I'm going to hate to have the very thing I want... - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

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Old 01-31-2010, 10:16 AM   #1  
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Default I'm going to hate to have the very thing I want...

As I lose weight and become more fit, one of the things I want is a little attention from the opposing gender I'm not single and I'm not looking to date anyone at this time, but having guys turn their heads my way would be a big change of pace for me, and I look forward to it.

At the very same time, I feel that part of my hold on my weight is meant to do the opposite of that. I do not like when men flirt with me. I don't know how to respond or what to do, and when it does happen, I feel very vulnerable, weak, and nervous.

I've never gone without a boyfriend since I was 14--however, every single one of those men, I dated through the computer. By meeting boys my age through the computer (and they all did turn out to be my age. I traveled to visit every one of them) I could meet them very safely from a distance and take my time on them, as well as test the waters with how dangerous they may or may no be. In reality, I think I'm pretty scared of men and male interest. It is much easier dealing with it through a computer. I also believe by always dating one guy or another, I had a valid excuse not to flirt with guys or put myself out there, or fear rejection, or anything really.

So to sum it up: I want men to start looking in my direction and think 'wow, she's hot!' and approach me, yet at the same time, I'm terrified by that and don't like it.

Anyone else?
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Old 01-31-2010, 10:49 AM   #2  
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Do you have any guy friends you hang out with? Maybe you just need some practice

Here is my advice.....sometimes you can't change the reflex feelings but you CAN control what you do and how you react to them. Its perfectly ok to acknowledge that you may be uncomfortable. The next step is to work through it. Tell yourself that this isn't a commitment, you're just going to talk and be nice.

I've been married almost 9 years, yet when my sister and I go out we typically get hit on. This used to make me very uncomfortable but now...I just be really nice, talk like they are regular people. If they get a little to pushy or ask me out (they haven't noticed the ring) I just say something like "I don't think my husband would like that [laugh]" Keep it light, and treat them like you would a girl you were meeting for the first time. Oh and the easiest way is just to ask them questions about them. Then they do most of the talking. Eventually they'll say something that you can relate too and then you can go "Oh I love karaoke too" or whatever.

Does this help at all? The main message is "Just be nice, let the rest happen".
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Old 01-31-2010, 11:00 AM   #3  
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Same. I'm totally not on the market right now and I like the feeling of KNOWING that I look good, but I don't want to directly hit on. It's really annoying knowing that guys want you for your body; not your brain. I went to a party last night and I was really uncomfortable with the fact that I kept getting eyed by these guys... ugh.

Last edited by loquaciousjogger; 01-31-2010 at 11:01 AM.
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Old 01-31-2010, 11:06 AM   #4  
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I really don't understand the....."they just want me for my body not my brain" . First of all.....they don't KNOW your brain. All they know is that they can "SEE" your body.

Second, guys hormones and brains work differently. The are literally CREATED to be visual creatures. Seems to me that judging them because they like the way you look is just as bad as judging someone because of how they dress or what color their skin is.

Not to mention, girls aren't any better. When is the last time you looked at the fattest guy in the room and went up and said, oh I am so attracted to your brain?????

Want to know why certain girls get all the guys? Because its ok if guys like the way they look and they respond accordingly.
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Old 01-31-2010, 12:19 PM   #5  
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Wild i can relate. I used to be fit and healthy before my daughter was born, i didn't have a very good body image though. When guys would flirt i would just be my normal dorky self and everything was all good ( i grew up with 3 brothers and multatudes of male cousins etc), but now that i'm overweight i've noticed that i get close to no attention like that. I'm not available so its ok...but it still hurts. Then if someone does say something..i'm like..oh geez was he flirting??? What do i do..umm...then my face looks like this Just silly ol me needs to stop worrying and go with the flow. I'm doing this for me, and focusing on me.
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Old 01-31-2010, 12:22 PM   #6  
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I think cossel said it best. Guys like it when you're yourself... Even if they don't, at least you don't fake it to get them to like you. Just be nice.
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Old 01-31-2010, 12:36 PM   #7  
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I completely feel you. When I get guys paying attention to me it I don't really know what to do. I always end up in the friend zone and it's very frustrating. Especially when my guy friends will tell me about how hot other girls in the room are and I know they would never describe me this way. I remember one guy proudly telling me how when I was up at the bar with his gf, he overheard another guy say how hot the little blonde one way (aka his gf). I get ignored by guys all the time!

But at the same time, I hate being the center of attention and get uncomforatble when I do get male attention. I've gotten a lot better though since I've become friends with so many guys. I just wish I knew how to stop from slipping into the friend zone with guys that initially start out interested and then end up seeing me as a friend.
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Old 01-31-2010, 04:11 PM   #8  
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oh man I know what you mean! i love it when guys give me the attention but i don't like it when they flirt with me because I don't know how im suppose to react.

but i do know that guys dont like it when girls beat themselves up. if a guy is dating you then they like you already like what they see. thats just my twe cents.
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Old 01-31-2010, 07:28 PM   #9  
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I hear ya. I'm not even close to single, but I'm looking forward to some attention from the opposite sex...AT the samme time. I have social anxiety and it would just weird me out. glad I'm not alone.
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Old 01-31-2010, 07:46 PM   #10  
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I can definitely understand your dilemma and feelings. For most of my life I have felt very confident about my looks, but once I broke up with a long-term boyfriend and started to eat to feel better, I gained 25 pounds and realized that when I went out with friends, the guys who I wanted to talk to no longer wanted to talk to me. And unfortunately when you're out at a bar, club, etc...the first thing that you're judged on is looks. Now that I have lost weight and am in the best shape of my life, I get so much attention, just like I thought I wanted. But it does make me anxious when guys talk to me, and because I like this newly restored attention, I hesitate to reject any attention because it feels GOOD (obviously). Because you're not single, you could just go out in large group of girlfriends and if a guy is paying too much attention to you, then you or one of your friends can just casually comment that you are seeing someone. That's what happens when I go out with my friends who aren't single and are out without their boyfriends.

Best of luck, as I know that the male attention is totally bittersweet at times!
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Old 01-31-2010, 07:54 PM   #11  
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I'm the same.
I'd never consider myself to have had that much attention from guys, and one of the things i look forward to when i get thinner is not being overlooked for my thinner friends when i go out with them.
That said on the occasion when I have noticed guys eyeing me up, it's been nice until they come over to speak and i would clam up.
Also I always have a suspicion for guys that do find me attractive, like they're weirdos for liking a fatty. Yep completely bonkers.
I love my boyfriend now because the weight thing just is not on his radar, he likes me for me, thinks I'm beautiful big or small and takes me as I come.
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Old 01-31-2010, 09:37 PM   #12  
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I recently read a book called "the game" by neil strauss. The book is actually about how to pick up women. However one of my girlfriends recommended it because (1) I was having a hard time realizing I was getting picked up; (2) I didn't understand when a line was being ran; (3) it teaches self confidence.

As I said it teaches you self confience in dealing with members of the opposite sex. Now all of my girlfriends are shocked when we go out because (even if I'm with girls that are prettier then me) I am the one who is talking to all the guys.

Now I'm single and I like the male attention most of the time. (Sometimes it's inappropriate and degrating so I shut it down.) But I would still suggest that even if you are not single that it's worth reading because I feel like by knowing what the lines are and how perdictable people can be when trying to pick you up it's easy to put a stop to it.
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Old 02-01-2010, 04:38 AM   #13  
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Yep, I have this too.

For years I've had self-confidence and -image problems, always convinced that no-one would find me attractive (this while I have had boyfriends...go figure. I always assumed they were a bit bonkers. Nice way to treat a man, huh). Always longed to receive some male attention

Only now it's really starting to happen (or I'm starting to notice) and it can really throw me! The other day a complete stranger asked me for my number and I stood there like I was paralysed. The only thought in my head was, 'What...you want my number? Are you certifiably crazy?!'
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:01 AM   #14  
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Just enjoy it. Have a laugh, be yourself, enjoy their company. If they are creepy or annoying politely disengage and leave.

I am usually oblivious to male attention - it takes my friends later recounting how their male friends or co-workers think i'm "hot" before I sort of realise it.

The most recent example was a few weeks ago. It was an engagement party for a friend I am bridesmaid too... well anyway, she came back today and has the major s***s with me because every single one of her and her fiance's male friends have apparently been raving. She is sick of hearing my name she tells me :P

I have a boyfriend, very very happy with him. But I'm human, it tickles the ego. And when guys flirt they're usually just being friendly, yes they think you're cute and wouldnt mind a go, but they're not being delibrately sleasy in the main... you can actually have some pretty interesting conversations sometimes lol.

I often also reverse the situation since, after all, if you're in a bar and you see a hot guy, you're not going to all of a sudden close your eyes and look the other way. You'll more than likely give him an admiring eye. Are you being sleasy or shallow or superficial? Nope... and neither are they!

Last edited by Lyria; 02-01-2010 at 06:03 AM.
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Old 02-01-2010, 05:10 PM   #15  
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I meant by "they just want me for my body not my brain" is for example, I went to a theme party, not knowing a single person there and these guys keep coming by me trying to make conversation and looking me up and down. That is what I spite.

But, while I was there, I saw this really cute guy and found the balls to go up to him and talk to him. I started a conversation about politics with him...and he wanted my number. Today he asked if I wanted dinner... Hmm... this never happens to me at parties. ever.

Last edited by loquaciousjogger; 02-01-2010 at 05:11 PM.
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