rainbow- Aww, your such a sweetheart.
And i suppose in some round about way this is for the best since my drinking became such a problem, but for the longest time (years) i used drinking as a substitute for well, eating much at all (suppose that um, kept me so thin. er) but when i drink now-i want to EAT. I mean 85%+ of my weight gain came due to that fact. So yeah, i have to watch it. That and i've acted A FOOL drunk one (x a million) too many times. Doesn't make me miss it any less. Oh and 97% of the personal things i shared, when i was drinking.
Those beans sound divine! Yum yum. So many frozen meals have SO much sodium, i mean some of course will w/sugar etc, but the sodium content is notoriously high in frozen meals. I almost never have them for that reason, but that's just me. I used to have them all the time and did well w/my eating- cals in are the biggest imo but i just am very careful w/my sodium.
Rissa- Yeah i do have a lot going on, lol. I swear i'm going to get through it somehow!
I read through that, and i admire you that much more. It's awesome to really own up to things, and use really trying moments to propel yourself forward. I cant even begin to think of the million of times certain moments cause me to break down, and all i did was to further allow myself to wallow in it. Go ahead! I have (ha i was going to say a *few* lol) so many things tied into my issues w/my insecurity and how i tend to have that be this negative filter on everything, esp in the ways i interact w/others. For me, i turned to drinking and a lot of other things to seem "on" and while for years i had this super duper active social life and was busy all the time (i think im taking my social isolation experiment a bit far now lol) but i never ever felt i "fit" in at all. It took a long time and a big fall from grace for me, but until i start to deal w/the core issues that led me to where i am, all one can do in the best situation is repeat the same mistakes. Change is hard, but so worth it. I am so slow in trying to make my point!
We're here to support you! (i don't think i ever finished a 10k that fast, so i need to make that a goal of my own!)
casey- Girl, i've never in my life managed one drink at a bar! I mean ok i'm a bit of an extreme, but its hella hard to do for anyone imo!
Score on avoiding McD's!! Another score of being on plan the next day too.
And really even after my direct experience, i still struggle w/ "what" to say to anyone, what means the most is kind words, and i appreciate them. I just try to tell myself that all i can do after losing them is be able to work harder to get to a better life for myself-it would be really sad to not use what i've learned to help others.
*People's views on weight*
Yeah its odd. I mean i'll definitely be much happier when i lose another 15, but I fully intend to work to lose more then that. She's only seen me heavy, so seeing that picture of me was i am sure a shock (though even more so b/c i was actually quite thin in that one picture. i hate to even admit it here, b/c again it alludes again to my major fail of gaining so much- i was under 120 in the one pic. but i had been at that weight for some time)
It's just odd. I mean i'm all for people focusing on health, and not a number. Buuut, i think as america as a whole has become increasingly overweight, what was once not considered that thin, those same people might get "eat a burger you skinny bi$ch" comments all the time. It's not right on either end. That and at the same time you'll have people instead of just being complimentary, be a mixture of a lot of things...some threatened, some perhaps upset that they themselves are having trouble losing (or just gained, etc), on and on. Weight is a topic that is so warped in our society it is beyond insanity.
One thing i hope to get a handle on better this time around is dealing better w/not putting too much stock into how other people view my weight. When i was 20 i had gained a good deal (my previous hw was 178. i, though in none too healthy of a manner, lost a good deal of weight very quickly) and after i lost a good chunk of it the way people changed how they treated me still is screwing w/my head to this day (hmm. perhaps another reason i isolated myself due to my weight gain, etc). I just want to work to get to an ideal place for me, and it really IS a mental war path. But i mean again it got me thinking even more b/c i really did screw up and go so totally off in the wrong direction by gaining so much, and a few of her comments today got me thinking b/c she was alluding to "learning to accept myself" at my current size. Which i do get that, but at the same time, it shouldn't be a case of her suggesting that i didn't worry about losing more weight, when to be my healthiest i'd have to!
Yea to a 5k!
Sorry i have a LOT of thoughts about that!
And yeah honks can be quite annoying, but let me tell you after i gained so much i have honestly missed them! So yea for your NSV!
Me
Eh. Ok. I am really upset w/myself b/c i am not as on top of my school work, i NEED to be studying, but here i am posting online. For the most part all the classes i'd ever taken (and really only had taken 5/6 college classes and that was 8 YEARS AGO) i never had to study for. It's like i never "learned" that skill, and i really need to now. I have 2 tests, and i am totally unprepared for one. One i will cram for and its bio and its mainly memorization so i should be ok. After that i MUST focus and set aside time ON THE REGULAR to study. I just, i am having a really really really hard time focusing on anything. It's really concerning me.
Also i did not exactly have a good day yesterday, goodness i am the queen of doom-and i don't want that to be the case. I ended up actually hanging out w/the girl i used to work w/ (note i have not done anything w/anyone socially since-and i kid you not-june) and we went to the restaurant i used to work at. And i drank. Not a good idea for me (and i wasn't horrible in what i ate, but it wasn't great either. i mainly had just sashimi, but later on as i was leaving a had a few pieces of shrimp tempura which is totally and completly off plan and i now i went over my cals that day. i gained .4 which isn't massive, but the last 4 days prior i had consistent losses, so i messed that up totally) It was just really weird, i actually got hit on
and asked out. See, now that just opened up a lot, b/c it made me realize that no matter how i try to pretend to myself i don't miss romantic relationships of any sort, i do. I was a relationship junkie, and i put almost all of my self worth into being "desirable" for the prior 6.5 years of my life. And i miss being "pretty" (which seems so conceited to say, b/c then i am actually saying i used to in fact be that which well, i feel no matter what i can't "say"). I just felt odd, and all like, this poor dude is so desperate to hit on me, etc etc etc. And then i drank more b/c he joined our table, and i just got further down on myself and wound up calling my mother (oh so sad) to pick me up b/c everyone was going out after that and i just wanted to be alone.
I just, i have a lot of work to do. I wish i had a better handle on myself and didn't have melt downs like that, but i have to remind myself i am trying to make serious life changes and need to do what i need to do to stay on track. Going out like that is not what i'm ready for. I told her next time we'd have to do a movie night-but well that's not high up on her activities. Sadly the few people i met here don't seem to want to do anything but drink. Oh well.
