Hindsight is 20/15
 

I can't sleep. The consequences of some of my actions (non-weight related) have just hit home. I feel like an idiot. I can't tell you what I did cause i'm kind of ashamed to admit it but boy do I feel like I am worthless and stupid. Not sure here is where to say anything, but no one else is awake here.

You should talk about what you did. We've all done things we're ashamed of. Someone might have done something similar and have some retrospect for you. We're all here to support you...not judge...weight related or not. :hug:

+1 to what Mel said!! I am one of those who dwells on my stupid actions. In fact I still have moments of feeling like a complete idiot over stuff from YEARS ago. lol So I feel your pain.

I do foolish things all the time, even though I know better. You just have to forgive yourself and try to correct the problem as best you can. Remember, NOTHING is the end of the world. :) Sometimes the biggest problems just need to be put into perspective.

If you need to talk, feel free to PM me; I'm around all afternoon. :hug:

I agree, we're all here to support each other no matter what was done. Judgement free zone!
If you dont feel like sharing to everyone then maybe PM someone you really trust, I havent been on the board long but I'm around if you wanna chat :)
Just know everyone has those things they wish they could change, things theyre ashamed of doing. I know I have a couple.

We ALL do stupid things we are ashamed of, regret and sometimes yes, even beat ourselves up over. ESPECIALLY in our 20's. In my early 20's I was constantly doing dumb ish and paying the price for it and when I didn't...I would beat myself up over it constantly. My father once told me not to judge myself too harshly or, 20's are for making mistakes and learning how to own up to them.

Regardless of whether you want to talk about it or not, we are all here fighting this same battle of LIFE in general with you and no one is perfect. Don't beat yourself up and remember, you have the rest of your life to learn from the mistake and keep on moving...same as when we fall down and cheat a little or a lot while tryign to maintain a healthy lifestyle, we have to get back up and wipe ourselves off, forgive ourselves...and keep it moving. Even if someone else doesn't forgive us. WE have to forgive ourselves.

ita with everyone else. We all make mistakes-- big ones-- so don't feel too down on yourself!

:hug: You're always free to PM me too if you need to talk about anything. It might help to share at least a little on here, we've all done stupid things we're ashamed of, but I know it always feels better to talk about it.

Thanks everyone for all of your kind words. I want to talk about it, but the support circle I have is either the not-talk about emotions/weight loss/anything type (my best friend) and doesn't respond when I talk about it or would be outraged if I told them what happened. Especially since what happened may hurt some of our friends and put a marriage on the rocks. I fooled around with a married guy. I knew he was married. He knew it was wrong. I knew it was wrong. I am a *****, by almost every standard for women out there. So I didn't really want to post that for fear of half the site coming down on me. I'm good friends with his wife, too and now I am realizing I probably have hurt her, even if she doesn't know yet. Not to mention the worry that is eating away at me now because he wants to come clean. I am not that strong. I would rather just let it go as if this never happened and avoid hurting anyone else. That probably also makes me a *****/selfish since not talking keeps me out of trouble too.

Ok, I said it. I hope you don't all hate me now. But if you do, I understand.

Like I said, we ALL make mistakes, the first step is owning up to them!

I will say this, and people can agree or disagree but this is just my experience. When one person cheats, usually they only want to confess for one of two reasons. 1. They are over the person and ready to move on or 2. The guilt is eating away at them.

So, if he wants to move on, then he is going to tell no matter what. However with number 2, it is the most selfish reasons EVER. If this guy is a horrible person and cheats on her constantly then she deserves to know. BUT If it was a one time mistake sometimes it's better to just keep it to yourself. That is just my opinion but I've dealt with this more than youw ould think (not from me lol but I have a few friends who have gone thru similar situations). Sometimes it's like why hurt the person if it's never going to happen again? Not every man is a pig just like not every young girl who makes a mistake is a bad person. Things happen, don't drag the wife into it if it was a one time mistake...you'll break her heart.

On another note, if he is planning on coming clean. You should give her a few days (not more then 3) before contacting her afterwards and apologizing. She probably won't forgive you but you have to try.

I know I'm brand new here and don't know anyone very well, but we've all done things we're horribly ashamed of and beat ourselves up over for years afterward.

I was in love with a married guy. He was one of my best friends and I was really close with his wife too. I never could make a move on him or anything, but I used to dream that he'd leave her of his own accord or that she'd die or something so we could be together. Really horrible things like that would go through my mind. And I loved her like a sister, so I was constantly plagued with guilty feelings. Nothing ever went too far between us, but years and years later I still can't cope with being in the same room with them.

I know that what you're going through must be awful and no one can really know how you feel but yourself. But we ALL do things we regret and we ALL wish we could turn back time and change something we've done. We've all been hurt and we've all hurt other people. The only thing we can do is learn from our actions and do whatever it takes to make things right. If he does come clean, after awhile you should give her a call and beg her forgiveness. Tell her you'll do whatever it takes to make things right or to fix things. If she doesn't accept it, then you can't beat yourself up over it. Just do your best to keep moving forward and learning from mistakes. We can only do our best. So just do the best you can. That's all you should expect from yourself.

He should not come clean, nor should you (as long as he knows you are STD-free, he does not need to tell her). That only hurts the wife more and clears his conscience at her expense. On his part, he needs to work at being a better husband and being more engaged with his marriage. That is his responsibility. On your part, you're already halfway there because you have empathy for her and have taken responsibility for your part.

The other half of this for you is working at understanding why this happened. Were you seeking validation of your own appeal? Do you have inappropriate feelings for another woman's mate? Did you lose control while drunk? Knowing what compelled you to do this will present an opportunity for growth and preventing you from finding yourself in this place again.

We all make mistakes, and beating ourselves up for them has no value. The only value you can take away is using them to become a better person. Your next step is self-understanding and damage control. Consider the most you can do to mitigate the harm you may have done and then move on.

I definitely don't judge you for this - like everyone has said, we've all done stuff we shouldn't have. I'm sure as heck not perfect, so I won't judge someone else for also not being perfect. Honestly, I think it's good that you feel bad about it - because you know that it's wrong. In my opinion, it's up to him to either tell or not. If he does tell, I agree with Krizstyling, give it like 2 days and call her. I wouldn't give any excuses, like "I was drunk" or something, I would just apologize and let her cuss and scream at you. I also don't really think you'll get an apology, at least not soon, but I'd be more likely to forgive someone if they called and owned up to it, rather than just ignore it and hope it passed.

:hug: I would definitely let yourself feel bad, guilty, etc for a *short* while, but don't continually beat yourself up. Hopefully this experience means that you'll never do it again, so grow and learn from it.

I definitely agree that if it was a mistake (obviously) and a one time thing, and he isn't going to cheat again, then it shouldn't be brought up. The only problem with this way is that a lot of times men cheat (or women, whatever) and then decide 20 years into the marriage to come clean. The wife feels like an idiot and it is just awful. It's kind of a now or never thing. In my opinion. But I think if you KNOW that he is a cheater, and going to do it again with another person, the wife doesn't deserve it (or better, he doesn't deserve her).

I'm sorry you feel like sh!t, but don't dwell on it. Lesson learned. We are all here for you and I feel like nobody can judge. Good luck! Stay strong!

If you can live with yourself and he can live with himself, talk to him about it and agree to forget it ever happened. Sometimes locking up mistakes and keeping them as secrets is the better option. I hope for the sake of everyone involved he can see this.

No hatred here, hon. You both made a mistake, you realise this, and now you can try and look at what caused this to happen and if you're ever in a similar situation again you'll know what to avoid. Sometimes the only way to really learn things in life is to make mistakes.

If there is otherwise nothing wrong with his marriage and it really was a one time thing, I agree that there's no sense hurting other people. You really should talk to him about this, though. Also, don't beat yourself up too much. You know what you did was wrong and you feel bad about it, but there's no sense in continuing to feel bad about something that's already been done. :hug:

OP, I want to say first and foremost that I'm glad you were brave enough to talk to us. You've done something wrong (I'm not judging, you've pretty much said it yourself) and are trying to fix it - that's admirable.

There seem to be a lot of people in the "keep it a secret" camp. As this is a personal opinion sort of topic, I won't knock anyone for that, but here are a few things to consider from the other perspective...

If it were me, and even if it devastated me, I would want to know. Coming clean immediately would be pretty much the only chance at saving the marriage. If I were to find out by accident or guilt-overload x years later, it would be done...because, while I can't call cheating merely a "mistake" (a little too gentle), x years of deception would be even worse.

To keep it from her under the idea that it was a genuine, regrettable mistake and that it would only hurt her...NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO MAKE THAT DECISION FOR HER. Since she currently doesn't know, one could argue that there is no decision to make...but what kind of person does that make you?

A f*ck-up, no matter how big, does not have to define you - but you have to make the choices. Though you have wronged her, if you are truly this woman's friend, would you lie and hope for the best or be true to her and take the consequences of the actions?

On that note, you are her friend, not her spouse. You were involved in the deceit, sure, but you have made no commitments to her. There were no vows exchanged between you and her...but there were between her and her husband. Anything could come of this - she could hate you, but it's actually just as possible that she would look to you for confirmation regarding anything that her husband said.

As long as you are both being totally honest with her and your stories are straight, you could help to save the marriage...even if you lose her friendship over it, you would have done all that you could to help right the wrong that had been done.

...and that, in turn, (your honesty) may help those wounds to heal.

I would advise you to come clean. I understand the genuine good intentions (not just the "keeps me out of trouble" ones) behind not telling her and just living with the guilt...I really, truly do. And while you're the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror and knows what you can and cannot live with, can you live with this guilt for, say, five years...only for her husband to finally cave and it all comes out anyway?

I'm proud of you for wanting to make things right...we're all here for you. Good luck.

I'll say this...


My husband cheated on me before we got married. I wish I never knew.

I've spoken with my husband about this in the past to get a guys point of view and he's always said that if it's a one time thing, then it's better to be kept secret. It absolves the person cheating but that's not worth the pain that it causes.

If you can keep this to yourself and move on, then that's the best option IMO. It's all on him to face his demons and move on as well. He has the choice of telling her and ending the relationship (along with friendships too), or being a far better husband.

But, if it was more emotional than it was physical, then there's far more problems.

Good luck hun. If this was one time and it doesn't come out in the open, then the guilt eventually will tone itself down.

I'm generally a lurker here, but I wanted to chime in with my own experiences in hopes that any information I can give might be helpful to you in some way.

First, I agree with many of the other posters here that we all make mistakes, and that being brave enough to discuss it with others and to own up to it is a testament to where your heart is. From what you've posted, you didn't commit this act out of hate, malice, or spite - you, for some reason or constellation of reasons, made a mistake. You're human and imperfect, just like all of us.

And now, the experience I can share with you: my boyfriend of several years cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. I did not know about it at the time. Instead, I found out about 2 years later that he had been involved with his ex-girlfriend for about 6 months after he and I had started a relationship. This was both physical and emotional - sex, exchanging "I love yous", sending her flowers, etc. When I did find out, I was extremely heartbroken. I had a lot of confusion because I knew that the cheating was no longer going on by the time I found out about it, but I then felt like all of the relationship we had had in the meantime (years) had been based on a lie. I felt deceived and ultimately needed to end the relationship.

While my experience is not a mirror-image of yours, I'm sharing this information because I wish that I had known earlier. I don't know if I would have broken it off at that time, or if we would have worked through it somehow and moved forward. But the fact that I had to wait a long time to find out ultimately made it more painful for me and I wish that I had been able to make a more informed decision earlier in the relationship. Generally speaking, the truth comes out at one point or another. Like another poster said, this man's wife should probably be the one making the decision about how she would like to proceed from here on out.

I also wish you the best in whatever decision you choose to make - hang in there.

uh, maybe i seem like a piece of **** for saying this.. but i don't think what you did was all that bad. You're not the one who is in a committed relationship, or lying to someone you supposedly love. And so what if you're losing a friend in the woman, friends come and go all your life, really.

I don't see how him coming clean has anything to do with you. He really should keep your name out of it (unless you want to come clean too). There are obviously problems in their relationship, and you were just a symptom of that.

Best of luck to you honey, and believe me- you don't know the first thing about what it means to be a scumbag or piece of ****.

It's because she's friends with this person.

Exactly, and even if she wasn't, knowingly sleeping or messing around with a man who is married or in a relationship is wrong. Not only on the level that you're hurting another female (and let's face it, we all have to look out for each other) but also that it shows that you have a lot of self esteem issues to work through. People don't just get with a taken person because they are bored.

The fact that the OP is owning up to it and knows she did something wrong shows a lot of growth.

No judgment here. Just this past week I've done a couple things that make me feel ashamed because my behavior didn't live up to my own standards. I'm trying to be a better person. You know what you did wasn't right and feel bad- my only suggestion is to make a commitment not to do it again. Use this guilt for something positive. Good luck and God bless.

Exactly.