Weekly Chat April 18th to the 24th
 

Good Morning Ladies

It’s been a pretty busy week for me, if I don’t work my first job I pretty much don’t have time to post on here. This weekend I worked a double at my second job, 10:30 to 2:45 went and did my taxes got a pretty good number back at first I was a little disappointed because I wanted more but you know I should be happy anyways. Then I went back to work at 5:30 until 8:45 and was off to Boys house when things kind of went downhill there. I went to the liquor store to grab vodka and went inside since he was sitting in the shed with his boys. I took a shower and did whatever else I was doing so for about an hour I was on my own which kind of pissed me off to begin with, not to mention I was tired and I really didn’t go all that way to hang out in a smokey shed with two guys he see’s pretty much every day.

Then he came in and sat at the computer and I started drinking he was drinking beer and I was just sitting on his bed with my red book doing my numbers and ****. I was randomly talking about a bunch of stuff and he turns around to me and goes holy **** you’re talkative tonight….I’m never talkative because I can hardly get in two words because he never shuts up. So he saw a little bit of a different side to me, and pretty much told me I was being a twit when we went out for a smoke in the shed. I wasn’t doing anything stupid I was just talking, (I wasn’t even talking about other guys or ANYTHING like he does with me) we talked about debt a bit, him buying a house with his brother and that he was going to move on the outskirts of the city and I pretty much told him good luck with that, (simply because I’m not going to be driving back and forth for an hour of my time to go out and see him especially on days I work. I didn’t say that to him of course but I thought it) Then later on I got mad at him because he said he wasn’t going to you know with me. That’s when I turned around and said are you even into me? And he said obviously or you wouldn’t be here as often. I turned around and said well it sure doesn’t feel like it. It didn’t have anything to do with the sex he seems to think it was but it more had to do with the fact that he pretty much ignored me all night and I know that because for an hour I spent silent while I was texting people on my phone because he just didn’t want to talk to me.

I fell asleep and in the middle of the night he was completely snuggled right up to me. Well the next morning he was pissed off at me I pretended like I didn’t know what I said to him the night before and he got up and went for a smoke, for 45 minutes he didn’t come back in and I was packing up my stuff and texting people. When he came back in he was all loveable and snuggling up to me. I was pissed and moody (which seems to be me lately since I started birth control which I am now going off of it. I don’t care, but he doesn’t need to know that. **** I haven’t even been on it that long.) So we ended up spending the day and I was pretty much silent, he would talk to me and I just would shrug or whatever him and hardly engaged in the conversation. He told me he pretty much wanted me to go home last night and I said you should have just told me to go. Of course being drunk he wouldn’t and I said well then you should have told me in the morning to leave and he said no because at that time I was sober. I said whatever and went back to being pretty much silent, and he was being snuggly and loveable and I was pretty much being cold and distant. I don’t think I was being *****y, sometimes my attitude came out because he was being a prick but whatever. Yet in the end I feel bad about it and I don’t think I was in the wrong. Sorry I really just needed to rant about that.

So I’m pretty much maintaining my weight recently which is fine, but I really want to start working out again. So I think I should grab shower stuff like shampoos and body wash, along with a towel and go to the gym after work before job number two since I have time to do that. I’m kind of enjoying the fact that I’m pretty busy lately minus the first job where I sit and do nothing, but once I get to go home and head to the second job things are good. I get paid again today which is awesome and I get tips, which I think I can just use to buy like fruit and small groceries which is something I am kind of liking. So I pretty much can never run out of bread haha.

Hope you ladies have a wonderful day.

indiblue [from the last thread] - ****ty on the scale, is there any place you can go to up there where you are able to weigh yourself?

So I decided to bite the bullet and registered for a 10K in August. I've done a couple of 5K in the past - but even then I had to walk a bit and jog slowly the rest. So, I signed up for the 10K portion instead of the 5K so I HAVE to push myself in the next few months. No more excuses and laziness! This 10K actually looks really really fun. It's a "night run" so it takes place when the sun goes down. Everyone gets a Nightlife Tshirt (funky Tshirt by Brooks for night time running as it has reflectors) and a headlamp to wear. I also plan on styling some glow sticks and whatever else I can find! So I am pretty excited for this race as it sounds actually fun, lol.

HI :)
I'm starting C25K today, and I'm getting it in GEAR :D woo! Haha. Trying to get all pumped up. I've been such a slacker lately, and using exercise as an excuse to eat whatever I want, but no more of that. Strict calorie counting from here on.
Hope everyone's having a good Monday. MiZ, that sounds crazy ab your boy, he seems to have an unappealing attitude :/

Hi everyone!

OMG I am cramping SO BADLY today. I cannot take any pain medicine because I'm having my tonsils removed Wednesday, and the pain meds make you more susceptible to bleeding. I'm usually popping motrin like candy at this point...but I cannot take anything. I'm constantly nauseous and I feel super weak. I don't know how people lived without medicine...I couldn't handle this. If I didn't have a paper to write, I'd be curled up in bed right now sleeping.

On a positive note, my ZUMBA DVDs come tomorrow!! I'm so excited. =D

April 18th
 

Hi all-

I've decied that I am going to start participating in this weekly chat thread daily, I think that it will be more helpful for me. I recently checked out this book from the library called "Women, God and food"; the whole book is about how even if a woman is holding onto the same twenty pounds for years, it probably has to do with some emotional issues she is dealing with, and trying to coax down with food.

I read the book, thought, yahhhh right. Then---get this---the same day I read the book I have a major binger after being 10 days free without binge eating. It wasn't horrific binge eating, I drank a root beer, had some popcorn, ate a tiny little ice cream, some cookies---but seriously---nothing CRAZY. Then it made me think that maybe the book, while I was reading it, was bringing up some issues I didn't want to deal with?

And I think that's why I had a binger, because the book made me realize all the craziness going on inside of me. All the issues. And it starts to stir up and drive me a little crazy.

It's nice to know that I am anonymous here. It's important that I stay that way here, because I do need a place to vent and learn more about myself.

There are some deep pains within myself that I am trying to heal, but I guess the first part of the journey is realizing that you have them. Over this weekend, I have narrowed down where some of my theorical weight-issues (according to Women, God and Food):

(1) sibling rivalry with my sister
(2) alcoholism and addiction issues in my family
(3) self esstem problems

The book was very interesting, because she talks about women who lose 100+ pounds are at a perfect weight, and still feel like everything is wrong.

At this point, I am trying to start to believe that I am happy at the weight I am at right now. Although I can focus on the number in the weekly weigh-in, it's important that I focus on my mental health here.

I need to work some of these fundamental issues out here.

I'll be tuning in tomorrow!

Miz- I am really sorry to hear that your guy isn't being cool. It's lame of him to tell you that he is going to move an hour away. I am glad to hear that you aren't going to see him if he moves that far away. He sounds super annoying---erg! And did he really call you a "twit"? Sounds like he is more of twit himself! lol---don't lose sight of who the real twit in the relationship is. I've read a lot of posts that you have talked about him in, and he doesn't sound the grandest. I'll be honest---if you lose him, it won't be the worst thing that happens to you. As of right now, just think of him in terms of "just a boy", because he doesn't deserve you girlie.

Sweet- Congrats on getting geared up for your first 10k! I tried to do my first 10k last September after I got my wisdom teeth and failed miserably. I'm preparing to do my first sucessful 10k on July 17th, so I guess we'll see how I do then. I'm also training for my first triathlon in June, so I'm excited about that coming around.

Munch- Congrats on starting a 5k program!

I just feel really quiet lately. It's rainy, I'm tired, nothing great or terrible has happened lately, etc. Eating lower calorie (under 1400) is starting to feel easy and normal, which is good I guess. The weather is very uncooperative with my desire to run outside sadly; it's been about a week since I last went though I did other cardio (long speed walks, Tae Bo etc) just about every day since.

MiZ What?! He sounds like he's having a man-period or something! Don't put up with that for too long!

SweetScrumptious That's a darn good motivator to keep on track with training. Would be awesome if they made it into a "silent rave" with FM transmitters for all the runners. I like the idea of the nightlife theme!

munchievictim Have a good C25K workout, that's how I got into running/jogging!

DivineFidelity Sorry to hear you're so crampy :( May it pass quickly! I didn't know they made Zumba DVDs, I feel like I'm living under a rock here in Japan.

librarygirl111 The mental health part is definitely the most important and most difficult thing to work through. Looking forward to seeing you around here!

Just checking in to give myself at least a smidgen of accountability. Miss you ladies but still don't have time to do the personals. I am reading stuff though.

New job = so so so busy.

Bedtime now, very much looking forward to the 4 days off over Easter!

Still alive, still busy, still getting up at 5am to do runs! Also looking forward to easter- cannot come fast enough! hopefully i'll have some time then to catch up with everyone!

Also portal 2 zomg

Well my cramping is not as bad this morning, so that is good. It's my last day of work before surgery. I've been trying to get everything set up for the teacher who's going to be substituting for a week. I made copies of all the kids work and got all the materials together, but I still feel like I'm missing something. I really hope the kids aren't absolutely horrible. I teach Pre-K, so my kids are 4 and 5 years old...and we're having a problem convincing them that my Co-Teacher and I are not the only people who they need to listen to, and that all the other teachers in the school are also their teachers and so they need to stop misbehaving for them. For us, they are usually fairly well behaved, but everyone else says they are impossible...and that's because the kids think they only have to be good for their teachers, and they think that we are their only teachers. I just hope they're going to be okay while I'm gone. I even have to miss one of my student's birthday parties. Oh well.

Krampus - Yeah, they sell the Zumba DVDs on either the Zumba website or on Amazon. They're not cheap, but hopefully they are worth it. lol

rainbowstripe - How do you like the new job? I'm looking forward to Easter too, but at the same time I'm not because since my tonsils are coming out Wednesday I won't even be able to eat anything. Bummer. I guess the only good thing is that I'll still be on track with my diet. lol.

Iconised Ghost - I've got portal 2 downloading right now...if my internet will ever decide to stop kicking me from xbox live....lol. Dling it on my boyfriend's xbox AND on mine. I'm so excited! =D

So I’m on TOM again, because I decided to take BC but it was making my moods wacked so I stopped taking it not even finishing the month. Now I’m going to get my period around this time. Bahaha. Whatever I don’t care I hate BC anyways. Boy is stupid, were just getting on each other’s nerves as of lately everything I say bugs him and when he comes over and just plays on his phone out right pisses me off. (also besides the fact everything pisses me off and makes me want to cry lately!!! Grrr) At least snuggle with me for **** sakes, or give me a kiss and ask me how my day was. He asked me what my status meant last night and I said I was at work. He’s like oh I didn’t know you worked your second job today…of course you didn’t because anything that doesn’t revolve you, you don’t give a **** about. I’m done ranting about him, I removed his number from my phone so I won’t bother texting him. I don’t have time for bull**** or drama anyways, I was thinking I need a hobby but if I would just start and get my *** in gear and begin working out again I wouldn’t have time to think about ****…other then on my boring 8 hour long job where I do nothing…I need to change that because it’s making me more exhausted and I’ve been on a b!tch fest as of lately….

Sweet – I’ll be joining you on that one! P.S If you move back to Kelowna I’m coming with you haha.

Divine – Yay for Zumba DVD’s and boo for your period!

Munchie – Congrats on starting C25K. Sweets and I were or are doing that too, I just work two jobs now so it’s harder for us to get together on it.

librarygirl111 The mental health part is definitely the most important and most difficult thing to work through. Looking forward to seeing you around here!
(I stole Kramps personal, because she took the words out of my mouth haha! I know talk about lazy eh?)

Krampus – Don’t even get me started on weather…One week it’s beautiful and ALL the snow melted and then BAM SNOW STORM AND COLD AGAIN! I’d say it’s because of the mountains, but B.C had mountains and they don’t get snow like this. Grrrrr

Rainbow – Miss you to! Glad your job is keeping you busy!

Icon – 5 am runs…what are you crazy?! I’m not even enjoying 5am wake ups to go to work! Haha

So I fell asleep around 1am last night and I have to say I’m not that tired. I got paid from job #2 yesterday they really don’t take any taxes off…I’m glad I did my little bit extra or else I would have gotten only like 10$ of taxes taken off instead of the extra 50 I put on for the gov’t to take. Kind of ******ed but whatever. More money makes me happy. I really want the new Jillian book, I’m going to cash in my cheque today, pick up some groceries until next Friday (pay day again haha) and then buy her book, that’ll keep me busy next week! :)

Anyways ladies hope you have a wonderful day!

MiZ: Girl! 2 JOBS? Wow. That's a lot how do you manage?...and as for the boy poooo on him for not asking how your day was...I hate it when my husband doesn't bother asking about how my day was..or how I'm doing..and only cares about hisself sometimes! Hopefully your mood gets better!

Divine: Don't think we've met! I haven't been on in awhile and there is a bunch of new faces!! Congrats on the weightloss so far!

Icon: I feel ya with being busy..it's been awhile since I've posted on here and I feel so unaccountable! I'm hoping to get a good workout in today if the storms don't get too bad!

Rainbow: Hope the job is going well!!

Krampus: It's raining here also. It sucks and we are also due to get some wild weather tonight..hoping it don't get too bad!

That's all the time I have for personals right now..hopefully I can get too some more later. I hope all yall are doing well! This job, schoolwork, is keeping me very busy and I have very little time to do anything besides work, study and sleep! Anytime I get a chance to get on here ..I get distracted. My weight has been iffy these past 3 days. I dropped down to 127 and was VERY shocked..but the past 2 days have been back up to 129..so I don't know what is going on. Going to try to get a good workout in today and eat right..hopefully it will drop back down. I miss all yall! :)

JLNichols - nice to meet you too! I frequented the forums about a year ago...and I don't see too many familiar faces around here anymore. I actually lost 71 lbs total...but i've gained a lot back..so ignore me when i'm acting like I haven't accomplished anything. I'm just really bummed about gaining 50 lbs back....but I have to keep in mind that i'm still 20 lbs away from my highest weight, and it could be much worse.

JL – Money…how I’m managing well it’s only week one and I have to say I’m pretty tired but when I get the 3rd and 4th pay a month from job number two it’s a reminder as to why I’m doing it haha, also the tips. Now my problem is trying to get back into working out while I do this…I need to get back on track with things, I’ve been hovers between 153 and 155.

Happy Tuesday
 

Yay!

I'm glad it's Tuesday instead of Monday now.

My weight is going back down to my regular 151, today I was 152.4. I am sure I will probably be back in the 151s tomorrow. I am eating better, and I feel confident about making choices.

Last night, I had a very stressful night with family issues. In angst, I wanted to eat. I told my hubby to drive through Wendy's where I got a 5-piece chicken nugget and a packet of BBQ sauce. Not too bad for only 300 calories. I was proud b/c it fit within my calorie limits for the day.

Now that I am getting closer to my ten-pound weight loss goal, I've noticed a lot changes in myself---mentally especially. When I finally get to my weight goal, I don't want to think about it as a cure-all. Instead, I want to think about my 20 pound weight-loss adventure as a time when i truly learned more about myself.

Something that is exciting to me, is that I do not smoke pot or drink beer at all anymore. I've managed to stop completely, and learn how to do it in strict moderation. This is probably one of the biggest accomplishments.

As for metnally, I have been revisiting my childhood and my family life to heal my inner child. I've become a lot closer to myself. This morning, I said to my husband "Look, maybe when you are 8 years old and you learn the only thing you can do to stop the anger is agree---agreee--agree---because all you want to do is play with toys in your bedroom, then you will start to realize why my family is the way they are."

I'm learning a lot about that inner child---the child who liked to spend a lot of time alone, doesn't like to get to close to people, and probably worries to much about the anger and perceptions of others.

How do I stop caring about the perceptions of others? How do I release myself from the anger/fear I feel towards the people in my daily life?

Example: My coworkers always fill me with fear. I always feel like I am not doing my job as good as they want. When they whisper, I feel like its always about me.

What's that about? I guess it's this constant need to have people accept me. I need to dig a little deeper into this.

Why do I need these coworkers to accept me? Becuase if they don't accept me, I can't accept myself.

That's why I have to not care if they accept me. If my bosses and coworkers want to fire me, they will. I have no control over it. I can only try my best, and live life day-to-day.

Living life in fear is horrible. I have been doing it for way too long. I live in fear that people will think I am messing up, that I am doing this wrong, or that I am going to completley ruin everything. I live in fear that my next move will always be my last.

When I look at my childhood, it makes sense. A rocky childhood filled with a yelling household and an alcholic mother who wants to die is enough to make any adult feel like the next move they are going to make is their last. It's all about identifying this, feeling this, and realizing that it doesn't matter if they get mad at me.

It's empowering in a way, to know that I can live a healthy lifestype without these scary feelings they gave and bred into me.

This feeds out with my weight loss goals because in a lot of ways, I have not wanted to lose the weight b/c I wanted to be stuck in this limbo phase, where I could continuosuly be afraid that people thought I was too fat.

In a way, this is a good way to let go of that. I don't have to be afraid if people think I am fat, because I know that I am not, and I know that I am working to get away from that, and I know, that even right now---at 152--I am happy with my body image, BMI, and who I am. Anyone who calls me fat at this phase is just dumb.

But it's so hard to work through these feeligns, to hold onto this weight the way I hold onto my own hatred for myself. I am ready to stop hating myself and give myself the feelings I want.

I care about me, and that's why I want to eat healthy.

I care about me, and that's why I run, bike, swim, soar.

I care about me, I love me

I am learning how to stop fearing what people think about me.

I need to cure myself psychologically while this weight loss goes on, because I need to lose the weight for good.

Why did I want to be the weight I was?

Why did I not want to change?

And the biggest question:

Why have I decided to change now?

To evolve. To become the parent I want to become.

I am excited baout my workout schedule this week:

Wed: Yoga
Thurs: Run
Fri : Run/Swim/Bike (practicing for a tri)
Sat: Run

Have a good day all, sorry if this was TMI, I am happy I have some place to work out these feelings.

:)

Hi everyone, I'm back!! I had NO INTERNET all this time..... moving is such a pain in the a$s!!

Looks like you're all doing well... rainbow, congrats on getting the new job! :)

I'll be jumping back into things, and starting from square one, unfortunately.

I'm so glad I've got a safe "place" to come back to. Hooray for perseverance! Looks like I missed a lot, so I'll just ease my way back in as I figure out what's going on.

Time to go squeeze in a little exercise before tonight's festivities. Hope you're all well :)

--FPSJ