Man oh man.
Every aspect of my life right now is just... messed... up.
I moved home from university back in with the family. Officially, I'm spending this summer:
1. Taking 3 university courses correspondence to finish my undergraduate degree.
2. Doing graphic design work (Web design, brochures, etc.)
3. Working a part time job.
Sounds pretty good, eh? But the REALITY of what I'm doing this summer is:
1. Ignoring my courses until I realize I have a deadline or a quiz coming up, half-assing the work, missing participation marks, and barely caring, because I just want to be finished.
2. Doing design work when my business partner reminds me that he needs certain images and projects finished by certain times so he can get on with his coding work. Ignoring it the rest of the time.
3. I've "got" the part-time job, but they're not starting me until later next month, so... not working.
And best of all..
4. Spending every weekend in Toronto (essentially the New York City of Canada) drinking way too much, eating garbage and overdoing my social life as I lacked it in spades all of last year.
I feel... so lazy. So unmotivated. So disgusting... and when you're lazy in every other aspect of your life, you can BET that you're not motivated in the weight-loss efforts either. When I first got home, I dropped a few pounds, was at 151, felt great... and then the scale started creeping. In the wrong direction. Where did all my motivation go?
My mom is a super-healthy eater, but my stepsister and stepdad don't have weight problems, so they have garbagey stuff around. Cookies, ice cream, granola bars, chocolate. They have a ziploc bag full of Reese's Pieces in the cupboard downstairs right now, and they've been haunting me all day.
I want to turn things around, but I can't figure out where all of my motivation went... why am I letting myself get like this? I KNOW I'm capable of motivated weight loss, but... I just don't know where all that motivation went. When I have snaps of hysterical guilt over having eaten something awful, I've been going for the occasional run... but I've never been a long-distance runner, I have trouble pacing myself... and I also have trouble pushing myself. Other than that, I haven't felt any desire to work out... I definitely haven't been going for constant runs.
And on top of all of this... the boy drama. I broke up with my ex in April, and spending all my weekends in Toronto with this huge group of guys who love soccer as much as me... has resulted in some pseudo-flirations with guys who have expressed a bit of interest. But the flirtations often make me feel MORE self-conscious and disgusting, and not want to progress these relationships, because I'm not happy with how I look.
Where has all the motivation gone, and how do I get it back!?!???