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Old 01-25-2011, 11:57 PM   #1  
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Hi. Ok. So My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. Since I started dating him my friend meter has gone way down. So I don't have many people I can talk to about this stuff with. I have turned into a totally different person and I just feel so confused and find myself at various hours of the day (in the shower, at work, cooking dinner) thinking about what happened?

Most recently I posted about the loss of a really good friend because of my choices concerning my bf. She said I always choose the man I am with over her. So her rejection of me has been in the back of my mind the whole time. On Friday night I was on my bf's facebook, because I recently deleted mine (i know, just stay off, right?) I found this message from a former fling of his and it was her saying how much she misses him, and what happened to their "friendship" (eff buddy status). He made me proud and politely told her it was because of his relationship with me that they could no longer speak. SO, the next day I wanted to read it again, because it was late and I wanted a better jist of the convo. But his fb was signed out. So I thought 'maybe the convo is transcribed on the email that fb will send when a message is recieved. So I went into his e-mail, (I KNOW, rude and bad). When I got there I found nothing from girl a, but a bunch of texts via e-mail from girl b. Girl b= a neighbor, a friend. But I was surprised to see the language they were using with each other. It was a series of 20 or so texts from the saturday night before, while I was out with friends and he was sitting at home drinking and she was at a bar. She was telling him things like send me a photo that "would put your a$$ on the line", I read it as pictures of his parts. Then she says we should all be in a three way... but with out me. And the only way she would even mess with a girl (me) is to bang him. UGH! Then she said she was attracted to him.... And he sent her some ridiculously inappropriate images of three ways.... I was sick. Like honestly sick.

Ok, so I tell him that he can't talk to her, and that I am leaving him, and screaming and crying and just feeling all around terrible. He says No, don't leave, he says I am sorry we were just goofing. I choose you. I reread all the emails and it is becoming more and more obvious to me that it was ALL her. He even says, you're in trouble Smashlers is gonna read these.... Even grosser she was like, should i text her to make it less awkward? And she spelled awkward wrong. But that is besides the point.

So we are back in the house and I can't get it off my mind. I keep randomly asking him questions about her, like have you spoke? Did you have sex? blah blah blah... And instead of answering my questions he just tells me I am being annoying and awful. I feel awful. I feel alone. I feel so many different things and he can't even say one truthful honest thing back to me. We have been intimate since. I think he thinks that makes everything ok. But--this is the weird part-- all I want to do is constantly be in bed touching and kissing and being you know...together. I am like going crazy. Like thinking that having sex would make this ok at all. . . But now he wont have sex with me. Like at all. Nothing. Don't touch me, go to sleep, you are crazy, you are annoying.... I am losing it guys.

I don't know how to make myself feel like I am not being duped. I guess if he is having sex with me, how could he want anyone else is my backwards way of thinking. But he has never said he doesn't love me or doesn't want me. I don't know. I am ready to lock my crazy a$$ up and throw away the key.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:14 AM   #2  
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well first of all, going through your SO's stuff is never, EVER a good idea.

now, it does sound like it was mostly her, not him, so i definitely don't think you should break up over this, but you guys need to have a talk, and with not too much screaming and crying. you need to tell him how the whole thing made/makes you feel, but you need to be ready to accept what he tells you too (such as "you shouldn't have been snooping in my stuff").

so take a deep breath, calm down, and go talk to your boy like the two adults that you are....

edit: damn, i miss the part about the no sex. that is hella weird. although there are guys with super low sex drive (i have dated one such). although in my experience, relatively no sex is not a good sign... again, you guys need to talk...

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Old 01-26-2011, 12:59 AM   #3  
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You should take some time to calm down and have a talk with him when you're both in a good frame of mind. Don't try to talk to him right after he's done something to annoy you, or you've done something to annoy him, that won't lead to a good conversation at all. Was anything wrong before you read the messages and he found out about it? If not, he may just be upset with you for invading his privacy and feel like you're overreacting, since it really does sound like it was all that other girl. Tell him you're sorry for reading his messages and let him know, in a calm, rational manner (no screaming or crying) how you're feeling about the whole situation, then try and work with him on a solution to the problems you're having.
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Old 01-26-2011, 03:21 AM   #4  
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Less friend time is natural when you have someone taking up the bulk of your intimacy like a partner. It's just hard to be same level close with EVERYONE. Your friend may not get it yet if she's not had a serious relationship taking up time like it tends to do.

You snooped in your BF's facebook and email. What's up with that? Cut it out. You wouldn't like him snooping in yours. Relationships need healthy boundaries.

Having snooped, you find he stayed loyal to you. Isn't that a good thing? The only thing he's guilty of is maybe not putting that neighbor chick in her place faster. He'd been drinking, and maybe he was bored. Who knows. But he didn't seem to be evil and he eventually did show he has YOU in his mind. Just be better if he would show you are his number one by not "goofing" and blocking it faster when other people start it.

Again, healthy boundaries.

You overreacted, blew up at him, and threatened to dump him. He's probably cranky now too. So what did you expect? Immediate smooches and snuggles? He needs time to process!

Some people are wired to easily transfer anger to sex because it's passion of one kind to passion of another. (Me!) And some people are NOT wired this way and think it is totally weird to be doing that. They need to process one emotion before moving on to the next. (DH!)

He sounds like he's trying to tell you the truth but you won't allow yourself to believe it.

"I choose you. It was goofing. I did not have sex with her. You are being awful and annoying."

Why are you not listening and accepting it? Why are you trying to look for some secret deeper meaning? Are you putting some past exBF's lying crimes on him like you think all BF's must be lying scum?

Do you have real reason to believe he is untrustworthy? If so, why are you with him at all?

If you have reason to believe he IS trustworthy, just trust! Does how you behave match your words? Are you saying you trust him but then acting like you don't?

It's terrible to be in a relationship where you aren't really trusted and constantly having to "prove" yourself. (BTDT, broke it off with exBF over it!)

Don't use sex to "prove" that he wants to be with you. He is there, isn't he? He wants to be with you! Try to relax. Sex is a whole other separate thing and your relationship is more than sex. And from his POV, you've gone from screaming and threatening to dump him to being all up in his face wanting sex all the time. Talk about mixed messages!

Identify and deal with the conflict when you are calm. Don't try to deal with it when you are emoting.
Replacing conflict with sex is just avoiding conflict acknowledgement and resolution. Dealing with conflict doesn't have to be scary. All conflict is is just two things trying to exist in the same place. Sort it out, no more conflict.

Your conflict here is that you want to feel secure, respected and valued in the relationship. Whether he knows it or not, goofing with girls is not showing respect to you. So let him know. Can't do much about the crazy girls starting it and not respecting that you guys have a serious relationship. Maybe they have no self respect. Whatever. But he CAN put them in their place. That would help build his trust meter with you.

His conflict might be that he's trying to show you he trusts you and is playing straight by telling you his passwords to his email and facebook. But now you are not valuing his trusting of you because you were snooping and then got all bent out of shape by what you found...which was his telling crazy girls that you are his #1. Ok, maybe not telling it in the BEST way, but eventually showing it. (He's got to practice being a relationship too. Maybe he's a better shower than sayer.) After putting out the trust by giving you his passwords, he got a blow up and the threat of being dumped. How's that building on YOUR trust meter with him?

You may or may not also have other conflicts going on -- like how to have conflict/disagreement and not have a cow. But take them one at a time and sort them out. Relationships take practice.

Take a deep breath. Stop focusing on what you do not want. Focus on what you want MORE of.

Tell him something like...

Quote:
"Look, I overreacted. And I snooped. I apologize. I'd like to put this behind us, establish healthier boundaries. I'd just feel a whole lot better in our relationship if you didn't even goof like this with women at all.

"Goofing" with other women doesn't make me feel valued and important to you because treating other women like some kind of "disposable amusement that doesn't really mean anything" doesn't show respect to women. I am a woman. I'd like respect.

Even if they are the ones who start it with you... put them in their place right away! You are a man in a serious relationship. It is not appropriate for them to behave at you this way. Maybe they have no self respect. But I expect you to have some self respect and respect our relationship and show it by nipping it in the bud if they try to start something.

Like on Facebook. You made me proud when you politely told her it was because of your relationship with me that you could no longer speak her. That made me feel respected, valued and important to you.

Is there anything you need me to try to do better? Anything you need to lay on the table so we can clear the air? (discuss)

Can we agree to try to trust each other, be respectful of each other, and turn the page on this one? "
Or just print this whole thread and show it to him.

Life is long, and serious relationships will weather a lot. Don't get all crazy and threaten to leave him just because something rocks the boat. The point is not to have a perfect, scratch-free boat. It's to enjoy the trip together as you navigate Life.

GL!
A.

Last edited by astrophe; 01-26-2011 at 04:24 AM.
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Old 01-26-2011, 05:47 AM   #5  
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Ok so what did he actually do? Like, we know he did, not just we worry that he did. He
-sent her some inappropriate images
-said to you and her, and that other girl, that he chose you
-not answering your questions
-had sex with you and now doesnt want to

The way I read it (and this is totally my personal spin, so take what you want from it lol) is that he tried to talk to you about it when you were intially upset, but that was kinda hard because, well, you were really upset and I think any of us would be. He did send some texts and images that probably werent the best idea to send, but it sounds like to him it was a joke and not really a serious "yeah thats a great idea, lets do *this*" kind of thing. He's not answering your questions- has he already answered them? Think whether you're just asking the same thing over and over (i do that to try and convince myself lol); if he's already answered he might be feeling like it doesnt matter what he says, you wont believe him (yet). Maybe thats a little bit true- maybe you wont believe him for a while, until it becomes a bit less raw and you can think about it a bit more clearly. Could be the same case for sex- perhaps he wanted to show you he still wanted to be with you and found you attractive and not her, but then when you were still worried and upset he thought that didnt work and stopped doing it.

This is all speculation! But it makes sense. If it were me, I would have done the exact same thing as you And now I would spend some quiet me time, having a good old fashioned think about what I want to do and what I want to say to him, and whether this is something I would want to move on from and work with, or something that I cant have in a relationship. Its up to you, and I dont think its a decision you have to make right this second

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Old 01-26-2011, 12:27 PM   #6  
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I think the texts were completely inappropriate and disrespectful. But still, you overreacted. You going crazy on him is just as inappropriate and disrespectful as the texts. Imagine how you’d feel in his shoes. You’ve both crossed a line here. I agree w PPs that boundaries are key in a symbiotic relationship. However, I do know that a dude refusing sex is a huge red flag.

If it helps you, write down everything you are feeling and worrying over, and then talk to him calmly and rationally about each of the points. He should be willing to talk to you about what happened as long as you’re calm. I think you need to apologize for freaking out. Then try to actually listen to what he has to say. If he’s being sincere, believe him.

Listen to your gut. Is there a reason for you to feel distrustful? Or are you feeling insecure? If it’s the latter, you need to talk to him about your insecurities, however embarrassing and humbling admitting it is. If it’s the former, respect yourself enough to do something about it. If you stay because you’re scared, you’ll only make yourself (and him) miserable.

either way, now you know about that girl b. eff her! stand up for yourself in a mature way. tell her she’s being inappropriate and disrespectful, and if your man is on board with you, both of you should tell her that this is harassment and it needs to stop. preferably in writing, so you can press charges if it doesn’t stop good luck woman

Last edited by shasha12; 01-26-2011 at 12:28 PM.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:46 PM   #7  
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Do you think maybe the reason you always choose your boyfriend over your friends is because you are insecure in yourself and because of that you are settling for any boyfriend simply because you want one?

He isn't treating you right, you deserve better. It doesn't matter who sent what texts, HE didn't stop it, HE was texting back, HE emotionally cheated on you, HE Is not honest and HE is not treating you right. Don't put all the blame on the other girl and none on him. Realize you deserve someone who will treat you right, also realize it's very important to have friends, guys will come and go, but you need a good friend there to hold you up during those down times.

Listen to your friend. She knows you and it sounds like when you get a boyfriend you work so hard to keep them happy you totally forget about what makes YOU happy, like your friends and life outside of him. It's important to have TWO individual people in a relationship, not to become one person. He can say all he wants now, but it's obvious from his actions and words with her that he doesn't respect you like he is claiming.
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Old 01-26-2011, 01:02 PM   #8  
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Originally Posted by Ashley829 View Post
Do you think maybe the reason you always choose your boyfriend over your friends is because you are insecure in yourself and because of that you are settling for any boyfriend simply because you want one?

He isn't treating you right, you deserve better. It doesn't matter who sent what texts, HE didn't stop it, HE was texting back, HE emotionally cheated on you, HE Is not honest and HE is not treating you right. Don't put all the blame on the other girl and none on him. Realize you deserve someone who will treat you right, also realize it's very important to have friends, guys will come and go, but you need a good friend there to hold you up during those down times.

Listen to your friend. She knows you and it sounds like when you get a boyfriend you work so hard to keep them happy you totally forget about what makes YOU happy, like your friends and life outside of him. It's important to have TWO individual people in a relationship, not to become one person. He can say all he wants now, but it's obvious from his actions and words with her that he doesn't respect you like he is claiming.
I agree with this. He sounds to me like a dirt bag. Sure you stepped over boundaries. Sure you snooped. And you overreacted. But I feel like you should take it as a learning experience and find someone better.
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Old 01-26-2011, 01:04 PM   #9  
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Smashlers-

I completely understand your pain and the issue. I've been with my guy for 10 years. Over the course of the 10 years, he's done a couple things that have really hurt me and both are similar to yours.

The first one involved a woman he was in love with prior to his marriage. He was hung up on her the entire time he was married. After he got divorced he started dating me...but then his old flame also got divorced...and behind my back he starts emailing her and he would tell her about things we did over the weekend except he would omit the fact I was there. Effectively he was presenting himself as single, and he would say things like how much he missed her and how he wished he had a second chance.

The second time was with a co-worker but in a different department. She clearly didn't know he had a girlfriend and was totally feeling him out to see if he was interested. They started talking about sex and stuff, and the only reason it didn't progress is because HER boss told her that my guy was already in a relationship. To this woman's credit, she completely cut him off after that.

I found out about both incidents because my guy confessed and let me read the emails. But I'll tell you, I still have major trust issues with him. It's sort of like, is it going to happen again, and what if next time it moves beyond emails? What then?
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Old 01-26-2011, 02:25 PM   #10  
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You have two choices in this situation in my opinion. You already know the choices 1.leave him. or 2.stay with him. In order to come to the decision you will have to ask yourself a couple of questions. In order to stay with him you will have to let yourself forgive him of this incident..and try to forget it. Meaning.. you will have to find a way to trust him again. You will not be able to bring this incident up in upcoming arguments or randomly accuse him of things based off of this. This is hard to do and if you aren't capable of letting it go.. then this is going to eat away at the relationship until it ultimately destroys it in the end.

If you dont think you can force yourself to let it go ( i know it would be extremely hard) then you may be saving yourself alot of pain by just ending things now.

As far as him not wanting sex right now, I dont think that has anything to do w/ him not being attracted to you or anything. I think when guys are stressed and there is a strain on the relationship its hard for them to perform.

*hugs*
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Old 01-26-2011, 03:18 PM   #11  
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Originally Posted by MzHopeful View Post
You have two choices in this situation in my opinion. You already know the choices 1.leave him. or 2.stay with him. In order to come to the decision you will have to ask yourself a couple of questions. In order to stay with him you will have to let yourself forgive him of this incident..and try to forget it. Meaning.. you will have to find a way to trust him again. You will not be able to bring this incident up in upcoming arguments or randomly accuse him of things based off of this. This is hard to do and if you aren't capable of letting it go.. then this is going to eat away at the relationship until it ultimately destroys it in the end.

If you dont think you can force yourself to let it go ( i know it would be extremely hard) then you may be saving yourself alot of pain by just ending things now.

As far as him not wanting sex right now, I dont think that has anything to do w/ him not being attracted to you or anything. I think when guys are stressed and there is a strain on the relationship its hard for them to perform.

*hugs*
I fully agree with this statement it's a matter of what you feel in your heart. also what other's have said about you trying to keep him happy instead of yourself. If you stay you have to forgive, but if you stay and can't trust him anymore then leave. Also you have to remember that now you have admitted to going through his things that he may in fact not trust you either which will eventually lead to a whole other issue of resentment later on.

Calm yourself and talk to him about it, you both were in the wrong in my books. He shouldn't have did what he did and you shouldn't have been snooping. But also maybe the reason why you found the stuff instead of him being smart and deleting is because maybe to him it really wasn't a huge deal and he in fact cares about you more then you'll allow yourself to believe lately.
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Old 01-26-2011, 03:39 PM   #12  
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ooff...crappy situation. i feel for you. i'll put this out there...snooping is never good. not because its an invasion of privacy (well, thats not good either), but because once you've crossed that line, it's kinda hard not to go back and keep doing it and obsessing, especially after finding what you found. it feeds into insecurities and you'll find an excuse to keep snooping. fight it.

i do think your bf was wrong for engaging with this girl via text. but it happens. we flirt. i've occasionally flirted with a guy while out with my friends. sometimes we need an ego boost. i'd never let it go beyond that or let it get sexual i guess, but still. it's up to you whether you want to be ok with it. if you decide to be ok with it, then you have to let go of it and not obsess, and trust him. clinging on to him and being overly physical is you sort of "marking your territory", and is providing you with some comfort, but seems to undermine his need to process.

i think you guys just might need to take a couple of days apart, then maybe go out on a date. keep it light, go to the zoo, movies (comedy!) do something fun so that you guys can reconnect, and revisit the situation later on, calmly, and set some of those healthy boundaries.

as far as friends, girl you need your homegirls. relationships come and go, but good friends are for life. sometimes friends take a back seat to boyfriends, but it shouldn't be all the time. try to reconnect with some of them, make a designated girls night, keep in touch with them via phone on a regular, let them back into your life

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