Ok, so I'm 28, turning 29 in February. My husband is turning 31 in a few weeks. We've been married a little over two years, and right now we're seriously considering having a baby.

We've not made any final decisions yet, and we're probably going to discuss it and think hard about it through the end of the year, and maybe start trying in 2010 if we decide we're ready to take responsibility for another life. Financially we can afford a child, and we've got the room. The basics are down, but the big question we're struggling with is if we REALLY WANT a baby, and the reasons why. We've reached the point where everywhere we go people are asking when we're having kids, and telling us "it's time" for us to reproduce. So we're wanting to make sure if we DO decide to have a baby, that it's because WE want a baby, and not because everyone else wants us to have one.

That being said, there's one concern (a trivial, shallow concern on my part) that my husband can't relate to.

I've worked SO hard to lose a bunch of weight, and the thought of putting any back on just stresses me out in a big way. Is that stupid of me? I mean, I know if we decide to go through with having a baby, weight gain is necessary. My mind has just been set for more than 2 years now on the path of weight loss and weight maintenance, and it's terrifying to know that I'll have to watch the scale climb upward, even though it's for the health of a baby.

Gosh I feel weird even typing this...but can anyone else relate to the situation?

Hmm, well, a Mom is going to have to help you most about this - maybe a post in the preggers forum? It's true, you'll gain wait that's not just the 7-10 pound baby inside of you. They say that that fat is for milk production, and that breast feeding will help you lose weight, no? I'm sort of banking on that.

Are you eligible for a good maternity leave? Maybe you could take an additional LOA or vacation to just take care of yourself? Or maybe you could invest in a home gym as a present?

Wow, I can really relate to your post. I'm 27 and married for almost 3 years, but my husband and I have always had the plan to wait until we'd been married for 5 years before having kids (finishing grad school, careers, etc). Around the 2.5 year mark, our families started giving us a hard time about when we were going to have kids. I said the EXACT same thing to my DH that you wrote about - when we decide to have kids, it's going to be because WE decided to do it...not everyone else. It still amazes me that people think they can comment on your fertility - hello, we're the ones who are going to be raising the child, not anyone else!

I will say in terms of really WANTING a baby - when I first got married, I really wondered if I wanted children... wasn't sure that I did. The older I get, the more I definitely do want them... and I can't really tell you a solid reason why, just that I think kids are awesome and being a parent seems very rewarding, and I want to create a family with my husband who will be an awesome dad. I have talked to my DH about the fear or how "unfair" it feels that I am working so hard to lose weight only to have to gain it back when I am pregnant. I think the big thing is that you can't go into pregnancy and think it's a free pass to eat whatever you want because hey, you're pregnant. I could definitely see myself wanting to do that! You just still have to go about it like you are maintaining. Yeah, the scale will go up... but if you eat healthy, most of the weight will come off once you have the baby. I have seen friends gain upwards of 50 lbs while pregnant and lose most if not all of it within 2-3 months after giving birth.

I think if you ask the moms here, they would certainly say the weight gain was worth it to bring them their children.

I lost a bunch of weight before my first pregnancy & weighed 132. I had a very easy pregnancy, I felt great and continued to workout. Only slight modificiations had to be made. I gained 22 pounds and lost it afterwards. My recovery was easy as well. I was careful and stuck to my past healthy habits.

My second pregnancy was not this way... I didn't stick to anything healthy, I quit exercising and just let go. I had a lot of aches & pains near the end of my pregnancy and never shed the weight afterwards (hence I'm here).

My point is - don't be afraid of it if it's something you decide to do. Being in top health during pregnancy makes it sooo much easier!

I don't really have any advice, except that you're always going to have to make huge sacrifices for your children if you choose to have them.

Also, I think it's wonderful that you're being honest with yourself about your fears and really thinking the whole thing through. The world would probably be a much better place if all people gave as much thought to having children as you are before reproducing. Then again, I suppose I wouldn't be here if that were the case.

You sound a LOT like me...I was unsure at first if I wanted to have kids, and the older I get the more sure I get....most of the time. It's a terrifying prospect...being pregnant is a HUGE fearful unknown for me.

As far as support goes, we've got none. Just us. My mom died 6 years ago, and so I won't have her to go to with pregnancy questions. My mother-in-law...I love her to death, but she doesn't talk about "those things" so I couldn't count on her with my questions. My sister-in-law had a baby at 30, and had MASSIVE trouble with her blood pressure for nearly two years afterward, not to mention through her pregnancy. It just scares me...

I've heard that the better shape you're in before your pregnant, the easier it CAN be. At least now I know it's ok to have these fears, and that I'm not alone! I was afraid they were a BIG sign that I'm not cut out to be a mom at all...

I totally understand- everyone in our family wants grandchild, and tells us we're ready- well we're not yet. And- I don't want to have a baby until I've been at my goal weight for at least long enough to enjoy it.

BUT- at least you'll be super healthy when you do decide it's the right time and I've heard that most people that work out and are fit before pregnancy find it easier to drop the baby weight

I think because you have lost your weight and have been maintaining you will do just fine- just don't give up exercising and eating right. I mean obviously it's not a time to count calories cuz you'll be eating for two- but I think if you try to eat as healthy as possible (unless baby is screaming for cheesy fries) and exercise you'll be fine.

Yep, that's how I feel, too! I always joke that if you ask me one day if I want kids, I'll say "Of course!", but ask me again in a week and I'll feel differently. If it's any consolation, I actually think this is normal. A lot of people feel ambivalent or unsure about having children... for me I think what has helped is accepting that I will never be 100% sure because I have some fears surrounding having kids (fear of the unknown for me, too!) So if I am mostly sure I want them, then that is good enough for me, and the rest is going to be a leap of faith and trusting that it will work out in the end. Taking the pressure off of myself to be absolutely certain has relieved those feelings of "I need to figure this out NOW!" And yeah, I also thought that if I wasn't 100% sure I wanted kids then it was a sign that I wasn't meant to have them. Now I think differently!

It's too bad that you don't have a great support system going into pregnancy... I do think that helps a lot to be able to talk to someone about your fears and what to expect. I really do believe part of overcoming those fears is just summoning the courage to say "I don't know what's going to happen, but I trust it'll work out in the end." I know of a website that deals with a lot of those pregnancy/motherhood fears - http://www.consciousmotherhood.com There are some pretty good articles on there that might help.

Questions like when are you getting married? When are you having a baby or another baby? are CRAZY to me! These are HUGE life altering highly personal decisions. Why are they reduced to casual conversation??!!??! That is something only you and your husband can decide and for anyone to pressure you is just wrong.

But if you decide its time for a baby, here is my advice...Do you love your current gyn? Make an appointment or find one you love and make an appointment. Talk to the doc about your concerns about pregnancy. A good doc will tell you how many extra calories your baby needs and what types of exercise are best. Most will go ahead and start you on prenatal vitamins now to make sure your are ready when you do get pregnant. The number on the scale might be creeping up, but if you are eating right, exercising and taking your vitamins you should feel good knowing you are still maintaining the good habits that helped you lose weight and you are still making good healthy choices.

I wouldn't be concerned about having the same problems as your sister or other relatives. I was overweight when I got pregnant with my son and had a very easy pregnancy/delivery. My sister has had three kids and each pregnancy and delivery is different. Some had a few complications others didn't. My point is each pregnancy for each individual is different, so don't let someone elses experiences deter you if YOU want to have a baby.

Regarding weight gain, you've already got a great handle on your healthy lifestyle so I wouldn't worry about it. Just make sure you're gaining a proper amount of weight with healthy (and occassionally not so healthy) foods.

Again, to reference my sister's pregnancies, she was always a healthy weight to begin and just BLEW up. She just retained a huge amount of water near the end to cause to to gain a total of 50 lbs for her first daughter. But, she ate well afterwards and got the weight off in 9-12 months. And breastfeeding does help. It's said you burn an extra 500 calories a day BFing.

If you and your husband decide this is what you want, please don't let these worries stop you. If you really want children then go for it. If you decide you don't, well good for you for knowing and not letting people pressure you.

Good luck. (sorry for being so wordy!)

my .02...

having a baby is amazing, wonderful, life-altering, all that stuff. it doesn't change who you are but it shows you parts of yourself you didn't know were there. it also tests relationships and can make them infinitely stronger (or occasionally busts them up.) DH and i didn't feel ready when i found out i was pregnant, and i was 35 and he was 38 at the time. it's kind of hard to feel ready for something when no one really knows what it's like until you do it. all the advice in the world is great but won't tell you what your pregnancy, delivery, and kid are going to be like, because no one will experience exactly what you will experience. your kid will be a singular, unique being with his/her own everything.

but that's not really what you asked about, huh? the body thing. my pre-oregnancy weight was 185 - years of yo-yo dieting and body image malarky. and i was one of the dumb ones who used being pregnant as an excuse to go on the binging bender of a lifetime. like letting a drunk loose in a bar. i gained 60 unhealthy pounds (yet still managed to have a healthy baby. go figure.) while i was pregnant, the weight just didn't bother me. in fact, it was the first time in my life that i really and truly loved my body. i couldn't believe what it could do! it was a real eye-opener - my body as something other than an object for judging. my body could actually make another person. kind of mind-blowing. who cares if it's got bumps or lumps?

of course, that all changed AFTER i delivered, and i was a good 20 lbs over my original obese size. funny thing though - i had enough newfound respect for my bod to lose that 20 lbs, plus another 20 for good measure, and i'm still going. i'm now easily in the best shape of my life. not sure i would have made that shift without my kiddo. who knows? what i do know is that i cannot imagine life without him. he's crazy cool, and it was tough, tough, tough that first year. harder than anything i could have imagined. so, a mixed bag, i guess.

FWIW.

Jeanie, that last part of what you wrote is exactly the conclusion that I've come to. I've never experienced motherhood so how would I know exactly how it'll be and what to expect? Thanks for your post!

In my experience, I've learned to stop looking for reasons as to why or why not to have children... but just rather that if the desire and want is there, then that's all the reason I need!