Ahh, yes, I know exactly what you mean. My mother does this, but for her it doesn't exactly come from the same supportive place where your friends' comments are coming from... She'll make excessive comments about my habits - especially what I EAT, all the freakin' time - and almost kind of phrase it like a compliment, but it still manages to sound incredibly condescending. Like for example, I went out to breakfast with her and my brother a few months ago at one of those ridiculous pancake houses where everything is stuffed with creamy fillings, smothered with butter and syrup, about 1000 calories for one pancake, etc. Normally I wouldn't mind allowing myself a small indulgence, but I had already had several treats that week so I decided to keep it light for that meal. I ordered something incredibly innocuous, I think a bowl of cereal (Special K, ha) and the fresh fruit bowl, and I did NOT do it in any obnoxious way... Just ordered like a normal person... But of course my mother felt the need to immediately call attention to my order and practically scream out, "OH, you ordered something healthy!! Aren't you just amazing?!" Yecch.
It really just irritates me, because I hate feeling as though the person's attitude is "Awwww, isn't that cute? You're acting like a person who's trying to lose weight!" I think people making comments like that just goes back to the same thing that most insults spring from--their own insecurities. They're jealous that you are making healthy decisions and doing something awesome for yourself when they're not making those same healthy decisions, so instead of feeling happy for you, they react defensively... By pointing out/putting a ton of stress on something that you're doing to lose weight, they're also trying to convince themselves, I COULD do that if I wanted to, but I choose not to do it because I'm not fat, so I don't have to. Such as with the pancakes, when I ordered my normal breakfast, my mom had ordered something ridiculous like stuffed french toast, and I knew that she was only doing that to lend some validation to her meal... i.e. she wanted to make me feel like I was the odd one out for NOT wanting to stuff myself silly.
Does any of this make sense to anyone else but me? I know I tend to read into things a bit much sometimes, heh.
Yes it makes perfect sense Star2Be and that's the kinda thing I was talking about! Soo annoying! Good for you for ordering something healthy in that situation, because stuffed french toast sounds so yummy.
Oh wait, was that patronizing? hahaha... it's a fine line isn't it!
My husband finds it difficult to find the balance. I know his comments come from his heart and he means well. But my brain sometimes says enough already. Especially when the comments get corny like... "I think its hot to see you sweat." Common now to me that is not encouraging. Thats just him getting hormonal!
It just dawned on me that the reason I'm got this on-edge feeling about upcoming dinner with friends is that the woman, who has been quite publicaly fighting the weight battle for years, will order cheesecake for dessert then loudly proclaim "how good you are" because I don't.
I'm old enough to know not to worry about what others think, but that comment gets to me every time she does it. I'm cringing as I type, LOL.
ROFL....204 to 121 and you say, a little....????????????
Tell me you are kidding. It is hard not to answer the questions when someone tells me, "I didn't even recognize you."
You though, must have gone through a complete transformation!
I find the less you engage in conversation with these people who make unwanted comments, the better. I try to keep it light when talking to them that usually bores them and they go on to something else.
Now it is a different story when talking to another dieter, we understand each other.
My roommates were making this really big deal about how great it was I went, and asking me how I felt after, if I felt happy with myself, blah blah blah.
Since you're at a normal weight now, it probably doesn't occur to them that you're doing it for reasons other than trying something exotic and new, or that they're doing anything other than encouraging your new hobbies. Even if you know that someone was different before you met them, it's really hard to think of them as anything other than they are now. Asking if your new class makes you feel good about yourself probably isn't motivated by a disbelief that you could stick to the activity, but because they see you as a normal roommate, doing normal everyday things, who suddenly decided to do something abnormal and interesting.
Star2Be: Oh girl, do NOT even get me started on my mother. She has been on my case about watching what I eat and getting enough exercise and my weight since I was 11 years old. What she doesn't understand is that while I am deeply unhappy with my body, I don't want to be her either. She is 5'1" weighs about 115 lbs and has been locked in a vicious battle with those last 5 lbs for my ENTIRE LIFE. It's always one diet or another for as long as my memory reaches back. I just think, for those five pounds she's been anguishing over, I would've rather had 28 years of emotional peace and a healthy relationship with food.
My mother has a way of parading me in front of people to demonstrate my weight loss. It is so ABNORMAL (demeaning, mortifying, annoying, I could go on).
But she is abnormal in her relationship with food and in her relationships with the people in her life as it pertains to food.
Oh i got so carried away i never got to the point: I am absolutely dreading having to tell my mother about me being on a diet/trying to lose weight. the petty part of me doesn't want to let her have her victory.
it's just always been such a Thing between us. Ugh. Need to grow up already.
I, too, hate to tell people that I am on a diet...Mostly because it is so obvious that I need to lose weight and I hate seeing the "finally she decides to lose it" look on their faces (it could be all in my mind though)
The comments get to be too much sometimes, from the diet comments to the how much have you lost questions to the how small are you trying to get questions...
makes me wanna a cookie everytime...
BUT
I DO have a great support system and I have decided to keep my big mouth shut about it to those outside of my support system and I will just bask in all the compliments I will get as I lose...
lol
the woman, who has been quite publicaly fighting the weight battle for years, will order cheesecake for dessert then loudly proclaim "how good you are" because I don't.
I can totally relate to this. I just returned from a vacation with relatives. While on my trip, I went to they gym everyday and ate (as much as I possibly could) my normal foods (oatmeal, etc.). At EVERY MEAL, my aunt and uncle (who are both extremely overweight) would comment emphatically about how "good" I was being. But then they continued to try and get me to order cocktails or dessert and make bad food decisions.
As for my friends, they typically make encouraging comments but I hear some underlying frustration/doubt. I used to participate in stringent boot camps, but never lost much weight (gained a TON of muscle, though)! Last spring I decided to train for a marathon (aren't runners usually thin?). While I switched to the half marathon due to back injury, I actually GAINED 14 pounds through the course of the training.
I now realize that I was drinking too much gatorade and eating more than I actually burned, but have found nothing more irritating than everyone constantly saying "I don't know how you exercise more than anyone I know and haven't lost any weight." While I know they aren't trying to be mean, I always get the feeling that everyone must think I closet binge or something. I don't, and never have. I just happen to be short and have a slower metabolism than one might think.
I have finally told people at work that I am watching what I eat, because I feel like it keeps me more accountable. And they see me every day and are supportive in the changes they have noticed. But I don't say much to my friends anymore - I am just waiting for the day when they see me and notice how much better I look.
the woman, who has been quite publicaly fighting the weight battle for years, will order cheesecake for dessert then loudly proclaim "how good you are" because I don't.
Oh, I am so SICK of this particular phrase. When I read this, I can even imagine the voice in which it's said -- it's a high, almost cooing female voice. Because it's almost invariably a woman who talks like this about food, assigning a moral judgment to one's choices. As if you're being a "bad girl" or a "good girl" (with a curl in the middle of her forehead ;-) based on what kind of food you choose. Men don't say this stuff nearly as often.
I notice this often when I go out on business lunches or dinners when I am traveling for work. If I'm in with a group of men, the moment when one orders seems far less fraught. If I'm in with an entirely female group, depending on who's in the group, often there's a tense silence just when the order is about to be given. You can almost feel the women assessing one another. It's like, "Are we all going to be GOOD? Or are we going to be BAD?" Peer pressure can sometimes tilt it one way or the other.
I swear this, like Scarlett O'Hara raising a fistful of earth to the sky: "No more Food Games with the girls ANYMORE!"
I have also experienced the 'Oh you are sooo good' comments. Particulary this one woman in my office would always make comments when they were having cake for a birthday, she would have to say in a big loud voice 'Oh of course she isn't having any' or if I would have a piece she would say 'well is SHE is having a piece then I guess I can'
So annoying but its totally in relation to their own insecurity about dieting and body image. I sort of understand because if a friend of mine is losing weight and we go out to eat and she's eating salad and I am having a burger..I feel self concious, it draws attention to my own insecurities so some people make little comments to make YOU feel insecure.
Good for you for ordering something healthy in that situation, because stuffed french toast sounds so yummy.
You reminded me
