the fine line between encouraging and patronizing
 

Does anyone else have this problem? My roommates are being really vocally supportive of my efforts lately, and it kinda makes me uncomfortable. I signed up for a membership at this martial arts place, and I went to my second class today. So 2 classes in a week. That's great and everything, but is it amazing? Not really.
My roommates were making this really big deal about how great it was I went, and asking me how I felt after, if I felt happy with myself, blah blah blah. It just felt patronizing. I think they are trying to be supportive but it makes me angry at myself, because I feel like I've given off this impression that I'm incapable of sticking with something and carrying out my plans, and now that I've done it they are so surprised that I'm actually doing something. They know I lost a lot of weight before I knew them, but they haven't seen me, since I moved in, making a hardcore effort. I have also given in a lot to the peer pressure and eaten junk food with them, so I feel like they see me as this weak person.

I know the solution to this... I just have to not worry about what they think, continue with my plans, stick to my goals.. and their opinion of me will change, because they will see what I repeatedly do. But I wish they would lay off the compliments for now! Does anyone else get uncomfortable with so-called "support"?

Yes. I feel like everyone is so shocked that I've started something and stuck with it for so long. Which may be justified, but it's like....well what did you think of me before then?

Hi!

Yes, I feel the same. To the extent that I keep it a secret from almost everyone that I'm dieting. And when they ask me, (because they can see) I try to avoid the question. I feel that other people's comments and support prevent me from staying focused. I only share what I do with those who have the same problem and they truly understand.

Niki

I never really encountered this, but I do know the feeling that friends who are thinner just don’t “get it.” They assume that we got to this point because we are just so tragically un-athletic and eat everything is sight.

Not that this is the most appropriate thing to say on a weight loss board, but really, if someone spends so much time praising a person’s appearance and none praising their other accomplishments, what does that really say about them?

I also never tell anyone (except one of my very close male friends who is more like a priest than anything else) when I am feeling fat and commit to a weight loss endeavor, but I bought a piece of exercise equipment and my other friends noticed it in my apartment. So many of them just fawned over how great it was that I was “getting healthy,” I really wanted to just slap them. I AM healthy, I always have been! What is this idea that if you are chubby you are sick?? And it did feel patronizing.

Don't let those comments get the best of you! When I first started dieting about two years ago, it was the same thing... except it was the people I worked with and not my roommates. I don't think they're doing anything intentionally, but they don't realize that encouragement is good but dieting, to me anyway, was a very personal thing. I didn't really want/need to discuss it with other people because they really didn't grasp what I was going through. Their comments of "support" weren't because they actually knew what an accomplishment going to the gym or avoiding junk food was but because they felt like it was what they were supposed to say. One day a co-worker said something to me that sounded like "I can't beleive you've actually been going to the gym everyday before work, I just didn't think you'd ever do it and now look at you!" And I kindly said something along the lines of "If you didn't believe in me then, please keep your astonishment to yourself, it only reminds me of the times that I wasn't so into going." and shut him up, at the very least. Sorry for making such a long post, but I can really indentify with your situation because it was times like those- when i was getting attention for what I was doing- that I wanted to stop. But I didn't! And now that i'm going back on my diet and trying to lose the weight i've slowly re-gained, i've let everything (even some compliments) just roll of my shoulder. It makes a difference!

I think you should let them know.

Tell them that you appreciate their positive feedback, but that it would be better to have in smaller doses. They might not "get it", but it might help.

Hmm, I didn't realise comments like that were unhelpful. I said things like that to my bf when he started working out and eating better (which he stopped..). I really just want him to be healthy.

The best and probably most effective thing you can do is stick to it! :carrot:

By week 4 or 5 I'm sure they'll have found something better to do and you losing weight won't be interesting anymore. And if you try anything new keep it to yourself! :lol:

I just had the chance to read your replies ladies, and I'm glad I'm not the only one! If they continue to make a big deal about it I might have to say something. It's just easier to do this on our own sometimes.
Aneleh, it could be your boyfriend appreciates your comments... like I said in the title, it's a fine line, but support is important, that's why we're all here. :)

I can totally relate.. although not at the moment.. but about two years ago, when I was pregnant with my second child... i got seriously morning sick.. throwing up 20 times a day.. I couldn't even take in water.. This went on for about 8 weeks and I went from 205 to 172.. and the comments were annoying..

I felt like total crap, couldn't even move for the most part, and people were telling me how GOOD I looked?? I was like.. holy crap.. would you prefer me to be in this state, where I can't work, can't take care of my kids or husband, can't even stand the smell of my fridge opening because I lost weight?

How superficial can people be. Yes, we want to lose weight to look good, but we are also doing it so we can be healthier, take better care of ourselves and the people in our lives and just be happier.

People are always super surprised that I work out every day...I guess you know, when you think of folks who are active, they are slim and tone and run down the street in Nike trainers with an ipod strapped to their arm. I don't look like that...yet. I have a treadmill smack dab in my dining room, and when people come over the first question they ask is, "Do you use it?" I'm like, "Yeah." and I get that ever annoying, "Good for you." because it's sooooo unexpected. Sometimes it is easier for me not to mention I work out or not let people find out. It's like they don't know how to respond or if they do, it’s super awkward.

Yup... only my husband knows about my diet, and thats only because he lives with me! He is encouraging, but I know it is honest and from his heart, so it doesnt bug me like it would from others. I am sure others' intentions would be (and are!) good, but Id just rather not risk feeling that way.

Hey, I know what you mean. I had those type comments before too. There was particular "hater" I knew that would ask me question on top of question and then sort of grin and say, "WELL, IM JUST SO PROUD OF YOU!" Because of our prior interfacings, this comment really bothered me since she said it three or four times on different occasions. I never knew WHAT to say to her when she said it. To say, "I'm proud of you"...well, to me conotates we have some close relationship OR that I am subordinate to her.

The very last time she said it to me I didn't say thank you I just said, "Im proud of ME too!" She has never said it again.

I didn't tell anyone when I started. I didn't want the pressure of explaining to people, etc. My hubby noticed since he lives of course with me that I was doing things differently. Once the weight came off in noticable amounts, I started having to deal with them as they came.

Maybe don't let your roomies know when you are shaking up your plan. Keep it to yourself so you don't have any explaining or questions or whatever.

I never tell anyone I am dieting this keeps the diet/exercise police from making unwanted remarks. Actually they mean well but just don't how to do it. Eventually someone will notice and ask if you have lost weight, I just say "oh, a little" and change the subject.

I really think they just want to see you succeed. Many times others see how our weight affects us negatively and want to see our hurt go away.

I am sure they have the best of intentions. Maybe just tell them how committed you are to your weight loss and the cheerleading isn't necessary.