[caliyah]

i really really reallly really don't like to look in the mirror because i always see myself as a horrible failure. I can't accept myself. I'm told I am beautiful BUT then I hear oh you're fat - I hate stupid guys - I hate rude people. Everytime I get to 200 lbs its a wall I can never cross -- I keep gaining the same 10 pounds 200 then 210 then back down then back up since I was in high school. I hate myself and I know people hate me too because I am a miserable fat girl. Sorry I had to rant I've been off the wagon for the past month and have gained and am probably getting all emotional and getting depressed because I am freaking out that I will be the same way I am now next year ---It was my birthday recently and I realized that 30 is not too far away and all my life I have been the fat girl who has deferred her life. I feel so far away and so disappointed in myself. Sorry I had no one else to share this with who would understand.

[caliyah]

ok ok i'm okay now sorry to freak everyone out with my rant.

[zamzam]

Oh hun I know what's like to look in the mirror and feel disappointed. But the fact that you're worried about it and acknowledging the problem shows self-awareness, which is the first step to improvement.
You wont be the same next year if you take steps to improve yourself this year. What made you fall off the wagon? What do you need to do differently now? Can you not focus on the number per se but focus on eating lean meats, veggies, fruits, drinking lots of water and getting active? You can do it!

[stellarosa27]

You have to start thinking positively. You can't think "I'm never going to do this or get past 200," instead thing 'I WILL do this, I WILL get past 200 and all the way to my goal."

Screw the people who say you're fat - who are they to be able to put you down like that? I'm not going to say "ignore it" because that's not easy, but just try and push past it. I don't like looking in the mirror, either, but I force myself to do it. I don't like that my tummy is soft, but I like that I can see that my collar bones are coming in, and that my face is thinning out - don't focus on what you DON'T like, but focus on what you DO like.

You have to become your biggest cheerleader. Tell yourself that you can do it, that you will do it. Don't say "I'm going to try to be better" just say "I'm going to be better at this!" It gives you no option of "failure" if you will.

And you can do it. And will do it.

[lulu2005]

I know just how you feel. I look in the mirror sometimes and think it's completely impossible to lose all this weight that I've carried for all these years. But then I think look at how much I've lost already! And you have lost 17 pounds!! That is not an easy thing, trust me!! On those days you're feeling discouraged, think about how much better you will feel once you do lose it! You can do this, just keep making the same positive choices, and don't worry if you fall off the wagon. Just pick yourself up and start again! Haha I know that sounded so cliche, but that's all we can do right? Good luck sweetie, hope things get better for you!

[stargzr]

I just saw a post in the support forum and had to copy what one of the girls said because it's just perfect for your post:

Originally Posted by mandalinn82

Step one: STOP TELLING YOURSELF THAT THIS IS WHERE YOU FAIL!!

I see this all the time here, people work themselves into a tizzy when they're doing perfectly well, fretting about past patterns and how they might apply to now. If this makes sense, it almost serves as an excuse of kinds..."Well, I always screw up here, so it makes sense that I ate that cookie and skipped my workout today". Or they get themselves so worried that the extra anxiety and stress start making it way harder to stay on plan. That leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy...you worry about this particular spot in your journey, and so this particular spot in your journey becomes a problem again and again

What worked for *me* was to see this as COMPLETELY different than all of those other times. And that I was just as capable of staying on plan NOW as I was 10 lbs ago, and if I slipped, I was just as capable of getting back on plan immediately.

It's good to be aware of your patterns... managing those past patterns as best you can, so stop telling yourself that "trouble's brewing" and that you're about to fall apart.

[vixxi]

caliyah, I know how you feel. I can't stand looking in the mirror! I am so uncomfortable in my skin that sometimes I don't even want to go out with my bf or friends. That being said, I too am losing and gaining the same 10lbs. and it just sucks to be honest. Im frustrated and dejected, Im starting to wonder if I want this bad enough. What stinks even more is that I had lost close to 45lbs and ive gained it ALL back! I bought a pair of pants the other day that don't exactly fit so im using that as a goal. I guess a switch just has to be flipped to get my head back in the game, to care more about getting healthy and losing the weight than eating a gd hot dog! Good Luck caliyah, im sorry this turned into a me ranting too!

[junebug41]

Sometimes you just don't believe it till you see it. I sure didn't! You just have to have some good old fashioned blind faith and get back on plan. We can all relate to what you're feeling an it sucks! Sucks sucks sucks!

[RynKay]

There will always be rude people, always. You have to first find happiness within yourself. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent I lost a lot of weight in high school, and was so proud of myself, and the first thing out of a stupid boy's mouth was "well...remember when she was fat". haha people are ridiculous sometimes. The fact that you are on this website, and you are TRYING, you have already accomplished something Stay positive, you can do it!

[caliyah]

thank thank you thank you I was just really hurt by what a guy said to me recently.....i won't let people put me down. I deserve better. thanks for showing me love. we can do this. i am on it 2morrow i can do this.