Advice? My ED is ruining my relationship.
 

I'm completely new to this so sorry if my post is no good. :)

I am struggling with binge eating disorder and it's really starting to ruin my relationship. I have issues with social eating as I would prefer to just eat whatever I want in privacy. Often times, I don't eat excessive calories, but just large amounts of healthy foods.

My boyfriend is amazing and wants me to move in with him (we've been together for over a year now), but I know that it wouldn't work. I find myself starting fights with him sometimes just to get him to leave so I can binge. I can't really even eat a full meal with him around. I've always had problems eating in relationships, but this is getting ridiculous. I've shared my meal plan with him from my nutritionist and have even told him what I usually eat.

I guess my question is, has anyone had a similar issue in which you meet an amazing guy after your ED has gotten completely out of control? How do you help him understand your problem (he thinks I'm anorexic because I can't eat around him) and eventually get to the point where you can eat normally around him? Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? It's sad to think that you might actually break up with a great person just because you can't get your bingeing under control.

Actually being in a relationship HELPS my ED/binging. I can't binge in front of my boyfriend so I don't... I'm around him a lot so there's like no time to binge. I have binged since we've been together but not nearly as bad as I used to and also I haven't at all in almost a year (been together 2.5 yrs).

The first time my bf found out I had an ED, we were eating pizza and he cut it exactly in half, like I'd have one half and he'd have the other. I cried and cried in front of him. I probably could've eaten the whole pizza by myself but the idea that he would see me eat half a pizza freaked me out.

But slowly I started to let my guard down with him.. I ate fast food in front of him. I ate ice cream out of the container in front of him. All of these things used to be strictly done in private. NO ONE could see me eat fast food. NO ONE could see me eat ice cream. But I did it and suddenly I didn't need to eat the whole container of ice cream. I felt safe in front of him and with enough time, I can now eat all that crap in front of everyone but my cravings for it are almost gone. The desire to binge is still there.. but it's like a tiny speck and it used to be all I could think about.

FOR ME, it helped A LOT to let someone see me eat these foods. The more people I've told about my binging, the more the desire to do it goes down. My ED was totally all about hiding and when I came out of hiding, it drastically went away.

There's a forum just for depression and related issues. Many people there have dealt with binging and EDs. You should check it out.

Thank you!!!
 

You know, that just makes too much sense. I know it's about the hiding for me too. I guess my first step is just to come out of hiding. :) I just seriously can't even imagine eating anything remotely unhealthy in front of him at this point. I guess you just have to decide whether or not to take the plunge?

Thanks for the advice. It's so nice to hear someone having a similar issue. I'll definitely check out that forum.

I can relate, I'm currently seeing someone long distance so we spend the entire weekend together. by the end of the weekend my anxiety is so high about eating and i just want to go home.

What I've found that helps is just lay it out on the table, say - hey I come with food baggage, and I have to be supported, and this is what i need to get by.

Talk with him about it, see if there are ways you guys can work around it - how can he support you?

wow, that's me to a T. i have huge issues with eating. and 90% of the time i do it in private. i also spend the weekend with my bf, and by the time sunday night rolls around, all i can think about when i get home is eating.

im so ashamed though, i can't find a way to tell him about it, so i dont. and i wind up getting really defensive regarding anything about food.

the other day, in the market, i was holding a carton of unsweetened almond milk, and saw it and said "what is that, it looks like a fat festival?" i got so upset, i put it down and walked away with an attitude. later i tried to explain to him that he can't make comments about what i'm about to eat, presently eating, or just ate. i dont think he understands though.

i recently told my mother though. i think it helped a little to tell someone that i know. but it's a struggle every single day of my life.

i've been with my BF 2 years and we are currently long distance since I went back to school... I have this tremendous fear of coming clean to him about my eating issues. When he's around, I don't have a problem, so he thinks I'm really healthy and doesn't understand the reactions I have to some things.

Last time he was here he bought some ice cream and didn't finish it. About a week after he'd left we were talking and it came up and I said "oh, I finished that." He acted SO surprised because he hadn't been gone that long and it made me REALLY uncomfortable. It's ice cream. I could easy eat a pint in a day and that was about all that was left and it'd been a week... actually I HAD eaten it all in one sitting, but I didn't tell him that.

Iris I can't even count the number of times that has happened with me too. He acts so shocked when I finish something because he's used to me just picking at my food or eating extremely healthy meals. One thing I've started is actually cooking the meals that him and I eat together. Although I still can't finish the full meal in front of him, it seems to help a little bit.

Stellart, as far as the comments go, I can relate as well. My boyfriend used to make comments ALL the time. They were hurtful and he really couldn't understand why. Without telling him that I have a binge eating disorder, I just told him that I have major issues with food and I can't handle those kinds of comments. Over time and many reminders, those comments stopped and I've gotten to the point where I have at least told him that I'm not anorexic like he thought for about a year, but that I have a problem with binge eating.

The biggest challenge is to get to the point where you can at least eat until your full in front of him so you don't set yourself up for a binge later. In the beginning, I'd stay at his house all weekend and eat maybe a half bowl of oatmeal each morning. When I got home I'd eat just about everything in the house in one sitting. Now that we have the what we should do, what about the how? :)

im the same way. im so careful about what i eat in front of him, that by the time i get back to my house i lose it

OMG- This was my biggest fear about my boyfriend moving in with me.... We have been living together for almost 3 months now...

I use to have a HUGE problem with binge eating... HUGE, HUGE, HUGE.... Of course eating in secret is part of that... there is a ritual to binging... for at least. That doesn't not include others...

I actually told my BF because I was soooo worried about him moving in. He said it would be okay and not to worry about... He never mentions anything about missing food! I actually haven't really binged too much since he moved in, the two times I have really binged I did it away from the house.... Hmmmmm

I think you should try to talk to him about it. He might not understand, but for me just telling him helped... we haven't really talked about it again since then, but it did feel good.
I think you should do it... moving in that is... It is the best thing I have ever done... I haven't lived with a BF before so i was worrie about other things besides my binging problem also... Communication is key to a good relationship. :hug:

I can eat in front of my boyfriend but I HATE eating in front of his male room mates.

I don't know what it is. I can eat in front of my female friends no problem, but compared to the two room mates girlfriends I'm seriously a YETTI, so I think that's why. Which is weird cause one of the room mates is overweight. But I literally have to force myself to chew if we're eating and they're around.

UGH it's so stressful, and I don't understand why I have this hang up. My boyfriend cooks really healthy if I'm over but I still think they're gonna look at what I'm eating or how much I'm eating and judge me. Which in a way is really self centred cause I'm sure they don't actually give a flying ****.

Wow, it's so relieving to hear that others have the same issues. I've told him about my problem, but he still doesn't seem to get it since he only sees me eating really healthy. I might just have to sit him down one day and really talk to him and make sure he understands. Suggestions for the courage to do so? :^:

It seems like it gets better each time I really work at it, but I do have to admit that it's an awful lot of work!

I did the whole sneak eating thing when I first got married because I didn't want him to see me eat those things. Unfortunately, my secret wasn't kept very long as I gained probably 20 pounds in the first two years we were married!

Now, we have been married 16 years and he has seen me at my best and my worst and everything in between. I don't worry about it anymore. My food, my nutrition, my lifestyle--they are ALLLL about me. Anymore, he is just an innocent bystander. LOL

I've had problems with binge eating as well, and moving in with my boyfriend has DRASTICALLY reduced my binges.

The problem for me comes when he goes on vacation or works late many nights in a row. That's when I start to let myself slip. Living in a city, I have basically any food at my disposal and a 24 hour grocery store a block away, so it's just so easy! I try to keep myself busy when he's not here so that I can keep my mind off it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

I emotionally binge eat. There was a recent death in the family and a lot of pressures from work. I am not even allowed to take time off.

Today was one of my worst days since my diet started. In addition to my regular meal, I had cookie during lunch, a bag of M&Ms in the afternoon and a midnight snack. Total caloric intake of 2500 - double of my typical intake.

I am grateful that a cookie and a bag of candy can keep me from crying at work. I am home now, can't sleep, I feel sad and I don't want to cry anymore.

artsnsmarts, I am the same! When my bf is gone, the urge to binge increases. I am trying to counteract that by getting foods that aren't so unhealthy. If I ate 2000-2500 calories in a day from stuff like peanuts and bananas and saltines, then I'd be happier than eating a whole pizza or a tub of ice cream. I also try to talk on the phone a lot when he's gone. I'm just a person that easily feels lonely and food was almost my best friend.

For all those who haven't told your bfs about your binging.. it's easy for me to say "Do it!" because my life is a million times happier because of it... but when it was coming out, like I mentioned before, I cried! I curled up in a ball and cried and he probably thought I was a crazy person. First I said "I have issues with food and I'm afraid to eat too much in front of you." Months later I agreed to get fast food and eat it with him. Months after that I told him how I would binge eat until I was too full when I was sad. I've still never confessed the goriest details--going to KFC AND Taco Bell AND getting cookies & ice cream from the grocery store and trying to eat it all in one sitting. I haven't done that in 4 years and it still feels too soon to admit it to people I know.

If you can let someone else in on your secret eating, it will help! It feels scary and painful but I'll bet if it's someone like a boyfriend, he will not think less of you. My bf told me he felt really good that I told him and that I hadn't ever told anyone else. I'm sure to him it was like "Wow, that's nice, she trusts me" but to me it was like "the worst secret about me is no longer a secret--and I'm still alive!"

Anyways, good luck to all of you. I know what it's like. It's not like binging is gone forever but I feel like the worst part of it is past me and my life is so much better.