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Old 10-01-2009, 11:13 PM   #1  
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Default Do you let your size affect your dating life?

Sometimes I wonder if I've been unlucky in love because guys are shallow and would prefer to date a skinny blonde or if it's because I don't really allow myself to flirt or be myself because I feel bad about the way I look. I do put forth an effort in how I look (make-up, nice clothes, straighten my unruly hair, etc.), but I am not thin.

I know this sounds really stupid, but when I was ten this boy in my class said to me, "I don't like you because you're fat." Ouch. I hadn't even provoked his declaration in any way. Ever since then I have used my weight as a direct reflection on how much a guy might like or even love me.

Currently, there's a new guy at work. He's adorable. He cracks me up, he's smart, and we talk a lot. I mentioned to a trusted co-worker that I have a crush on him (so juvenile, yet so necessary) and she said she thought he had a crush on me too. The problem? He's thin. I'm not. I feel embarrassed that I like him. Ashamed. Like, why would I even think he'd be interested in me? It makes me act quieter around him and not myself. What should I do? I reeaallly like him, but I feel like I'm setting myself up to get hurt. At what weight should I not be afraid to flirt?
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Old 10-01-2009, 11:58 PM   #2  
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Get your flirt on! I thought that way to - for years because of some stupid boys in grade school making me feel I wasn't worth anything just because I was a little pudgy. I let it completely ruin me for years with guys, all for nothing.

Now I am married to a tall, thin, gorgeous man that I hit it off with when I allowed myself to get out there and be myself. I met him when I was 290 lbs!!! If it is meant to be, it will be. But you must have confidence that you are special & worth turning heads, no matter what size you are.

PS: There are a lot of men of all sizes who just want what we want - to love and be loved, regardless of what some might see as shortcomings.
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Old 10-02-2009, 12:00 AM   #3  
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And there I have done it again - I am not a 20-something!!! Sorry for the intrusion!
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Old 10-02-2009, 12:11 AM   #4  
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Guys love a smart girl. Flirt as much as you want. Seriously, there's no harm in trying. Sometimes, you gotta flaunt what you got, considering that you just lost almost 30lbs!

I'm such a flirt, but I also have A LOT of male friends... so I definitely have to keep it in check! I mean, I know I'm not 'fat' but I'm not 100% comfortable in my own skin. So, I mean, I try not to let it show and try to show the best confidence I can do.

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Old 10-02-2009, 12:34 AM   #5  
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Thanks so much for your kind words. I really, really needed to hear some encouragement tonight.

Hotwings: I'm glad you decided to post even if you aren't twentysomething.

Thanks Loquacious for reminding me that guys do love a smart girl. I love to read and so does this guy, so that's been a way for us to connect.

Tomorrow is another day... and I'm going to try to be more confident.
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Old 10-02-2009, 12:42 AM   #6  
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I'm married (to a guy I met at 240 and married at 330) but when I was single I would flirt flirt flirt and date date date! It is fun! HotWings really gave fabulous advice - listen to her
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:08 AM   #7  
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To be honest... I've gone through the same thoughts, but for me... it's was slightly skewed. Guys would "date" me, or hook up with me, or even keep me around as "close" friends (wink)... but they never seemed to actually want a relationship with me. Deep in my aching heart, I knew it was because they were ashamed of me and my fatness.

But you know what?

I've come to realize that not all guys are the same. There really ARE guys out there that can love you for you, and in turn be attracted to you! I've found one.... and after being a member on this site for the past few months... I've come to realize that a LOT of us chickies have! And if we can, you can. But, you'll never know til you take that chance.... what do you have to lose?
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:17 AM   #8  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KitgetsFit View Post
At what weight should I not be afraid to flirt?
This is hard, i have had the same thoughts as you, and I guess i would like to say to try not to let your weight affect how you act around him (although i know this is easy to say and hard to practice). I am your height and at 170 pounds I was dating. So I would say dont let your weight determine how attractive or worthwhile you feel, just be yourself and see what comes of it
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:31 AM   #9  
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Being thin and pretty may make it easier to get the attention of someone, but if you already have their attention or already know them, then it doesn't matter. Then it has to do with your personality, confidence, and self-esteem. My first boyfriend and I dated for 5 years. I have always been overweight, and he has always been ripped. But our weight difference never made a difference in our relationship. He loved me for me.

Go for it! Good luck!
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:56 AM   #10  
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I won't meet anyone till I'm more happy with my appearance... I don't have too many options for meeting people at the moment other than the online dating thing, and for some reason it feels like more pressure to be a certain weight with online dating.

Or maybe it's ME and just the confidence thing. When I feel better about myself and don't have to worry so much about my clothes fitting right and hiding my fat, and instead allow myself to laugh and be more natural.

I also know not feeling good about myself I'm more likely to allow myself to stay with abusive or jerky guys.
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:05 AM   #11  
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I think its all in our heads.

One time I was taking my 6 yr old niece shopping so we decided to take the sub, she loves trains etc. A really hot guy was sitting right across from me and her, she was reading a magazine and he was looking at us. He started talking to me and it felt awkward, he did seem interested but I wasn't feeling comfortable because of my size etc. I decided to pretend that she was my daughter and that I was married and not looking..

Later on I was thinking about it, it really was all in my head, why else would he seem interested and start chatting?

I have huge body image issues and some nights I cry myself to sleep because of this, I am learning to get over it but its a long process and I think it will take me a while before I can feel confident in my skin around hot guys..
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Old 10-02-2009, 09:28 AM   #12  
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I've noticed a pattern to starfishkitty... But, i think it had to do with the fact that I was so desperate for anything that I accepted it without looking for better. Now, I'm trying to find better. Now, I'm attempting to find something better, which helps with the weight loss. I know how to dress well and it's nice turning heads, even if not the kind of attention I should be looking for.

Keep flirting. Guys love a girl who is confident, funny and smart. In my experience, my problem is my personal issues... Those tend to scare away suitors. Yeah, but definitely on track for dating, though I really shouldn't since I don't have the time for anything--not even a relationship right now. I'd prefer one since it would be so nice to have someone to cuddle up with in winter though!

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Old 10-02-2009, 09:52 AM   #13  
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I have felt this way before too, like I have to make it known to cute guy friends that of course I'm not interested and only want to be friends so they don't think that I actually think I'm worthy to date them. It's f-d up. I just started to get over this last summer. I lost maybe 5lbs, was still overweight, but I felt so much better and took on this attitude like, OF COURSE YOU SHOULD WANT TO DATE ME I'M AWESOME, maybe I don't want to date you! And it worked It's hard to drum up that kind of confidence, but I think it helps to look at photostreams like the ones at Fatshionista and Shapely Prose to see gorgeous fat girls rockin it with confidence.

And PLEASE, if you flirt with him and he makes you feel embarrassed for liking someone "out of your league", that is 100% HIS problem and not yours. You are as deserving of having and pursuing a crush as anybody else, fat or thin, pretty or ugly, whatever. So go for it, and know that you are a fantastic person who he would be lucky to date. If it doesn't work out, hey, maybe he's a shallow jerk, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be. EVERYONE gets rejected at some point or another, and it's your choice whether it makes you stronger or just defeated.

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Old 10-02-2009, 10:03 AM   #14  
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We all feel this way. I think we feel like this even when we THINK we're overweight and we're not (like now when I look back at pics from a couple lbs ago WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS HUGE)...we always feel like no one will find us attractive.

My last fling/boy/love Idk...lol...thought I was gorgeous. I was overweight, I just still had my curves. I have an outgoing personality but I totally feel self-conscious now which I haven't felt in SO LONG. I was always proud of my body but now I feel like I am a little TOO voluptous. lol

But you never know who will love ALL OF YOU. Never underestimate a man in love. This guy thought I looked perfect. I thought he was crazy. lol!
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Old 10-02-2009, 10:25 AM   #15  
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I don't think anyone should let their size determine whether or not they date. There are all kinds of people out there who like all kinds of different aspects of people.

Flirt away. It's fine to be unhappy with the way you look and want to improve upon that. However you shouldn't assume that everyone else is unhappy with the way you look. Just keep up the conversation and keep in mind that IF he did think you were fat and uninteresting he wouldn't keep talking to you.
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