Okay, here's the short version. Went to college, dropped out 2nd semester junior year, realized that if I'm 21 and not in college I lose my Tricare(health insurance), Had to lose almost 50 pounds FAST to join the Navy, Navy rejected me b/c of asthma attack at 13.
I was bulimic for a little over a year and a half. For the first six to eight months I was throwing up everyday multiple times a day and I have been binging and purging randomly ever since. At my heighest weight I was 205,my lowest 148, and I cried that day. I would love to be back there but everytime I start dieting I start my old ways. I count calories,carbs and fat grams and realize that I shouldn't have eaten so-and-so but mostly I get upset about something and head for the pantry or fridge.Part of it is because I know I can eat it and it will feel good and then I can get rid of it and that feels good too.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2 years and he has know from the begining that I had an issue and he really helped me through times when I would have eaten but I've "stopped" doing that now so...yeah the issue is that my job has a flip flopping schedule so I decided to go on Depo-provera(worst mistake ever). I gained 27 pounds in 3 months! I feel horrible! After that initial weight I was depressed and ashamed so I kinda stopped caring and gain another 10-ish pounds.My boyfriend still tells me I'm beautiful but Hello!!I know he would prefer me how he found me.lol. Today I am 194 pounds and I am tired of it.I'm ready to lost all this ugly fat but I'm just so afraid I'll start up again. I mean, I can't allow myself to do that again. It's very emotional and you hate yourself at the end of the day.I just want to lose weight. I have all my "skinny clothes" packed up, I gotta get slim before they're out of style!!!I'm ready to do it teh "right way".

okay,that's all.lol.I don't knwo what teh point of me writing is. Kind of like a public exclamation! I am ready!!!

okay,just so everyone know, I had more puncuation and paragraphs and stuff like that, I just don't knwo what happened.lol

I understand how you feel. I, myself, was a former bulimic and sometimes it does get obsessive. The first step is you really have to know your disease and be sure you're done with it [well, as done as you can be...the thoughts will come up but you HAVE to be strong or it'll get you]. I know for me that took a lot of counseling and self refelction. Perhaps you could start with focus on healthy eating and not necessarily on weight. Be careful to not fall in the weigh daily trap. That always is what gets me obsessive. I know when I first began I focused more so on health and less on weight and the weight came off. Bad weeks still have me feeling down and I do sometimes still binge and fight the urge to purge but I just have to keep reminding myself that it is only a temporary fix and not really a fix at that. There really is no rhyme or reason to my reply other than to let you know that you are not alone! [which I think is good because I know I felt that way] If you ever need to talk, I've got you.

I, too, used to be eating disordered. I spent years of my life letting food control me, and it's a slippery slope every time I realize I'm a little heavier than I want to be. I understand the struggles well.

I'm with redless - counting calories and giving yourself something to control doesn't always work well for people like us. I know I have a tendency to binge or restrict when I put rules on what I can and can't eat.

I am an intuitive eater, and I realize my strategy won't work for everyone, but it's brilliant for me. I buy expensive foods that I love, and I make eating an experience. When I sat down and really thought about it, I like fresh parmesan and filet mignon and shrimp WAY better than potato chips or fast food. So why was I eating 2 $1 burgers or chicken sandwiches from fast food places?

I know expensive foods aren't in everyone's budget, but for me, spending a lot on my food makes me appreciate it more, so I eat less. I'll spend a lot on groceries for just me (especially if you consider I'm the bargain hunter type!), but I'll eat it in smaller portions and only when I'm hungry. I also find that - for me - bulk eating is not good. Even if it's healthy foods like veggies, eating bulk *really* makes it hard for me to now have the urge to binge.

I don't know if any of that helped, but I'm glad to chat any time you'd like. I think disordered eating is a struggle for life, and I think it's easier if you have support.

Hi there,

You should be proud of yourself for first recognizing that you want to change. I recently read a book "Women, Food, and God." It's about women and their trouble dealing with food. We use it as a way to cope. She terms women in two different types of groups "moderaters" and "permitters". She discusses how food can truly be a distraction to the feelings that you are having in the moment, and how eating is pushing us all away from our greater selves.

I liked the book because she doesn't focus on being "too fat" or "too skinny". In fact, in her lifetime, Geneen Roth, has gained and lost over a thousand pounds. Her new method for healthy living is far beyond calorie counting and far beyond binge eating: it's just eating when you are hungry.

But why is this so hard for many of us? Because for many of us, we like to eat. We like to taste this or taste that. We like to indulge in something big.

I have been working on myself at 3fatchicks for a while, and I can tell you that the people on these boards are increidibly supportive. The support I have gotten from people on 3fatchicks greatly outweighs the support I could have gotten from people in my non-virtual life.

I guess my advice for you is to take your time with this. Learn and realize that you want to make a change in your life. If the fear of a diet scares you, then just stop calling it a "diet".

I have stopped doing that--in my mind---for many reasons. I am not going to live a life of deprivation! Call it something that you can relate to better--like a lifestyle change. Learn how you can go out to eat on diet. Learn how to regulate yourself in any social situaton. Learn that eating chips and queso from your favorite mexican restaurant won't kill you're diet---but ordering a whole taco plate will (I always just order an al acart taco now, lol).

The changes I have seen in my life have been tremendous. Not only am I eating less these days, but I am also spending less money. As I learn how much I truly don't need to eat, the more I realize the less I need.

Just like shelter and love---we all need it. We need shelter---but we don't need a mansion. And love---we all know that if you have enough friends to count on one finger, you are a very lucky person.

And the same is with food, I realize. I do need shelter, love, and food to survive---but I don't need that much to get by.

Take your time, and try at first to just eat less. Try to make gradual changes. Don't be scared of a diet. Don't even be scared of being fat. Be scared of the person inside of you who is trying to distract you from these feelings and these thoughts that you have.

Since you did have an eating disorder, I don't reccommend over-thinking anything! Just take small, happy baby steps to your goal, until you are ready to make another bigger step.

Even when women lose the weight, they can still look in the mirror and say "What's wrong with me?"

Make this a spiritual journey as much as it is a physical one.