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Old 10-05-2009, 08:59 AM   #1
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Default Advice please?? *not diet related!*

I put up a thread the other day about men being creeps etc then I put up a post with it talking about this guy who I believed I would eventually get back together with and we'd be together forever etc etc...
Well basically I got with this guy back in Feb and we spent the best 2 months together. He turned down jobs in London etc because he realised he wanted to stay up in Scotland with me and I really thought he was the one. Then after 2 months, he broke up with me because he didn't feel he could be with anyone and wasn't ready to completely fall in love with someone as his last relationship was such a disaster. He basically has some SERIOUS commitment issues. Anyway, over May and June, we carried on seeing each other regularly and just had a great time together. Then in July, he realised he was being stupid and said he wanted us to make a go of it again! I was so happy and we spent a month making up for lost time. Then...surprise surprise, after a month together he freaked out again and broke up with me. Again he said he couldnt commit to a relationship and he needed to sort his life out before he could think about being with anyone. To be honest, I have no idea what he needs to sort out in his life, he is 32, has an amazing job, his own flat, great friends etc...
SO...we had about 3 weeks apart after breaking up then we started meeting up again, going for drinks, having cozy nights in, but he has said he still feels like he can't be with anyone. But I feel he just needs to realise how silly he's being and how good he could have it. We had the best relationship, even he admitted that. Now I never put any pressure on him to commit or anything, but I now feel it's time to give him that little push and I have no idea how to do it. I don't know what to say to him or do to him. I think some big romantic gesture is in order but I couldn't face the rejection if it went wrong... Maybe a letter? But what would I say??
Sorry for the mega-long post, but I really am going crazy over this!
Thanks for any advice
Cat x
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:12 AM   #2
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Hey Cat,

I'm not sure that this is really the advice you're looking for, but in my experience ultimatums rarely work the way that you want them to. Especially in cases where the chap is commitment-shy. I think it's really important to talk with him about how you're feeling, and to try to get him to open up about his concerns so that you can address them together. But, there's a pretty big risk in pushing, even if it is intended as a romantic gesture.

If I were you, I would sit down with him face-to-face (maybe on one of those cozy nights in!) and try to figure out what's holding him back. Plan out a few things you want to say, and just be honest and let him know that you're willing to try to make it work, and make it last this time if he'll put the effort in. Hopefully he will see that the pattern your relationship has been following is unfair to you and open up about his issues. (I've my fingers crossed!)

And if that doesn't work, I would really ask myself if this is the right person for you. Someone who will keep messing you around, especially if they've acknowledged how good you are for them, might just need the time alone to think about what you mean to them. This bloke needs to realize what a gem you are, and I hope he does it soon! Good luck!
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:22 AM   #3
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Sorry, hon, but I have doubts about this guy. He has cold feet, why ? Is he afraid of committment ? Does he have trouble making up his mind about other things ? He evidently expects you to hang around waiting for him to make up his mind . This happened to a former boss of mine. They were engaged for years but he could never quite make that final committment. Guess what ? Out of the blue he married someone else. This might not be the right guy for you. You deserve more consideration and respect that you are getting from him.
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:22 AM   #4
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Hi Cat - well, I would think since he has broken up with you 2 times already you shouldn't be surprised if you don't end up with him for the long term.
I think he has a pattern of being with you & having great time for awhile, then wanting to get out of relationship, obviously he isn't as happy as you are to be in it.
You should never give someone the opportunity to break up with you more than once!
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:29 AM   #5
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Cat,

Here is some advice and what worked for me.

After dating my husband for two years I was nearing college graduation. We had never discussed marriage before but he started feeling all pressured and broke up with me. I was devastated--as I had invested way too much in him for him to treat me that way. I went to see a counselor that gave me a great book. It advised me to "move on" or at least appear to. I thought, "what do I have to lose?" He is gone already! So, I went to my dormitory and packed all his things up I had collected over those years and put them into a box. I drove to his house and put them on his porch and drove off. Then, I let everyone around me know I was ON the market! LOL. A friend of mine set me up with a local doctor that was single and we began dating. Within a week or two my hubby saw us walking hand in hand across campus.

We have been married now for 17 years. It worked like a charm!
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:32 AM   #6
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Btw, there is also a book called, "He's just not that into you." Many of my friends are big advocates of it. I myself, have never read it.

One thing is for certain though. I have learned at this point in my life that I will not beg for anyone--or settle for the crumbs. I want the WHOLE loaf or I want nothing. There are some great guys out there and there is no point in playing cat and mouse w/one that doesn't know what he wants. I am sorry and that may not be what you want to hear. The bottom line is this. Make your life and relationships work for you! Don't wait on someone else (like this guy) to give you the life or relationship you want.
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:45 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thighs Be Gone View Post
Btw,

One thing is for certain though. I have learned at this point in my life that I will not beg for anyone--or settle for the crumbs. I want the WHOLE loaf or I want nothing. There are some great guys out there and there is no point in playing cat and mouse w/one that doesn't know what he wants. I am sorry and that may not be what you want to hear. The bottom line is this. Make your life and relationships work for you! Don't wait on someone else (like this guy) to give you the life or relationship you want.
This great advice !!!
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:47 AM   #8
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Cat, reread the above posts. Notice anything ? None of us know each other or you, but we have all reached a similar conclusion.
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:49 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thighs Be Gone View Post
Btw, there is also a book called, "He's just not that into you." Many of my friends are big advocates of it. I myself, have never read it.
I read it - it was the first thing that came to mind when I read this post.

If he keeps doing this to you, his behavior isn't going to change. I'd just drop him - don't give him the time of day, don't hang out with him, don't go to dinners with him, don't take his phone calls. He's just going to keep playing with you while it amuses him, then run away when he's tired of it/gets scared. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you, and you shouldn't have to settle for someone who isn't going to take YOUR feelings into account (which he's obviously not doing).

Also, what Thighs Be Gone said.
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:57 AM   #10
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Personally -- my thought is this "first time shame on you, second time shame on me." At this point all he's doing is jerking you around.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums but he has had plenty of time to make up his mind or at least think he wants to be in the direction of a relationship with you. It's time to crap or get off the pot.

Sorry to be so blunt, I just don't waste my time anymore. I have been jerked around and told the same crap too long and I don't do it anymore. It never got me anywhere ... and when you do finally meet a guy that treats you like you DESERVE to be treated you see the biggest differences!!!

Seriously - read "He's Just Not That Into You." It's an eye opening experience.
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Old 10-05-2009, 10:15 AM   #11
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I have to echo everyone else's advice. It's probably not what you want to hear!

I also thought of "He's just not that into you" when I read your post. The older I get, the more I realize guys are just not as complicated as we make them out to be, at least in terms of if they want something. If he likes you, he'll find a way to be with you. You said that there is nothing outwardly that appears that he needs to "get together" (like career, friends, etc) in order for him to be in a relationship and that, to me, says he's just jerking you around. You deserve better than that!

I WISH that "He's Just Not That Into You" had been around when I was single. I would have wasted a lot less time on some guys!
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Old 10-05-2009, 10:24 AM   #12
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Want advice from a 70 year old? Never look back on a man or a job! Forget him and just get on with your life.
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Old 10-05-2009, 11:36 AM   #13
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Thanks for all your advice! I guess I have known all along that it was never going to turn out to be the fairytale I had hoped for. I'm just not looking forward to tying to let go of him once and for all. But I think it's healhier for both of us in the long run... I am however looking forward to the point when I am actually over him and can say "no" to him whenever he clicks his fingers (I usually go running haha!)
thanks again guys
cat x
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Old 10-05-2009, 11:40 AM   #14
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I'm sorry if this isnt what is really being asked for but....

He broke up with you once, yep he could have realised what he was missing and really regretted it.

He broke up with you twice, personally I would never go anywhere twice. If it didnt work the first time then it isnt going to work the second time. Plus, if he knew he was commitment shy the first time why even try a second time?

He wants cosy nights in with you and to go out drinking with you?! Sounds like this guy really wants a way to spend time.

I'm sorry but if he was really that interested he wouldnt keep messing you around like he clearly is. He is out of order. Seems like he wants to be the 32 year old player to me!

Either way I hope you can get to the bottom of it and find a happy solution for you
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Old 10-05-2009, 11:48 AM   #15
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Look at it this way too.

For every moment you aren't wasting time with him, you are opening up a possibility of meeting your "fairytale!"
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