OT: Boy Problems
 

hey guys i thought i would come to u guys 4 advice and rant because i don't have any gf's, just guy friends. I have this guy friend that i have been friends for 10+yrs now and i like him. (i think he kinda knows) but he never pursued me, he always pursued girls that were good for him and he knows that i just want a chance. he is like my what if. hes reasoning for not pursuing it , he doesn't see me that way. but there are things that he would say n do would make me think other wise.

this past oct he had met a girl through another friend of his. he is 27 shes 20.
(not very pretty i might add. lol) n him n i got into a argument n we didn't talk for 2 months, but in that time we were apart he cheated on her (kissed her but when separated he had "relations" with an x gf) cuz he wasn't happy with her, they were always fighting, so i heard. so then i came back into the pic and they weren't together. but they were going to work on things, but then i found out she was lying behind his back n i told him cuz my loyalty is to him n not her. and from that point on she has hated and doesn't like the fact that we hang out but there not dating! n gives him ultimatums to choose. oh n she still brings up what he did with the x but then he will bring up of what she did, n she acts like she didn't do anything wrong.

Monday, he calls me all distressed about her saying he wants nothing to do with her and he wanted me to block her calling n texting on the cell. but then he dexided not to do so. Tuesday, i went with him n the truck, hes a truck driver n home every night and of course we had talk bout her n he talked about how dramatic she is and that she hates me doesn't want to be friends with him n she chks up on me n the xgf on myspace. seriously like how old r u to do that? u know. so friday (today) he calls me and i asked what he was doing this wkend n he said that he was taking her out to dinner n a movie sat n im like what????? i'm like the other day u wanted to completely stop talking n he didn't want to talk to me about it that it was his life cuz i told him he was making it a mistake. that they were trying to wrk things out for the 4th time. so then i was like i guess were not going to be friends now and so i should i stop talking to u now cuz i said honestly if u want this to wrk then i cant be in ur life cuz she wont want me there. he said that he was going to make it wrk so we can be friends but n that i need to acting sarcastically n i was like im not, im being straight up honest. i dont know what happened between tues-fri that he decided to be with her?????

so i don't know if i should step away from all of this or continue being his friend cuz he hurts to know that hes with her and that hes making a mistake again n he wants me to be supportive n i cant. n i know being the dramatic person she is, she will make him choose and im afraid that he wont pick his friends???????? i don't know. help sorry 4 the long msg.

This kinda sounds like the BS I went through before my current bf and I got together. I was around for one crazy gf after another. But I stuck through it. Even though on the inside I was real hurt thinking, "why cant it be me?". I proved to him I would always be around no matter how hard things got, and eventually he decided I was the one. He said it was because he didn't want a stupid fling with me. He wanted to know it was gonna be something that would last.

So my advice is to hang in there. Be the better person. Eventually this guy should wise up and see the best girl for him is right in front of his face!

i wish i could believe that but he is looking for something serious and he thinks he can get it from her. ive been there thru **** n back with all the x gfs and i dont know if i can take it anymore. im not getting any younger lol i dont know if he will ever wiser up or realize it its been 10+ yrs. what made him decide u were the 1 for him tho?

I don't personally know you but I know your situation. Please, for your sake, leave this dude and go forth and make your life. Yes, he knows you're interested in him and he's probably thinking "maybe i'll like her when she loses the weight, or maybe not" he's going to continue to string you along as a just in case girl
I've been in this situation and have had friends in this situation. We call it the "faux girlfriend syndrome" where a guy during his bouts of singledom does all the date like things with his "friend" and makes her think that they will date but is just using her for company until the next chick comes along.
You've managed to lose over a hundred pounds, so you're a strong woman who has control over her life now. Get this dude out b/c he will NEVER become your real boyfriend.
These guys might not be doing it on purpose, I have no idea what's in their heads but they are doing it and you are not alone. Protect your heart but allowing a little pain in it for now. Don't let him call you whenever and don't be constantly availible for him. He needs to know that you are not his personal possession. You should not be there when he's in need of talking to someone about his woman problems, nor should you always be there when he needs company. Go and find some hobbies or groups and make plans with the people you meet there.
I hope you drop this dead weight and move on!

your explanation isn't very complete so it's hard to give you really detailed advice, but the one thing I've got to say is: why would you want to be with someone who has cheated on another woman? whether they had a good relationship or a bad one, or he thought she was the right one or not is irrelevent. If he was an adult who had control over his actions and had his head in the right place he wouldn't be cheating on anyone.

men don't change their habits just becuase they find another woman, even if they say they will. if he developed a wandering eye with one, he will with another...just a little warning.

Take it from someone who's been in the almost exact same situation that you're in, get out. It's so not worth it. That "faux girlfriend syndrome" is dead on. It's been 10+ years and he hasn't done anything? If he hasn't "wised up" by now, it's never going to happen. Sorry girly, but sometimes in life you have to realize a bad investment and simply cut your losses.

I second the moving on. I wouldn't wait to prove to someone I'm worth their time. If you are truly friends then he already knows you pretty well what more does he need to decide that he wants to be with you. I would take what he says as the truth, he doesn't see you that way. This is hurtful but also freeing because you can focus on someone who does want you. Also the drama with this on again off again girlfriend who despises you, is not worth your time IMHO. I would take myself out of this equation and let them sort themselves out.

From my own personal experience maybe he truely loves you as a friend and doesnt want to mess that up. Sure there is a chance that you 2 would be perfect together. But there is a chance that you were just meant to be lifelong friends. I know that i had this best guy friend that i talked to every day. The first day i met him we just clicked and i was always there for him as he was for me. Well we both thought that since we were such great friends we should give dating a try. We tried it once and it lasted a month. We went back to being just friends and decided to try it just one more time. Well after we decieded to break it up things got a little awkward and now we rarely talk. I have to say that i would almost still be wondering what if cause i miss that best friend in my life. Sure i have other friends but no one will have that same connection with me like he did.

I think that all you can do is stay by his side. Thats what friends do. They stay by your side even if you are making a mistake and are there to pick the pieces up when your heart gets broken.

If you've been around for 10 years, then yeah, he knows he has all the time in the world. He's not respecting you, and neither are you. Get out there and find someone new! And when you do, he might come back around, because you being unavailable may make him decide to go after you after all. DON'T LET HIM! He as PROVEN that he is not good enough for you. As soon as you leave new guy for him, he'll find some reason to leave you. Sorry, I know it's not happy news. But realizing you deserve SOOOO much better is really happy news!

ITA with most of the ladies here. - Find another way to occupy your time. You deserve to have someone that loves you and wants to be with you- not this guy that continues to torture you with his own selfishness.

Don't settle for being the second choice. Plus, if you get together and things go sour, the friendship is out of the window too.

Do you want to stay friends with him because you think you may have a chance with him?

Or do you want to stay friends with him because he truly is your "friend"?

I would say after 10+ years, it sounds like he's not interested in you that way.

I'm not trying to be harsh or hurt your feelings, but you are asking for advice and from your story, that's what it sounds like to me. This truth could possibly set you free!

If you are putting so much energy into this guy, there is no energy left for any other guy that would be a better fit for you.

Also, his life seems filled with excess drama -- do you really want to be expending your energy on HIS drama? Man, we have enough of our own!

1) I would think about whether or not you want to stay friends with him -- not because you think you have a chance with him, but because you truly think he is a good friend to you. This may be harder than you think based on all the emotions you have invested in him. Really take some time to think about this.

2) Start investing your energy into other things, spend less on him. You'll be amazed at what you bring into your life!

3) At this point his life is filled with excessive drama. I would DETACH LOVINGLY from this situation -- you can either distance yourself a bit with telling him, or have a talk with him and tell him you are not sure how you feel (as a friend) about the choices he is making, so you are going to do your own thing for awhile. Or something like that. Here is a website about detaching lovingly that might be helpful.
http://www.nonviolentcommunication.c...cy_WMyers1.pdf


~CGH~

Sisi-its really not about my weight cuz he likes all sizes. and i hear u on the faux gf thing. i know all about that n then when the do find some1 they give u restrictions of what u can n cant do. its so hard to let go cuz i do consider him a best friend n i want to be there when i know its not going to wrk but its hard to hear it n see them together. and i want to find some one its sooo hard cuz i swear there is no guys around here thats wants a fat girl n even if they do they r not my type what so ever. i want him to be happy i just want him to find a good girl that goingt o treat him right that deserves him even if it isnt me. its like im back n forth n i have debated this for yrs n i cant come to a conclusion. but thank u guys for ur comments and suggetions i really appreciate it :)

If you were at your goal weight and had other guys interested in you, would you put up with his behavior?

prolly not i would move on but then he would get jealous n try to break things up

what i would say about this is, you stay out of his problem w/ his gf. Don't mention or even talk about this. I know you consider him a good friend (or even more) so u want him to see clearly things, but it's hard, especially when it comes to love stuff, and girlfriend stuff. So u probably just let him do w/e he thinks is right (even if u think it's not).
And u go and find another guy - yah.

i try too but she always bringing me up that he shouldnt be friends with me tho so even if i dont say anything. she is bringing me up n that is causing fights between them.

We always got along super great so he knew our personalities worked well together. I believe he realized I was the one when he kept B******* about all these other girls and something must have clicked in his boy brain that I possessed all the qualities he wished all these other bimbos had! I think sometimes boys get so wrapped up in being friends they forget you're even an option! I was just relentless, I acted like the perfect friend and never gave up on him when he would blow me off or act like a moron. And 5 years later, we are still together :)

Talk to him though, find out why you could only be friends.

he just says that he doesnt see me like that, but if willing to make me a faux gf y cant i be a real 1

ya that doesn't make much sense. he could just be one of those rare guys who really doesn't want to risk losing a friendship. I remember my current bf telling me he waited so long to be with me because he didn't wanna screw it up. He was afraid if we dated right after his other long term ex, I would be a rebound. So I suppose guys do think about those things sometime.

10 years is a long time. I only put up with that for a year. My guess is he doesn't wanna screw up a friendship, or maybe he is even afraid he isn't good enough for you. You are everything his other gf's aren't, maybe he knows hes not the worlds best bf and he's not gonna put you through that.

i see how he treats his gf's and he puts them on a pedistool, i would make a list of what i want in a guy n he would have everything n vice verse. my best friend got married n i was maid of honor and he told my parents that i looked really pretty and that he wanted to ask me to dance but he was afraid that i would laugh in his face. and honestly if he would have said that n asked me i would have dropped to the floor n passed out. lol the next day i confronted him about it n he was totally denying he ever said that but hes face was like 50 shades and smiling away lol

i see how he treats his gf's and he puts them on a pedistool, i would make a list of what i want in a guy n he would have everything n vice verse. my best friend got married n i was maid of honor and he told my parents that i looked really pretty and that he wanted to ask me to dance but he was afraid that i would laugh in his face. and honestly if he would have said that n asked me i would have dropped to the floor n passed out. lol the next day i confronted him about it n he was totally denying he ever said that but hes face was like 50 shades and smiling away lol

Isn't it funny how that all works? I'm currently sort of experiencing the same sort of thing. Definitely not 10 years worth, and probably slightly different circumstances.

Long story short...now I've found someone new, and he's decided that he likes me. Sure, I question it...and part of me would like to give it a try, but after knowing him as long as I have I know that the guy I am currently with is definitely a better option for the long haul. ...or do I? It's an odd place to be at.

did u ever think maybe u should lie to him n tell them that u guys broke up and see if he still likes u n wants to be with u? or the fact that he wants what he cant have?

Wouldn't that make him unable to believe anything you say in the future? Always wondering if you're putting him through some test again?

I read this funny story awhile ago and I just want to post here - you probably can relate:

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

that is too funny and so true!

Julie- if u don't want to do it that way u can ask him flat out if i wasn't seeing him would u still want to date me? or what changed ur mind, is it cuz i have some1?

Cutie - Have you or has anyone seen that movie "The Holiday" with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz? I love when the old man says to Kate Winslet's character in the restaurant, "I don't know why you're acting like the best friend, when you deserve and are so obviously meant to be a leading lady!" (it's something like that...) Anyway, IMHO you should cut it off. You sound like a smart lady. Why are you settling for being the second fiddle in this relationship, waiting for this man who is OBVIOUSLY so unworthy of your love, time and attention? You could be the light of someone's world. I waited around for a guy like yours for a while, then I let go, and low and behold the most wonderful, smart, funny, and caring man walked right through that window that was left open after I shut the door. They say you gotta date a lotta frogs before you find your prince. When he's your prince, you'll know ;)
As for the lying, usually a bad idea. Who wants a relationship founded on a lie anyway?

Sad and cute at the same time.

Exactly what I was trying to say. The energy you are expending on this could be spent opening the door to someone new. Why don't you just try it and see what happens? You have nothing to lose at this point.

~CGH~

i dont know what to do im not with him 24/7, i put myself out there. i have a life besides him, its just that what if? ya he is the guy i run to when i need something cuz he is a bestie and i haven't had any1 in 3yrs the last person i was with we were supp to be married n he called it off. i don't shun guys away i welcome it n when i do have some1 all my focus is on him and i dont even think twice about the friend.
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