[tarryn]

I feel like ive sort have had a bit of an epiphany...I havn't been around here much, and have been really off plan ect blahblah and i feel like dirt!I'm not sure if anyone will even read this, but i feel like if i write it down i am accountable for what i have now discovered.

BUT yesterday..there was a HUGE bowl of M&M's sitting in front of me...on my desk..that one of my loooveeerrllyyy (not) co-workers put on there, because i think she is trying to killll me with food. However..at the moment i feel like life is pretty boring for me...all i do is go to work do some things on the weekend..but nothing really exciting..i just feel like im not really fullfilling life for myself, and its starting to get reaaly depressing.

So as i was scoffing handful after handful of mint and peanut m&ms in my mouth, and then following that with chicken curry and half an ice cream sandwhich i started to feel horribly sick...but not just physically..emotionally. I felt so huge and fat ...even tho im the smallest ive been in a long time. I felt like id gained back ALL of the 35 lbs ive lost in the space of 20 minutes!I felt like crying there at my desk..because obviously i was just falling straight back into the old eatinmg habits..while at the same time telling myself...that i will "JUST START TOMMORROW" a phrase i am so SICK of telling myself!! and i swear to god if i hear myself say it again...there willl be consequences!!

But the point was when i woke up this morning after feeling so guilty and disgusted with myself...that.. food does not make me happy like i keep believing it will when its sitting in front of me!!!!!.

Seriously it is that easy...i am so bored with mylife that i think that these chicken currys with rice, and m&ms and ice cream will make me happy and make my life exciting...but what have they done??Nothing but destroy my life, destroy my self esteem and destroy my body..the only body i will ever have, and i am killing it by inhaling copius amounts of chocolate everyday just because i think it will MAKE LIFE BETTER...

but it DOOESSNNT/HASSNT AND NEVER WILL..and thats all i have to say.

[missamelissa]

Congrats on the epiphany. I had a similar experience yesterday at work. I bought M and Ms for an activity with my kinders, but there was still half a bag left. I had about two handfuls and then realized that I was just reverting back to my old ways.

Honestly, I think we need moments like this to remind us of what we have gone through/still are going through. Basically, we need to find what DOES make us happy, because obviously food isn't making us happy.

My problem is that I am so lonely down here in NC that I let myself fall apart. I have to deal with the fact that I no longer live in Ohio and that I need to find something down here that will make me happy.

Sorry I went OT... Reading your epiphany made me examine my own issues.

:-)

[ray of sunshine]

I have said ... i will start tomorrow so many time until I figured out today is tomorrow! I agree none of this will ever bring you joy! like once I am a size 5 or once I buy a bigger house ..blahhh... nothing will make you happy except making good choices that make you feel good about yourself! I am also starting out how to figure his life out!! Keep moving forward and dont look back and in a few months you may be amazed at who you are!!! =)