[aneleh]

I just want to rant about something if you guys don't mind. I'm really getting annoyed with my bf about him complaining all the time that he is tired and has no time for things. Currently I am living across the country from him for the summer (due to a job). I want to be supportive but it goes against my personal belief that if you want something badly enough you MAKE time for it, and you go out and find a solution to your problem. I'm tired of listening to this!
When we met he was into so many things: mountain biking, kickboxing, photography (he was really good!), snowboarding, firefighting (really!). After we started going out everything stopped. I know his excuse is he moved to a new city, but honestly, is that a good excuse after TWO years? I feel kind of hurt, like I was mislead, as if he only did those things so I would go out with him, and once I became his gf he had no need to anymore.
I don't understand how he says he has no time! Now that I'm not there what is he doing with all the time we spent together?? How do I have time for lots of stuff when I ALSO WORK 8 hours a day, I also have a house to clean, and groceries to buy?
I'm starting to lose the attraction and it kinda sucks. It seems sort of shallow, doesn't it? I don't like to sit still, I like a guy who feels the same. I wish he still had his own hobbies, aka a life outside of work and me. It sucks cause normally I would end this by now, but I do love him.

[stellarosa27]

It doesn't sound shallow. I was in a similar situation and it ended between us. I became his whole life, and he didn't have any hobbies or hang out with any of his other friends and got subsequently upset that I didn't give all of that up for him. I included him where I could, but one does need some alone time, and he didn't want any part of his life that didn't have me in it. I guess it was a sweet sentiment...but it just became too emotionally exhausting for me and I broke it off.

Maybe try talking to him about it and see if you can encourage him to get active in his "new" city?

[amyleigh]

I can totally see where you're coming from and I agree he should make time for you. I was just in a similar situation only, I was on your bf's side of it. I started a masters program and had no time for anything. as by bf became more and more busy, i didn't have time for him. the little time i did have that wasn't spent doing homework or grading papers, i spent relaxing on my own. as i started to get more time, i spent it with family and other friends i had lost touch with. it wasn't because i didn't want to spend time with him, but moreso because i always thought there would be more time to spend with him. i took him for granted because i never thought he would leave. now we're broken up and trying to work it out (due to other reasons) and i'm realizing what an idiot i was.

it's too late to make a long story short, and i know you're not looking for advice...but i'm gonna be that girl and give it anyway. i would say you need to sit down and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. be sure to not blame him for it, but the situation. as soon as fingers begin to be pointed, it will turn into a mess. he needs to realize what he risks losing before it's too late, but he needs to realize it in a way that he comes to the conclusion on his own and he's not told it (or he'll never really get it). i dunno if that makes any sense, or if it even helps. if not, feel free to ignore it. clearly i'm not the best at relationship advice

[KnitALisa]

I don't think it's shallow at all! You're an active person and you're attracted to active people (same here, so I totally get it. I need an independent man with his own thing going on). All of those hobbies, they're part of who you fell in love with.

If you can, get him into his doctor to rule out any sort of physical illness that could be causing his fatigue. This way you can at least know if he's made a complete personality change or if something else is going on. Example: One of my best friend's husband just discovered he has low testosterone and he's felt like a new man with treatment. Or could he be dealing with a bout of depression? People often withdraw when they're depressed.

Hope it goes well!

[akacutie]

Have you thought he might have a real medical condition? He could also be depressed- Depression can lead to feelings of apathy, withdrawal from things once loved, and feeling tired all the time.... I think before you boot him you need to have conversation about it with him and your concern that something might be medically wrong-

[tkm256]

Some possibilities:

1) He complains to you about not having time, when in reality he's simply lost interest in those activities. You seem to put a lot of emphasis on them--thinking of them as the 'hook' that lured you into the relationship--so he may be afraid that if he admits he's just not into mountainbiking/kickboxing/whatever you'll lose interest and leave. His complaints may be a way of wheedling you into saying it's okay if he doesn't do them.

2) He complains as a mask to other complaints that he doesn't want to say. For example: he's lonely and disgruntled because you're on the other side of the country, but he doesn't want to look needy, so he expresses his discontentment by putting the blame on other things.

3) He doesn't have anything else to talk about. If you don't want to listen to it anymore, it's easy to divert his attention by asking about some other aspect of his life--like work or his new friends in the city.