it was because she was exactly what you called her lol and so he's been all grumpy and crule (hence the jerky lecture on my diet). Plus they were drinking, he wasn't drunk, but he was tipsy and he always becomes immature and thoughtless when he's buzzed. It brings up a lot of problems in our relationship that we dealt with a year ago, when he told me about the feelings for his ex, then he came back saying he didn't really, it was just nostalgia over his first love. He finished the night by calling me crazy because I was upset with him over the whole thing which he said was a joke because he could never cheat and he only wants me and saying he can comment on any picture he wants and i shouldn't feel insecure then he promptly fell asleep.

Everything Riestrella said x 1000.

Goody, consider the source of such toxic comments. They sound like incredibly immature, self-centered, egotistic boys who have yet to grow up. As hard as it is to do, take a deep breath and tell yourself those children don't matter. What's important is YOU. YOUR health, YOUR future. Whether that includes the current boy or not. YOU are worth MORE than their petty, snide, childish remarks.

YOU are doing great. YOU are awesome and will continue to be awesome and you do not need their approval of the number on the scale or the size of your pants to feel validated. :hug:

<3
 

Really guys, thank you so much for all the support. Waking up to all these nice things and supportive comments really made me feel so much better<3 :hug:

haaaahaha. those guys are such f'ing pussies. there's tons of that kind around here. i can handle those guys. but i frusterated w/ the ones who are shy & have zero confidence. they're no fun. & are a bore to date. they are, however, long-term material.

i don't pay any attention to idiocy like that. it's pure nonsense. straight up garbage. moronic behaviour doesn't make me tingle down below. ;)

sure, it some-what iirks me when they drool over victoria's secret women. i feel comfortable w/ those comments when i look like that. but those occasions usually occur when i'm carrying around 10 or 20 lbs. it's only natural to feel bad about gaining weight & no longer looking like that.

but i stay strong for other women to look up to me. & women do, i've been told.

it's also only natural for men to oggle women with sex appeal. i do the EXACT same thing. i drool over guys who have sex appeal, such as powerlifters, etc. i'm a VERY visual person. i'm way more visual than any guy i've ever met. & i'm VERY vocal about it. ;) i'm WAY worse than the worst "man" is w/ that stuff.

& you know how some guys think their p3n0r is the best thing in the world? aaaaaaaaaaahahaha. yea f'ing right. fck that shti. get a clue, "man". my clit runs this shti. men need US for our vags. we have toys. they don't. they may as well pay me $ if they want me to be their fck buddy. & the s3x is never worth it; ever. selfish lovers. typical.

Hey, girl. Don't let him and his stupid friend get you down. You are worth so much more than to be brought down by them. My husband's friends, now my friends, are supportive of me and wouldn't dream of criticizing me for eating some chocolate (long as I share!). Maybe your man needs some new friends-of maybe you need a new man (or no man). Seriously girl, I know it's hard to just laugh mean comments off, but you sure as heck don't need to put up with it

Wow. You deserve better. Anyone deserves better! A man is supposed to support you, make you feel beautiful, and kick anyones butt who says mean things to you, or at least threaten to! This guy sounds like he doesn't respect you very much, to let his friend talk to you that way and "joke" about cheating. o_O What is that anyway. You may love him, but that doesn't mean you should accept him treating you whatever way he wants to. Stick up for yourself, to him and his friends! You don't need him, and he should know that being with you is a gift.

Ditto to all of the above. And I would add, be up front with your boy. Mail him the first post. Tell him that you were hurt, even if he didn't mean to hurt you. He should know already, but if he's too dense to notice, talk to him when he's not buzzed, so hopefully next time he'll remember and be the man you know him to be and deserve.

I read about something today called the bike-shed theory. Basically, you compare building a nuclear power plant to building a bike shed. Most people know they don't know the first thing about building something as complex as a nuclear power plant, so they shut up. But everyone thinks they know how to build a bike shed, and will fight/lecture about even the most minute details.

Losing weight is a nuclear power plant, not a bike shed. It's even MORE complicated, actually, because the weight loss equation is different for every single person, but most ESPECIALLY between men and women.

Take their advice with a grain of salt. And as for the boy...men can be thoughtlessly insensitive at times. YOU have to decide if it's just a temporary thing, or if it's affecting the way you look at yourself. In this one, I speak from experience: the minute you feel like you're always walking on eggshells, get out, because it WILL destroy your self-esteem and security in all your relationships, and it isn't something that can be fixed.

Sometimes, the friends reflect the true personality of the person you're dating. It can be that this was a one time thing and he's just insecure but from what you've said, my gut says he's a jerk.

If I were around his friend again and he said something close to this again, I would simply state "I am who I am and if I change it's for me, not to make you happy. My weight, weight loss, food choices, etc are not open for discussion. If you have an issue with this you know where the door is. It's your choice."

I would then discuss it in private with the boyfriend after everyone leaves. It's never OK to cheat, it's not appropriate to ogle over someone's half naked girlfriend in front of their SO, it's not OK to let your friends belitting your girlfriend and keep mum about it. These aren't hard concepts. If he argued about any one of them, it's a bad sign in my book.

He doesn't sound like a good person for anyone let alone someone who's trying to conquer some pretty significant issues with food. I'm afraid from your description of him he could lead to some serious "backsliding" into anorexia territory. Please remember to take care of yourself first, mentally and physically, even if that includes getting rid of an emotional parasite. Good luck on difficult discussions and potentially hard choices. :hug:

Honestly he is never like that any other time then when this particular friend is being antagonizing. Usually he's very good to me and very careful because he knows about my food history. When I started to backslide he was the one making me eat. He was in the kitchen when his friend was being a total jerk so i'm not sure what he would have done had he heard, but his other friends stood up for me and later after the jerk had fallen asleep they were all really comforting. He was passed out by this point though. When I tried to talk to him about it he got pissed and said I was overreacting because all he did was respond to a picture that his friend showed him, which put in that terms ok, but knowing that it was a picture of a half-naked girl while his girlfriend is right next to him, kinda changes it a little. He finally realized though when I walked out and took a walk for two hours that he'd done something wrong and when I came back he was apologetic and took me shopping and for frozen yogurt to make up for being such a creep. Honestly, if this was something that's happened more than once or twice, when he's drunk and has that bad influence friend around, then I would consider leaving, but normally he's really good to me and we have a really good life.

It is hard to judge what's going on in someone's life even if your right there so it's even more difficult from the internet which is why I try to tread lightly. Only you can know with certainty if this is a continuous issue that will cause problems.

Maybe you need to talk to him about the friend. If your boyfriend finds the friends comments and attitude inappropriate it may be that your boyfriend has outgrown him and is dropping down to his level to avoid admitting he might not truly be a friend anymore.

The only thing you can do is keep communication lines firmly open and see where everything goes. You have the right not to feel belittled regardless of what food choices you make. They're your choices to make and no one elses.

Edited to add: By the way, how did the other woman react when her jerky boyfriend pulled out a half naked picture of her? Wonder how long it will take for the guy to post it on the internet when they break up (if he hasn't already!).